互改小组——越努力越自由 的作文贴

越努力越自由

Nov26 Issue 59 越努力越自由。麻烦指教！！！

永敢飞祥

已改                           

Ashley19921124

改完，水平有限，请择优吸收。

enkyklios

因为我本身作文水平不高，所以从语法的角度我帮楼主第一段做了一些修改。仅供参考



原文
句1

The primeaim of Science is benefiting people1, so there is no doubt that Scientists andother researchers should focus their study2 on areas that are likely to benefit most of people3.

句2

Onlywhen most people get interest’sfrom4 thestudy5, theywill be willing to pay for the sciences products6, scientist7will get more money to promote8 followingstudy9, and to form fruitfulcycle10.

这里我认为is benefiting 不妥，还不如不定式。 most of people在这里使用完全错误。 get interests from是取得合法利益，意思也不当，应该是受益 when 中get用的现在时也不好。sciences products 我不敢说错误但是我觉的改了以后更贴切fruitful cycle我没有读过，所以我冒失的换了一个词. study 应改为studies. they will 改成will they 会更好
细小的错误非常多，在word中满篇红杠杠，这如果在手写中还情有可原，在word中出现而不改正的贴了来非常说不过去。


修改后（红色部分为修改意见）

As it is the scientist's prime mission to promote the well-being of mankind, there is no doubt that scientists and other researchers should focus their studies on areas that are advantages to the majority of people. Only after most people have benefited from the studies, will they be willing to pay for the technology products and, as a result, scientists will obtain more money to launch following studies, thus to form a virtuous circle.

因为水平有限故此只做了最小的改动，事实上我认为逻辑结构上还有不清楚的地方，例如第一句和第二句的关系就不清晰。如果按照汉语提纲来说中间加上一个since句可能会好些。only 句连用几个study不仅在单词也在句子上显得缺乏驾驭能力； 可以考虑改为only their effort are recognized by ……，总之可以考虑一些其它的表达方式。