第一篇TOEFL作文... 求高人修改

wallr

005 A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.
It seems good news to hear about that a large factory will be built near my community because of numerous advantages and benefits.
First, a lot of people in my community can enter the new factory to get a job with a considerable salary. For example, young men and women may become workers of the new factory. Many people who don’t have formal jobs now, sell small things in the market or do some other temporary jobs may get a better job in the new factory. Even old people may also find a job such as concierges. Regular salaries would allow families the confidence to make investments in their futures.
Second, the new factory may promote the development of the community economy. Big shops, restaurants, and parks may be built near our community. The merchandise in the big mart will be much cheaper than normal shops and all the people in the community will gain the benefits. And if one park is built so, we can have a free but wonderful place to rest and participate in some activities in it. Profits from these would further enrich the local community.
Above all, with the contribution of the new factory, the community service may get big improvement. The new factory can create immense economy benefits for the local government and with this money the local government can develop the community service. Planting trees, building roads or improving the community school can make the environment, traffic or education all significantly develop.
On the other hand, building a new factory is sure to have some environmental problem. Air pollution and water pollution is important for people to consider. However, as the technology and the environmental awareness develop, pollution can be reduced to the lowest.
In conclusion, building a large factory can bring our community enormous and positive benefits. I wish the factory can open as soon as possible and our all dream can come true.

tomatohead

It seems good news to hear about that a large factory will be built near my community because of numerous advantages and benefits.
First, a lot of people in my community can enter the new factory to get a job with a considerable salary. For example,(remove) young men and women may become workers of the new factory. Many people who don’t have formal jobs now, sell small things in the market or do some other temporary jobs may get a better job in the new factory. Even old people may also find a job such as concierges. Regular salaries would allow families the confidence to make investments in their futures.
Second, the new factory may promote the development of the community economy. Big shops, restaurants, and parks may be built near our community. The merchandise in the big mart will be much cheaper than normal shops and all the people in the community will gain the benefits. And if one park is built so, we can have a free but wonderful place to rest and participate in some activities in it. Profits from these would further enrich the local community.
Above all, with the contribution of the new factory, the community service may get big improvement. The new factory can create immense economy benefits for the local government and with this money the local government can develop the community service. Planting trees, building roads or improving the community school can make the environment, traffic or education all significantly develop.
On the other hand, building a new factory is sure to have some environmental problem. Air pollution and water pollution is important for people to consider. However, as the technology and the environmental awareness develop, pollution can be reduced to the lowest.
In conclusion, building a large factory can bring our community enormous and positive benefits. I wish the factory can open as soon as possible and our all dream can come true(everybody can benefit from it).

Overall, a good essay, strong mechanics, right punctuations, and good choice of words.