AAA08集思广益中参加讨论提高自己惠及他人

judydongxueni

to hirko

我觉得按什么顺序都好只要有逻辑有条理就好。我觉得survey的问题其实也不算是弱项啊。因为survey是作者论点的基础如果基础都不对后面的就更谈不上了。只要你觉得条理清楚就可以了

judydongxueni

以下是引用eSpirit在2005-7-3 12:08:00的发言：

这两天在狂写作文，贴一篇，请指出不足之处，先谢谢了！！

A8. The following appeared in a memorandum from the marketing department of Reel magazine.
“In order to determine the cause of the recent decline in sales of our magazine, we sent a survey to customers who have canceled their subscription during the last nine months. Results indicate that 80 percent of the 450 respondents feel that Reel contains too many ads. In order to retain current customers and win back customers who have canceled their subscriptions, we should reduce the number of ads. This solution will not only improve customer satisfaction but also increase our revenue by boosting magazine sales.”

The conclusion in the argument is that to improve customer satisfaction and to increase the revenue, the magazine should reduce the number of ads. To support the conclusion, the author pointed out that 80 percent of 450 respondents to a survey, which is target at customers who have canceled their subscription during the last nine months, complained that they canceled the subscription because there were too many ads in the magazine. The recommended strategy will not have the desired results if the following questionable assumptions are not made.

时态可能要改一下。第一段的最后一句虽然没错但是有一点费解，可能比较直接地说出来会更好。

First, the line of the reasoning is that the author assumed that the view of the respondents were representative of all the customers

其实用assumes好了用了assumed后面就应该用过去完成式了

who have canceled the subscription. However, this assumption is hasty. If, for example, there were total 500 customers who canceled the subscription, then the 80 percent of the 450 respondents were strong indication that the decline of subscription was caused by too many ads. But if total 5000 customers canceled the subscription and only 450 attributed their cancellation to ads, the view of these respondents’ accounted only a very small ratio and not representative of all the customers and therefore 好象应该加上the survery               was biased.

Second, the strategy that the magazine should cut ads in order to retain current customers is flawed. The author overlooked the possibility that many of the current customers subscribe the magazine because they had interested in the ads.

这个句子的时态和语态都要再斟酌一下

They might regard these ads in the magazine as business opportunities to find new partner, to learn the industry information, or just to relax themselves by reading the nice printing. Cutting ads will press these readers to cancel their subscription.

And finally, the author’s claim that cutting ads in the magazine will increase the revenue by boosting the sales is not convincing. Common sense tells us that the revenue of a magazine comes primarily from two sources: advertising space sale and customers’ subscription fee. It might be true that some former subscribers would be attracted back by cutting ads in magazine and therefore sales revenue from customers’ subscription would be increased. But if some ads were eliminated from the magazine, then the revenue from sale of advertising space would inevitably decrease. If the loss of decreased revenue from ads were more than the increase of subscription, then cutting ads will not increase the revenue.

In conclusion, the evidence cited by author is not sufficient to conclude that reducing the ads would improve the customer satisfaction, and the revenue as well. To make the argument logically acceptable, more information should be provided to prove that the view of the respondents was representative of all the customers. Furthermore, the author should make the questionable assumption that the revenue from sale of advertising space would not decline by reducing the number of ads in the magazine.

挺好的。多注意一下细节，就更好了。

[此贴子已经被作者于2005-7-3 23:15:03编辑过]

eSpirit

谢谢，呵呵。非常好的comments,谢谢

kevinYanj

第一次发帖，不知道求点评的是不是发在这啊！求大神指导！！！

In response to the decline of the sales of the Reel magazine, the author recommends that the magazine should reduce the number of ads in order to win back customers and thus to increase the revenue. The author cites the results of the survey, in which a large percent of responders feel the magazine contains too many ads, to support its recommendation. This argument is not convincing because it suffers from several flaws.
First of all, the survey cited by the author is too vague to be informative. The claim doesn’t indicate what percent of the surveys are responded. For example, if 10000 surveys were sent to customers, but only 450 were responded, the result of the survey would make no sense since too small a sample is it to represent the total number of the customers who canceled their subscription. Unless this question is answered, the result of the survey is worthless as evidence for the conclusion.
Secondly, the recommendation relies on the gratuitous assumption that boosting sales of the magazine will increase the revenue. However, no evidence is provided to prove that the increased revenue from more sales will cover the decreased revenue from decreased number of ads in the magazine. It seems equally possible that the diminished ads revenue out-weighed the increased sales revenue.
Thirdly, the author falsely assumes that too many ads in the magazine is the cause of the decline of the sales. However, no evidence is stated to substantiate this assumption. It’s more likely that it  is the lowered price of its competitor that causes the decline of sales of the Reel magazine. Therefore, this argument is unwarranted without ruling out such possibility.
In conclusion, the argument is weak. To strengthen the argument, the author has to clarify the percentage of responded survey and rule out other factors that may account for the decline of the magazine’s sales. Additionally, in order to make the conclusion sound, the author has to compare the amount of the increased revenue from more sales with that of the decreased revenue from fewer ads.