[写作小分队] Bazinga∮ 的 11 月17 日TOEFL，求大神们不要嫌弃我

jiaosisisisi

我以后要大规模练习了，请CDer 都快来帮帮我吧！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！

超级无敌小鹤鹤

你换个名字我也认识你

-- by 会员 Crystaljoy (2012/9/24 21:50:51)

咦，这只是谁？难道是小马甲》

Crystaljoy

你换个名字我也认识你

jiaosisisisi

918综合
In the lecture, the speaker states that the reasons for the decline haven’t been found , casting doubt on the main idea of the reading passage that several hypotheses lead to this decline
To begin with, the speaker makes the point that healthy yellow cedars can insect infestation. which refutes the viewpoint showed in the article that the decline may be caused by insect parasites.. According to the speaker, the powerful chemicals of yellow cedar are poisonous to insects, and the healthy cedars can suffer from the insect. This directly contradicts what the reading passage indicates.
Moreover, the author claims that the decline to brown bears.whereas the speaker views this issue in a different angle. In accordance with the speaker, there were no bears on the island,).This is another part where the speaker disagrees with the writer.
Finally, the speaker challenges the writer’s expectation again by saying that the climate is not the reason for the decline of the trees. On the contrary, the writer insists that the changes of climate lead to the decline. In order to demonstrate his/her perspective, the lecturer provides us with the evidence that more trees are disappear in the warm place.
To sum up, the contents in the reading passage are totally jeopardized by the speaker and the speaker has totally different ideas on the topics made in the reading.

safeandsound

啊啊~我错了，struggle你用的是对的、、

safeandsound

Nowadays, a majority of schools all hold at many times test,（抱歉，没太看明白、、是举行很多次考试吗？而且hold不太对啊、、） and use the marks to (do the)rank. Because so many teachers and parents hold the view that marks can encourages student to learn.（Because 不能单独使用）But most of students don’t believe that marks can inspire（不合适，还是encourage/motivate吧、、） them to study.

On the one hand ,the low grades may freeze their enthusiasm of study. For example, my desk mate Grace, who is an extremely hardworking student. She, comes（arrived） school very early to memorize(recite)English words every day. But in an exam ,she didn’t achieve a good result. And it made(was undeniably)a heavy strike to her in a certain extent(还是肯定一点好吧、、). Finally she even though she pay（paid） more efforts, she can’t(didn’t) gain a high score, and (from then on,)she never want to put in efforts(she gave up putting more efforts in study). Therefore the low grades can not only encourage students, but also(mostly) strike themas well.

On the other hand, high scores can sometimes be harmful to students.Actually, it’s potentially dangerous if a student gets top score of(receive relatively high score in) a certain subject because the students who are in high marksthey will make the judgment (have an illusion) that they no longer need improvement and keep satisfied with themselves. In other word, those who get high grades has(have)narrowed their horizons because they fail to focus onsomeone better than them. Take my friend Saikon as an example, he used to get a extremely high score , and he got a master degree. But now he just think he is the best in the school and the high scores makes(make)him feel very pride( proud ) ,and he is more and more arrogant. It obstructsthehisstep of endeavor for him. So high scores sometime isunprofitable (have negative effects) to students ,and it also didn’t work to encourage them to study( and scores always fail to encourage them to study).

Besides, in my view the most important and real sense of factor is ideality(虾米意思？),a lot of encouragement and supports from their parents, teachers and peers. Hope is the brace to support student to study ,and when they face the difficult, only the encouragement from other people can help them to overcome it. （仍旧没懂、）Marks isareimportant in some case but without ideality and encouragement from friend , teachers and parents ,（换几个词、、尽量避免此类重复）student couldn’t keep struggling（moving on）.

So generally speaking, whatever （no matter）the low or high marksstudents get ,it can’t influence student to study ,they just need ideality and encouragement. (scores cannot push students to learn. Instead, what they need are ideality and encouragement.)

话说，下次记得加链接啊

另外，语法错误和单词错误有点多、、建议看看大学四级单词书上的每个单词的用法、、同时积累一些好词好句，多看几篇范文、、网上都有、、

还有，可以尽量写一些分析和不是那么个人化的举例、、

加油！！

jiaosisisisi

Nowadays, a majority of schools all hold at many times test, and use the marks to rank. Because so many teachers and parents hold the view  that marks can encourages student to learn. But most of students don’t believe that marks can inspire them to study.

on the one hand ,the low grades may freeze their enthusiasm of study. For example, my desk mate Grace, who is an extremely hardworking student. She comes school very early to memorize English words every day. But in an exam ,she didn’t achieve a good result. And it made a heavy strike to her in a certain extent. Finally she even though she pay more efforts, she can’t gain a high score, and she never want to put in efforts. Therefore the low grads can not only encourage students, but also strike them

on the other hand, high scores can sometimes be harmful to students.
Actually, it’s potentially dangerous if a student gets top score of a certain subject because the students who are in high marks will make the judgment that they no longer need improvement and keep satisfied with themselves. In other word, those who get high grades has narrowed their horizons because they fail to focus someone better than them. Take my friend Saikon as an example, he used to get a extremely high score , and he got a master degree .but now he just think he is the best in the school and the high scores makes him feel very pride ,and he is more and more arrogant. It obstruct the step of endeavor for him. So high scores sometime is unprofitable to student ,and it also didn’t work to encourage them to study.

Besides, in my view the most important and real sense of factor is ideality ,a lot of encouragement and support from their parents, teachers and peers. Hope is the brace to support student to study ,and when they face the difficult, only the encouragement from other people can help them to overcome it. Marks is important in some case but without ideality and encouragement from friend , teachers and parents ,student couldn’t keep struggling.

So generally speaking, what ever the low or high marks ,it can’t influence student to study ,they just need ideality and encouragement.

jiaosisisisi

9.3独立
Do you agree that it is better to spend money ontraveling and vacation than save
money for the future.

总体评价：
如果没记错的话，这是你写的最认真的一篇文章吧，因为你开头，one hand，另hand，其次，最后，居然用了五段，辛苦了，哈哈哈哈～～～每个独立段落，大体结构很不错了，完全符合独立的写作思路，而且具体到每段自身的遣词造句方面，关联词的掌握很不错，尤其是在每个段落的开头上面，还有中间很多部分的平缓连接上下句上。
BUT
不过对于审题环节一定不能脱离了题目的focus，文章意思是
钱的两种用途意义在哪里，你的大意是：讲旅游好。
不过你最后一段还是很不错的，精简，而且又扣回了题目，我觉得你的中间段落
应该学习最后一段，每一段的结尾都回视下到底，本段的论点跟全文的论点是什么关系，如何支撑或者如何反驳，这样你的就可以紧扣主题了。

How do you want to spend your summer vacation?
(全文的对比第一层意思是A和B  跟 C的比较，不能把B扔掉了，最好还是提一下吧)
(而且仔细分析文章的中心意思，其实不是简单地对比A和B  与C 之间的比较，
而是说当你花钱时候 你愿意把钱放到A和B呢？ 还是把钱攒起来去C）
因此文章一定不能脱离 spend money
我建议第一句可以这样开始：
What do you usually deal with your pocket money? Some people says that they always feel crazy about the satisfaction after spending their money on traveling all over the country or doing shopping during the two vacations. Other people bla bla bla .As far as I am concerned, I prefer to use my money to have a indelible experience.

Somebody says they (如果这里用they ，那么首句最好对应一下，用some people )just want play the computer, surf the internet, do a part time job and stay at home to save money for new iphone or fashionable dress. As far as I am concerned, I prefer to use my money to have a indelible experience.

总结：你第一段的逻辑是：你如何度过暑假呢？有人玩电脑，有人上网，有人攒钱买爱凤姐，
而就我所言，我喜欢花钱来换取一个美妙的经历。你前面说的是如何过假期，后面说的是如何花钱。
我写的意思是，你平常如何处置零花钱，有人觉得花钱去旅游或者假期购物很爽，有人觉得攒钱很不错，而我认为应该用钱来换取难忘的经历。

In my view, on the one hand, absenting on a tour can enrich knowledge and expend oneself （这里需要一个形容词，one's 即可）horizons. （这里可以加一句Take me as an example,凑个字数挺不错，而且转换更加平缓）When I was（一定记得给可数名词前面加A/an/the，这里加a就可以了） junior student ,I wasn’t good at history. But the experience in xian changed me .xian , the eternal city ,record the great changes of Chinese nation just like a lining history book. I can study the long history of China by visiting the museum and monuments. The history of books isn’t easy to remember, but I was very impressed by learning cultural objects. So sometime traveling can make me get more get more knowledge than reading books.

On the other hand, traveling can bring back many happy memories and make your wonderful life unparalleled. In my personal opinion the most important factor is that traveling can allow you to form new friendships. Now the International Youth Hostel（单复数IYH has swept） sweep the world. Some teenagers like to travel alone, and they also don’t have many money. The youth hostel is a best choice. In there you（你的很多口语论述和作文都会提及you，我认为你如果是在论证一个观点就最好，站到外面，来观看they，最好多用第三人称代词，而不是模拟一个面对面的说教场面，一直用you，这和你的文章立足点感觉很不和谐,我不知道我表达的是否足够清楚，不过我觉得不能一会儿you ，一会儿说the people can，让人感觉你的谈论对象一直在变）can make friends with people who are from all over the world. In addition, you can make new local friends too on your trip. If we just stay at home, you would only have loneliness.

Furthermore, working long time will bring pressure, and it will lead to reduce efficiency of work. But the most important is that it is bad for your health. Traveling can make you get in touch with nature. Several studies now show that even a limited dose of the natural, such as a chance to look at the outside world through a window, is good for one’s health. So it's important to take some time to connect with nature by traveling. After all, money can buy medicaments, but can not buy health. So take your money to travel.

Generally speaking, the time went fast and we never know what happens in the future. Maybe tomorrow is the end of the world. So it is better to spend money on traveling than save money for further.

最后希望，小LEEK，加油，你会攻克TOEFL的，你是最棒的～～～

beiyezi

我放附件里了，看着方便

jiaosisisisi

9.3独立
Do you agree that it is better to spend money ontraveling and vacation than save
money for the future.  
How do you want to spend your summer vacation? Somebody says they just want play the computer, surf the internet, do a part time job and stay at home to save money for new iphone or fashionable dress. As far as I am concerned, I prefer to use my money to have a indelible experience.
In my view, on the one hand, absenting on a tour can enrich knowledge and expend oneself horizons. When I was junior student ,I wasn’t good at history. But the experience in xian changed me .xian , the eternal city ,record the great changes of Chinese nation just like a lining history book. I can study the long history of china by visiting the museum and monuments. The history of books isn’t easy to remember,      but I was very impressed by learning cultural objects. So sometime traveling can make me get more get more knowledge than reading books.
On the other hand, traveling can bring back many happy memories and make your wonderful life unparalleled. In my personal opinion the most important factor is that traveling can allow you to form new friendships. Now the International Youth Hostel sweep the world. Some teenagers like to travel alone, and they also don’t have many money. The youth hostel is a best choice. In there you can make friends with people who are from all over the world. In addition, you can make new local friends too on your trip. If we just stay at home, you would only have loneliness.
Furthermore, working long time will bring pressure, and it will lead to reduce efficiency of work. But the most important is that it is bad for your health. Traveling can make you get in touch with nature. Several studies now show that even a limited dose of the natural, such as a chance to look at the outside world through a window, is good for one’s health. So it's important to take some time to connect with nature by traveling. After all, money can buy medicaments, but can not buy health. So take your money to travel.
Generally speaking, the time went fast and we never know what happens in the future. Maybe tomorrow is the end of the world. So it is better to spend money on traveling than save money for further.