独立写作练习贴···求提高 求指导 求28

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一楼占位表决心。二楼先贴下9.23昨天自己练习的一道题目，走过路过的童鞋们，求拍砖，求很拍。今天开始将紧跟【写作小分队】训练步伐，预计今天10点前可以完成今天的题目。总结
1，want= desire = would like to
2，an increasing number of ......= the number of ...... has been skyrocketing 3，be the basic of = lay the foundation of
4,  pollute = contaminate
5,  be the reason caused to ... =be the culprit of ...
【感谢付图图童鞋的批改】

9.24
which do you choose to improve your health：kind of food you eat，amount of exercise，amount of stress


9.25
People who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful at working in a group.


9.26
Some jobs can pay high salaries but require employees to leave their family and friends. Some jobs pay few salaries but allow staying with family and friend. Which do you like

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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement.
Colleges or universities should offer students a better job preparation before they start working.

总计字数396
Unlike the people in the past, young generation get more chances to receive higher education. Not only an increasing number of new universities opened, but also all the universities developed to enroll more students. Therefore, it is difficult for students who just graduate from colleges to find jobs because the degrees seems not that important nowadays. In this case, whether colleges should offer students a better preparation before they start working becomes a controversial argument. It is nature that people from different background have diverse viewpoints on the same issue.

As to me, however, I hold the opinion that colleges or universities should, indeed, provide their students a better job preparation before they graduate. To begin with, a better job preparation, including good career service, opportunities of internship, lectures about job-seeking and so on, will benefit the students by giving them not only degrees. For example, most of the fulltime jobs are given to interns who have experiences in the company. Hence, whether the university could offer students good career service, such as help student review their resumes and hold campus career fairs, become a key factor that determined the result of their students’ job-seeking. To be more precise, if the university want to increase their students’ employment rate, one of the best way is to offer them a better job preparation during the school time.


Moreover, offering students good job preparation will attract more promising students and, to some extent, boost the school’s reputation. The reason why students choose to study in university is always that they want to find high-salaried, high-status, creditable job after graduating. Thus, they may easily attracted by universities that will assist them to achieve their goals. After these ambitious students got offers from famous companies, they became the most convincing advertisement of the school and perhaps helped built a further relationship between the company and the university.


Admittedly, some people argue that universities should focus on the academic teaching instead of job preparation because some students must have strong academic background to apply a PhD. But this opinion could not hold water because those minority could not represent the whole. The benefits brought by the job preparation services overweighs it flaws.


To sum up, for the reasons I have given above, a better job preparation should be offered by universities to make their students more competitive in the job market.

fuzhengrui

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Which do you choose to improve your health：kind of food you eat，amount of exercise，amount of stress

Unlike people in the past, new generation focus more on improving their health so that they can live longer. Many methods to achieve this goal were sprung up, including eating diet food, doing exercises regularly and reducing the stress. Which is the best way among those ways to improve health is always a controversial argument. It is nature that people from different background will have diverse viewpoints on the same issue.

As to me, however, I improve my health by carefully arranging what I eat. To begin with, it will reduce or even avoid the risk to eat something bad for our health. With the heavy environment pollution nowadays, we must select healthy food to make sure that we will not eat poison food. For example, an increasing number of chemicals used in our daily life, such as detergent, are damaging our environment, such as the river system. Those chemicals poured into the river system will not only pollute drinking water, but also the fish in the river. It is risky for our health if we eat those polluted fish. Therefore, the raw materials we choose to cook meal should be brought from creditable supermarket to ensure the quality.

Furthermore, the way we cook and the arrange of the meal are also key factors to determine whether the food is healthy. For instance, fried food will make people fat. And fat is always the original reason cause to many diseases. Besides, we should eat variety kinds of food each meal to cover all the nutrition out body needed, even though some food, for example carrot, is the one we dislike. These food that may do not have good taste will help increase our immune system to defend against the diseases. Thus, our health will be improved.

Admittedly, food that we eat is not the only factor to improve our healthy. However, it is, indeed, play a significant role to our body. After we have had a good diet habit, we could do some exercises and reduce the stress to accompany. To be more precise, only if we have had a good eating habit, the effect brought from other methods can be seen obviously.

To sum up, there are many ways to contribute to our health, but food is the most essential one. To some extent, having a better eating habit is the basic to improve our healthy and we must put it on the first place.

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感谢付图图同学的批改··非常有帮助··多谢··

fuzhengrui

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9.25 独立写作   求狠批，求进步

总字数 441
It is no doubt that teamwork plays a more important role nowadays than it did in the past. To achieve success, people must learn how to cooperate with their team members and how to benefit from each other. Therefore, those who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful when working in a group.

First and foremost, accepting the criticism is an access to get improved. Only when we spontaneously and continually modify our flaws, we can become better ourselves. For example, once I was an intern in an accounting firm, I took in charge of some parts of the working paper. I spent a whole night finishing my work carefully. However, my supervisor pointed out lots of my mistakes and criticize that I did not study the working papers done previously. I felt depressed at first, but after comparing my work with those did by other experience colleagues, I found that all the criticisms were reasonable. I downloaded many examples for the internal website of the company and learnt from them. When the time my internship ended, I could write a working paper considered to be more professional than before. Due to the good performance during my internship, I got a recommended letter from my supervisor and my first fulltime job offer from this company.

Furthermore, there are two results from refusing the criticism, the first one is that no one will point out your weaknesses, and the other one is that you may involve into the conflict with your group members. Neither of the two consequences is good for the group. The one who always refuses criticism will finally be isolated in the group.
It will not only be harmful to the person himself, but also damage the whole team. To some extent, teamwork is defined as an ability to get along with other team members. And this ability now becomes a significant factor to determine whether a person can be successful.

Admittedly, some people suggests that they must insist their opinion so that they can get success. Actually, some criticisms are unconvincing and ridiculous. But this viewpoint still cannot hold water because those situations seldom appear and cannot represent the majority. To be more precise, the benefits brought from accepting criticisms overweighs its flaws. When we disagree with the criticisms, commutation is always the best way to deal with.

To sum up, for the reasons I have given above, I hold the perspective that people who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful at working in a group. The better we collaborate with each other, the easier we can achieve success as a whole.

xiumu2280

It is no doubt that teamwork plays a more important role nowadays than it did in the past. To achieve success, people must learn how to cooperate with their team members and how to benefit from each other. Therefore, those who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful when working in a group.(背景展开很自然，读起来也很流畅，不错）

First and foremost, accepting the criticism is an access to get improved. Only when we spontaneously and continually modify our flaws, we can become better ourselves. For example, once I was an intern in an accounting firm, I took in charge of some parts of the working paper. I spent a whole night finishing my work carefully. However, my supervisor pointed out lots of my mistakes and criticize/criticized that I did not study the working papers done previously. I felt depressed at first, but after comparing my work with those did by other experience/experienced colleagues, I found that all the criticisms were reasonable. I downloaded many examples for/from the internal website of the company and learnt/got some reference from them. When the time my internship ended, I could write a working paper considered to be more professional than before. Due to the good performance during my internship, I got a recommended letter from my supervisor and my first fulltime job offer from this company.(还是感觉很不错···好通顺，注意一些小的地方就很好了）

Furthermore, there are two results from refusing the criticism, the first one is that no one will point out your weaknesses, and the other one is that you may involve into the conflict with your group members. Neither of the two consequences is good for the group. The one who always refuses criticism will finally be isolated in the group.
It will not only be harmful to the person himself, but also damage the whole team.（说对团队的危害的时候应该展开一下,这说的太简单了，就一句话，怎么危害还没说明白） To some extent, teamwork is defined as an ability to get along with other team members. And this ability now becomes a significant factor to determine whether a person can be successful.（还有过渡句·· 实在看不出什么错误，表达的也很简练）

Admittedly, some people suggests/suggest that they must insist their opinion so that they can get success. Actually, some criticisms are unconvincing and ridiculous. But this viewpoint still cannot hold water because those situations seldom appear and cannot represent the majority. To be more precise, the benefits brought from accepting criticisms overweighs its flaws. When we disagree with the criticisms, commutation is always the best way to deal with.

To sum up, for the reasons I have given above, I hold the perspective that people who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful at working in a group. The better we collaborate with each other, the easier we can achieve success as a whole.


写的很棒~膜拜一个，咱俩观点很相似··但是我这明显没你这个表达的好。 学习了···
还摘抄了好几句
加油！！

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9.26独立写作
终于写出了个500多字的作文，但是真心用了好长时间。。。


总字数532
If someone is a student graduated from well-know university which has high reputation all over the world, such as Harvard University, if someone is an expert with lots of professional knowledge and many years’ work experience, if someone has great potential that can be obviously observe by the recruiter,  then surely they get jobs that offer both high salaries and reasonable location nearby their families and friends. In fact, most of the ordinary people must make a choice between high salary and good location. It is nature that people with different backgrounds might have diverse viewpoints on the same issue.

As to me, however, I would like to have a job offered high salary, especially when the time I have just graduated from university and have no work experience, even though I must leave my hometown to take the job. First and foremost, it is no doubt that high salaryalways accompanies the high work stress and overtime. But it is essential to learnhow to deal with pressure and how to balance life and work when we first startour career. All these experiences will force us get improved. What is more, we can accumulate the professional knowledge and valuable work experience more than those who have easy jobs. For example, I took the job offer with high salary from the company located far from my hometown, while my best friend chose the job paid few salary but built just next to the community she lives in when wegraduated from university last year. During the year, I worked overtime until ten o’clock at office nearly every day, took in charge of several small but important cases, and passed some certifications tests that related to my work.However, my best friend got off work at 4 o’clock, read newspapers and seldom wrotesome documents at work, watched soap operas every day. Absolutely, I will bemore and more competitive in the job market in the future.

Furthermore, the benefits of working in different places overweigh its flaws. With the development of new technology, many methods that enable us keep in touch with our families andfriends sprung out. For example, we can call each other in any time, chat online wherever we are, and even fly back home on weekends. But what we gain from working in diverse places cannot be even imagined by those who stay in a small life circle. One of the best advantages of working far away from hometown is that it will broad our version. My experience mentioned above can illustratethis point, too. When the time I go on business trip to another country and communicate with foreign collogues from all over the world, my friend may just gossip some affairs of movie stars.

Admittedly, some people argue that they live in a happy life because they have strong relationship with their family and friends, even though they do not have a high salaries. It is that, indeed, money cannot buy the real happiness. However, this viewpoint still could not hold water because more happiness will be found in the world outside and true friendship and family love will not fade due to the long distance.

Iszy

红色字体为有误，黄色字体为“赞”句，绿色为可改善句

If someone is a student graduated from well-know university (a well-know university) which has high reputation（has a high reputation) all over the world, such as Harvard University,(逗号是不是应该改成“；”,后同） if someone is an expert with lots of professional knowledge and many years’ work experience, if someone has great potential that can be obviously observe（被动：observed） by the recruiter,  then surely they get jobs（时态：they will/can get jobs) that offer(主语是“job",被动："are offered"或者“have") both high salaries and reasonable (^^,”satisfied“是否更妥帖呢？）location nearby their families and friends. In fact, most of the ordinary people must make a choice between high salary and good location（两者都是可数名词：high salaries and good locations). It is nature that people with different backgrounds might have diverse viewpoints on the same issue.

As to me(好像应该是"As for me"), however, I would like to have a job offered high salary (high salaries/ a high salary), especially when the time (重复，语法不对呀；后同）I have just graduated from university (名词“裸奔”了，改为the university) and have no work experience, even though I must leave my hometown to take the job.（建议与上句相连，用“in spite of leaving my hometown to take the job) First and foremost, it is no doubt that high salary always accompanies the high work stress and overtime. But it is essential to learn how to deal with pressure and how to balance life and work when we first start our career. All these experiences will force us get improved (force us into improving ourselves, ps: force sb into (sth/doing sth)). What is more, we can accumulate the professional knowledge and valuable work experience more than those who have easy jobs. For example, I took(可换不同的词，例如"chose“）the job offer （offered)with high salary ( a high salary) from the company located far from my hometown, while my best friend chose the job paid few salary (a lower salary) but built ( "job"不可能“built”，改为：whose provider is ) just next to the community she lives in when we graduated from university last year. During the year, I worked overtime until ten o’clock at office nearly every day, took in charge of several small but important cases, and passed some certifications tests that related to my work.However, my best friend got off work at 4 o’clock, read newspapers and seldom wrote(had to write) some documents at work, (and) watched soap operas every day. Absolutely, I will be more and more competitive (than my best friend) in the job market in the future.(这句有点突然,加一点不知道是不是好一些）

Furthermore,the benefits of working in different places overweigh its flaws. With the development of new technology, many methods that enable us keep （enable us to keep,"to"一定不能省） in touch with our families and friends sprung out （意思是？）. For example, we can call each other in any time, chat online wherever we are, and even fly back home on weekends. But what we gain from working in diverse places cannot be even imagined by those who stay in a small life circle. One of the best advantages of working far away from hometown is that it will broad（broaden）our version （horizon）. My experience mentioned above can illustrate this point, too. When the time I go on business trip （trip是可数名词，改为“a trip") to another country and communicate with foreign collogues (colleagues) from all over the world, my friend (friends) may just gossip some affairs of (啰嗦了）movie stars.

Admittedly, some people argue that they live in a happy lifebecause they have strong relationship （relationships) with their family and friends, even though they do not have a high salaries ( a high salary). It is that, indeed (Indeed), money cannot buy the real happiness. However,this view point still could not hold water because more happiness will be found in the world outside and true friendship (friendships) and family love will not fade due to (because of) the long distance.


总结

1、可数名词的单复数形式~~~！！！这点出的失误有点多呀~~
2、动词的“被动”要注意！
3、给的理由有重叠的地方，尤其是"Furthermore"那段：“做出的选择优点大于缺点"可以涵盖很多东西了

建议
如果一篇文章中有很多地方要表达同一个意思，表达方式可不可以多样化一点呢~~例如："took the job "

但是，总的来看，结构是清晰和完整的！^^