Francis菜鸟作文贴 恳请狠批

FrancisEvens

F头一次参加小分队哈~不合规矩之出烦请之出，一定改正~~

小女8.25的T，心情比较忐忑，但意志是坚定的

前两次Writing一个24一个22，这回务必冲上25。

全职实习中，回家尽量把综合也写喽

祝老朋友小朋友们信心不倒~

16 Aug
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In the past young people are more depended on their parents in making decision. Today, young people are better able to make decisions in their own lives.

As the technology develops, more and more people are bounded together through multiple ways. One of many results of this progress is that most children have a faster access to the outside world, learn to communicate earlier, and shape their mind much more like an adult. So when the time comes, young people nowadays have already get used to make decision on their own, rather than depend on parents. Apparently, I agree that young  guys  are better able to make decisions in their own lives.

First to note is that, teenagers always have personal ideas about what kind of life they want to live, why on earth they persue this dream, and how they prefer to achieve that goal. Keeping the above three answers in mind, they have a guideline or a principle to judge an action. Even other people neglect their opinion, those guys full of dream would definitely insist in the way they chose. They are able to make decisions in their own lives, because they have a true dream in heart.

Another reason, which cannot be igored, is that not only children prefer to make their own decisions, but also parents are eager to improve the living ability of boys and girls, so nothing could beat them down when grown up. As the old saying goes, the earlier you practice, the better you will become. My parents trained me to make choice when I first faced a dilema. That was the forth year of my life, and I was worrying about whether to eat a big cake or to taste a delicious fruit, since there was no place in stomack for both of them. I remember that day till now and has influenced by the experience a lot. I really appreciate my parents for pushing me, because I truly benefit from that a hundred times.

What is more, there is something I would love to share for celebrating the progress about decidion making. “If farmers and blacksmiths can win independence from an empire, if immigrants could leave behind everything they knew for a better life on our shores, if women could be dragged to jail for seeking the votes, if a generation could defeat a deression, and define greatness for all time, if a preacher could lift us to the mountaintop with his righteous dream, and if proud Americans can be who they are and boldly stand at the altar with who they love, then surely we can give everyone in the country a fair chance at that great American dream. “

Just the same as American dream, everyone’s dream is a treasure, no matter how tiny it is. I believe youg people today can make dicisions on their own because they have free minds and will persue their dream till the last day.

FrancisEvens

Aug 21   综合
TPO15
改后


The lecture apparently disputes the points illustrated in the reading material. According to the passage, the rapid multiplying of cane toad can be stoped by national fence, trapping and virus attacktion. However, none of them regard in the eye of the lecture, because those methods mention would either be ineffective or cause an uncontrollable damage.

First of all, the professor claims that many national fences would be built in areas rich of rivers. And the water would carries young cane toad as well as eggs to the other side of the fence, causing the formation of a large enough population for their reproduce. In contrast, the reading passage points out that the fence would work out as it did to reabbits, which cannot live in water. So the lecture totally disagrees with the view made in the passage.

Second, the passage demonstrateds that volunteers may be gathered to capture and destroy toads. In the lecture, the professor admits the catching possibility, but she pointed out that most volunteers are untrained and thus are not able to distinguish native frog species that are likely in danger. Thus, it may lead to a problem to the environment.

Finally, the passage raises the issue that adopting virus is also an option. The professor opposes to the writer's expecttion. He asserts that using virus would definetly lead to sever consiquences to American native creatures, because toads and other animals which carry the virus can be transported to other continents by researchers. And if the virus were transported to America, lots of native animals there are going to be devastated. This is an ecological disaster and may harm the ecosystem as every species is part of the system.

In conclusion, the point made in the lecture contracts with what is presented in the reading material.


会尽量减少些字数的   这次虽然是30min打出来，但是时间赶到不行

FrancisEvens

题外话。。每次我都会超时很多   就这样有时还是说不到点子上
因为平时都不练写作嘛，而且之前语文写作也很烂，所以很愁作文  
先做到能写出句子来  然后再掐时间。

标准半小时一般写到360字



8.20独立改后

In this environment of intense competetion, nothing has caught more attention than the problem of how to make oneself relax after a whole day work. Speaking of the method to relax, including watching a movie, reading books, and doing exercises, some scholars prefer to adopt the former two strategies, while I on the opposite insist in using exercises to gain a completely relax. It is not only because sporting can help people concentrate better, but also because it ease the body at the mean time, not to mention the selection needed if you decide to read a book.

First to note is that, doing exercises forces people to focus on the activity, and thus realeases a nervous brain more effectively. It is easy to image the situation of running, for example,  under which you cannot lose focus unless you want to get hurt. What is more, all the scenery around is pleasing and attractive. How could you ignore such a beautiful view? How could you keep thinking about anoying matters when surrounded by the lovely plants? How could you even be worried about daily paradoxes at the time of freely breathing? But when reading books, almost everyone is easily distracted by things happening arround. So the effect of relaxing through reading may not be as satisfactory as sporting is.

Another reason to exercise is that sports can also release the body just like it relax the brain. People who work in office often face the highest pressure. Standing up or taking a five minutes walk outside is apprentely a wise way to relax. Reading and watching moives, which are activities performed in sitting position, are not able to take away the tiredness of body. According to a survey conducted by University of Cambridge, 71% white-collars are being obsessed by cervical spondy losis, which is due to overtime of desk job. Sporting can perfectly solve the problem they have been worried about, relaxing their bodies at the mean time of relaxing minds. To protect the health and thus live a qualitified life, sports are ought to be popularized among staffs as a prefernce of relaxing.

Most important of all, doing excercises is more convenient to start than reading and watching movies. The reason why I claim this is that a complex filtration must be finished before you pull out a book through ocean of literary works. Considering how difficult the process would be, playing tennis seems reather comfortable for an exhausted mind.

In conclusion, I believe totally that one should do some physical activities in order to get truly relaxed. For points listed above, phisical activities can perfectly fresh the mind as well as the body and can be carried out conveniently. As a result, doing excercises is definitely a better choice.

饼干小熊

批改完毕~~

laneesherry

FrancisEvens 发表于 2013-8-20 10:40
20 Aug
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

0820 综合写作 批改

蓝色是个人意见及建议
红色是强烈建议修改的地方
黄色高亮是用的比较好的词句



In this environment of intense competetion, nothing has caught more attention than the problem of how to make oursenlves（ourselves）（不过这里不建议用ourselves这样太主观的词，可以用people代替） relax after a whole day work. Speaking of the method to relax, including watching a movie, reading books, and doing exercises, some scholars prefer to adopt the former two strategies, while I on the opposite insist in using exercises to gain a completely relax.（这句话读起来稍微有些纠结，建议换用一些简单的表达或直接断为两句） It is not only because sporting can help people concentrate better, but also because it ease the body at the mean time, not to mention the selection needed if you decide to read a book.（开头直接亮明了观点，并指出了下面要说的分论点。）

First to note is that, doing exercises forces people to focus on the activity, and thus realeases a nervus（nervus是“神经，[n]”的意思，同学想说的是“nervous”吗？）  brain more effectively. It is easy to image the situation of, for example, running under which you cannot lose the concentration（lose concentration，不过很少见这样的表达，通常是lack of concentration 或 lose focus on sth） unless you want to get hurt.（这句话读起来不是很顺，去掉“ It is easy to image the situation of”，直接take running for example 会不会更好？）What is more, all the scenery around is pleasing and attractive. How could you ignore such a beeautiful view? How could you keep thinking about anoying matters when surrounded by the lovely plants? How could you even be worried about daily paradoxes at the time of freely breathing? （连续的三个反问很有特色！）But when reading books, almost everyone is easily distracted by things happening arround. So the effect of relaxing through reading may not be as satisfactory as sporting is.

Another reason to exercise is because（is that，语法错误） sports can also release the body just like it relax the brain. People who work in office often face the highest pressure. Standing up or taking a five minutes walk outside is apprentely a wise way to relax. Reading and watching moives, which are activities performed in sitting position, are not able to take away the tiredness of body. According to a survey conducted by University of Cambridge, 71% white-collars are being obsessed by cervical spondy losis, which is due to overtime of desk job. To protect the health and thus live a qualitified life, sports are ought to be popularized among staffs as a prefernce of relaxing.（本段的主题句是运动也能够让身体得到放松，说理部分强调的却是白领们需要运动，稍微有些偏题，建议在最后这句之前加一句绕回来，比如说“运动可以完美地解决这一困扰他们的健康问题，让他们在放松心灵的时候也放松身体。”）

Most important of all, doing excercises is more convenient to start than reading and watching movies. The reason why I claim this is that a complex filtration must be finished before you pull out a book through ocean of literary works. Considering how difficult the process would be, playing tennis seems reather comfortable for an exhausted mind.（是时间不够了吗？本段支持句只有两句话，既没有具体例证也没有更深入展开。在字数比较多的情况下建议直接去掉这一段，但是如果够时间的话能够展开更好。）

In conclusion, I believe totally that one should do some physical activities in order to get truly relaxed. For points listed above, phisical activities can perfectly fresh the mind as well as the body and can be carried out conveniently. As a result, doing excercises is definitely a better choice.

整体印象：
和之前改的那篇作文比起来，同学进步了很多，主题句较为简单明了，例证相对来说也比较充实，不过在深化和围绕中心方面还有些欠缺，请继续加油！


最后说个题外话……同学每次的独立写作字数都好多啊，这些全部是在30min之内打出来的吗？膜拜！！！

FrancisEvens

Aug 21   综合
TPO15

The lecture apparently disputes the points illustrated in the reading material. According to the passage, the rapid multiplying of cane toad can be stoped by national fence, trapping and virus attacktion. However, none of them regard in the eye of the lecture, because those methods mention would either be uneffective or cause an uncontrollable damage.

First of all, the professor claims that many national fences would be built in areas rich of rivers. And the water would carries young cane toad as well as eggs to the other side of the fence, causing a large enough population for their reproduce. In contrast, the reading passage points out that the fence would work out as it did to reabbits, which cannot live in water. So the lecture totally disagrees with the view made in the passage.

Second, the passage demonstrateds that volunteers may be gathered to capture and destroy toads. In the lecture, the professor admits the catching possibility, but she pointed out that most volunteers are untrained and thus are not able to distinguish native frog species that are likely in danger. This may lead to a problem to the environment.

Finally, the passage raises the issue that virus is also an option. The professor opposes to the writer's expecttion. He asserts that using virus would definetly lead to sever consiquences to American native creatures, because toads and other animals which carry the virus can be transported to other continents by researchers. And if the virus were transported to America, lots of native animals there are going to be devastated. This is an ecological disaster and may harm the ecosystem as every species is part of the system.

In conclusion, the point made in the lecture contracts with what is presented in the reading material.

297字

FrancisEvens

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-20 21:52
^^我也是25考。。。比较没有底，你有准备一些段内论证的思路吗？能分享一下不？我这两天正在总结自己的段 ...

我只准备了整篇的结构~考虑到段内的太灵活了。。。做出来也不一定合适
觉得可以考虑这几个方面：1.观点的进一步解释
                                          2.举例论证
                                          3.假设。 如果不这么着，就会怎么怎么样。算是反面说明分论点吧
                                          4.实在不行只能乱写邻家小红小明了吧。。。
我最最怕没话说  只要没话说必然悲剧。。

xiaxiaya

FrancisEvens 发表于 2013-8-20 13:57
8.19改后

感谢xiaxia的修改还有鼓励~觉得对25号的考试更有信心了

^^我也是25考。。。比较没有底，你有准备一些段内论证的思路吗？能分享一下不？我这两天正在总结自己的段内论证思路，看看能不能找到一些固定模式，以防考试真的没话说。。还不知道怎么写下去

FrancisEvens

8.19改后

感谢xiaxia的修改还有鼓励~觉得对25号的考试更有信心了
这个话题算是我遇到的比较有话说的一个，所以不算很憋，不过段内论证确实还需要提高

反问的方式也是从CD一个朋友那里学来的，接力棒传递哈

Under the environment of tough competetion, nothing has caught more attention than the question of how to be successful amoung millions of competetors. Discussion of success sometimes leads to an argument about being unique, which may be an acceptable strategy. While some people believe that the one who stand out first would always get shot ahead of others, I insist my philosophy that one only can be successful when he is special compared to other ordinary participants, showing he could never be replaced.

First to note is that every success needs an opportunity that can offer you a platform to perform as a perfessional employee. Apparently there exists many competetors who have strong will to win the battle, but the position surely would offer olive branch to only one or two lucky men. Under this circumstances, how to make yourself outstanding is the crucial question to consider about. Thus being different, I have to mention, is the most efficient way to get attention. Just like the song Ethan Chen gave, nobody would cares unless you keep being different.

Another reason is that being success is equal to being different. It is a common sense that success happens to few people instead of most participants. How could you say the man on the top is no different to others? How could you claim he is nothing more than ordinary people? How could you believe he is successful because of factors other than being unique? Steve Jobs created Apple Coorporation and Apple brand. His accomplishment is due to the special principle and guidline of a completely new product. It would have been a tragedy as long as Steve decided to follow Microsoft's footprint rather than build his own empire. Hence according to the ratio of success, being different is all that counts to succeed.

On the other hand,  during the era of struggle, sevral times of effort would be necessary as a price for choosing normal policy. Within marketing area, there stands a theory described the relationship between unique strategy and cheap strategy used in market combat. Base on business cases from medieval till now, scholar have draw a conclusion that there are mainly two types of policies a company adopts when searching for an effecient grow. One of them is being unique, the other is being cheap on prices. Obviously, making product different is a wise method because a high revenue can be gained without sacrificing the profit. Thus success will be in hand sooner or later.

In conclusion, performing differently is extremly effective when pursuing success. For the points listed above, being different can get you an valuable opportunity, not to mention success is unique itself. What is more, creativeness can get achievements dramatically faster than anything else. Therefore I firmly believe you should not be similar to others in order to succeed.

xiaxiaya

FrancisEvens 发表于 2013-8-19 16:54
19 Aug
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

19 Aug
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In order to succeed, you should be more like others than be different from everyone else.


Under the environment of tough competetion, nothing has cought（拼写错误） more attention than the question of how to be successful amoung millions of competetors. Speaking of success ( 这个有点不地道~) sometimes leads to an argument about being unique, which may be an acceptable strategy. While some people believe that the one who stand out first would always get shot ahead of others, I insist my philosophy that one only can be successful when he is special compared to other ordinary participants, showing he could never be replaced.

First to note is that every success needs an opportunity to get achieved, (前后两句语法 有点问题，后面这个不像是句子，也不像是补语或者状语，楼主再考虑一下？)a chance that can offer you a platform to perform as a perfessional employee. Apparently there exists many competetors who have strong will to win the battle, but the position surely would show kindness to（这个搭配虽然明白楼主想写得生动一点，但是，有点别扭） only one or two lucky men. Under this circumstances, how to make yourself outstanding is the crucial question to consider about. Thus being different, I have to mention, is the most efficient way to get attention. Just like the song Ethan Chen gave, nobody would cares unless you keep being different.

Another reason is that being success is equal to being different. It is a common sense that success happens to few people instead of most participants. How could you say the man on the top is no different to others? How could you claim he is nothing more than ordinary people? How on earth（how on earth是那种带情绪的质问，用在这里可能不太恰当） could you believe he is successful because of factors other than being unique? Steve Jobs created Apple Coorporation and Apple brand. His accomplishment is due to the special principle and guidline of a completely new product. It would have been a tragedy as long as Steve decided to follow Microsoft's footfrint（拼写错误） rather than build his own empire. Hence according to the ratio of success, being different is all that counts to succeed.

On the other hand,  during the era of struggle, sevral times of effort would be necessary as a price for choosing normal policy. Within marketing area, there stands a theory described the relationship between unique strategy and cheap strategy used in market combat. Base on business cases from medieval till now, scholar have draw a conclusion that there are mainly two types of policies a company adopts when searching for an effecient grow. One of them is being unique, the other is being cheap on prices. Obviously, making product different is a wise method because a high revenue can be gained without sacrificing the profit. Thus success will be in hand sooner or later.
【这段感觉写得太好了。。！这个例子perfectly suitable to the  topic】

In conclusion, performing differently is extremly effective when pursuing success. For the points listed above, being different can get you an valuable opportunity, not to mention success is unique itself. What is more, creativeness can get achievements dramatically faster than anything else. Therefore I firmly believe you should not be similar to others in order to succeed.

总的来说，从楼主这里学到了一些很棒的例证的素材，还有一些反问排比来深化论证的技巧！收获颇多
楼主可能需要加强的就是有些时候段内论证逻辑顺序更清晰一些会更出色