作文求拍：28就考了。。不好意思麻烦德克看看。。

NOBODYILI

不好意思考前还要占用德克时间，可是实在不确定自己的文章这样行不行，心里没有底。。。

请德克过目。多谢！！

ps。这篇文章有498字，用了35min。不想要那么多字，可是又不知从何删起。

还请德克帮忙删一删。

Ag/dis : people are too much emphasized on appearance and fashion?

 

When asking about the ideal marriage partner, nobody will expect his/her Mrs./Mr. Right to be hideous. Such is human nature, that everyone has the right and instinct to pursue beauty. Nevertheless, over emphasizing on outside beauty and rating all the people only by this have indubitably endangered our society.

 

Over-attention paid on the public people's appearance is invariably top of the list of my argument. Once open the newspaper or turn on the TV, we are besieged by the report about the new fashion trend lead by movie stars. It is next to impossible for us to find over 50% of serious news such as war news or the corroborating of the government. This fact could be easily backed up by the example of Paris Hilton. What is totally sarcastic is that the day Paris were released from the prison, the picture of her with shinning new dress swept all the other significant news pictures off from the press around the world. Even the news of the Iraq War is beaten down such a little girl! This case is not rare, since nearly all the crazy fans of movie stars care more about what luxurious brand of dress they are wearing rather than how much money they have donated to the charity every year or what is happening to their motherland. What would our descendants be like if they stick on to this morbid value? Hardly can we expect there will be any other improvement in this society other than the state of the art fashion dress.

 

Not only do people view stars in a ridiculous way, but they also have bias about normal people with poor looking. This can lead to dire consequences that the true knowledge of people is ignored. Unfortunately, this has already become a unbeatable fact. Take my brother as an example. He, graduated from Peking
            University which is the best University in China and boasted the experience of being a chairman of the student union, is swept out of several companies only because he is too short to be eligible for the companies. Millions of same cases are happening around us since nearly half of the companies require employers to be taller than 170 cm. What a pity for those companies since they have placed themselves in a hazardous situation where they fail to get more well educated people! Haven't they thought about what Albert Einstein looked like if they insist that there is a definite link between the outside appearance and the inside beauty? In fact, when he was walking on one bridge in New York in his shabby and old coat, nobody can believe that this short and normal-looking old man standing in front of them is indeed the distinguished Nobel Winner!

 

I do not deny that it is acceptable and even positive that people favor sensual men/women. Nevertheless, if we use this scale to view and even judge everybody, our society, indubitably, will improve no more.

德克的猪

When asking about the ideal marriage partner, nobody will expect his/her Mrs./Mr. Right to be hideous. Such is human nature, that(that可以不要) everyone has the right and instinct to pursue beauty. Nevertheless, over emphasizing on outside beauty and rating all the people only(merely更好) by this have indubitably endangered our society.

 

Over-attention paid on the public people's(public people应该用celebrity,社会名人代替) appearance is invariably at top of the list of my argument(两个of还是最好不要连用). Once open the newspaper or turn on the TV, we are besieged by the report about the new fashion trend lead(led) by movie stars. It is next to impossible for us to find over 50% of serious news such as war news or the corroborating of the government. This fact could be easily backed up by the example of Paris Hilton. What is totally sarcastic is that the day Paris were released from the prison, the picture of her with shinning new dress swept all the other significant news pictures off from the press around the world. Even the news of the Iraq War is beaten down such a little(little不好,你可以说promiscuous,阅卷人绝对会同意你Hilton是个浪女人的言论) girl! This case is not rare, since nearly all the crazy fans of movie stars care more about what luxurious brand of dress they are wearing rather than how much money they have donated to the charity every year or what is happening to their motherland. What would our descendants be like if they stick on to this morbid value? Hardly can we expect there will be any other improvement in this society other than the state of the art fashion dress. (我觉得这段的论证和题目不紧密.你最好将你的重点放在:现在的人,追星只看重外表,而不注重内涵.比如Hilton,戏演的烂,歌唱的不好,丑闻不段,而且屡教不改酒后驾车,但是还是有人追捧她,而且还把她放在报纸的头条,简直是荒谬,然后马上接一个问句:这难道不愚蠢吗?马上回答,没有头脑的行为.我写的就是:Currently, a multitude of people focus all their attention and tension on celebrities appearances-it seems that those so-called stars’ hair styles, dressing styles and faces are the only things that appeal to them. It will suffice to mention Paris Hilton, the biggest joke of the year. Her new album is saturated with plagiarizing. Her latest movie won The Golden Raspberry Award, overwhelmingly. And her famous video-one night in Paris-is still popular. At times I cannot help but to wonder why such a no-brain woman who even drove after drunk for three times still owns a group of fans and news about her release occupied the headline of many newspapers. In the end, I can only conclude that it is her brilliant appearance that exerts a fascination on some people. It is a dissipation of words to report her and it is beyond me to be her fan. Simply pursuing external beauty is, I believe unshakably, meaningless. And in this, I do not stand alone.我的意思就是,你把Hilton贬一通,然后有说竟然有人喜欢她,肯定是喜欢她的外表,喜欢这种人完全没有意义.)

 

Not only do people view stars in a ridiculous way, but they also have bias about normal people with poor looking. This can lead to dire consequences that the true knowledge of people is ignored. Unfortunately, this has already become a unbeatable(an inconvenient fact) fact. Take my brother as an example. He, graduated from Peking University which is the best University in China and boasted(这里用boast不好,boast是优点贬义的) the experience of being a chairman of the student union, is swept out of several companies only because he is too short to be eligible for the companies(这里需要再次强调细节化,你可以说absurdly due to his 5-1 height.男人这个身高已经很矮了). Millions of same cases are happening(这里还是用happen around比较好) around us since nearly half of the companies require employers to be taller than 170 cm. What a pity for those companies since they have placed themselves in a hazardous situation where they fail to get more well educated people!(This is a pity that some of the people with outstanding capacities cannot be respected and allotted to their right positions. And the reason is fairly unreasonable-they are not tall enough. Phenomenon of this sort, partially, will punish those companies with decreases in profits and, generally, block the development of society.) Haven't they thought about what Albert Einstein looked like if they insist that there is a definite link between the outside appearance and the inside beauty(qualities更好,这里是人的品质的意思)? In fact, when he was walking on one bridge in New York in his shabby and old coat, nobody can believe that this short and normal-looking old man standing in front of them is indeed the distinguished Nobel Winner!(was sitting at the top of science world)

 

I do not deny that it is acceptable and even positive that people favor sensual men/women. Nevertheless, if we use this scale to view and even judge everybody, our society, indubitably, will improve no more.

 

30分钟可以完成400多字已经可以了

我觉得你后面的一个论点很好develop,前面的一个,实在是不好写,我也不是很满意我写的那一个,我始终觉得它和主题的联系不是太紧密.

所以,我的意见是:主要的文笔用来写后面一个,然后再用一段,比较概括的称述其他的一些观点,这些观点只用称述就可以,不develop.

NOBODYILI

谢谢德克！！！！鞠躬～

真是好班班～感动中。。。