请大家多多指教

luoluocarol

我13号要考了，准备仓促，昨晚花了点时间了解，今天第一次写AWA.以下是我的第一篇argument.请大家指出错误。让我在短时间内有所提高。

没有完全抄模版，自己认为不大好，逻辑上没有讲出个所以然来。大家帮帮忙，分析一下我的毛病。

时间花了1小时

AA

110.“We should not approve the business loan application of the local group

that wants to open a franchise outlet for the Kool Kone chain of ice

cream parlors. Frostbite is known for its cold winters, and cold weather

can mean slow ice cream sales. For example, even though Frostbite is a

town of 10,000 people, it has only one ice cream spot — the Frigid Cow.

Despite the lack of competition, the Frigid Cow’s net revenues fell by 10

percent last winter.”(2/3 frozenrain 台北)(2/8 上海 ivyhuang）（2/14上海 darlingbobo)（2/18哈尔滨 fryday_y)（2/21 北美 shanghainoon)
【频率：目前出现5次】

In the article, the author concludes that the business loan application of the local group that wants to open a franchise outlet for Kool Kone chain of ice cream parlors should be not approved. To support his/her conclusion, the author states the fact that Frostbite has cold winters, of which the author uses to substantiate his points of slow ice cream sales. In addition, the author stated a fact that Frostbite, a 10,000-resident town, has only one ice cream spot. The citation is to support the implication he/she tries to establish. Furthermore, by illustrating the Frigid Cow's falling net revenues, the author appears to build a solid foundation that the conclusion is based on. However, a close examination reveals the groundlessness of his/her conclusion. Firstly of all, the reasoning that cold winter attributes to the slow ice cream sales is flawed. Secondly, the implication author tries to establish is gratuitous. Thirdly, the use of the example on Frigid Cow falling new revenues is lack of consideration.

 

In the first place, the author mistakenly establishes a casual relationship between cold winter and slow ice cream sales, which rules out other possible factors attributing to the slow ice cream sales. Cold winter may or may not be the reason for the slow ice cream sales. As there's only one ice cream spot in town, factors like the quality of the ice cream, the attitude of the service boy/girl, the operation of the spot and so on, can be the cause of the slow ice cream sales. Furthermore, there might be other towns where ice cream sales are not affected by the coming of winter. Without further investigation and research, the argument is not convincing.

 

In the second place, the implication the author tries to make is unpopularity of ice cream in Frostbite, a town with cold winters. With only one ice cream spot in a town like Frostbite, it seems that Frostbite residents don't like eating ice cream on the surface. This likely-to-be-true case can be easily drawn by the readers at the first glance. However, no survey or poll result is presented in the article to support this implication. Therefore, the attempt of making such an implication to readers exposes its pitfall under reader's scrutinization.

 

In the third place, the usage of the example of Frigid Cow can't lay a strong foundation for the author's conclusion on not approving the business loan application. Even though there's no competition, the falling net revenues should not be resulted just because of the cold winter or the unpopularity author assumes. If the ice cream spot owner properly runs his/her business, produces first-class standard ice cream and treats every customer with a warm smile, the chance of he/she making profit is high. Without addressing these factors, the example is a shell with no substance.

 

In conclusion, the disapproval decision is made without going through thorough consideration. The reasoning to support the author’s view is doubtful and illogical. The example given by the author doesn't lend a strong support to the conclusion and is redundant. To make the conclusion more persuasive, the author should address the above mentioned concerns, do more research on other towns and consider more related factors.

rio

In the article, the author concludes that the business loan application of the local group that wants to open a franchise outlet for Kool Kone chain of ice cream parlors should be not approved. To support his/her conclusion, the author states the fact that Frostbite has cold winters, of which(which 修饰什么？) the author uses to substantiate his points of slow ice cream sales.(罗嗦，个人建议：which account for the slow sale of ice cream) In addition, the author stated a fact that(too much repeated phrases, use other word like mention) Frostbite, a 10,000-resident town, has only one ice cream spot. The citation is to support the implication he/she tries to establish.(this sentence is redundant) Furthermore, by illustrating the Frigid Cow's falling net revenues, the author appears to build a solid foundation that the conclusion is based on.(on which the foundation is based) However, a close examination reveals the groundlessness of his/her conclusion. Firstly of all, the reasoning that cold winter attributes to the slow ice cream sales is flawed. Secondly, the implication author tries to establish is gratuitous. Thirdly, the use of the example on Frigid Cow falling new revenues is lack of consideration. (后面划线这三句和前面完全就是重复)

 

In the first place, the author mistakenly establishes a casual relationship between cold winter and slow ice cream sales, which rules out other possible factors attributing to the slow ice cream sales. Cold winter may or may not be the reason for the slow ice cream sales. As there's（there is） only one ice cream spot in town, factors like(such as) the quality of the ice cream, the attitude of the service boy/girl(sales girl), the operation of the spot and so on, can be the cause of the slow ice cream sales. Furthermore, there might be other towns where ice cream sales are not affected by the coming of winter. Without further investigation and research, the argument is not convincing.

 

In the second place, the implication the author tries to make is unpopularity of ice cream in Frostbite, a town with cold winters. With only one ice cream spot in a town like Frostbite, it seems that Frostbite residents don't(do not) like eating(删去) ice cream on the surface. This likely-to-be-true case can be easily drawn by the readers at the first glance. However, no survey or poll result is presented in the article to support this implication. Therefore, the attempt of making such an implication to readers exposes its pitfall under reader's scrutinization. (划线部分的论证太单薄，而且这一段和上一段有重复嫌疑)

 

In the third place, the usage of the example of Frigid Cow can't(cannot) lay a strong foundation for the author's conclusion on not approving the business loan application. Even though there's no competition, the falling net revenues should not be resulted just because of the cold winter or the unpopularity author assumes. If the ice cream spot owner properly runs his/her business, produces first-class standard ice cream and treats every customer with a warm smile, the chance of he/she making profit is high. Without addressing these factors, the example is a shell with no substance.

 

In conclusion, the disapproval decision is made without going through thorough consideration. The reasoning to support the author’s view is doubtful and illogical. The example given by the author doesn't(does
            not) lend a strong support to the conclusion and is redundant. To make the conclusion more persuasive, the author should address the above mentioned concerns(concerns mentioned above), do more research on other towns and consider more related factors.

整体来说，我建议不要太注重一些用语，在从逻辑角度分析一下七宗罪，其实这篇文章有很多漏洞你都没有指出来，AA更注重逻辑批判，AI更注重观点的层次性，而用语的华丽都是次要的。简单地说就是，用CR的角度构思，用SC的规则来写。

可以继续批驳的地方：

只有一家并且生意不好也许正是商机所在；

false analogy，就是说他做生意不代表我做生意不成功；

 

luoluocarol

谢谢，我会重新看看七宗罪。我觉得我的逻辑思路不强。

短时间很难锻炼上去。难题一个