(AI12)斗胆把自己写的ISSUE 上传,欢迎各位排砖指导,拍的头破血流最好

xiangqinzh

“Education has become the main provider of individual opportunity in our society. Just as property and money once were the keys to success, education has now become the element that most ensures success in life.”

Someone believe that education has become the main provider of individual opportunity in our society .just as property and money once were the keys to success .furthermore, they  claim that education has now become the element that most ensures success in life. As far as I am concerned, I agree that education has very great role in the road to success and provide some important opportunity in our life. Yet, I don’t think that education has become the element that ensures success in life. as you know ,every coin has two sides.

It is true that education has become very important in our life. First ,It can change one’s life. I was born in village where there people farm , have poor education , have to stay in hometown all the life, and have little chance to enjoy the beautiful metropolitans. The only way for ours to change our life is to enter into university and get a good job in big city. Second, in the shifting time of today ,we must have the learning skill to study hard to get some new knowledge that make us do work much better. If someone don’t learn .he/she will out of date in one day .for example ,a lot of coworkers of mine ,including me ,are learning in night university or net university to learn some new knowledge.

 However,in some certain circumstance, education don’t play so great role in our life. On the one hand, deep education will depress people ‘s creative ability. people who have not so good education still get some great achievements in her/his life. M.r bill Gates who found the Microsoft realm dropped the university because he think it is the time to do some important things. On the other hand ,education will make us who always use so many defeat examples to persuade us that this things can’t do and that things can’t do have no courage to do some thing s that have great challenges, thus ,we can’t get some achievements in our life because we alwaysworry about  to be defeated.

In conclusion ,the author oversimplifies the connection  between  education and success. Although It is true that education has become very important in our life, we can’t conclude that education has now become the element that most ensures success in life. I think the author is arbitrary to assert this conclusion.
 

Cantaloupe

感觉楼主的文风很真诚，赞一个！写得不错。

xiangqinzh

谢谢斑竹,没想到丢在这里很久没人理,居然被你加精了,受宠若惊啊!

谈不上真诚,只是觉得文字太平乏,但如果去套摸板感觉写出来的东西觉得只有肉,没有骨头和血.索性来点真诚的东西.

chillyqq

我觉得衔接挺流畅的，也有很有说服力。如果语法上再严谨点就更好了。

rio

注意标点和大小写

rio

Someone believe that education has become the main provider of individual opportunity in our society .just as property and money once were the keys to success .furthermore, they  claim that education has now become the element that most ensures success in life. As far as I am concerned, I agree that education has very great role in the road to success and provide some important opportunity in our life. Yet, I don’t think that education has become the element that ensures success in life. as you know ,every coin has two sides.

It is true that education has become very important in our life. First ,It can change one’s life. I was born in village where there people farm , have poor education , have to stay in hometown all the life, and have little chance to enjoy the beautiful metropolitans. The only way for ours to change our life is to enter into university and get a good job in big city. Second, in the shifting time of today ,we must have the learning skill to study hard to get some new knowledge that make us do work much better. If someone don’t learn .he/she will out of date in one day .for example ,a lot of coworkers of mine ,including me ,are learning in night university or net university to learn some new knowledge.

 However,in some certain circumstance, education don’t play so great role in our life. On the one hand, deep education will depress people ‘s creative ability. people who have not so good education still get some great achievements in her/his life. M.r bill Gates who found the Microsoft realm dropped the university because he think it is the time to do some important things. On the other hand ,education will make us who always use so many defeat examples to persuade us that this things can’t do and that things can’t do have no courage to do some thing s that have great challenges, thus ,we can’t get some achievements in our life because we always worry about  to be defeated.

In conclusion, the author oversimplifies the connection between education and success. Although It is true that education has become very important in our life, we can’t conclude that education has now become the element that most ensures success in life. I think the author is arbitrary to assert this conclusion.

批评就批评，忠言逆耳。

can't 必须写成cannot

我标出来的都有问题，比如make us do work much better这样的句子是拿不到高分的。为什么不稍加修改呢 e.g ensure us a stable position/salary.

其实楼主真的是挖矿的话，为什么不就这个话题展开说呢，awa改卷老师肯定没改过挖矿工人的作文，你就写就是缺乏教育，祖上三辈都挖矿云云。现在就算有了资本没知识挖矿也是赔钱云云

xiangqinzh

rio 真是好兄弟