[求助]7-7 考了 作文求拍，还在上班，实在没时间 （题目：university education is the most important factor

mabla

Writing Do you agree with the following statement: Getting university education is the most important factor for(?) success in life.

8:16

Success is probably one of most crucial thing in our life. Everybody seek a
path to success. However, people hold different opinions on how to achieve success. Some advocate of university education argue that attending a college is the most important factor of a successful life.  Ture, university education is critical for success, because the konwledge and skills attained in university is instrumental to a promising career path. But its effect on success might be relatively small compared with other more cardinal factors.
 
   It seems that making wise decisions in career path and other aspects of life may count more. Different people possess different talent. Some are good at maths while others are gifted atheletes. Only when you persue the career which you have great potential, can you gain great success. Imangine what would happen if Bill Gates, this computer genius and Harvard drop-out, work as a lawyer, or former president Clinton work as a software engineer. They may not perform very bad, but they are not likely to be as successful as they are  now. Maybe it is the initial decision of career path that makes them so successful today. 
 
 

  Moreover, persistance is a also a  foundmental factor for success. Never, never give up. It is the key of victory of the second world war, and it is the also the secret weapons of  virtually all  highly successful people. A statistics of factors of  exeptional performance in sports  indicate that persitance in the everyday training come top of the list. Through persistance of lab work, several of friends have come up with sound result of experiments in computer vision, and had their papers published in some of the most prestigious journal of our field, such as CVPR, PAMI，etc.  Needless to metion the well-konwn story of Edison's invention of the lamp electrical lamp after thousands of times.

   In fact, some other factor carry more weight than university education, such as creativity and hard working. It is never news currently that people with low education level succeed in virtually all walks of  life. And even for college graduate, their education is merely a supportive factor rather than a domintary on in their successful story. In a word, success has less to do with college education than  wise decisions, persistences and other more fundamental  characeristics of a person.

  
  

mabla

up 一下

还请高手赐教 ，大家顺便随意拍一下也好哇

lindenwxl

我帮你改，明天给你看 

德克的猪

Success is probably one of the most crucial things in our life. Everybody seek(单数形式seeks) a
path to success. However, people hold different opinions on how to achieve success(废话不要写,要写最好也写高档点的). Some advocate(advocate是及物的,不接of) of university education argue that attending a college(university or college) is the most important factor of a successful life(成功生活的一个factor和导致成功的factor是不可以等同的,这里最好写of achieving outstanding accomplishments in one’s life).  Ture(这个用法我个人没有见过,这里可以说as no doubt), university education is critical(我不太建议用critical形容重要,这里可以说of great importance/significance) for success, because the knowledge(发上来的文章,请不要有拼写错误,knowledge) and skills attained in university is instrumental to a promising career path. But its effect on success might be relatively small compared with other more cardinal factors. (开头整体还是不错的,有很好的过渡和从general到specific的这样的一个过程.表达观点比较委婉,我觉得是完全可以的.但是,如果你不放心,可以把观点再表达清楚一点)
 
It seems that making wise decisions in career path and other aspects of life may count more. Different people possess different talent. Some are(might be) good at maths(mathematics) while others are gifted atheletes(athletes). Only when you persue(pursue) the career in which you have great potential, can you gain great success. Imagine what would happen if Bill Gates, this computer genius and Harvard drop-out, work as a lawyer, or former president Clinton work as a software engineer. They may not perform very bad(badly), but they are not likely to be as successful as they are  now. Maybe it is the initial decision of career path that makes(has made) them so successful today. 
 
 

Moreover, persistance is a also a foundmental(fundamental) factor for success. Never, never give up-It is the key of victory of the second world war, and it is the also the secret weapons of  virtually all  highly successful people(这算不算Chinglish?). A statistics of factors of exeptional(exceptional) performance(复数) in sports  indicate(单数indicates) that persitance(persisitence) in the everyday training come top of the list(不要说得如此的宽泛不具体,最好有具体的实例来证明,比如Michael Jordan). Through persistance of lab work, several of friends have come up with sound result of experiments in computer vision, and had their papers published in some of the most prestigious journal of our field, such as CVPR, PAMI，etc.  Needless to metion the well-konwn story of Edison's invention of the lamp electrical lamp after thousands of times(爱迪生的这个例子可以拓展得具体一点,这样就是实例了).

(此段为典型的中国式论证,不过TOEFL考试还是可以容忍这样的论证的,如果是SAT的话,这样的论证很烂)

In fact, some other factor(复数) carry more weight than university education, such as creativity and hard working. It is never (a) news currently that people with low(informal) education succeed in virtually all walks of  life. And even for college graduate, their education is merely a supportive factor rather than a domintary on in their successful story. In a word, success has less to do with college education than  wise decisions, persistences and other more fundamental  characeristics of a person.

(太多的拼写错误,如果你考试的时候对一个词拿不准,就不要用)

mabla

非常感谢：）

Chinglish的问题的确存在。还有就是论证上有点绕，不够切题，没有围绕中心说出为什么这些因素比大学教育更重要。

拼写错误，汗啊，主要是太久不写，加上不习惯在电脑上打英文，手底下错误太多，sigh

mabla

谢谢，太感谢了。

mabla

以下是引用德克的猪在2007-7-3 23:25:00的发言：

Success is probably one of the most crucial things in our life. Everybody seek(单数形式seeks) a
path to success. However, people hold different opinions on how to achieve success(废话不要写,要写最好也写高档点的). Some advocate(advocate是及物的,不接of) of university education argue that attending a college(university or college) is the most important factor of a successful life(成功生活的一个factor和导致成功的factor是不可以等同的,这里最好写of achieving outstanding accomplishments in one’s life).  Ture(这个用法我个人没有见过,这里可以说as no doubt), university education is critical(我不太建议用critical形容重要,这里可以说of great importance/significance) for success, because the knowledge(发上来的文章,请不要有拼写错误,knowledge) and skills attained in university is instrumental to a promising career path. But its effect on success might be relatively small compared with other more cardinal factors. (开头整体还是不错的,有很好的过渡和从general到specific的这样的一个过程.表达观点比较委婉,我觉得是完全可以的.但是,如果你不放心,可以把观点再表达清楚一点)
 
It seems that making wise decisions in career path and other aspects of life may count more. Different people possess different talent. Some are(might be) good at maths(mathematics) while others are gifted atheletes(athletes). Only when you persue(pursue) the career in which you have great potential, can you gain great success. Imagine what would happen if Bill Gates, this computer genius and Harvard drop-out, work as a lawyer, or former president Clinton work as a software engineer. They may not perform very bad(badly), but they are not likely to be as successful as they are  now. Maybe it is the initial decision of career path that makes(has made) them so successful today. 
 
 

Moreover, persistance is a also a foundmental(fundamental) factor for success. Never, never give up-It is the key of victory of the second world war, and it is the also the secret weapons of  virtually all  highly successful people(这算不算Chinglish?). A statistics of factors of exeptional(exceptional) performance(复数) in sports  indicate(单数indicates) that persitance(persisitence) in the everyday training come top of the list(不要说得如此的宽泛不具体,最好有具体的实例来证明,比如Michael Jordan). Through persistance of lab work, several of friends have come up with sound result of experiments in computer vision, and had their papers published in some of the most prestigious journal of our field, such as CVPR, PAMI，etc.  Needless to metion the well-konwn story of Edison's invention of the lamp electrical lamp after thousands of times(爱迪生的这个例子可以拓展得具体一点,这样就是实例了).

(此段为典型的中国式论证,不过TOEFL考试还是可以容忍这样的论证的,如果是SAT的话,这样的论证很烂)

In fact, some other factor(复数) carry more weight than university education, such as creativity and hard working. It is never (a) news currently that people with low(informal) education succeed in virtually all walks of  life. And even for college graduate, their education is merely a supportive factor rather than a domintary on in their successful story. In a word, success has less to do with college education than  wise decisions, persistences and other more fundamental  characeristics of a person.

(太多的拼写错误,如果你考试的时候对一个词拿不准,就不要用)

关于“中国式论证”可否详细一说，又如何避免，进而采取比较好的思路呢？

德克的猪

所谓中国式论证,就是中国学生写议论文喜欢使用的论证方式.

中国考生在英文作文中,一旦遇到论证,就常常用抽象论证,也就是单单讲道理.其实,我觉得这种论证的本身式完全没有问题的.但是,问题是,老外的论证的基础是建立在抽象论证和具体举例说明上的.而且,具体的实例的作文中的比例往往更高.这也就是为什么TOEFL的口语和写作中都要求specific example and details的原因了:他们是希望你可以用具体的实例来论证一个道理的.

比如:你说成功是需要坚持的,你就可以举实例:爱迪生.然后,你要用细节来支撑例子:爱迪生在X年中,试验了X词,尝试了X种材料,终于成功了.你也可以举自己的例子或者亲人的例子(这些例子都是可以临时编造的,但是一定要有具体的细节,最好把具体的时间,地点说出来,让例子有信服力.).

在举例之前,概括的说你的观点.然后举一个具体的例子.最后写一个对例子的explanation也就是抽象论证.这样一个点就develop的很好.然后再随便附加一点东西,就是一篇不错的文章了.

mabla

以下是引用德克的猪在2007-7-4 0:40:00的发言：

所谓中国式论证,就是中国学生写议论文喜欢使用的论证方式.

中国考生在英文作文中,一旦遇到论证,就常常用抽象论证,也就是单单讲道理.其实,我觉得这种论证的本身式完全没有问题的.但是,问题是,老外的论证的基础是建立在抽象论证和具体举例说明上的.而且,具体的实例的作文中的比例往往更高.这也就是为什么TOEFL的口语和写作中都要求specific example and details的原因了:他们是希望你可以用具体的实例来论证一个道理的.

比如:你说成功是需要坚持的,你就可以举实例:爱迪生.然后,你要用细节来支撑例子:爱迪生在X年中,试验了X词,尝试了X种材料,终于成功了.你也可以举自己的例子或者亲人的例子(这些例子都是可以临时编造的,但是一定要有具体的细节,最好把具体的时间,地点说出来,让例子有信服力.).

在举例之前,概括的说你的观点.然后举一个具体的例子.最后写一个对例子的explanation也就是抽象论证.这样一个点就develop的很好.然后再随便附加一点东西,就是一篇不错的文章了.

有道理。

我是相当中国式论证了，偶文字功底一般，当年高考就是考将议论，加上若干排比式众所周知的例子把阅卷老师搞蒙而蒙混过关的。

没有specific example 和 detaill的确不符合T的essay 要求。 而且感觉上，汉语表达更虚更泛一些，英文更多是一种“描述性”的语言。很少用英文写东西，很难自己意识到这点。多谢 德克的猪！

seamoon8

以下是引用德克的猪在2007-7-3 23:25:00的发言：

Success is probably one of the most crucial things in our life. Everybody seek(单数形式seeks) a
path to success. However, people hold different opinions on how to achieve success(废话不要写,要写最好也写高档点的).
    Some advocate(advocate是及物的,不接of) of university education(学校教育的提倡者，这里advocate是名词吧？？） argue that attending a college(university or college) is the most important factor of a successful life(成功生活的一个factor和导致成功的factor是不可以等同的,这里最好写of achieving outstanding accomplishments in one’s life).  Ture(这个用法我个人没有见过,这里可以说as no doubt), university education is critical(我不太建议用critical形容重要,这里可以说of great importance/significance) for success, because the knowledge(发上来的文章,请不要有拼写错误,knowledge) and skills attained in university is instrumental to a promising career path. But its effect on success might be relatively small compared with other more cardinal factors. (开头整体还是不错的,有很好的过渡和从general到specific的这样的一个过程.表达观点比较委婉,我觉得是完全可以的.但是,如果你不放心,可以把观点再表达清楚一点)
 
It seems that making wise decisions in career path and other aspects of life may count more. Different people possess different talent. Some are(might be) good at maths(mathematics) while others are gifted atheletes(athletes). Only when you persue(pursue) the career in which you have great potential, can you gain great success. Imagine what would happen if Bill Gates, this computer genius and Harvard drop-out, work as a lawyer, or former president Clinton work as a software engineer. They may not perform very bad(badly), but they are not likely to be as successful as they are  now. Maybe it is the initial decision of career path that makes(has made) them so successful today. 
 
 

Moreover, persistance is a also a foundmental(fundamental) factor for success. Never, never give up-It is the key of victory of the second world war, and it is the also the secret weapons of  virtually all  highly successful people(这算不算Chinglish?). A statistics of factors of exeptional(exceptional) performance(复数) in sports  indicate(单数indicates) that persitance(persisitence德克，嘻嘻多个Ｓ，下面最后一句对了．)
   in the everyday training come top of the list(不要说得如此的宽泛不具体,最好有具体的实例来证明,比如Michael Jordan). Through persistance of lab work, several of friends have come up with sound result of experiments in computer vision, and had their papers published in some of the most prestigious journal of our field, such as CVPR, PAMI，etc.  Needless to metion the well-konwn story of Edison's invention of the lamp electrical lamp after thousands of times(爱迪生的这个例子可以拓展得具体一点,这样就是实例了).

(此段为典型的中国式论证,不过TOEFL考试还是可以容忍这样的论证的,如果是SAT的话,这样的论证很烂)

In fact, some other factor(复数) carry more weight than university education, such as creativity and hard working. It is never (a) news currently that people with low(informal) education succeed in virtually all walks of  life. And even for college graduate, their education is merely a supportive factor rather than a domintary on（dominance应该是这个名词吧） in their successful story. In a word, success has less to do with college education than  wise decisions, persistences （对了）and other more fundamental  characeristics of a person.

(太多的拼写错误,如果你考试的时候对一个词拿不准,就不要用)

看蓝色部分．

问some advocate是不是得用some advocates???这是集合名词还是一般名词？？？

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-4 8:48:25编辑过]