第一次的作文，请NN zdlukeluck修改

lsyhy

6.9就考了，才写了第一篇作文，请大牛zdlukeluck帮忙修改阿，这样的基本上能得几分？谢谢

519的考题：Teachers should be paid at least as much as doctors, lawyers and business leaders.

Since the pace of development of world, the teacher as a vital job of society is paid more and more attention on by people. Currently, whether teachers should get descent salaries as doctors, lawyers and business leaders seems to raise a controversy. As my perspective, teachers deserve high pay.

For one thing, Confucius, the widely acclaimed preeminent ancient educator and thinker, had demonstrated his theory about teacher which I believe in unshakably-the teacher is the most contributive vocation of the world. They shoulder the fairly crucial responsibility of not only teaching knowledge, but also helping students cultivate good character. With the some pressure and burdensome workload as doctors and lawyers, teachers would frantically immerse themselves into preparing about lecture, evaluating students' assignments and researching some education pattern, most of which even are taken their spare time to complete. Hence, in return, teachers need to be paid high salaries.

Moreover, high pay can not only positively award teacher's contribution, but it can also give teachers a sense of accomplishment which, to some degree, will inspire the activity of work. With the high enthusiasm of work, they will devote themselves into education utterly, and meanwhile, students are the beneficial owner. To give a demonstration, one of my friends who is a high school teacher, has 2 part time jobs-one is a journalist of a newspaper and the other is a tutor for some pupils, only because he deems that there is not many deposits besides the loan of his house, the expense of his family’s daily life every month. Ultimately, nothing can be worse than this; he invariably feels tired and can not concentrate himself on his normal work, let alone conveying enough knowledge to his students.

Another must be added, with the high salaries, teachers can focus on their teaching and nourishing, and what will happen then? More and more doctors, lawyers and business leaders will be born.

Taking into account all the above mentioned relevant factors, we may draw the conclusion that so demanding of high pay of teachers that all people will benefit.

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-5-23 13:29:54编辑过]

zdlukeluck

今天已经又两篇要改了，每天帮你改吧

zdlukeluck

········我还说改呢··

··一看你的文章就知道是看过我的修改和词汇替换之后写的···所以我要改动的地方就很少了···

··当然我自己就不好再评判了，总不可以自夸吧······问问你的老师看看如何，

··绝对有个4分的中档··说不定是上档，但是有的用词不太恰当，我会指出来的·

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-5-23 19:50:45编辑过]

lsyhy

是啊，就是看了你的修改和替换以后写的，觉得启发很多，真的很感谢你：）

但是就是没办法在30分钟以内完成一篇文章，构思就要想很久，有时候一句话的表达也会想很久。。。

zdlukeluck

这说明积累的量还不够，所以一个句子要想很久。

解决构思有一个办法：

将作文的题目作为口语的题目，强迫之间在一分钟时间内回答这个问题，然后将你在这一分钟内说的东西当作论述的材料写。

最好有一个计时器什么的，强迫自己回答往往会挤出一些东西来

flyakite8606

呵呵，很凑巧，我的第一篇文章也是这个,然后我也发上来请帮我改一下，谢谢.

It has always been my belief that being a teacher is one of the noblest professions a person could choose. Even though many people may tend to categorize teachers as ordinary people who only deserve plain wages, I strongly advocate that teachers should be paid as much as physicians, lawyers, and business leaders.

First of all, educators have always played a significant role in society. They act as a vital medium for the transfer of knowledge from one generation to the next. Teachers convey knowledge so selflessly from themselves to countless numbers of students, which often has a positive impact on their lives, and leads them to better themselves and society as a whole. From this standpoint, teachers have contributed just as much as lawyers, doctors, and the financial leaders of the world, if not more so. For this alone they should receive a wage worthy of their sacrifice.

In addition to this, becoming a teacher, especially a competent educator, requires a lot of effort and patience. If you want to be an excellent teacher, not only should you gain sufficient knowledge in the specific area you are teaching, you should learn and practice a good teaching methodology which can be successfully applied to your class. Good teaching methodology requires a combination of knowledge and the way of presenting and disseminating it. What's more, its crucial for teachers to be aware that students with different interests or levels of comprehension may react differently to the materials a teacher presents so sometimes teachers need to reevaluate their methods over and over again for the better understanding of their students.

Last but not least, being a good teacher means that you have to sacrifice a lot of personal time. For example a teacher might spend extra time tutoring students even after class has ended. Therefore, I think they need to be compensated via higher wages.

It's the teachers who have brought us through the gates of the hall of knowledge; It's the teachers who have encouraged us to realize and pursue our personal goals. Their spirit should be commended, and their act should be awarded. Combining all those reasons, I unequivocally advocate that teachers should be paid as much as doctors, lawyers, and business leaders.

德克的猪

LS

写得很不错呀..有的细节还是要注意一下，不过整体很好

但是，first of all, in addition，last but not least这样比较低级的连接词会影响你这篇写得很不错的文章

所以建议你用一些高级点的过渡

flyakite8606

你能否建议一下有什么高级的过渡语句吗?我在这些细节方面真的没什么研究哦,谢谢啦!

flyakite8606

另外能否请zdlukeluck老师帮我看看啊?谢谢你啦,给我点评论和建议,多谢

费尔南多

你一定也要拯救我啊，谢谢咯