iwbabg作文贴，一起努力写作文

iwbabg

8.22 parents should help children to do their work or encourage children to do their work independently

People always have passion on education issues. The question of whether parents should help children to do their work or let them finish their work independently is so much concerned that it arouses a wide discussion. Some people believe that it is parents' responsibility to help their children. Personally, I tend to agree with the contrary standpoint that parents should encourage children to do their work by themselves.



To begin with, working on their own enables children to obtain independent thinking ability. Let us take Steve Jobs as an example. Steve Jobs, the co-founder and executive officer of Apple Inc., was one of the most successful business men in our century. It is widely known that he dropped out of college after 6 months, for his family can’t afford the education bill. His parents do not graduate from university, thus they can not offer any help in his study. However, Jobs studied by himself and the experience taught him to think by himself instead of agreeing with others blindly. This is a valuable ability that later helped him in creating a unique corporate culture and making millions of profits when he became the leader of Apple company. He even mentioned more than once in his book about the critical value of independent thinking.



Independent thinking ability is not the only advantage that letting children work by themselves brings about. The ability of learning from one's mistakes is another one. A recent article published on the Scientific American shows that comparing with their peers, children, who are encouraged to finish their work by themselves, have more outstanding performance in academic and other aspects. According to the research, children tend to have positive attitude toward their mistakes and be brave to face their fear and overcome the difficulties in their study.



Admittedly, parents' help enable children to avoid making mistakes. However, the experiences of reviewing mistakes are more valuable than the right answers themselves.


To sum up, the advantages of allowing children independently doing their work are carry more weight than that of helping them. Thus, I believe in order to foster children's ability of independent thinking and a positive attitude towards life, parents should encourage their children to overcome the difficulties and finish the work on their own.

NmgMadman

什么分数结构啊？求分享

iwbabg

10.12考试，100分危险的飘过。再次感谢一起写作文和改作文的同学们！

jeffery2541

Movies and televisions are pervasive(good) in this society. So much that people accept them without giving any consideration to the potential effects they produced(过去时态不是很恰当) on young people's behaviors.(这句话的结构表示什么意思呢？我之前没见过，如果你确定对的话，给我讲一下哈~) Televisions may be offering information and topics. Yet, the limited positive effects can not compete with the negative influence on the young people's behavior that(that定语从句应该是想修饰influence的吧，可是这样是有歧义的，我感觉可以这样改一下：...influence that movies and television bring about on the young people's behavior) movies and television bring about, if mental and physical health is taking(taken) into consideration.

To begin with, people who hold the opinion of television offering topic for young people ignore the reality that programs are actually the very reason that(good) creates the communication problem. A recent article in the Scientific American shows that the communication issue is so common in the young generation that scientists believe that "television use disorder" should take responsibility for it. According to the research, children are indulged in watching television as long as they have time. An enormous number of programs that are offered by televisions seduce young people into paying less and less attention towards the real-life communication. Teenagers sit emotionless in front of the "magic machine" for hours mostly by themselves of course. There may be other family members around, but they tend to not engage much with them, when the television is on. It is the televisions and movies(that不能省) cause the communication issue instead of(我倾向rather than solve it，这两个词组都要求前后平行的) solving it.

To carry the discussion further(good), movies and televisions also do harm to teenagers' physical health. The number of children who wear glasses is dramatically raised combined with the popularization of watching televisions(good). Additionally, the overweight problem has become one of the top issues that teenagers(少了are) confronting. The reason is that children who can not control their behaviors wisely (少了are)prone to sacrifice fundamental and critical exercises to watching(因该是watch) television programs and movies. Moreover, when teenagers enjoy the programs, they are more likely to consume unhealthy food and soft drinks. The movie theaters also notice that and offer appealing multiple choices such as popcorn, cock cola, with no regard for(good) young people's health condition. Thus, the spoiled young generation gets the habit of unconscious(感觉应该是unconsciously) eating when watching programs and avoids regular exercises.

Last but not the least, televisions and movies would trigger(good) many other negative problems in teenagers' lives. For example, compared with students who seldom watch movies, children who are addicted to televisions,(这个who从句应该是限定性的，who前以及从句后都不用加逗号) normally have poor performance in their academic studies. And frustration and peer pressure in the real life, in turn, drive these teenagers going back to the unreal world.(good) Moreover, some teenagers even live in the world made up by televisions and can not separate the reality from the imagination. They even dream to become the Spiderman who can "fly" among skyscrapers.

To sum up, the limited advantages are overshadowed by(good) the negative results produced by televisions and movies on teenagers. Thus, I strongly suggest that parents and governments pay more attention on this issue and limit the time that children spend on televisions and movies.
总评:这篇文章写得很棒！论点很明确，不仅有两个主观点，另外还提到了其余可能的情况，分析很全面，例子也很充分。很多出的语言都相当形象生动，出彩的表达很多。唯一不足的可能就是细节了，不过瑕不掩瑜。

jeffery2541

谢谢jeffery 2541的认真修改。
时态和单复数的确有问题，自己看的时候却没有注意到。
谢谢语言多言性方面的建议，只是写的时候一紧张就顾不得了，还是不熟练的缘故。

-- by 会员 iwbabg (2012/8/24 12:20:41)

我们又要互改咯~

iwbabg

谢谢jeffery 2541的认真修改。
时态和单复数的确有问题，自己看的时候却没有注意到。
谢谢语言多言性方面的建议，只是写的时候一紧张就顾不得了，还是不熟练的缘故。

iwbabg

Movies and televisions are pervasive in this society. So much that people accept them without giving any consideration to the potential effects they produced on young people's behaviors. Televisions may be offering information and topics. Yet, the limited positive effects can not compete with the negative influence on the young people's behavior that movies and television bring about, if mental and physical health is taking into consideration.


To begin with, people who hold the opinion of television offering topic for young people ignore the reality that programs are actually the very reason that creates the communication problem. A recent article in the Scientific American shows that the communication issue is so common in the young generation that scientists believe that "television use disorder" should take responsibility for it. According to the research, children are indulged in watching television as long as they have time. An enormous number of programs that are offered by televisions seduce young people into paying less and less attention towards the real-life communication. Teenagers sit emotionless in front of the "magic machine" for hours mostly by themselves of course. There may be other family members around, but they tend to not engage much with them, when the television is on. It is the televisions and movies cause the communication issue instead of solving it.


To carry the discussion further, movies and televisions also do harm to teenagers' physical health. The number of children who wear glasses is dramatically raised combined with the popularization of watching televisions. Additionally, the overweight problem has become one of the top issues that teenagers confronting. The reason is that children who can not control their behaviors wisely prone to sacrifice fundamental and critical exercises to watching television programs and movies. Moreover, when teenagers enjoy the programs, they are more likely to consume unhealthy food and soft drinks. The movie theaters also notice that and offer appealing multiple choices such as popcorn, cock cola, with no regard for young people's health condition. Thus, the spoiled young generation gets the habit of unconscious eating when watching programs and avoids regular exercises.


Last but not the least, televisions and movies would trigger many other negative problems in teenagers' lives. For example, compared with students who seldom watch movies, children who are addicted to televisions, normally have poor performance in their academic studies. And frustration and peer pressure in the real life, in turn, drive these teenagers going back to the unreal world. Moreover, some teenagers even live in the world made up by televisions and can not separate the reality from the imagination. They even dream to become the Spiderman who can "fly" among skyscrapers.


To sum up, the limited advantages are overshadowed by the negative results produced by televisions and movies on teenagers. Thus, I strongly suggest that parents and governments pay more attention on this issue and limit the time that children spend on televisions and movies.

jeffery2541

People always have passion on education issues. The question of whether parents should help children to do their work or let them finish their work independently is so much concerned that it arouses a wide discussion. Some people believe that it is parents' responsibility to help their children. Personally, I tend to agree with the contrary standpoint that parents should encourage children to do their work by themselves.



To begin with, working on their own enables children to obtain independent thinking(如果是要表达“独立思考的能力”，那么我想这种方式可能不太合适，或许这样会正确一点：independently-thingking ability) ability. Let us take Steve Jobs as an example. Steve Jobs, the co-founder and executive officer of Apple Inc., was one of the most successful business men in our century. It is widely known that he dropped out of college after 6 months(哪个时点的6个月后呢？这样有些confusing), for his family can’t(couldn't) afford the education bill. His parents do not graduate from university(时态有些问题，另外你是想说他父母都没有上过大学吗？如果是的，我感觉可以这样表达：His parents hadn't attended university), thus they can（could） not offer any help in his study. However, Jobs studied by himself and the experience taught him to think by himself instead of agreeing with others blindly. This is a valuable ability that later helped him in（这个help in之前刚用过，可以考虑换一个，注意语言多样性） creating a unique corporate culture and making millions of profits when he became the leader of Apple company. He even mentioned more than once in his book about the critical value of independent thinking.（观点加例子，结构很好，但是例子内容略显庞大，或者最后再总结一下）



Independent thinking ability is not the only advantage that letting children work by themselves brings about. The ability of learning from one's mistakes is another one. A recent article published on the Scientific American shows that comparing（compared） with their peers, children, who are encouraged to finish their work by themselves, have more outstanding performance in academic and other aspects. According to the research, children tend to have positive attitude toward their mistakes and be brave to face their fear and overcome the difficulties in their study.（关于例子，之前有人提示我说，要贴近生活，不需要众人皆知，但也要相对真实；另外此段略显单薄）



Admittedly, parents' help enable（enables） children to avoid making mistakes. However, the experiences of reviewing mistakes are more valuable than the right answers themselves. （这句话是不是可以不用独立成段呢？）


To sum up, the advantages of allowing children independently doing their work are（are）carry more weight than that（those） of helping them. Thus, I believe in order to foster children's ability of independent thinking and a positive attitude towards life, parents should encourage their children to overcome the difficulties and finish the work on their own.


总评：整体还是挺好的文章的，其中一些词组表达很亮。段落结构也挺好的，只是两个段落都是一句陈述观点，后面一个例子，这样显得有些缺乏新意。例子中的叙述时态要注意。