Argument 36求拍，内附题目提纲正文等

rabbitfox

大家好，这是我写的第一篇argument, 应该会有很多不足之处，请大家拍拍~谢谢~

题目：
36. The following report appeared in the newsletter of the West Meria Public Health Council.
"An innovative treatment has come to our attention that promises to significantly reduce absenteeism in our schools and workplaces. A study reports that in nearby East Meria, where fish consumption is very high, people visit the doctor only once or twice per year for the treatment of colds. Clearly, eating a substantial amount of fish can prevent colds. Since colds represent the most frequently given reason for absences from school and work, we recommend the daily use of Ichthaid—a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil—as a good way to prevent colds and lower absenteeism."
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

提纲：
1.    因为感冒去看医生的人少并不意味着他们没有感冒
2.    即使很少感冒，也不意味着是吃鱼导致的
3.    没有证据可以表明Ichthaid oil中 是不是有鱼中可以防止感冒的物质
字数：385                     用时：3hrs+

正文
In the argument, the arguer concludes that using Ichthaid , coming from fish oil, everyday can prevent colds and decrease the absenteeism. As evidence the arguer points out people seldom go to see doctor because of cold in East Meria as they eat a lot of fish and the number of absence mostly results from cold can be decreased. However, lacking more accurate information, we cannot make sure the recommendation can really bring the desire effect as desire.

In the first place, people don’t go to see doctor for cold doesn’t mean they don’t get colds. Colds happen a lot in our lives and often they are not that severe so that need to go to see doctors. In most case, people can deal with colds themselves such as drinking hot water, take a rest or take some medicine when they have the cold symptom and they just need a few days to recover from cold. This is a reasonable explanation for people see doctors only a few times a year except they get cold.

In the second place, although people in East Meria really seldom get cold, the arguer failing to provide sufficient evidence it results from eating substantial amount of fish. Some other factors such as East Meria’s residents’ health life, mild weather and good environment are possible.  Eating healthy food to getting enough nutritious elements our body need and doing proper exercises everyday can strengthen our immune system to deal with virus and bacterial. Mild weather around the year with large amount of trees and little pollution provide a good environment for people living there.

The author also hastily assumes that eating fish has the same effect to prevent cold as using Ichthaid, granted eating fish helps preventing cold. No information provided that Ichthaid derived from fish oil is the element among all the nutrious in fish preventing cold.

The argument conclude daily using Ichthaid is a good way to prevent cold and lower absenteeism, but it fail to consider completely when arguer evaluating treatment of cold in hospital, other possibilities preventing colds and the effectiveness of Ichthaid coming from fish oil compared with fish. In order to draw a better conclusion, the arguer should reason more convincingly, cite some evidence that is more persuasive, and take every possible consideration into account.

可能存在的疑问： 1.会不会模版太明显？（不知道能不能算是模版，我就是在一些开头结尾处用了一些新东方的句子）
                          2.举得例子是不是太简单没有说服力？
                          3.语言用词是不是也太简单？
                          4.特别需要改进的方面？


谢谢大家~

普渡哥

1 我觉得你的不是模板：）

2 例子还可以。

3 有些语病，看看这句，In the second place, although people in East Meria really seldom get cold, the arguer failing to provide sufficient evidence it results from eating substantial amount of fish. 中文思维，再分析一下主谓宾结构。

4 多写，每天一篇，一定会进步。

rabbitfox

呵呵呵~谢谢普度哥~

大哥是说the arguer failing to provide sufficient evidence...这部分有语病对吗？ 我改过后应该是the arguer fails to provide sufficient evidence...  
可是为什么说是中文思维呢？请大哥指点~嘿嘿嘿~

我9月10号就要考试了，我会加油的~谢谢普度哥的帮助~