Amissrosa的作文帖--中英作文底子都不好...11/24將第一次考托福 求狠批><!!!感謝各位前輩!!

amissrosa

大家好，我是昨天新加入chasedream的會員，我叫Rosa
初次使用chasedream和寫作小分隊，還在摸索板上的規則，如有做錯的地方，還請前輩原諒和糾正>"<
希望在這裡能盡一己之力，並相互鼓勵一起加油！
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按下計時器開始寫作時,有點不懂題目....原稿花了約48分鐘才寫完...!!真汗顏
下面稿子已經糾正錯字,內容和原稿也不太一樣,但還是不確定是否有符合題目@@
麻煩寫作小分隊批改了>"<  謝謝D


10/31 獨立寫作-Young people nowadays have no influence on decisions that determine the future of the society as a whole. A\D


    In the past, elder people have gotten through economy recession in 1945's, and most of them have never given up to raise the economic situation and to create a better global economy during 2000's. Nowadays, young people are experiencing another economy recession. To survive, they are forced by the environment or themselves to become mature and to stand out against the regressive society. Therefore, I believe that young generation surely has potential to influence the determination that decides the future of a society.


    First of all, never look down upon the potential of young generation. People still hold a traditional belief that the improvement of a society is count on the young generation. And that is also the reason why governments have never stopped ignoring education system for young people. Governments establish Ministry of Culture and Education to cultivate young people’s creative, multiple and practical ability because the public believe that when young people are able to make contribution to society, it is no doubt that they will influence the development of societies.


    Moreover, young people are braver in present than the young lived in a traditional society. Young generation now walks on streets to fight for their rights, such as labor right. For example, once the government decides to increase university tuition, people will soon learn lots of news reported that many student associations of social issue are gathering in front of a government building to against the policy.


    In addition, young generation of present era understands the national economic trend and rates of unemployment. To change the society and their disadvantageous situation, they know they have to learn more professional skills and experience. Hence, there are many young people decide to go back hometowns to infuse fresh energy and to firstly reform enterprises and then society after they study abroad or finish working holiday.  


     Young people have unpredictable potential to influence the society’s future and even the world. Young generation brings fresh idea that governments and the public are care about because most of them believe that young people who born in a setback environment will be stimulated to make better societies.


(words: 354)

正儿八经潜水

Thereading passage and the professor both discuss the topic of the remains ofblood vessels, red blood cells, and collagen matrix in T-rex fossils. However,the professor discords with the ideas discussed in the article. He thinks thatthose remains were disregarded（被忽视不对，可以换个说法）and then offers several reasons to oppose.


Thefirst thing mentioned in the passage is that the fossilized leg bone revealedbranching channel which left soft organic tissues and considered as the remainsof blood vessels. However, the lecturer points out the opposed idea. He（The professor）saysthat, after a creature died(creature’s death), bacteria occupy organs, including the hollow ofbones, and they left traces of moisture residue which is not relative to bloodtissue.

Seconds,the professor argues the presentation of sphere discussed in the article. Heindicates that the spheres in T-rex fossils were also discovered in otheranimals' remains; however, these animals don't have red blood cells. Besides,it might be some mineral that makes the sphere of(in the fossil of)T-rex reddish.

Thethird point in the passage is the presence of collagen. Nevertheless, thelecturer mentions that the oldest collagens were found no longer 100,000 years;that is, there is improbable that there was the collagen of T-rex because T-rexwas older than 700,000 years. Those remains of collagen may be left by othercreature, such as human skin.

Inconclusion, the professor points out three dimensions to oppose the ideas inthe passage. The professor disagrees that there are remains of blood vessels,red blood cells, and collagen matrix in T-rex fossils.

AnthonySummer

等獨立~

AnthonySummer

狠批吧!實在快失去信心了,越簡單的題目反而無法想出例子和論點,要考試了卻無法在時間內寫完五個段落,哀…last 12 days…..how can I do to improve my writing （顯擺正心態，然後一來吧！）


11.11獨立 It is more important to choose friends that have fun with than to choose friends that will help you when you need them. Please use specific details and examples to support your opinion.


It's important for people to have accompanies.Once a person learns how to speak, he or she will talk to someone else and want to establish a friendly relationship. Besides, human beings like to work together. However, what kind of friends whom people choose is an essential key that will influence one's life. In my view, I prefer to choose friends that will help me whenever I need them.

To begin with, a friend who will do me a favor whenever I need them will be willing to share. By sharing, a person can be empowered. For example, when I was a junior student in my university, I was frustrated by rumors and misunderstanding. Fortunately, there was a classmate.Kate, believed that I was a victim of those rumors and shared her experience which was similar to mine. After listened to her, I learned that （主語呢）don't be so easily and quickly to trust a person or（到這裡感覺像是高中生寫的了，句子太簡單了啊，還是背幾篇模板，零時抱佛腳吧！） I may be deceived and harmed. Her story makes me strong and confident thereafter I had never gave up rebuild a relationship with the other classmates.

Furthermore, we need to be supportedwhenever being stroked. As far as I know, friends who spend most of their timehaving fun often pretend they are too busy to help their friends who need afavor. And that is acknowledged because they only want to enjoy life rather than deal with trouble things. So far, it is obvious that people don't have to eagerly this kind of friends. Instead, we should try to acknowledge people whoare willing to help us. Because of their supports, we will have motivation and courage to resolve any kinds of problem.

Admittedly, a friend who likes to have fun can make our lives colorful. However, our lives are not always like a wonderlandwhich allows us to have fun all the time. Besides, it's more important forhuman beings to have a friend in need is a friend in deed who is also called atrue friend. （這句句子前後結構矛盾啊，感覺這次因為著急反而沒前幾次寫得好）
Moreover, most of the relationship between people in this society are based on （benefit，not profit） profit, and this relationship is so fragilethat once it can't benefit two sides of people, （Once both sides cannot take advantage from each other，eventually，their friendship will break up. 大概這個意思，因為感覺你前面寫法有些是chinglish) it is forced to stop.Therefore, I would choose and cherish a friend who is willing to spend his orher time helping me. （你一篇文章也不能說你只索取，而不貢獻吧！？這樣考官認為你人品有問題的，得分也不高，因為論點太簡單了，要麼一邊倒寫好的)

To sum up, I believe that friends who willhelp his or her friend （這句chinglish了） whenever he or she needs help are friends in need arefriends indeed （saying不是這樣表達的，起碼用”a friend in need is a friend indeed." 你不用”“ 就是語病了，那麼多verb)Besides, it is important for people to have such kind offriends who will support and stay besides them until they resolve problems.This kind of friend can also have fun because they want their friend be happy.Therefore, I will definitely choose a friend who will do me a favor when I amfrustrated.
你以後還是用word傳吧，你看字都擠在一塊了）

amissrosa

11.12 綜合 TPO24

Thereading passage and the professor both discuss the topic of the remains ofblood vessels, red blood cells, and collagen matrix in T-rex fossils. However,the professor discords with the ideas discussed in the article. He thinks thatthose remains were disregarded and then offers several reasons to oppose.


Thefirst thing mentioned in the passage is that the fossilized leg bone revealedbranching channel which left soft organic tissues and considered as the remainsof blood vessels. However, the lecturer points out the opposed idea. He saysthat after a creature died, bacteria occupy organs, including the hollow ofbones, and they left traces of moisture residue which is not relative to bloodtissue.

Seconds,the professor argues the presentation of sphere discussed in the article. Heindicates that the spheres in T-rex fossils were also discovered in otheranimals' remains; however, these animals don't have red blood cells. Besides,it might be some mineral that makes the sphere of T-rex reddish.

Thethird point in the passage is the presence of collagen. Nevertheless, thelecturer mentions that the oldest collagens were found no longer 100,000 years;that is, there is improbable that there was the collagen of T-rex because T-rexwas older than 700,000 years. Those remains of collagen may be left by othercreature, such as human skin.

Inconclusion, the professor points out three dimensions to oppose the ideas inthe passage. The professor disagrees that there are remains of blood vessels,red blood cells, and collagen matrix in T-rex fossils.

amissrosa

狠批吧!實在快失去信心了,越簡單的題目反而無法想出例子和論點,要考試了卻無法在時間內寫完五個段落,哀…last 12 days…..how can I do to improve my writing


11.11獨立 It is more important to choose friends that have fun with than to choose friends that will help you when you need them. Please use specific details and examples to support your opinion.


It's important for people to have accompanies.Once a person learns how to speak, he or she will talk to someone else and wantto establish a friendly relationship. Besides, human beings like to worktogether. However, what kind of friends whom people choose is an essential keythat will influence one's life. In my view, I prefer to choose friends thatwill help me whenever I need them.

To begin with, a friend who will do me afavor whenever I need them will be willing to share. By sharing, a person canbe empowered. For example, when I was a junior student in my university, I wasfrustrated by rumors and misunderstanding. Fortunately, there was a classmate,Kate, believed that I was a victim of those rumors and shared her experiencewhich was similar to mine. After listened to her, I learned that don't be soeasily and quickly to trust a person or I may be deceived and harmed. Her storymakes me strong and confident thereafter I had never gave up rebuild arelationship with the other classmates.

Furthermore, we need to be supportedwhenever being stroked. As far as I know, friends who spend most of their timehaving fun often pretend they are too busy to help their friends who need afavor. And that is acknowledged because they only want to enjoy life ratherthan deal with trouble things. So far, it is obviously that people don't haveto eager this kind of friends. Instead, we should try to acknowledge people whoare willing to help us. Because of their supports, we will have motivation andcourage to resolve any kinds of problem.

Admittedly, a friend who likes to have funcan makes our lives colorful. However, our lives are not always like a wonderlandwhich allows us to have fun all the time. Besides, it's more important forhuman beings to have a friend in need is a friend in deed who is also called atrue friend.
Moreover, most of the relationship betweenpeople in this society is based on profit, and this relationship is so fragilethat once it can't benefit two sides of people, it is forced to stop.Therefore, I would choose and cherish a friend who is willing to spend his orher time helping me.

To sum up, I believe that friends who willhelp his or her friend whenever he or she needs help are friends in need arefriends indeed. Besides, it is important for people to have such kind offriends who will support and stay besides them until they resolve problems.This kind of friend can also have fun because they want their friend be happy.Therefore, I will definitely choose a friend who will do me a favor when I amfrustrated.

AnthonySummer

11.9綜合 TPO 25





The reading passage and the professor both discuss the topic that the vessel excavated in Iraq was not used as electric batteries in ancient time. However, the professor discords with the ideas in the passage and offer several reasons to oppose thearticle.



In the beginning, the passage points out that there were not ( no ) evidences, such as metal wires, toprove that the vessels were used as batteries. But, the professor argues thatthe vessels were first discovered by villagers who were not professional archaeology skills (複數主語villagers 用skill）to recognize importance （important ）materials which could be the evidence of electricity and then thrown away those essential parts of thevessels. （沒講到聽力中的細節如導線之類They mightfind some wires and other electricity conductors nearby the vessels，會減分~）



Besides, thearticle states that the copper cylinders inside the jars were similar to thatof the ruins in Seleucia which were used for holding scrolls. However, thelecturer indicates that the similarity of copper cylinders between the oneinIraq and the other one in Seleucia cannot totally verify that the vessel wasuseless for electricity. Besides, there is a research showing that thecombination of copper cylinders and iron rock can be used as batteries. （原文大致是However, the professor argued that the vessel was original invented for one purpose but later it was adopted into another purpose. 你這個沒講到，漏了很多細節）



Moreover, theprofessor refutes that the absence of electricity in ancient times which isclaimed in the article. She says that the battery could produce a mild shockwhich could be regarded as invisible power in the ancient time. Besides, thebattery could be used for healing in ancient and modern medicine. （最後講錯了,是he demonstrated that the modern medical had used electricity to heal patients and release their pain. So ancient can use the electricity for same use. ）



歸納錯是個大問題哦！加油吧！

amissrosa

綜合在上上上樓囉!麻煩學長了~

AnthonySummer

等綜合~

lizchang1990

There is a reason why people have kept working so hard for a long time, which is earning money to enjoy life or to save as emergency money(建议直接用save for emergence就OK,你的表达有点累赘,还有你第一句吧,表达不是很地道哦~你前面说有个reason,都没见你后面接啥东西,直接来了which定于从句,建议补救为: The reason why ...is that they can earn money to…省略号是你正确的句子). For students, some of them have part-time jobs to save money for having fun. On the other hand, for most people who have worked for a long time, they like to save money for　the future which is full of risks. As a student, I prefer to spend money on traveling and vacations.
(真心点评:你的逻辑导入到你的perspective联系不大)

To begin with, my life philosophy (?!?!你这个表达有点困惑,有点chi-english ,你要说你信仰的哲学道理就是及时行乐么? )is enjoying life in time. Frankly speaking, I used to saving money for my future because I thought (时态错误)future is filled with (你表达成is unpredicted就OK,美语正宗说法哦,不要filled with…unknown variable). My grandfather spent his lifetime on working for providing my family a better life. He seldom joined family trip (感觉应该是trips吧)because he wanted to save money for us. After he died, I realize that I should not devote most part of my life and money to other people or unknown risks. Besides, no one, including myself, can assure that I still have chances to use the saving in the future. Therefore, I like to travel around my country in the weekend.
(例子不错,从身边事例来阐述你的观点)

Moreover,I think that it is worthy (worthy没有你的这用法,直接换worth,要不接of) to spend money on traveling because journeys can broaden my horizon. For example, once I traveled in Peng-Hu, a beautiful island, for a week. When I stood on shiny beaches and dived in wonderful sea ,this island or this trip not only impressed me its gorgeous scene but also made me realized (realize不要过去式)the reason why people keep trying hard to protect our ecological environment. (这个结尾不错)

Admittedly, we need to save some money for future because there are many unknown risks, as I mentioned, which have to be resolved by money. However, we may not have chances to resolve problems, such as fatal heart disease or car accidents, and let alone the time to enjoy in later life. Therefore, it is not necessary to hesitate for (跟你说,hesitate 没有接for的,换to )spending money on travel around the world because life is short, we should enjoy the moment when we are young and healthy.(表达手法不错,先褒奖再反驳攒钱)

To sum up, money can be used for many ways in anytime. How to spend money wisely or worthy depends on different kinds of people. Because of the life experience(直接说my experience吧), I understand the importance of enjoying life in time. Besides, personally, I like to spend time and my saving on travelling because travelling makes me relax, and that is also the reason why I choose to spend money on vacation rather than on future.(in the near future吧)

亲,你的表达存在中式表达,基本词语用法不清楚可以查查字典. 能把句子再精炼点就很好了,感觉口语化很多.
总体来说不错,继续加油!