【大四党最后一站作文28，感谢CDer】卡门的作文帖，求狠批！11.24大四党最后一战

carmensh

【8.26】

Do you agree the professional athletes such as the football player andbasketball player deserve high salaries to be paid?

Recently the topic of whether the professional athletes deserve highsalaries to be paid has aroused heated discussion. Unfair as it looks at firstsight, paying more for the professional athletes than for others is actuallyreasonable from a profound perspective. Several factors, such as the hugeprofits they bring and the hard work they pay contribute to the issue.Therefore, I note that the professional athletes deserve high salaries to bepaid. The reasons will be furtherillustrated as follows.

To begin with, the professional athletes, especially those famous ones,bring a huge amount of profits to their club. For instance, the annual salaryof YaoMing, the famous Chinese basketball player who serves for NBA, is about10 million dollars, which is pretty high for most common people. While thenumber of his annual salary is only about one tenth of the profits that he canmake to his club through his personal influence such as some fans buy thecompetition tickets in order to support their idol. So considering hiscontributions made to the club, Yao is qualified as such a high salaries paidbasketball player, so are other professional athletes.

Moreover, in order to be professional athletes, they have to pay copiousamount of hard work behind people. For example, Messi, the famous footballplayer, has to train everyday and only has rested few days over the past decadesince he has become a professional football player. In addition, theprofessional athletes not only are under huge mental pressure since their tinymistake in competition may lead to the total failure of their team, but alsohave to bear many physical injuries and pains. No pains, no gains. Therefore,their high salaries are compatible to their hard working.

Admittedly, it is undeniable that the salaries paid for those professionalathletes such as football player and basketball players are much higher thancommon people. However, they pay much more than common people and they play animportant role in the field, too. Hence their high value makes them deserved highsalaries.

Taking all the factors discussed above into consideration, I believe thatthe professional athletes deserve high salaries to be paid.

字数：363（感觉略少，但是不知道谢什么了）

carmensh

【8.28】
独立：

Do you agree or disagree with the opinion:

People who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successfulat working in a group.

Agree.

1.membersaccepting criticisms means the virtue of modesty, which isneccessary for a person to succeed

e.g. Lishi Min, Wei Zheng, a mirror. the spectators see clearer in thechess game than the players

2.criticisms stem from various ideas which are indispensible at theteamwork;

e.g. Paul, the group leader in commercial competition; didn't acceptcriticisms of other group members; finally failed; Paul lost the trust of other

Admittedly, criticisms are not always right, (but) should take them intoconsideration carefully instead of just ignoring

As the Chinese ole saying goes, an effective medicine is bitter to thetaste and the practical advise is harsh to ear, which means that acceptingcriticisms is very essential though a little hard. Important to stick to one'sown oppinion as it looks at first sight, ignoring the criticism from otherswill definitely not bring the success to a person at working in a group.Several factors contribute to this issue. Therefore, I note that people whorefuse to accept criticisms will not be successful at teamwork.

To begin with, accepting criticisms in some extent means being modest,which is a neccessary virtue for a person to succeed. I am a big fan of thatthe spectators see clearer in the chess game than the players. Lishi Min, theemperor in Tang dynasty, is a good example of accepting criticisms of others.He has a minister named Wei Zheng who always proposes advice and criticisms tothe emperor Li, and even in a direct way, especially when others do not dare tosay any words. Once the emperor Li wanted to build a palace which would cost alarge amount of money as a gift for his favorite princess, Wei fiercelyrejected this plan saying that the money should be used for citizens instead ofjust pleasing a princess. Obviously the emperor Li was pretty angry with Wei atthe very beginning, while after thinking over, he accepeted the criticism anddecided to make more contributions to citizens with the money. It is thecriticisms of Wei that make the emperor Li a brilliant one in Chinese history.Therefore, just as the famous saying of the emperor Li goes, criticism is a mirrorreflecting one's defects.

Moreover, criticisms of others stem from various perspective to an issue,which are indispensible for a team to succeed. This concept may be tooabstract----let me raise an convinving example to break down this statement. OnceI participated in a commercial competition with several classmates and Paul wasour group leader because of his professional knowledge. As the competitionprogressed, our team lagged behind of others groups. We discussed to find wherethe problems were. And we thought it was because Paul put too much attention onone field and ignored others.And he was criticised by other team members andsuggested to change our direction. However, he not only denied those criticismsbut also acted arbitrarily which finally resulted in the failure of our teamand the lost of our trust for him. Hence people who can not accept criticismsof others and go their own way will not obtain others' trust in the group.

Admittedly, those criticisms of others are not always right and thushelpful, while it is important to distinguish to take in. However, people needto take the criticisms of others into consideration and then make decisionsinstead of just ignoring or rejecting them.

By way of conclusion, I reaffirm my view that it ishighly rewarding for people to accept criticisms of others. By doing this,people can succeed at working in a group.

综合写作晚些放上~~！！

carmensh

【8.29】

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement？The most important investment for a big company is to improve the efficiency and proficiency of its employees.
Disagree.
1.advanced technology and equipments; R&D; creation
e.g. during Industrial Revolution; skilled workers were replaced by steam engine and other machinery inventions
no matter how efficient and proficient the workers were, they couldn't compete with
2. welfare for employees
e.g. a friend in a commercial bank, be rewarded 20% of the amount of deposit that he  brings to the bank
not only an incentive for employees to be more..., but also a method for companies to retain those employees with high...
admittedly, train is very important, but not the most important; to improve the skill is not whole responsibility of a company, but also a task of employees their own

Nowadays it is very common in big companies to have their employees trained periodically in order to improve the efficiency and proficiency of its employees. A great weapon to win as it looks at first sight, for a big company investing a lot on improving the efficiency and proficiency of its employees is not the most important. Several factors, such as the advanced technology and welfare, contribute to this issue. Therefore, I note that it is not the most investment for a big company to improve the efficiency and proficiency of its employees.

To begin with, it is more important, as least not less, to invest on bringing in and creating advanced technology and equipments than improving employees' skills. In this society with rapid development, if a big company wants to take a share on the market, it is essential to value the Research and Development highly and have its own core technology. This statement might be too abstract----let me take an example to illustrate it. Before the Industrial Revolution, there were a large number of skilled workers in clothes factories. They were efficient and proficient repeating the same works every day. While after the steam engine was invented and more machines were brought into factories, most of the skilled workers were replaced and not matter how efficient and proficient they were, they could not compete with machines because more profits could be made for factories with machines. Therefore, if a big company can catch the trend and have its core technology and equipments advanced, it will not need to invest too much on having employees' skill improved.

In addition, investment on welfare and bonus for employees also plays an important role for a big company. Only if the employees are satisfied, would they are willing to make more contributions to the company. I am a big fan of the incentive management. I have a friend working in a commercial bank, and in the bank there is a rule---- an employee will be rewarded twenty percent of the amount of deposit he brings to the bank. And because of the desire for the bonus, the employees are more engaged to bring the deposit as much as they can. As a result, the bank makes lots of profit every year. Moreover, investing on the bonus and welfare for employees is not only an incentive for them to improve their skills, but also a method for companies to retain those employees already with high efficiency and proficiency.

Admittedly, it is a very vital investment for a big company to improve the efficiency and proficiency of its employees, but it is not the most important aspect; to improve the skill is not the whole responsibility of the company, but also a required task of employees their own.

Taking all the factors discussed above into consideration, many other investments for a big company are indispensable and the one to improve the efficiency and proficiency of its employees is just one of those important aspects, but not the most important one.

vincytao

Nowadays it is very common in big companies to have their employees trained periodically in order to improve the efficiency and proficiency of their employees. A great weapon to win as it looks at first sight, for a big company investing a lot on improving the efficiency and proficiency of its employees is not the most important. Several factors, such as the advanced technology and welfare, contribute to this issue. Therefore, I note that it is not the most investment for a big company to improve the efficiency and proficiency of its employees.

To begin with, it is more important, as least not less, to invest on bringing in and creating advanced technology and equipments than improving employees' skills. In this society with rapid development, if a big company wants to take a share on the market, it is essential to value the Research and Development highly and have its own core technology. This statement might be too abstract----let me take an example to illustrate it. Before the Industrial Revolution, there were a large number of skilled workers in clothes factories. They were efficient and proficient repeating the same works every day. While after the steam engine was invented and more machines were brought into factories, most of the skilled workers were replaced and not matter how efficient and proficient they were, they could not compete with machines because more profits could be made for factories with machines. Therefore, if a big company can catch the trend and have its core technology and equipments advanced, it will not need to invest too much on having employees' skill improved.

In addition, investment on welfare and bonus for employees also plays an important role for a big company. Only if the employees are satisfied, would they are willing to make more contributions to the company. I am a big fan of the incentive management. I have a friend working in a commercial bank, and in the bank there is a rule---- an employee will be rewarded twenty percent of the amount of deposit he brings to the bank. And because of the desire for the bonus, the employees are more engaged to bring the deposit as much as they can. As a result, the bank makes lots of profits every year. Moreover, investing on the bonus and welfare for employees is not only an incentive for them to improve their skills, but also a method for companies to retain those employees already with high efficiency and proficiency.

Admittedly, it is a very vital investment for a big company to improve the efficiency and proficiency of its employees, but it is not the most important aspect; to improve the skill is not the whole responsibility of the company, but also a required task of employees their own.

Taking all the factors discussed above into consideration, many other investments for a big company are indispensable and the one to improve the efficiency and proficiency of its employees is just one of those important aspects, but not the most important one.

楼主写的真的是太好了~本来想把好句子都标出来，但是我看了看真的都不错。就没有具体标出来。就有个别地方主谓不一致

carmensh

vincytao 发表于 2013-8-30 22:47
Nowadays it is very common in big companies to have their employees trained periodically in order to ...

别这么说~~其实除了语法错误，我更希望能得到一些表达多样性上的指导~总觉得自己一样的话来回来去说，想变但又不会说~~~所以有什么好的表达尽管告诉我哈~~~

cloverlisa

红色小错，黄色句子，绿色段落结构
Do you agree the professional athletes such as the football player andbasketball player deserve high salaries to be paid?

Recently the topic of whether the professional athletes deserve highsalaries to be paid (此处是不是要加个 or not) has aroused heated discussion. Unfair as it looks at firstsight(这个句式赞的，定于提前表强调), paying more for the professional athletes than for others is actuallyreasonable 拼写注意from a profound perspective. Several factors, such as the hugeprofits (又连写？) they (我觉得这个THEY去掉吧，前面是个插入语，如果你想表示主语是factors) bring and 去掉 the hard work they 指代不明吧 pay contribute （此处两个动词要逆天？）to the issue.原谅我后来读懂了这句话，你想说的是Several factors, such as huge profits ...... and  the hard work......, contribute to the issue,pay 的后面少个“,”，断句真的要段半天呢Therefore, I note that the professional athletes deserve high salaries to bepaid (去掉呗）. The reasons will be furtherillustrated （空格，亲）as follows.

此段结构，S1，引出背景  S2, 表明是reasonable S3, 写一些影响的因素 S4,表明立场 S5,看官且看下段分解。这段还是比较中规中矩的写法，顺延，因果，强调


To begin with, the professional athletes, especially those famous ones,bring a huge amount of profits to their club. For instance, the annual salaryof YaoMing, the famous Chinese basketball player who serves for NBA, is about10 million dollars, which is pretty high for most common people. While thenumber （可用Profortion替代,还有空格 ）of his annual salary is only about one tenth of the profits that he canmake to his club through his personal influence such as （后面加名字，不加从句 可改成 which stimulates.相应后面改to buy）some fans buy thecompetition tickets in order to support their idol. 整句话由while 引导，缺乏主句，可将while 改成HOWEVER So(为避免与后一个so 重复，可改成 Therefore, ) considering hiscontributions made to the club, Yao is qualified as such a high salaries paid 去掉 basketball player, so are other professional athletes. 这个倒桩好

围绕观点专业运动员给俱乐部带来很大利润，这个主题据我觉得少些什么东西好像，但是姚明例子中有说到他的个人收获其实很小，所以高薪不过分，还是蛮围绕中心的。


Moreover, in order to be professional athletes, they (我觉得改成 in order to become professional, the athletes比较顺) have to pay copiousamount of hard work behind people. For example, Messi, the famous footballplayer, has to train everyday and only has rested few days over the past decadesince he has become a professional football player. In addition, theprofessional athletes not only are under huge mental pressure since their tinymistake in competition may lead to the total failure of their team, but alsohave to bear many physical injuries and pains. “No pains, no gains. “引用古语加引号Therefore,their high salaries are compatible to their hard working.

主题是运动员付出了很多艰辛为成为专业选手。仍旧是接下来开始举例MESSI，休息少，联系多。递进，专业运动员，压力大，最后总结高薪和努力分不开。

Admittedly, it is undeniable that the salaries paid for those professionalathletes such as football player and basketball players are much higher thancommon people. However, they pay much more than common people and they play animportant role in the field, too. Hence their high value makes them deserved highsalaries.

倒数第二段让步，承认事实，运动员高薪，反驳，付出的比普通人多，高价值导致高收益，还是比较中规中矩的写法，有适当的连词，但句式变化不大

Taking all the factors discussed above into consideration, I believe thatthe professional athletes deserve high salaries to be paid.
结尾虽然扣题但是收的略仓促，可以再展开一下，比如咱们应该学习运动员的拼搏精神，而不要纠结于他们的高收入，因为任何一个有过努力付出的人都会得到回报的

总评： 优点 1.观点紧扣主题，做了适当的举例和展开
                   2.结构清晰，有适当过渡连词
                   3.有适当的句式变化，行文流畅
                   4.有长短结合的句式，使文章有节奏感  比如很多处  主语，插入语， 谓语+宾语。。。
           缺点 1. 亲，你要学会打空格，这个真的很多问题，考场一定留时间检查
                   2.高级词汇运用较少，可背一些相关方面的大词，让考官眼前一亮
                   3.语法错误较多，建议一定写的时候分好主谓宾，然后看到连词就想到是不是有主句从句，不要孤零零得放在那里
                   4.要多尝试各种论证方法除了举例意外，比如比喻，让步，排比，反问


sorry，抱歉回晚了，因为我前两天再忙录取的事情，阴差阳错的，我已经In了一所欧洲商学院，所以以后就不参加小分队了。亲，请重新分下组，忘了我吧。。。。祝好。。

carmensh

cloverlisa 发表于 2013-8-31 02:51
红色小错，黄色句子，绿色段落结构
Do you agree the professional a ...

谢谢这么认真帮我批改~！！

cloverlisa

carmensh 发表于 2013-8-31 16:31
谢谢这么认真帮我批改~！！

哈哈，不客气，小伙伴，加油加油加油！

carmensh

10.29
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The effective leader tries to make others feel they have been part of a decision.

The role of a leader playing in a team is always one of the most important factors that contribute to the best result. An effective leader has to connect all team members together as a whole to run a project perfectly. To achieve this goal, therefore, I note that the effective leader tries to make others feel they have been part of a decision. The reasons will be further illustrated as follows.

To begin with, the team members will feel being respected if they participate in the process of decision. For example, last I took part in a project and my team leader was a classmate named Tom. Every time when we discussed to run the project, Tom would ask each of us to state our opinions before final decisions. Also, when making decisions, our views were taken into consideration and we voted for the final decision. During this process, all of us felt we had been part of the decision and we all had the right to express ourselves instead of just being subject to the leader. Consequently, we were really inspired to make our own contributions to the team. Therefore, it is essential for a leader to be effective to tie every member in the process of decision.

Moreover, the team members will be more responsible if they recognize their important role in the team. Responsibility is a necessary factor in all team works in civilized society. Without it, nothing could ever be brought to a conclusion; everything would be in a state of chaos. The leader, who is assigning works to others and making the final decisions, should have everyone felt associated with the process. The members therefore feel being valued instead of being overlooked and are inspired to be more active so as to make the best result. As a result, the leader has copious ideas from different points of view. Taking all these issues into account, team will definitely have the best decision with the lowest risk.

Admittedly, sometimes it is time- consuming and low efficient to consider so many opinions from others to make the decision. But it is the lead who makes the final decision, and most importantly, no matter whether in the end the suggestions are taken over or not, to make the members feel part of the decision is the secret of an effective leader.

By way of conclusion, I reaffirm that the effective leader tries to make others feel they have been part of the decision. It makes others feel that they are respected and useful in the team, and motives them to work more actively and diligently.

修一一

carmensh 发表于 2013-10-30 22:57
10.29
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The effective leader tries to make othe ...

看了楼主给我改的作文，改的真的很好~学习了！
你的我也改完啦~~~共同进步！