Emily的作文贴~

夏之鱼语

8.11 To improve the quality of education university should spend more money on salary for professor.


The education quality is a very important factor when students choose schools. The school with high quality of education usually can attract more excellent students to take part in. But how to improve this quality? I cannot agree with the proposal of increasing teachers' salaries more.



First of all, nothing can be more attractive than high salaries to drive excellent teachers to attend the school system. It is human nature to find a job with high reward. There is an example in the city I live in. There are two famous schools in my hometown. One is named Ligong University; the other is called Yifu University. Actually, the Yifu University was more famous than Ligong and ever year they could attract much more students than Ligong. However, things changed in recently decade since Ligong rise teachers' salaries and take active actions to extend its teacher group. The result is last year when my young sister chose one of these two schools, she chose Ligong as her preference mostly because there are more famous teachers there. So you can find how employee's salaries work.



Additionally, the quality of teacher will definitely influence the teaching level in the classes and increase students' enthusiastic toward studying. You cannot deny that whether the classes is interesting and can catch students' attentions are closely related to the teacher's teaching style. When I still in the high school, one of my teachers, who taught us Chinese, was graduated from Beijing University informed about her subject. Thus most of my classmates' favorite class was Chinese.



Finally, I do not mean that schools' education can be improved only through improving teacher's salaries. The experimental equipment, the environment in the school also have significant meaning. But I think it is the quickest and most efficient way.



In a nutshell, considered the salary rising policy can both improve the quality of teachers and classes, I think it pays to raise the teachers' salaries. As you see, it kills two birds with one stone.

AnthonySummer

10.20 独立写作



Some people claim that if we have an opportunity to take a secure job, we should take it right away, while others think we should wait for a satisfying job, which do you prefer?







As the graduated season is coming, most of my classmates, who do not want to study further, have to find jobs. It is difficult to make a choice because people always want to get the best job opportunity. But who knows whether you can obtain another better offer than the one you hold right now. Facing a secure job offer, some (some 指代不清，因为这个句子中没出现其他人) would take it（这个句子中太多指代了，it指代也不清楚） immediately while others trend to persist until a satisfying one（又是指代，一句话三个） occurred. In terms of my view, I would like to choose first one（我还真不确定哪个是first one）as my preference. （第一段逻辑主语不清，考官看的会比较累）







First of all, it is undeniable that taking the secure job immediately （加个that，语法错误，和我以前一样，建议找本toefl写作语法看看） would decrease the risk. As many students compete for one job opportunity, it is difficult to say whether you can get another if you give this one up. If you can, then congratulations, but what if you cannot?（这句太口语了吧，写作可不行）Every year, thousands of hundreds of students graduated from university, the students who did not find a job at the first year （加个连词 if the students who.... then he or she）he or she graduated will be less competitive next year, which means he or she will be more difficult to find a job. (前句需要缩写）This potential risk cannot be afforded by any student.







Even without one year waiting, the later you apply for a job the more difficult for you to find opportunities. Famous Predominated companies tend to hold interviews as early as possible. After the career fair, seldom optimal job option left. One of my old friends experienced this tragedy unfortunately（删掉）. He attended a program in his university to be an exchange student with Penghu University , which located in Taiwan Island. That means he had no choice but to give up all career fairs held in mainland. When he came back in June, none job opportunities near Beijing, which his university located,（语病，which指代不清，上一句which located in Taiwan，就近指代，你这句也可指代Beijing）are available. The result is, even he was an excellent student who often got fellowships in his college,（你这一插，句子支离破碎啊,没插好） he went through a tough time to find a job. This story alarms us that it is not wise to waiting for too long.







However, I do not mean to deny the significant meaning of the first job for every student's career, especially for people who want to live a stable life without changing job frequently. Also, waiting for a satisfying offer can help students feel delighted in their working time. But as it is human nature to change their desire easily, keeping flexible attitude in the job hunting and pay more attention to obtaining ample experience is more beneficial. This helps them to take the first step into society. Through different kinds of working experience, students can get a comprehensive understanding of a certain career and thus help them make their final career choice in their life.







To summarize, taking the secure offer right now not only helps students avoid no-work risk and losing opportunities, but also help them choose their final career in their life. （主语呢？？）

楼主你用了太多指代，this ，which，建议多用从句

句子太简单,
加油吧！

夏之鱼语

Some people claim that if we have an opportunity to take a secure job, we should take it right away, while others think we should wait for a satisfying job, which do you prefer?



As the graduated season is coming, most of my classmates, who do not want to study further, have to find jobs. It is difficult to make a choice because people always want to get the best job opportunity. But who knows whether you can obtain another better offer than the one you hold right now. Facing a secure job offer, some would take it immediately while others trend to persist until a satisfying one occurred. In terms of my view, I would like to choose first one as my preference.



First of all, it is undeniable that taking the secure job immediately would decrease the risk. As many students compete for one job opportunity, it is difficult to say whether you can get another if you give this one up. If you can, then congratulations, but what if you cannot? Every year, thousands of hundreds of students graduated from university, the students who did not find a job at the first year he or she graduated will be less competitive next year, which means he or she will be more difficult to find a job. This potential risk cannot be afforded by any student.



Even without one year waiting, the later you apply for a job the more difficult for you to find opportunities. Famous Predominated companies tend to hold interviews as early as possible. After the career fair, seldom optimal job option left. One of my old friends experienced this tragedy unfortunately. He attended a program in his university to be an exchange student with Penghu University
, which located in Taiwan Island. That means he had no choice but to gave up all career fairs held in mainland. When he came back in June, none job opportunities near Beijing, which his university located, is available. The result is, even he was an excellent student who often got fellowships in his college, he went through a tough time to find a job. This story alarms us that it is not wise to waiting for too long.



However, I do not mean to deny the significant meaning of first job for every student's career, especially for people who want to live stable life without changing job frequently. Also, waiting for a satisfying offer can help students feel delighted in their working time. But as it is human nature to change their desire easily, keeping flexible attitude in the job hunting and pay more attention to obtaining ample experience is more beneficial. This helps them take the first step into society. Through different kinds of working experience, students can get comprehensive understanding of certain career and thus help them make their final career choice in their life.



To summarize, taking the secure offer right now not only helps students avoid no-work risk and losing opportunities, but also help them choose their final career in their life.

蝴蝶渡海

10.13独立

As prevalent of computers anddevelopment of communication technology, working at home has become a popularconcept recently. This kind of working concept posts a bigchallenge to traditional one. Is it really worth for office workersgiving up their offices totally? I am afraid my attitude would be negative.


First of all, advanced equipments in the office make people's work easierand more efficient, most of which is unavailable in personal house. This kindof equipments（equipment） include duplicators,projectors, and printers. For instance, my elder sister once got sick and hadto finish her work at home. She is an accountant.（这句话多余了，在前一句my elder sister as an accountant）Usually, most of her work should be type into the computer first, and thenprint it out in order to check it and finally correct it in the computer again.This process recurred until she got the accurate result. As there was no copierat home, she had to cut the print step and check it on the computer directly,which slow down her work speed（efficiency） by half. The fact that some equipments in the office cannot be afford by theordinary family limits people to work at home.（最后一句逻辑有些混乱，你前面要论证的是家里面没有这些设备，而公司有。所以公司办公更好，这句话说是因为家里承担不起而不能在家办公，虽说你前面提到了unavailable但是没提及unavailable的原因，在结尾突然来句因为资金的原因有些突兀，而且不合逻辑）


Additionally, working at home hints colleagues to communicate with eachother. As the idea ofcooperation is more and more prevailing, lacking communication can make thefinial work a bit of inconsistent. Last year I attended a competitionwriting a commercial plan. I worked with other three peoples who wereresponsible for company's management, introduction of activity, and plan forsale separately. We all trend to go to the classroom and work together in orderto ensure the consistent of contents mentioned in every section. A public placesuch as office offers employees an optimal place to communicate better, whichis the basement for concordant cooperation.（这段的论述所举的例子我感觉不是太合适，没体现出由于能communication而带来什么好处）


Finally, although working at home is more convenience, it is not worth forcompanies to lose the control of their employees. I do not mean to denyadvantages of working at home. Working at home help people to save both timeand money which used to spent on traffic. And also people are definitely feel easer（这个单词什么意思？？？） at home than at office,which is beneficial to inspire creative thinking. Nonetheless, none will denythat, if it（代词用的过多了，而且这里的it指代不明） is put into use, a higher discipline would not be cast upon thoseemployees. As it is harder for companies to supervise their employees, I do notthink it is worth. （这段后半段也有些混乱啊。）


To summarize, considered traditional working places can make people workefficiently by providing various equipments, promote cooperation in colleaguesand also play an irreplaceable role to companies' management, I do not thinkworking at home is better than at office.
总结：主要问题还是在例证的选择，两个观点和让步的选择思路不错，但是段落后半段难以强调出你的观点。继续加油！

夏之鱼语

As prevalent of computers and development of communication technology, working at home has become a popular concept recently. This kind of working concept posts a big challenge to traditional one. Is it really worth for office workers giving up their offices totally? I am afraid my attitude would be negative.


First of all, advanced equipments in the office make people's work easier and more efficient, most of which is unavailable in personal house. This kind of equipments include duplicators, projectors, and printers. For instance, my elder sister once got sick and had to finish her work at home. She is an accountant. Usually, most of her work should be type into the computer first, and then print it out in order to check it and finally correct it in the computer again. This process recurred until she got the accurate result. As there was no copier at home, she had to cut the print step and check it on the computer directly, which slow down her work speed by half. The fact that some equipments in the office cannot be afford by the ordinary family limits people to work at home.


Additionally, working at home hints colleagues to communicate with each other. As the idea of cooperation is more and more prevailing, lacking communication can make the finial work a bit of inconsistent. Last year I attended a competition writing a commercial plan. I worked with other three peoples who were responsible for company's management, introduction of activity, and plan for sale separately. We all trend to go to the classroom and work together in order to ensure the consistent of contents mentioned in every section. A public place such as office offers employees an optimal place to communicate better, which is the basement for concordant cooperation.


Finally, although working at home is more convenience, it is not worth for companies to lose the control of their employees. I do not mean to deny advantages of working at home. Working at home help people to save both time and money which used to spent on traffic. And also people are definitely feel easer at home than at office, which is beneficial to inspire creative thinking. Nonetheless, none will deny that, if it is put into use, a higher discipline would not be cast upon those employees. As it is harder for companies to supervise their employees, I do not think it is worth.


To summarize, considered traditional working places can make people work efficiently by providing various equipments, promote cooperation in colleagues and also play an irreplaceable role to companies' management, I do not think working at home is better than at office.

陈喵喵holdon

Being a leader is such a wonderful thing which means you can command others and satisfy your sense of self-center in the humans nature. Neither would it be easy nor instinctive to be a successful leader.(neither..nor..两边的结构和意义要相对一致.改为it would be neither easy nor instinctive?) To be a failed chairman losing other people’s support, however, will be quite embarrassed. So what is the most meaningful skill you should pay special attention to? Communication skill supplies my answer.
It is a commonsense that problems can be solved more efficient(efficiently) by holding a proper conversation. It saves both time and energy instead of spending to guess(感觉表达有点累赘). When I took part in a competition leading five other students from different institutions in my university, for example, one of my team members, Jane, reluctant to complete assignments I arranged to her. At the beginning, for about several weeks, I was anxious supposing whether I had did something wrong that made her hate me and used this way to show her unpleasant. After a heart to heart conservation with her I know the answer is simply that she misestimated the significant meaning to hand on her assignment in time in order to make sure the whole schedule(make sure sth.这种用法应该是错的吧.似乎只能+从句?). It seems that I have wasted the several weeks for nothing.(应该点下此处体现的communication skills的重要性)

Now, confining our scope to the situation without mistake, I would like to point out the very unpleasant result of lacking communication. Without indispensable communication，people worked under rules would feel a kind of impersonal, which is harmful to relationships between team members. For this, I would like to post an example when I was a team member. We made up a group by four students to complete the homework assigned by our English teacher. The chairman in my group always seems impatient to talk to us. After finished the assignment, I felt as strange with him as before. Then I got the knowledge that if you want to create an intimate relationship, never cut attention to your teammates. (两个都是自身的例子,有点缺乏说服力?)

Finally, although some apparent qualities might be imperative, it is no doubt true that none of them would be more important than communication skills. I do not mean to deny the necessity of other characteristics be qualified as a successful leader or politician, such as broad knowledge, special insight，ability to make quick and correct decisions. However, as the idea of cooperation is still prevailing in our society, lacking the support of team members makes all of the qualities above nonsense. So if I should only choose one as the most important， nothing will be placed in front of communication skill. (让步,good)

To summarize, as proper communication dissolve the misunderstanding efficiently, strengthen friendships and also be the basement in cooperation, I strongly recommend leaders and politicians to master this skill first.


楼主编辑的有点混乱啊.句式和词汇都很多样,但是有时候表达有点累赘.用复杂语法时注意正确性.最后的让步结构很完整.一点拙见.

夏之鱼语

The most important characteristic of a politician or a leader is the good communication skill。

It is a commonsense that problems can be solved more efficient by holding a proper conversation. It saves both time and energy instead of spending to guess. When I took part in a competition leading five other students from different institutions in my university, for example, one of my team members, Jane, reluctant to complete assignments I arranged to her. At the beginning, for about several weeks, I was anxious supposing whether I had did something wrong that made her hate me and used this way to show her unpleasant. After a heart to heart conservation with her I know the answer is simply that she misestimated the significant meaning to hand on her assignment in time in order to make sure the whole schedule. It seems that I have wasted the several weeks for nothing.



Now, confining our scope to the situation without mistake, I would like to point out the very unpleasant result of lacking communication. Without indispensable communication，people worked under rules would feel a kind of impersonal, which is harmful to relationships between team members. For this, I would like to post an example when I was a team member. We made up a group by four students to complete the homework assigned by our English teacher. The chairman in my group always seems impatient to talk to us. After finished the assignment, I felt as strange with him as before. Then I got the knowledge that if you want to create an intimate relationship, never cut attention to your teammates.



Finally, although some apparent qualities might be imperative, it is no doubt true that none of them would be more important than communication skills. I do not mean to deny the necessity of other characteristics be qualified as a successful leader or politician, such as broad knowledge, special insight，ability to make quick and correct decisions. However, as the idea of cooperation is still prevailing in our society, lacking the support of team members makes all of the qualities above nonsense. So if I should only choose one as the most important， nothing will be placed in front of communication skill.



To summarize, as proper communication dissolve the misunderstanding efficiently, strengthen friendships and also be the basement in cooperation, I strongly recommend leaders and politicians to master this skill first.

margrate

绿色代表疑问红色为改进建议黄色为论证
Our society has go through a deep change. The invention of Internet, person computer and many electric equipment, such as air condition and cell phone, have greatly change (d) people's life. However, for the statement that the most significant improvement for the quality of people's life has already happened even though science and technology will continue to improve, my attitude would be negative.
1. however的转折，前后的转折意思上是有冲突的，前一句说的是have greatly changed people’s life，题目的要求应该是significant improvement还会产生，与你however前面的意思并不起对比，要跟贴题一些；题目强调的是whether the most significant improvement has taken place;

2. negative 多偏向用“消极的”意思，你说要表达的意思是对其的否定，建议直接用I disagree/agree…,观点要明确，尽量避免歧义的产生；

First of all, I doubt the claim that improvement for the quality of people's life. You cannot deny that human society is facing a serious environment problem. The rising carbon dioxide in the atmosphere lead to climate change which we called global warming. The winter become cooler while the summer become hotter, which make the weather less comfortable for human to live. What's more, some urban even have acute air pollution and light pollution. Many people live in the city never see the beauty of our Milky Way. 这个句子中有两个谓语，可改为定于从句So I really doubt the word "improvement". In terms of my few, since it is more harder for modern people to have time and chances to get in touch with the nature, I think people's living quality have declined actually.
1. That +clause, you can change it into “of”;
Additionally, even some people point out that they do not care about the environment change; it is also difficult to make such a early conclusion. No one knows what will happen in the future. Actually, I am curious about the invention of robots in the future. They can help people to do a lot of work, which release their working pressure. So, people in the future may have more spare time than we have, which they can use to enjoy themselves. And whether we have enough time to relax is closely related to our life quality.
前后显得有些不搭调，要紧凑！
Finally, I do not mean to deny that the significant meaning of the appearance of computers. They enable us to do our work more efficient and provide many different kinds of entertainment, such as computer games, online movies and online music, which really work to improve our living quality. However, considered the super speed of the changing in computer industry, I believe there must have more surprise in the future.
that 引导的是个句子，成分要完整，主+谓+宾！
In a nutshell,taking account into the factors mentioned above, I prefer to hold more hope to the future and oppose the statement that the biggest improvement of quality if这里应该是打错了吧people's life have already occurred.

Taking account intoàconsidering就好，好像直接用considering比较多，可能是比较简洁

I prefer to hold more hope to the future这一句可以再简洁一些；

建议：在作文中尽量减少第一人称的使用，特别是I的使用，参考前人的写作经验

总体上结构比较清晰，存在一些语法和句式的错误，围绕主题的论述稍显薄弱，逻辑不够严密！要破题准确！

如果有改错的地方请联系我，我们一起改进！

夏之鱼语

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. Although science and technology will continue to improve, the most significant improvement for the quality of people's lives have already taken place



Our society has go through a deep change. The invention of Internet, person computer and many electric equipment, such as air condition and cell phone, have greatly change people's life. However, for the statement that the most significant improvement for the quality of people's life has already happened even though science and technology will continue to improve, my attitude would be negative.



First of all, I doubt the claim that improvement for the quality of people's life. You cannot deny that human society is facing a serious environment problem. The rising carbon dioxide in the atmosphere lead to climate change which we called global warming. The winter become cooler while the summer become hotter, which make the weather less comfortable for human to live. What's more, some urban even have acute air pollution and light pollution. Many people live in the city never see the beauty of our Milky Way. So I really doubt the word "improvement". In terms of my few, since it is more harder for modern people to have time and chances to get in touch with the nature, I think people's living quality have declined actually.



Additionally, even some people point out that they do not care about the environment change; it is also difficult to make such a early conclusion.No one knows what will happen in the future. Actually, I am curious about the invention of robots in the future. They can help people to do a lot of work, which release their working pressure. So, people in the future may have more spare time than we have, which they can use to enjoy themselves. And whether we have enough time to relax is closely related to our life quality.



Finally, I do not mean to deny that the significant meaning of the appearance of computers. They enable us to do our work more efficient and provide many different kinds of entertainment, such as computer games, online movies and online music, which really work to improve our living quality. However, considered the super speed of the changing in computer industry, I believe there must have more surprise in the future.



In a nutshell, taking account into the factors mentioned above, I prefer to hold more hope to the future and oppose the statement that the biggest improvement of quality if people's life have already occurred.

夏之鱼语

论点关系是这样的：
要证明money可得到quilty
  money吸引优秀老师
  优秀老师提高quality
用的是递进，不是并列。。。不知道这样行不行？