橙za的作文贴！求各位狠拍赐教！几百年没写过作文了！

chengzaaaa

今天是此生托福作文第一写。。。
吭哧了好久写出来感觉还是非常高中生。。。太弱了！摔！
需要看起来各种资料啊！学习啊！
今天看见sdcar大神的帖子说关于read和write的关系的问题，感觉说的非常非常对。
平时太太太缺乏active reading了导致写的时候不知道要些什么也不知道要怎么写。
要read English website and articles on daily basis啊！求大家监督！
求进步！求大家狠批啊！！！

先来个今天的

10.6 独立 Your job will have more effect on your happiness than the social life does.

Aristotle said that happiness is the goal that all human beings are going for, and that they pursue happiness not for anything else, but only for its own sake. Happiness is a great deal for everyone and could be affected by various factors in life, such as the job we do, the social life we have, and the people we love. Although a job isn’t everything in life and couldn’t fully represent a person, I still believe that it has more effect on a person’s happiness than the social life does.

For starters, people who love and enjoy their jobs tend to be a lot happier than those who have a job that they hate. You can easily tell if a guy is happy by the attitude he has for work. Does he complain and whine about the assignments all the time or does he see every challenge a precious opportunity for him to practice and improve? Needless to say, the latter is happier. Whether the guy loves the job he does significantly determines his happiness in life. If he is passionate about what he does, even when there are bumps down the road, he would be more optimistic about the obstacles, have a better mood, and be happier. Social life couldn’t have this kind of effect on happiness. If a guy hates his job, and even though he has a colorful social life, he couldn’t avoid bringing his negativity about work to his social life, making social life less enjoyable. To some degree, job is more essential for and has more impact on happiness.

Moreover, job is where the money comes from and economic factors are crucial for happiness. If a family can’t afford what they want in life, there is no way that this family is feeling happiness every single day of their life. And social life couldn’t compete with the economic factors on the impact it has on happiness, because how much money a person makes could substantially influence the quality of his/her social life. With short of money, even the best social life a person could have would not bring much more happiness than it would if the person is doing great in the economic department. From this aspect, it is pretty clear that the job plays a more important role than social life does for happiness in life.

Although the job affect happiness more than social life does, it does not mean that the social life is not important and that we should care less about it. Social life is a big part of people’s life. After a long day work, no matter how we love the job we have, we should always take some time, see some friends, and relax. A workaholic with no social life couldn’t be any happier than a person who keeps a good balance between job and social life.

To sum up, job has a greater impact on happiness than social life does. But in order to better achieve happiness, it’s not enough to just discover the passion about the job, what we also need to do is to find a good balance between the job and the social life.

小问题：在文中出现a person，之后代词就得he/she这种是不是应该尽量避免？那应该如何表达更好捏。。。

chengzaaaa

木事木事~
谢谢谢！

bonnenuit

The quality of education is of great importance in every country, and governments are trying to figure out ways to get improvement. Some say that the best way to improve the quality of education is to increase teachers’ salaries. From my perspective, I do not deny this is one of the solutions, but I definitely do not think that this is the best way.

Higher salaries do not ensure higher educational quality. In my opinion, the quality of education consists of three parts: the quality of students, the quality of faculties and the learning environment. Teachers are just one part of it,（这个it最好还原成原来指代） and the other two are just as important. Increasing salaries alone and not making any improvement（not making有点怪， 我觉得换成making no improvement比较好，也和前面的increasing对应） for the other two parts do not bring about a better education. Let’s say that a college increases the teachers’ salaries, but the students there are in the bottom bunch in the country, and the college’s librarys（换成libraries of the college, 's只能用于人或活物） is so poor that students barely go there to study. Under the circumstances, higher salaries do not help much because students do not have any interests in knowledge, and even if they do, they have no good place for studying. So, we can conclude that higher salaries are not enough for improvement of education, so it surly is not the best way.

There are other ways better than raising salaries that can(我觉得改成to好） help enhance the quality of education. Making improvements on the facilities leads to a greater effect. A good environment for studying indirectly makes students study hard, because they can concentrate more, and it helps to build a better studying atmosphere（这句可以提前跟makes student hard并列）. A friend of mine who goes to a college with great learning facilities says that students there tend to study harder than they did before the facilities were renovated, and that （这个可以省略）they enjoy preparing for tests in the new library because it is quiet and has meeting rooms for group discussions. Higher salaries could not ignite students’ passion for studying like this, thus is not the best way to better education.

Admittedly, the increase of salaries could affect the quality of education from some point. Teachers with higher salaries are more motivated to teach with passion and patience. And these（另起一句话的时候这些代词一定要还原，不然指代不明） are important qualities for being a teacher. But education will be better if other methods are carried out too（at the same time).

To sum up, improving the quality of education is a big project that should take many factors into consideration. Higher salaries for teachers are not enough and are not the best way.


很抱歉 最近比较忙 也没怎么上论坛 忘记批改了 请见谅！

chengzaaaa

谢谢anthony的修改！
不过我觉得第三段第一行后面那儿还是应该用Hiring people is very costly.因为hiring people这件事儿是单数。你觉得呢？

AnthonySummer

The reading passage talks about offering employees the option to work 4 days a week and get 80% of their original salaries and the benefits from this option. The lecture, however, contradicts the standpoints made in the reading from the three perspectives that it raises: company profits, the economy as a whole, and individual employees.

The professor argues that this option would not increase company profits like the reading says. Instead, it would force companies to pay a lot more. Hiring new staffs to accomplish the same amount of work makes companies spend more money on training programs and medical cares, and the medical cares are same for those who work 4 days a week and those who work 5 days. Also, more employees mean more new offices and computers. These increased expenditures would definely cut profits, unlike what the reading said.


Second, the lecture denies the assertion in the reading that this option would benefit the country's economy as a whole. Hiring people are very costly, as the former paragraph argued. And companies are likely to expect more from the employees once they choose to take the four-day option. Bosses want their employees to finish the same amount of work regardless of the number of days they work per week. In this way, the option not only brings no additional job, but also makes jobs unpleasant.


Last but not least, the professor claims that there are risks for reducing the quality of people's life once they choose this option. Instead of offering more free time for employees to improve their quality of life, like the reading said, this option could shake job stabilities and put obstacles for people who want to advance their careers. In down economic environment, employees who work 4 days a week are more inclined to lose their jobs. And when it comes to promotions, 4-day workers have less chance to compete because the position of manager requires people to work 5 days a week to fully supervise the operation of companies.
写的不错，挑不出什么毛病！感觉可以当范列了！

chengzaaaa

橙子10.15综合TPO1
The reading passage talks about offering employees the option to work 4 days a week and get 80% of their original salaries and the benefits from this option. The lecture, however, contradicts the standpoints made in the reading from the three perspectives that it raises: company profits, economy as a whole, and individual employees.

The professor argues that this option would not increase company profits like the reading says. Instead, it would force companies to pay a lot more. Hiring new staffs to accomplish the same amount of work makes companies spend more money on training programs and medical cares, and the medical cares are same for those who work 4 days a week and those who work 5 days. Also, More employees mean more new offices and computers. These increased expenditures would definely cut profits, unlike what the reading said.

Second, the lecture denies the assertion in the reading that this option would benefit the country's economy as a whole. Hiring people is very costly, as the former paragraph argued. And companies are likely to expect more from the employees once they choose to take the four-day option.  Bosses want their employees to finish the same amount of work regardless of the number of days they work per week. In this way, the option not only brings no additional job, but also makes jobs unpleansant.

Last but not least, the professor claims that there are risks for reducing the quality of people's life once they choose this option. Instead of offering more free time for employees to improve their quality of life, like the reading said, this option could shake job stabilities and put obstacles for people who want to advance their careers. In down economic environment, employees who work 4 days a week are more inclined to lose their jobs. And when it comes to promotions, 4-day workers have less chance to compete because the position of managers require people to work 5 days a week to fully supervise the operation of companies.

chengzaaaa

谢谢anthony的批改！目标是内容丰富语言精练！加油加油~

AnthonySummer

The reading passage talks about three possible explanations for the declining populationfor yellow cedar. The insects, bears, and the climate change. However, the professor in the lecture thinks that none of them are adequate.



For the first hypothesis, the professor mentioned that healthier yellow cedars are more resistant to insects. For example, they have resistance to the poisons and chemicals that will kill the insects. The records in the reading could be explained that the beetles tended to hurt the trees that were already damaged. So the beetles are not the fundamental reason for the decline. （概括的很不错啊！）



The professor does not think that bears were the cause, either.（第一句用个复杂句吧，看看模板模仿一下整体结构）He mentioned that yellow cedars are abundant all across North America coasts, including some islands. However, there were no bears on islands, and so the declining population on the islands could not be attributed to bears. Since trees declined with or without the bears, the bears are not the real cause.（概括的很精练）



For the third hypothesis, the professor said that this theory ignored one important fact. The dead yellow cedars at lower elevations where it is warmer were actually more than those at higher elevations where it is colder. Though the fact that climate change made the tree more sensitive is valid, it does not qualify the frost as the reason for the decline.

实在挑不出毛病了，整体写的不错，如果用一个更丰富的结构概括全文会更好！加油啊！

chengzaaaa

橙子10.14独立
啊感觉写的特别恶心。。。。。。。
The best way to improve the quality of education is to increase teachers ‘salaries’.

The quality of education is of great importance in every country, and governments are trying to figure out ways to get improvement. Some say that the best way to improve the quality of education is to increase teachers’ salaries. From my perspective, I do not deny this is one of the solutions, but I definitely do not think that this is the best way.

Higher salaries do not ensure higher educational quality. In my opinion, the quality of education consists of three parts: the quality of students, the quality of faculties and the learning environment. Teachers are just one part of it, and the other two are just as important. Increasing salaries alone and not making any improvement for the other two parts do not bring about a better education. Let’s say that a college increases the teachers’ salaries, but the students there are in the bottom bunch in the country, and the college’s library s is so poor that students barely go there to study. Under the circumstances, higher salaries do not help much because students do not have any interests in knowledge, and even if they do, they have no good place for studying. So, we can conclude that higher salaries are not enough for improvement of education, so it surly is not the best way.

There are other ways better than raising salaries that can help enhance the quality of education. Making improvements on the facilities leads to a greater effect. A good environment for studying indirectly makes students study hard, because they can concentrate more, and it helps to build a better studying atmosphere. A friend of mine who goes to a college with great learning facilities says that students there tend to study harder than they did before the facilities were renovated, and that they enjoy preparing for tests in the new library because it is quiet and has meeting rooms for group discussions. Higher salaries could not ignite students’ passion for studying like this, thus is not the best way to better education.

Admittedly, the increase of salaries could affect the quality of education from some point. Teachers with higher salaries are more motivated to teach with passion and patience. And these are important qualities for being a teacher. But education will be better if other methods are carried out too.

To sum up, improving the quality of education is a big project that should take many factors into consideration. Higher salaries for teachers are not enough and are not the best way.

chengzaaaa

谢谢kiddy的修改！
总结一下我的问题：
1. 说理develop的很浅，一直在重复说。注意要develop！
2. 让步段还是要重申自己观点
3. 例子！！！！
4. 句式变化！！！！