给pumpkin贴篇跟contribution有关的sample

dreamer5

先说明，这篇不能算赤裸裸的contribution的essay topic，但是可能可以给大家一点写作灵感或者启发吧，直接说自己增加diversity啊，teamwork好啊，似乎学校应该司空见惯吧？是不是可以另辟蹊径巧妙表达呢？

Good luck！

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Essay question:

How will your background and experiences enhance the quality of the entering class of Weatherhead MBA students?

Moving from rural Tennessee to suburban New York at the age of twelve was not an easy thing to do. Trying to blend in during this fragile stage of life was a challenge; “y’all” was not part of the typical middle schooler’s vocabulary in New York. However, this change in lifestyle at a young age laid the foundation for a passion to meet different types of people and experience various lifestyles and cultures. In college, I had several experiences that enriched me. From taking a class taught by Maya Angelou to scuba diving on the Great Barrier Reef during my semester abroad, university A provided the perfect slate for an undergraduate experience filled with meaningful experiences.

One of the most worthwhile experiences I have had, however, took place after I received my diploma from university A. Being chosen to serve my country for ten months in nonprofit organization B program was one of the greatest honors I have received. Describing one of the projects that my team worked on will help illustrate the lessons I learned and the memories that I take with me into each new experience in my life.

My non profit organization B team, comprised of twelve individuals from eleven different states, lived for two months in a three-bedroom house that had been repossessed by Nonprofit Organization C after the tenants had violated the rules of living there. We lived in a neighborhood in which drug deals on the corner were common occurrences. We would build houses for nonprofit organization C during the day and return at night, exhausted and sore, to walk down the street to the community center and help the neighborhood kids with their homework. In this unique life experience, I literally lived among the people whom I was serving. I did not work all day and then return to a place of security, equipped with the amenities I was used to in my life. That was not an option.

Never before had I been so close in proximity to the very root of the problem that we sought to eliminate by building houses for the poor. No longer could I judge those on “the other side.” I was one of them. They were one of us. I was reminded of the premise that Maya Angelou taught her class around –“We are more alike than we are different.” Although she had made us recite that each week in her class, it was three years later when I was living it. She was more right than I had ever realized.

My background, shaped by these types of experiences, will add to the diversity of the class beginning this fall at the Weatherhead School of Management. Not only am I eager to share my own life experiences with others but I am also equally excited to be challenged by those who have had a very different past. The exchange between myself, one who wants to apply an MBA to the non-profit sector, and another student, perhaps one who is ready to improve his managerial skills for the consulting field, has the potential to be outstanding. I know I would contribute to the diversity of a class of individuals, each from a different background with a different set of skills, all ultimately seeking the same thing.

Critique:

Paragraph 1: the first sentence, simply stating a fact of her life, already draws the reader in to the essay – thinking of a twelve-year-old girl trying to hide her southern accent from her New York classmates. This is reference point sets up nicely the following sentences, which exemplify her interest in meeting different types of people and discovering different cultures.

P2: here the candidate sets up the remainder of the essay. Also, as this experience is not one that many people will have shared, it reminds the reader of her uniqueness – in both pursuing the volunteer work and being selected for the program.

P3: in describing her living conditions, the candidate speaks to her ability to be flexible and adaptive – twelve people in a three-bedroom house, living in a neighborhood far from her own life experience. The detail enhances the commitment to community involvement. She is not a weekend volunteer, but chose to live a lifestyle that would put her in daily contact with those she hoped to help.

P4: this paragraph illustrates personal growth gained from her experience. The ability to enter a challenging environment, adapt to difficult surroundings, and appreciate the experience as one of growth and learning is exactly what an admissions committee would hope for with all candidates.

P5: this summary paragraph brings the focus to the question at hand, with the candidate reiterating not only how the experience enriched her and will allow her to contribute to the class, but also her eagerness to learn from others with varying backgrounds.

The essay is effective in two ways. First, it demonstrates self-knowledge and personal growth – both of which are important for candidates to possess and embrace to fully take advantage of the MBA experience. Second, it details a nonwork experience. While the volunteer experience is certainly valuable and valued by the admissions committee as they look for students to enrich our community, some candidates do not feel that they should write about nonwork accomplishments. They believe that because they are applying to business school, they should focus on business experiences only. However, most every school wants or expects students to have a balance between school and their personal life, so it is beneficial to learn about what they’ve done in the past.

snow_mountain

thanks very much.

dabendan12

太谢谢了！