mymamamiya 求狠批！

mymamamiya

今天开始 写作走起！求战友！！

zengyuruo

mymamamiya 发表于 2013-6-22 12:59
谢谢批阅啊！！
确实有很多需要改进的地方，但是我会努力，一一更正的哈~
求问一下，论证是之间举实例吧 ...

论证可以是说理 也可以是举例
千万注意不要就论点论论点，这样就不容易说服别人了
可以多用一些例子支持你的观点 基本上每个分论点最好都有一些例子作支持比较好。

mymamamiya

zengyuruo 发表于 2013-6-22 10:32
亲，我感觉是这样的哈~~
1. 首先感觉亲可能对一些固定搭配掌握的不太准确，尤其是一些介词短语。 这方面可 ...

谢谢批阅啊！！
确实有很多需要改进的地方，但是我会努力，一一更正的哈~
求问一下，论证是之间举实例吧？单纯用一段来论述也可以么？

zengyuruo

亲，我感觉是这样的哈~~
1. 首先感觉亲可能对一些固定搭配掌握的不太准确，尤其是一些介词短语。 这方面可能需要加强一些。
2. 句子表达给人感觉有点中式范儿，读起来不是很顺畅。
3. 700字有点太长了哈，另外每个分论点的论证不是很充分，感觉论据偏少。如果名言不是很精辟的话，我感觉应该少用一些，GRE的作文里就明确提出经常引用别人的话，是缺乏思考的表现。而且名言不要自己造哈，不然反倒有削弱你论证的作用。

一点拙见，请指正！

zengyuruo

06.21 Independent Writing
Young people should try several differient jobs before they decide which job or career they want to do（do career的搭配有点奇怪哈） in a long term.


"Passion is the source of the creation, and the base of development."This was said by one of the famous philosophers in China. Under scrutiny of today's job situation（好奇怪的表达。。。）, some of the young people lose their passion in their work just because of their unawareness of career interests, （两个完整的句子之间一定要有连词连接哦，亲~~）I cannot agree with the above words anymore. It is the most important（没有发现比较的语境呢，在哪个范围里最重要？） to try several different jobs before finally make a long term development plan.（这句话好奇怪，尤其是后半句，至少要加上for young people吧~主语不能在这里省略哦，不然太歧义了） This is extremely true especially for young people, who dare to face the frustration and are more energetic than people with firm income.

As more and more young people change their career objectives after graduation from university(ies), I have to say it is vital to keep a clear mind（mind是可数名词）when choosing the type of job. Consider that there is a chance to work as a programmer in an Internet company like Microsoft,(话说微软不是互联网公司哈…) （独立句子之间没有连词…）the high payment attracts you, while the burden of the work will definitely drive you crazy. Career goal adjustment, however, can release your stress(这里用relieve 或 reduce stress更好一些) and make you live in a happier life（make 或give you a happier life就行）. Thus trying a new job is a need for living better. (这句话读着有点中式表达哇，而且逻辑上并不是很站得住。Better life其实并不需要换新工作呢，所以这句话是有前提的，应该点出来~~~)

Besides, it is always early to decide the long term career goal before you tried several jobs, but not later.（愚钝了，这是啥意思？求解~） One of my high school classmates, Antina, has ever worked as a sales assistant. She chose this job just because she majored in Marketing during her study（in college）. At first she did work（worked 或者did the job） successfully since she was familiar with this area. While after a year of work, she gradually got bored on（bored with） this job after the one-year meaningless focus on goods distribution, which was not as her expected. Finally, she decided to try a totally different job, the hotel manager assistant, after careful consideration on（我查到的只有consideration for 和of） her future career plan. With great passion on（passion for） her job, she left the impressive image on（left sth in one’s head吧…） her boss's head and is promoted to be the hotel manager now. Looking at her experience, I finally understand the importance of finding my career goal regardless of the frenquency of changing jobs.

It is kind of like a paradox(it is kind of paradox,没看出来paradox在哪里呢，亲~), but sometimes, you can try several internships before you ultimately determine your career objectives instead of changing your full-time job, which means high risks. One of the famous economists, XX, has ever said that internship is one of the most valuable methods for people who are still hesitate（hesitate是动词，hesitated亲~） for their future career plan. Through different kinds of internships during the college time, one can easily involve in the company atmosphere and tell if himself（he~） likes this job or not. Meanwhile, internship is a good opportunity to save time for deciding career goals before you take the formal job.

As I said, trying several different jobs before finalize the career goal is good to build your long term career plan. In fact, it will brings you much more good than you can imagine.（bring sb good than…？）

mymamamiya

06.21 Independent Writing
Young people should try several differient jobs before they decide which job or career they want to do in a long term.


"Passion is the source of the creation, and the base of development."This was said by one of the famous philosophers in China. Under scrutiny of today's job situation,some of the young people lose their passion in their work just because of their unawareness of career interests,I cannot agree with the above words anymore. It is the most important to try several different jobs before finally make a long term development plan. This is extremely true  especially for young people,who dare to face the frustration and are more energetic than people with firm income.

As more and more young people change their career objectives after graduation from university, I have to say it is vital to keep clear mind when choosing the type of job. Consider that there is a chance to work as a programmer in an Internet company like Microsoft,the high payment attracts you, while the burden of the work will definitely drive you crazy. Career goal adjustment,however, can release your stress and make you live in a happier life. Thus trying a new job is a need for living better.

Besides, it is always early to decide the long term career goal before you tried several jobs, but not later. One of my high school classmates, Antina, has ever worked as a sales assistant. She chose this job just because she majored in Marketing during her study. At first she did work successfully since she was familiar with this area. While after a year of work, she gradually got bored on this job after the one-year meaningless focus on goods distribution, which was not as her expected. Finally, she decided to try a totally different job,the hotel manager assistant, after careful consideration on her future career plan.With great passion on her job, she left the impressive image on her boss's head and is promoted to be the hotel manager now. Looking at her experience, I finally understand the importance of finding my career goal regardless of the frenquency of changing jobs.

It is kind of like a paradox, but sometimes, you can try several internships before you ultimately determine your career objectives instead of changing your full-time job,which means high risks. One of the famous economists, XX, has ever said that internship is one of the most valuable methods for people who are still hesitate for their future career plan. Through different kinds of internships during the college time, one can easily involve in the company atmosphere and tell if himself likes this job or not. Meanwhile, internship is a good opportunity to save time for deciding career goals before you take the formal job.

As I said, trying several different jobs before finalize the career goal is good to build your long term career plan. In fact, it will brings you much more good than you can imagine.

   

mymamamiya

06.21 Integrated Writing TPO1

The reading and listening passage debate the effects of changing the option of working. The

reading passage outlines three pieces of advantages of changing the option of working a four-

day work week, which the lecturer believes it will not affect like the way as passage

mentioned.

First, whereas the reading passage suggests that shortened workweek would make more profits

than before, the lecture contends in the talk that this try may force the company spend much

more money. The company do reduce the payment on every individual, but they actually need to

put more money on workers training and medical care of their employers. Moreover, the company

may require more space and computers for extra employers, which will cost a lot of money.

Second, the lecturer verifies that changing the option of workweek will not reduce the

unemployment rate. Since the company needs to avoid higher costs, the employees choose to ask

employers to work more. They raise expectations and let employers do the same amount of work as

before,but will less salary. All these measures will decrease the pleasant degree at the same

time.

Finally, although the passage acclaims that reducing the work time will make employers

available for spending more time with family, the lecturer believes that it will actually

present the risks of the work. Reducing the work time means the decrease of job ability, which

in turn will affect their promotion and raise the possibility to lose their job. Besides, some

kind of senior job,like manager, needs employer work in the entire work week.

Overall, the lecture exactly reveals the flaws in the reading passage.