呆呆蓝 AW帖[GRE作文互改小组]

呆呆蓝

第一篇文章：4 Scandals are useful because they focus our attention on problems inways that no speaker or reformer ever could.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agreeor disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sureto address the most compellingreasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.


I can partially agreewith the viewpoint stated above that scandals are of help to our society for the reason that they focusour attention on problems in way that no speaker or reformer ever afford. Theformation of my opinion are based on the considerations below.

First of all, scandals are effective to supervise governments, politicians, famousstars and some other people and institutions that are powerful or inaccessibleto be supervised. Scandals, which own some specific characteristics liketransmitting fast, having a wide influence, and cannot be cut down easily, it cantell the public truths which the boldest reformer dear not to speak. Forexample, even through victims know about the water-gate, they dare not to tellthat to the public for the threaten from Nixon government. It was because thetransmitting of that scandal that finally cause the investigation of NixonWithout the wide spreading of scandals, Nixon can not be investigated, never tosay his retirement. Another example is the China charity association, whosedealing with donations were so obscure that it was impossible to know where thedonations were used. Without the widespread scandal that originated from theWeibo, it can be unlikely that the charity association's ownership of a companywas known to the public. Therefore, Scandals helps to supervise these publicperson and associations that are necessary for well-running of our society.

However, scandals are not alwayshelpful, sometimes they would deprive some publicindividuals, especially the famous stars of their privacy. Newspapers andtelevisions need to found scoops to attract the readers and audiences. So they oftenset out journalists to follow stars. So every act of the stars will be reportedon the TV or newspapers. In this way, scandals became an annoying symptom ofthe society's amusement deeds,which hurt the feeling of individuals to pleasurethe public.

Besides, scandals are misleading attimes. It is often the case that someone set outscandals intendedly to defame others or to drive to be famous themselves. Forexample, Miss Feng and Mrs Furong, who have no special talents or any publicbasis became famous by scandals spreading on the internet. These scandals areset out intendedly to attracted the public's eyes by the brokers. However, someother scandals are very detrimental to other individuals. In 2011, a scandalthat an police official has involved in salacious activities, spreading veryfast in the internet. At that time, the official was on the corner of beingpromoted, the scandal ruined his promotion,but eventually found untrue. It wasset out by someone who he offended in an police act as a revenge .


Therefore, scandals can be both useful and harmful. So it is the public’s duty to discard thedeleterious ones and spread the informative ones. Thus scandals will be anbeneficial way to strive for the impartiality, harmony and democracy in oursociety.

noboundaries

请查阅

呆呆蓝

Argument 80, Nov. 19th

呆呆蓝

说的这几点都很中肯，切中要害，学习了~~

竹林中人

I can partially agree with the viewpointstated above that scandalsare of help to our society for the reason that they focus our attention onproblems in way that no speaker or reformer ever afford. The formation of my opinion are based on the considerations below.建议第一段最好不要这么简洁，一般来讲，开头最好能加入点背景或者自己对话题的理解。

Firstof all, scandals are effective to supervise governments, politicians,famous stars and some other people and institutions that are powerful or inaccessible（这里的or的并列是否一致？） to be supervised.Scandals, which own some specific characteristics like transmitting fast,having a wide influence, and cannot be cut down easily, it can tell the publictruths which the boldest reformer dear not to speak. For example, even throughvictims know about the water-gate, they dare not to tell that to the public forthe threat from Nixongovernment. It was because of the transmittingof that scandal that finally cause the investigation of Nixon Without the widespreading of scandals, Nixon can not be investigated, never to say hisretirement. Another example is the China charity association（Red Cross）,whose dealing with donations was soobscure that it was impossible to know where the donations were used. Withoutthe widespread scandal that originated from the Weibo, it can be unlikely thatthe charity association's ownership of a company was known to the public.Therefore, Scandals helps to supervise these public person and associationsthat are necessary for well-running of our society.

However, scandals are not always helpful; sometimes they would deprive some public individuals,especially the famous stars of their privacy. Newspapers and televisions needto found scoops to attract the readers and audiences. So they often set outjournalists to follow stars. So every act of the stars will be reported on theTV or in the newspapers.In this way, scandals became an annoying symptom of the society's amusementdeeds, which hurt the feeling of individuals to pleasure the public.

Besides,scandals are misleading at times. It is often thecase that someone set out scandals intendedly to defame others or to drive tobe famous themselves. For example, Miss Feng and Mrs Furong, who have nospecial talents or any public basis, became famous by scandals spreading on the internet. These scandalsare set out intendedly to attract the public's eyes by the brokers. However,some other scandals are very detrimental to other individuals. In 2011, ascandal that a police official hasinvolved in salacious activities, spread very fast in the internet. At that time, the official was on thecorner of being promoted, the scandal ruined his promotion, but eventuallyfound untrue. It was set out by someone who he offended in an police act as a revenge.


Therefore, scandals can be both useful and harmful. So it is the public’s duty to discard thedeleterious ones and spread the informative ones. Thus scandals will be an beneficialway to strive for the impartiality, harmony and democracy in our society.
总的来说，这篇文章的思路和内容是很不错的，语言更规范些就更好。注意的一点是，分论点之后一般不宜直接接例子，最好加一两句支撑性的语句，比如解释或者加强等。在这点上是不同于我们长写的中文议论文的，我们很多时候是写一句观点，后面写例子，用例子证明或者归纳观点，而Issue则不是证明观点，而是辅助自己前面的推理分析，是一个演绎的过程。
PS：红色是拼写方面的错误，蓝色是语法上面的错误。

呆呆蓝

谢谢dream521fang。语法是个问题，但是对思路有没有人可以给我评论一下~~

dream521fang

说明一下，一般要删除的都加括号括起来了，然后单复数修改的把动词或者be动词加了红，有些缺东西的也直接加了红加进去。
I can partially agree with the viewpoint stated above that scandals are of help to our society for the reason that they focus our attention on problems in a/the way that no speaker or reformer ever affords. The formation of my opinion is based on the considerations below.
First of all, scandals are effective to supervise governments, politicians, famous stars and some other people and institutions that are powerful or inaccessible to be supervised. Scandals, which own some specific characteristics like transmitting fast, having a wide influence, and unable to be cut down easily, it can tell the public truths which the boldest reformer dare not to speak. For example, even though victims know about the water-gate, they dare not to tell that to the public for the threat from Nixon government. It was (删去because of) the transmitting of that scandal that finally causes the investigation of Nixon Without the wide spread of scandals, Nixon can not be investigated, never to say his retirement. Another example is the China charity association, (whose dealing with donations was so obscure that it was impossible to know where the donations were used这句是不是太长了？sothat句型还加it is). Without the widespread scandals that originated from the Weibo, it is unlikely that the charity association's ownership of a company was known to the public. Therefore, Scandals helps to supervise these public persons and associations that are necessary for the well-running of our society.

However, scandals are not always helpful,andsometimes they would deprive some public individuals, especially the famous stars of their privacy. Newspapers and televisions need （删去to found，报纸和电视不会寻找吧？要么把主语改成workers of ）scoops to attract the readers and audiences. So they often set out journalists to follow stars. So every act of the stars will be reported on（ the） TVs or newspapers. In this way, scandals become an annoying symptom of the society's amusement deeds,which hurt the feelings of individuals in oder to pleasure the public.（加个in oder好理解一些吧）
Besides, scandals are misleading at times. It is often the case that someone set out scandals intentionally to defame others or to drive themselves to be famous. For example, Miss Feng and Mrs Furong, who have no special talent or any public basis， became famous by scandals spreading over the internet. These scandals are set out intentionally to attract the public's eyes by the brokers. However, some other scandals are very detrimental to other individuals. In 2011, a scandal that a police official has involved in salacious activities, spread very fast in the internet. At that time, the official was on the corner of being promoted,but the scandal ruined his promotion,which eventually found untrue. It was set out by someone who he offended in a police (act) as a revenge.
Therefore, scandals can be both useful and harmful. So it is the public’s duty to discard the deleterious ones and to spread the informative ones. Thus scandals will be a beneficial way to strive for the impartiality, harmony and democracy in our society.

基本改的是单复数，定冠词不定冠词，你的a经常用成an，注意一下。别的几乎没怎么改，我自己的逻辑结构也还不咋地，就是觉得确实咱们喜欢用it is句型，和that，which这些。我看5。5那上面写的用动名词，介词短语啥的还不错，努力用吧。自己水平也不足，只能改这些了。估计我也要写到这个话题了。加油。