作文太烂，恳请大家帮忙看一下我写的作文

biss33

32. The following appeared in the editorial section of a West Cambria newspaper.

“A recent review of the West Cambria volunteers ambulance service revealed a longer average response time to accidents than was reported by a commercial ambulance squad located in East Cambria. In order to provide better patient care for accident victims and to raise revenue for our town by collecting service fees for ambulance use, we should disband our volunteer service and hire a commercial ambulance service.”

 

In this argument, the author concludes that West Cambria should disband the volunteer service and hire a commercial ambulance service. To solidify his conclusion, the author points out that the West Cambria volunteer ambulance service, according to a recent review, presented a longer average response time to accidents than was reported by a commercial ambulance squad in East Cambira. An addition reason given in support this claim is that if and only if reducing the average response time would contribute to better patient care and to raise revenue. At first glance, the author’s argument appears to be somewhat appealing, but a further examination reveals how vague and groundless it is. This argument is unconvincing for several reasons.

 

First of all, it is highly doubtful that the facts drawn from the patient service in WEST CAMRIa are applicable to that in East camria. Differences between two states clearly outweigh the similarities, thus making the analogy highly less than valid. As a matter in fact, the geographical features in west Cramia might is quite different from that of East cambira, thus the average speed of the ambulance per hour in the two states are not the same. Any of these scenarios, if true, would show that the two forms of the ambulance service are dissimilar in ways relevant to the likelihood that these states will experiences.

 

Second, in the argument the author endorsed that the hiring the commercial ambulance will raise the revenue. However, no data or projection in this argument could support this conclusion. Thus, this assertion is ill founded.

 

Last but not least, the author recommend the west cambira hire commercial ambulance rather than use volunteer ambulance, because he believed that this action could bring about a better patient service. Such claim is definitely unilateral. There might be other factors that must to put into practice. Fail to provide other factors, the conclusion is not convincing. Moreover, the argument assumes that the shorter response of the commercial ambulance is the solely reason for the better service. The author ignores other possibility. Only based on the fact drawn from a recent survey is not sufficient to indicate the former is attribute merely to the later.

 

All in all, the argument lacks credibility. Because the evidence cited in the analysis is too weak to lend strong support to what the author claims. To support the argument, the author must convince us that the similarities of condition in tow States outnumber their differences. Moreover, I would suspend my judgment about the credibility of the recommendation until the author could provide persuasive evidences to rule out all the above possibilities that I analyzed.

可否请大家给我点意见和指导。小女子在此拜谢了

biss33

自己顶

biss33

哪怕给一点点意见也可以啊，这样写行吗？

jonymontreal

你把那个穿日本衣服的照片换掉我就告诉你。

dicsnp

我觉得你写的还不错，我就根据你的内容改了一点，我的水平也很臭，权当抛砖引玉了。 

In this argument, the author claims that West Cambria should disband the volunteer service and hire a commercial ambulance service because the West Cambria volunteer ambulance service, according to a recent review, presented a longer average response time to accidents than was reported by a commercial ambulance squad in East Cambira. A underlying reason used by the author to support his claim is that reducing the average response time would definitely contribute to better patient care and to raise revenue. At first glance, the author’s argument appears to be appealing, but further examination reveals how vague and groundless it might be. This argument is not convincing for following reasons.

 

 

First of all, it is highly doubtful that the facts collected from the patient service in WEST CAMRIa are applicable to that in East camria. Differences between two states probably outweigh the similarities, thus making the analogy highly less than valid. For example, the city speed limit in west Cramia might be quite different from that of East cambira, therefore the average speed of the ambulance in two states are not the same. Any of these scenarios, if true, would show that the two forms of the ambulance service are less similar in many aspects in which the experiences from these two states are comparable.

 

 

Secondly, in the argument the author asserted that the hiring the commercial ambulance will raise the revenue. However, no data or projection in this argument could support this conclusion. Thus, this assertion is ill founded.

 

 

Last but not least, the author recommend the west cambira hire commercial ambulance rather than use volunteer ambulance, because he believed that this action could bring about a better patient service. Such claim is definitely unilateral.  Failing to provide other factors that need to be put in practice, the conclusion is not convincing. Moreover, by assuming the shorter response time of the commercial ambulance is the sole reason for the better service. The author ignores other possibilities.

In conclsion, the argument lacks credibility. Because the evidence cited in the analysis is too weak to lend strong support to what the author claims. To support the argument, the author must convince us that the similarities of condition in two States outnumber their differences. Moreover, I would suspend my judgment about the credibility of the recommendation until the author could provide persuasive evidences to rule out all the above mentioned possibilities that I proposed.

sesky

背模板 is so important啊

biss33

谢谢dicsnp：）

致jonymontreal，这姑娘穿的是汉服！！这姑娘是中国小女孩。麻烦您下次看清楚

亲爱的sesky，我一战就是背的魔板，但是分数狂低啊，所以才发表一下自己的文章麻烦大家看一下。

many thxs

[此贴子已经被作者于2006-5-29 18:31:53编辑过]

nicole_jiang

模板不能光靠背的...要自己总结..写出一个属于你自己的模板.

光靠别人的模板是不行的.

MM的文章还不错的.但是我想提醒几句.

一,注意时态.一般来说,开头表述作者观点时用一般现在时..the author claims, assumes...MM有时用的过去时,有时用一般时.

二,第二个逻辑错误应该再展开一点.指出一点反面情况,推翻作者的假设.

三,注意一下句子结构.有些句子语法不对的.这里可以充分利用SC学到的东西哦!

希望我的建议有点作用..MM加油哦!