【alternative explanation】北美11~12月 JJ Argument：Town of Leeville VS. Town of Mason

麻倉枼

花了我一整天去研究怎么写这个提纲。。太心酸了。。只怪自己逻辑差。。不知道有没有写得对，不过这提纲很详细的，希望可以看看吧，之后我再写这篇作文，理由是：


我提及到的第二点好像有点问题。希望大家可以看看。。谢谢





--------------------更新 ---------------
添加了essay部分了，麻烦各位看看，谢谢

麻倉枼

顶一个

麻倉枼

我给你的提纲修改意见，不是给了三点么

-- by 会员 竹林中人 (2012/12/30 10:41:22)

3． 个案不代表全体
不知道怎么找出来的。第三点我觉得不太合适，根据这句话就好 these facts can be attributed to the health benefits of the relatively relaxed pace of life in Leeville，原因很多。不一定是这个原因。    比如小地方的人注重锻炼身体，小地方环境优良，空气很好，身体很健康，因而心情愉快，能积极面对生活和工作上的压力等等。


可是这个不是结论来的么？那个argument就出了两个facts，一个explanation，里面其实包含两个小explanation给那两个facts，这是个人觉得的格式。。所以我找不到第三个fact，第三个explanation。。
还是其实这个也算是一个fact？我总感觉这更像是一个那些facts带来的conclusion。。

竹林中人

我给你的提纲修改意见，不是给了三点么

麻倉枼

顶一个！！！！！

麻倉枼

Town of Leeville VS. Town of Masonton

(30 min 33 second, 411 words)

(自己修改后：432 words)

Workers in the small town of Leeville take fewer sick days than workers in the large city of Masonton, 50 miles away. Moreover, relative to population size, the diagnosis of stress-related illness is proportionally much lower in Leeville than in Masonton. According to the Leeville Chamber of Commerce, these facts can be attributed to the health benefits of the relatively relaxed pace of life in Leeville.

Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.















   In this argument, the author comes to the conclusion that the town of Leeville has better health benefits and more relaxed pace of life than the city of Masonton. To justify his/her conclusion, the author provides two facts to support it: (1) workers in Leeville take fewer sick days than workers in Masonton; (2) the ratio of stress-related illness is proportionally much lower in Leeville than in Masonton. Close scrutiny of each of these facts, however, I found that there are many alternative explanations，argu中用被动句式比较好，不要用I for them, which damage the credibility of the author’s conclusion.
   First of all, the author explains the first fact that geographic environment is the reason 这不是题目的本意，是你自己的概括，概括不准就失去了本意why workers has better health benefits in Leeville than in Masonton; Leeville is a small town, whereas Masonton is a big city. This fact also reveals the author’s assumption that workers who take sick days must be sick. However, this is not true. In fact, workers might take sick days for some other reasons. Perhaps they need to visit their friends, or perhaps they simply don’t want to work that much. It is even possible that the companies in the town of Leeville have stricter rules or policies that workers have more difficulties to take sick days than workers who work in the city of Masonton.  Because of these alternative explanations, the author’s explanation is skeptical, and it is reasonable to show that this fact is not related to geographic difference.
   Another fact the author provides suggests the ratio of stress-related illness between Leeville and Masonton is related to the population size. However, I found it is not convincible enough. At first, the author assumes the population size of Leeville and Masonton is the same？？. The author fails to provide enough evidence to stand out this assumption, and because of this, the explanation that this ratio is related to the population size is undermined. In addition, this fact can be explained by different kinds of causes of stress-related illness. For example, people are stressful because of their family matters这里最好具体说下家庭因素咋造成的; the level of consciousness of providing necessary medical services to cure stress-related illness in these areas is different, etc. Because of these reasons, the author’s explanation is weakened and I cannot accept it.
   In conclusion, the author fails to provide enough explanations to support his facts in the argument. The author shall explain the facts from different perspectives; it may be necessary to provide more information for the explanations I suggested above and that may make a huge difference. Without doing this, the author’s argument will not be credible enough for people to follow.
只写了两点，是不是不太充分。

-- by 会员 竹林中人 (2012/12/29 21:06:55)

那我的提纲不是只提了两点么？还有其他点？

竹林中人

Town of Leeville VS. Town of Masonton

(30 min 33 second, 411 words)

(自己修改后：432 words)

Workers in the small town of Leeville take fewer sick days than workers in the large city of Masonton, 50 miles away. Moreover, relative to population size, the diagnosis of stress-related illness is proportionally much lower in Leeville than in Masonton. According to the Leeville Chamber of Commerce, these facts can be attributed to the health benefits of the relatively relaxed pace of life in Leeville.

Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.















    In this argument, the author comes to the conclusion that the town of Leeville has better health benefits and more relaxed pace of life than the city of Masonton. To justify his/her conclusion, the author provides two facts to support it: (1) workers in Leeville take fewer sick days than workers in Masonton; (2) the ratio of stress-related illness is proportionally much lower in Leeville than in Masonton. Close scrutiny of each of these facts, however, I found that there are many alternative explanations，argu中用被动句式比较好，不要用I for them, which damage the credibility of the author’s conclusion.
    First of all, the author explains the first fact that geographic environment is the reason 这不是题目的本意，是你自己的概括，概括不准就失去了本意why workers has better health benefits in Leeville than in Masonton; Leeville is a small town, whereas Masonton is a big city. This fact also reveals the author’s assumption that workers who take sick days must be sick. However, this is not true. In fact, workers might take sick days for some other reasons. Perhaps they need to visit their friends, or perhaps they simply don’t want to work that much. It is even possible that the companies in the town of Leeville have stricter rules or policies that workers have more difficulties to take sick days than workers who work in the city of Masonton.  Because of these alternative explanations, the author’s explanation is skeptical, and it is reasonable to show that this fact is not related to geographic difference.
    Another fact the author provides suggests the ratio of stress-related illness between Leeville and Masonton is related to the population size. However, I found it is not convincible enough. At first, the author assumes the population size of Leeville and Masonton is the same？？. The author fails to provide enough evidence to stand out this assumption, and because of this, the explanation that this ratio is related to the population size is undermined. In addition, this fact can be explained by different kinds of causes of stress-related illness. For example, people are stressful because of their family matters这里最好具体说下家庭因素咋造成的; the level of consciousness of providing necessary medical services to cure stress-related illness in these areas is different, etc. Because of these reasons, the author’s explanation is weakened and I cannot accept it.
    In conclusion, the author fails to provide enough explanations to support his facts in the argument. The author shall explain the facts from different perspectives; it may be necessary to provide more information for the explanations I suggested above and that may make a huge difference. Without doing this, the author’s argument will not be credible enough for people to follow.
只写了两点，是不是不太充分。

麻倉枼

顶一个！

麻倉枼

更新之后你最好顶一下

-- by 会员 竹林中人 (2012/12/28 19:17:20)

我老早顶了，只是被其他贴覆盖了
谢谢你帮我改拉

竹林中人

更新之后你最好顶一下