求助托福独立写作！！615考试！没几天了真的很急啊！

elaine0

RT 6.15就考试了，以前考过gmat，作文5.5，听别人说gmat作文ok托福也没啥问题了，所以一直在专注于其他方面。但最近用机经练了几篇，感觉很难啊

附几篇我写的被修改过的作文，希望大家帮我再指点指点。。。

第一篇：

题目Do you agree or disagree：Parents should help children to do their work or encourage children to do work independently.

Wether parent should help children to do their work or encourage them to do work independently has sparked widespread debate among parents and educators all over the world. As far as I am concerned, in most cases parents should encourage their children to depend on themselves because it can have a long-time effect on children in all aspects[到底是哪些方面呢？In all aspect是没有意义的.

Admittedly, in some certain conditions[同上, parents should help their children to do some work. For example, when children try to cook by themselves, parents need to show them how to use the stove or the knife because it’s dangerous. If children explore everything completely by their own, sometimes there may be some accidents and children will be hurt. However, if parents always do work[中式英语 for their children, the children can learn nothing but depend on others. Therefore, it’s  really important for parents to encourage children to do work independently.

First of all, encouraging children to do work by themselves is capable of teaching them the skills that are essential for them in the future. As the saying goes, give a man a fish and you can feed him for one day; teach a man to fish and you can feed him for a lifetime.[引用不错 When children try to find solutions to [solve] problems, they can develop the ability to explore in books or on the Internet, to communicate with others and so on. For instance, when I was young, my parents were very busy so they always came back home late. At first, I was afraid to stay alone and I could not take care of myself. Then I began to learn how to cook for myself, clean the room, take the bath and so on. Gradually, I can complete those works easily and I am really proud of myself.

What’s more, Independence can help children become more confident and responsible. If children have no choices but do work by themselves, then they will be motivated to learn and to take the responsibility. As the example I showed just now, at the same time when I succeeded in learning many skills, I also came to know that just believe yourself and you can finally make some achievements. Thanks to this experience, now I become a confident and optimistic girl, ready to face new challenges in my life[这个算是插入语还是定语呢，形式错误，改为, because I understand that you have to try your best and no one will pay for you[意思？.

To conclude, I claim that parents should encourage their children to depend on themselves in most suitable cases. This behaviour will help children develop useful skills, thus allowing them to be more confident and responsible. And all these things will surely benefit them for their whole lives.

文章结构比较清晰，逻辑严谨。

语言运用不够灵活，一些表达比较晦涩或者不够地道，是中文硬译的。

多学习地道英语是怎么表达的，通过大量阅读培养语感

第二篇：

题目Do you agree or disagree：Although science and technology will continue to improve, the most significant improvement for the quality of people's lives have already taken place.

With the development of technology, people’s lives have dramatically changed in many aspects. Some people may claim that although science and technology will continue to improve, the most significant improvement for the quality of people’s lives have already taken【+ place这是固定词组哦~】. However, I totally disagree with this idea. As far as I am concerned, technology will surely continueimproving【改为: to improve】 the quality of people’s lives in a more significant way in the future【观点表述较为直接明确，很不错！鼓掌~！】.

Admittedly, our lives become more convenient and comfortable as the technology develops. For example, by airplanes or trains, we can go to far places quickly【前后两句衔接不通顺，建议重新修改~！】 where we may spend several months to arrive in the past. And with computers, we can communicate easily with people from all over the world and in the past people cannot imagine that is possible. However, now there are still many problems which the current technology cannot solve. And I believe that in the future they can be solved by the advanced technology and thus people’s lives can be improved in 【+ a】 more significant way.

First of all, new breakthrough in medical science will allow people to finally eradicate some severe diseases such as cancer, AIDS and so on【这是一个不错的观点哦~！】.Although health and sanitary condition has been improved considerablyrecently【删除】 thanks to the modern medical technology such as organtransplant and genetic engineering and so on, doctors still don’t have enough ability to cure some fatal diseases. There are still numerous people are suffering cancer or AIDS in every corner of 【+ the】world. However, with the development of more mature researches and with more scholars who will engage in medical science areas,【这里建议断句~！】 I maintain that human being are【因为说的是将来，改为: will be】 capable enough of overcoming the huge obstacles in medical science in the future. Definitely such breakthroughs are significant and meaningful for human beings.

What’s more, the development of technology also brings environment degradation, which is regard as the most complex problem in modern society【这个观点有些偏离题目哦~】. For example, the number of automobiles has soared dramatically over the past 40 years which lead to the global warming. Although some scientist【乖，注意数，改为: scientists】 are involved in the research of environment-friendly vehicles, most of them still at the experiment stage and it will take a very long 【+ period】 to achieve to【删除】 mass production. Therefore, only when more environment-friendly cars are available, the tendency of global warming can be effectively restricted. I maintain that with more researches are conducted in this area, people will be able to solve this complicated problem, and will experience more wonderful life in the future.

To conclude, I totally disagree that the most significant improvement for the quality of people's lives have already taken place. With many unsolved problems, our people should continue making【改为: to make】 efforts to develop the technology and will surely improve our lives in a more significant way.

第二个论证段的主旨句不够到位，主旨句一定要跟观点紧密相连，又有较强的论证目的性~要写成既能有力论证观点又能概括本段中心大意的句子

整体来说是一片不错的作文~！

加油！