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高手们,帮小弟改下作文

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楼主
发表于 2007-3-7 18:48:00 | 只看该作者

高手们,帮小弟改下作文

 While discussing this topic, majority of students will be attracted by the exciting argument. Many students have quite different choices. Maybe some would decide to live in apartment off campus. However, I would like to live in university dormitory.

  The reasons, which support my standpoint, to some extent, are not sophisticated and are established on my relevant experiences. And in the following, I will illustrate them orderly, such as financial factor, social skills, etc.

  The main reason, as the strength of living on campus, is that it is not as expensive as living off campus. My family is not rich, so it is in this way that I am capable of reducing the cost of my education as well as my parents’ financial burden would be eliminated.

  Then the potential benefit from this approach in the perspective of social skills is that living on campus is more convenient and practical to deal with social relationship, which we ought to learn before we involved in the society. For instance, there are four persons living in my dormitory who have various habits and characteristics. Therefore, many different levels and kinds of contradictions display in our daily life. How to do with these contradictions, which are like problems to solve, is like the proceeds of learning. So I am willing to live in university dormitory.

  In terms of the weakness, we might notice that living off campus may be free to arrange own time. However, under this circumstance---most of college students nowadays are green hand on the aspects of finance and social knowledge. Living on campus comes to be a better way if we comparatively high cost of living outside into consideration.

  Generally speaking, due to the financial factor and social skills, living in university dormitory is suit for me. Though the weakness exists avoid less, it is more practical and reason for me to live on campus.

多谢!请发到我的邮箱  songtao1999{a} sina.com

沙发
发表于 2007-3-10 19:46:00 | 只看该作者

楼主的文章在我看来有以下几处不足:

1.从第一段来看,没必要加修饰词的就不用加了.这是议论文,不是散文.尽量充实你文章的以下几个段落.

2.从后面几段来看,不该加插入语的地方就不要乱加,字数上你是加了,但是你文章的说服力就减弱了.因为过多的并且是重复描述同一意思的插入语只会显得你语言烦琐.

3.人称能统一的就尽量统一.

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