[求助]AI130：请帮忙提意见！

yuleichengg

    

作文复习了两个星期了，写了10篇左右了，也认真研读了北美范文。但老是没有感觉，作文也一点进步都没有。

就像这篇文章，即使有了立场和思路，写出来还都是BABYTALK，让人感觉不地道，而且没有深度。
请大家帮我提提意见，最头疼的就是语言怎么润色才像个模样！谢谢了！

另外，大家认为这文章大概能有4.5吗？

131、“We can learn more about a society
by observing how its people spend their leisure time than by observing them at
work.”
        

    

Can we learn more about a society by observing how its people spend their
spare time rather than by observing them at work? While
I concede that studying the leisure time of people can tell us a lot about a
society, evaluating the working condition and atmosphere of the civilians can
also shed a light about a nation's important aspects. In short, both the two ways
are effective means.

    

On one hand, how its citizens spend leisure time can reveals the degree of
well-being of a society. For instance, people in developed
countries often spend their spare time in more colorful ways of recreation,
namely travelling, working out in the gym, going to the movie, etc.. Whereas in
the poverty-striken areas, people often get together to chat with each other,
play chess, if there are any, or use other kinds of ways to kill time
without spending money. By scrutinizing this example, we can safely say that
leisure time shows us some basic circumstances of a society.

    

On the other hand, the working environment and people's ways of working
can reflect the culture of a nation. A case in point is the situation where
Americans and Frenchmen working together. In contrast with Americans' logical
and careful ways of dealing work, Frenchmen shows a more casual and instinctive
fashion, or rather, they implement directly things bump up to their mind
without making a plan in advance. This distinct discrepancy results
from the culture differences which influcing the people in one society from the
day he/she was born. By learning about these differences, we can dig into the
deeper layer,such as culture and believes, of a society. 

    

In conclusion, both aspects are essential as effective indicators of a
society and neglecting either one is not advisable for us to grasp fully the
culture or social condition of that society. Taking both factors into
consideration will help us to draw a more complete picture of the society we
want to learn about.

rio

以下是引用yuleichengg在2007-7-5 22:08:00的发言：

131、“We can learn more about a society
by observing how its people spend their leisure time than by observing them at
work.”

Can we learn more about a society by observing how its people spend their
spare time rather than by observing them at work? While
I concede that studying the leisure time of people can tell us a lot about a
society, evaluating the working condition and atmosphere of the civilians can
also shed a light about a nation's important aspects. In short, both the two ways
are effective means.
 

On one hand, how its citizens spend leisure time can reveals the degree of
well-being of a society. For instance, people in developed
countries often spend their spare time in more colorful ways of recreation,
namely travelling, working out in the gym, going to the movie, etc.. Whereas in
the poverty-striken areas, people often get together to chat with each other,
play chess(unsuitable illustration), if there are any, or use other kinds of ways to kill time
without spending money. By scrutinizing this example, we can safely say that
leisure time shows us some basic circumstances of a society.

 

On the other hand, the working environment and people's ways of working
can reflect the culture of a nation. A case in point is the situation where
Americans and Frenchmen working together. In contrast with Americans' logical
and careful ways of dealing work, Frenchmen shows a more casual and instinctive
fashion, or rather, they implement directly things bump up to their mind
without making a plan in advance. This distinct discrepancy results
from the culture differences which influcing the people in one society from the
day he/she was born. By learning about these differences, we can dig into the
deeper layer,such as culture and believes, of a society. 

In conclusion, both aspects are essential as effective indicators of a
society and neglecting either one is not advisable for us to grasp fully the
culture or social condition of that society. Taking both factors into
consideration will help us to draw a more complete picture of the society we
want to learn about.

4.5没问题，我当时考试就写的这篇，而且我事先没有准备这个题目。于是我就尽情发挥。我先说的是我从工作中观察到许多人们的生活，而且人们的工作能很大程度反映社会的情况。比如原始社会到现代社会的进步就能够从人们的工作状况反映。

后来我又说，但有件事让我觉得我们们往往能从生活休闲中看到我们看不到的一面。比如我在德国参加party的时候，平时穿的周吴郑王的人穿得花枝招展。所以观察休闲生活也很重要。

说到你这篇作文，我认为写得比较僵硬。也就是说你并没有发自内心的打算去说服读者。我建议你不要从观点出发，而是从你自身的经历出发。想想那些经历都能带给你什么观点，再从那些观点入手，这样写起来也比较顺畅。

yuleichengg

万分感谢！我觉得你的话说到我心坎里了。我写的时候就是觉得特别没感觉，所以写出来的东西自然就很僵硬了。好像以前写的作文都是先定好观点再使劲想能举什么例子，所以没有说服力也是很正常的，这就是我最头痛的地方。但从自己的经历出发好像很多作文题行不通阿，而且写出来老感觉没有深度。哎，总之还是没找到感觉，老是感觉无话可说，一说出来又觉得语言表达特别不地道。有什么办法能帮助找到写GMAT作文的感觉吗？北美和其他牛人的范文也看过，但每次一看就只有佩服的份，而且总和他们的思路不同。

yuleichengg

    

另外，今天另外写了一篇文章，请版主帮忙修改。谢谢了！

这篇较上一篇是不是稍微流畅一些了？

62 What education fails to teach us is to see the
human community as one. Rather than focus on the unique differences that
seperate one nation from another, education should focus on the similarities
among all people and places on Earth.

    

Should education concentrate on the similarities
rather than differences of humankind? While I admit
that learning about unity is essential for us, it does not necessarily mean
that we have to shift focus away from the differences. Education should serve
the functions of introducing both aspects on grounds of the following reasons.

    

On one hand, education should help us to be
comfortable about the unique differences, namely religious, ethnic or cultural
ones, so that we try to respect and tolerate the various characteristics of
others. We can all remember the days when we were too young to understand why
the people we encountered are so different from us. The ideas may have occurred
to us that anything different from ourselves’ are unacceptable because our own
habits or ways of dealing with problems are superior to others'. Conflicts
result. Then we struggle to solve the problems and attempt to recognize that
all the differences are valuable resources that will help us to grow up and
learn more about people around us and the world, rather than resources of
problems that cause confrontations among people. Only until then do we realize
that understanding the differences are so essential for us to respect others
and tolerate.

    

On the other, our schools should also teach us to recognize
similarities in order that we have a will to cooperate with each other and
fulfill the unanimous dreams of man-kind. No one can deny that there is only
one earth and all the human-beings are living under the same sky. Thus, it is
safe to say we share the same hope and goal-- to make the world a better place
to live in--to improve productivity as well as protecting the environment.
Bearing these ends in mind, people from different countries, various races and diversified
background will manage to get together and let our dreams come true. Without
knowing the similarities, we can hardly realize some of the serious difficulties
right in front of us, such as wars, pollutions and drugs, and thus remaining
vulnerable to these uncertain factors in the world.

    

All
in all, to achieve a better and more harmonious world, education should teach us
to grasp fully the differences and similarities among individuals. Ignoring either
one of the two factors is not advisable and will lead us to narrow vision or
biased opinion. So our schools can and should promote both kinds of
understanding by way of balanced approach.