弱弱的我从今天开始要发奋写作文啦！

linwa小默

考了三次了，都是作文一直很烂，拖后腿，所以这次下定决心啦，我不信我拿不下你--托福作文！！



希望各位论坛的兄弟姐妹互相帮忙啦！
多多指教，严厉拍砖，我一定虚心接受！

kchszy061ban

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

China's 5,000 years traditional culture has taught every generation that be polite is a crucial merit. These days, a increasing number of young people are less interesting in this, thus it is essential for individuals to protect and pass on（pass on from one to another?） it for our generations.  In my perspective, though never be impolite to anyone sounds a little absolute, we are sure to insist on this tradition for enough reasons as presented bellow.

To begin with, politeness as a traditional virtue should be inherit and carry forward. It is the main melody throughout every child's memory. When I was a little girl, my parents alway taught me how to be polite to classmates, to parents, and to the elders. I remembered in heart and brought into effect. Finally, it worked extremely sound. Everyone consider me as a well-behaved girl and spoke highly of me. At school, teachers and classmates liked me very much; at home, parents and relatives were pride of me. I really learned a lot and spent a happy childhood thanks to politeness. Thus, individuals should spare no efforts to implement this virtue.(不错，例子和论点都很好)

Furthermore, always be（其实这里感觉用being好些） polite is a wiser approach when dealing with some tasks than lose temper because it can solve problem peacefully and win respect. During a transaction, an unreasonable customer quarreled with my mother, the owner of a mink-cloth shop, in order to return a cloth without a convincing ground. No matter how rude the consumer was, my mother still explained the rule of returning goods patiently and politely. After two hours' negotiation, this story had a happy ending that this consumer turned out to respect my mother for her polite and sincere attitude. Unexpectedly, this customer even brought in her friends to purchase goods later. In short, the end of being impolite is undoubtedly internecine, which if done with politeness, the result might bring a surprise.

Admittedly, in reality, there may be some hateful people and things that make us blundering and irritable. However, I firmly believe that if you are polite to the world, it would be polite to you as well, just like you smile to mirror, people in the mirror will smile to you. So, why not choose a friendly way to face difficulties and problems（前面没有提到这一点，所以换成the world or the society, 来保持逻辑上的连贯？）?

In a nutshell, according the above-mentioned reasons, I reinforce my standpoint that people should never be impolite to another people.

不错，不错额。

上善若水1018

"Birds of a feather flock together"(我的人生永远学不会使用谚语 - -！), the crucial criterion when people selectfriends（ofchoosing friends） concerns same interests, common hobbies, or similar values, which ensure one to getalong with others well（这个论证怪怪的。在我看来，大部分情况下人们之所以成为朋友，是由于共同爱好等自然而然聚在一起的，而不是设定了一个什么样的标准去select）. Girls, especially, even unbosom theirselves（themselves） to each other. Therefore,I claim（believe，agree什么的都比claim要合适） that we, indeed, can （ we can indeed ）know a lot about a person through his/herfriends for several reasons as presentedbelow.


To begin with, from the superficial level, wecan know one's personal preference through the types of friends this personhas. Such as what's the person's favouritefood; which movie he/she likes most; what kind of sports he/she prefers. （第一句话说我们可以通过某个人朋友的类型了解这个人，接下来你应该说朋友的类型。或者你可以说，通过了解某人朋友喜爱的食物，电影，运动，可以推测出这个人也喜欢类似的东西）Take myself as an example,（用冒号) Ialways go to KTV with my college classmates on weekends. We know each otherquite well. During one gathering, I was occupied by some work, so I came to theKTV half an hour later. When I arrived there, unexpectedly, my buddies had already ordered my favourite potato chips and my adept songs.  I believe that no one knows my preferencebetter than my best friends do. Absolutely, everyone may have the same feelingin this case. （感觉后面这个例子跟你第一句话的论点没什么关系。你的例子是指你的朋友很了解你。而论点是如何通过你的朋友了解你。）


What's more, were(when?) you eager tounderstand one (someone) deeply, starting with his/her friends, definitely, wouldbe the best choice （it would be the best choice to start from…）. Since friends have experienced many things together, nomatter success or failure, they have seen the most realistic part of each other. Thus, friends know a person's characteristics well: indifficulties, he/she is optimistic or negative; in success, is modest orarrogant; in quarrel, ispatient or unreasonable.
(这里帮你分了下段)Besides,people can know a person from what types of friends he/she has. A type ofvolunteer friends might indicate a person loves volunteer activities and isenthusiastic; a type of band friends mightmean a person likes rock music and is somewhat rebel. My roommate, Meng meng, rich as she is, she still has many needy friends. Therefore, I consider she has a high-mindedness.


In conclusion, to know a person well from himself/herself is difficult (句式问题 it is difficult to ….), for he/she might disguise self, mightunwillingness(be unwilling) to talk about the past. However, people couldknow these things from his/her friends easily and objectively. Accordingly(accordingly倾向于“相应的”还是用therefore，thus，hence更加合适), Imaintain my view （maintain了什么要指出来，that只是修饰）that we can know a personwell from his/her friends.
作为书面语，尽量避免what’s， it’s, can’t这种缩写，要写成 what is， it is， cannot. 有些龟毛的老外很在乎这些的。
句式需要改进，感觉都是拼凑出来的单词和句子。基础薄弱了些。
另外不要为了秀词汇量而用高级词汇。感觉很突兀。就好比一个一身地摊货的卖菜大婶，手上非戴个一克拉的钻戒，你看了会觉得舒服么？
整体感觉有些跑题。题目是你是否可以通过一个人的朋友的类型来了解这个人。你全文都放在了朋友之间是如何了解彼此的。这个题目本来就比较难写。保佑考试的时候别遇到吧。

linwa小默

8.10 独立：Some people say we should never be impolite to another person. Do you agree or disagree?

China's 5,000 years traditional culture has taught every generation that be polite is a crucial merit. These days, a increasing number of young people are less interesting in this, thus it is essential for individuals to protect and pass on it for our generations.  In my perspective, though never be impolite to anyone sounds a little absolute, we are sure to insist on this tradition for enough reasons as presented bellow.

To begin with, politeness as a traditional virtue should be inherit and carry forward. It is the main melody throughout every child's memory. When I was a little girl, my parents alway taught me how to be polite to classmates, to parents, and to the elders. I remembered in heart and brought into effect. Finally, it worked extremely sound. Everyone consider me as a well-behaved girl and spoke highly of me. At school, teachers and classmates liked me very much; at home, parents and relatives were pride of me. I really learned a lot and spent a happy childhood thanks to politeness. Thus, individuals should spare no efforts to implement this virtue.

Furthermore, always be polite is a wiser approach when dealing with some tasks than lose temper because it can solve problem peacefully and win respect. During a transaction, an unreasonable customer quarreled with my mother, the owner of a mink-cloth shop, in order to return a cloth without a convincing ground. No matter how rude the consumer was, my mother still explained the rule of returning goods patiently and politely. After two hours' negotiation, this story had a happy ending that this consumer turned out to respect my mother for her polite and sincere attitude. Unexpectedly, this customer even brought in her friends to purchase goods later. In short, the end of being impolite is undoubtedly internecine, which if done with politeness, the result might bring a surprise.

Admittedly, in reality, there may be some hateful people and things that make us blundering and irritable. However, I firmly believe that if you are polite to the world, it would be polite to you as well, just like you smile to mirror, people in the mirror will smile to you. So, why not choose a friendly way to face difficulties and problems?

In a nutshell, according the above-mentioned reasons, I reinforce my standpoint that people should never be impolite to another people.

linwa小默

亲。我今天帮你改。。虽然有点晚，但也算是补偿吧  不好意思啊  一直没看见

linwa小默

[8.9独立]You can know a lot about a person through the types of friends this person has



"Birds of a feather flock together", the crucial criterion when people select friends concerns same interests, common hobbies, or similar values, which ensure one to get along with others well. Girls, especially, even unbosom theirselves to each other. Therefore, I claim that we, indeed, can know a lot about a person through his/her friends for several reasons as presented below.


To begin with, from the superficial level, we can know one's personal preference through the types of friends this person has. Such as what's the person's favourite food; which movie he/she likes most; what kind of sports he/she prefers. Take myself as an example, I always go to KTV with my college classmates on weekends. We know each other quite well. During one gathering, I was occupied by some work, so I came to the KTV half an hour later. When I arrived there, unexpectedly, my buddies had already ordered my favourite potato chips and my adept songs. I believe that no one knows my preference better than my best friends do. Absolutely, everyone may have the same feeling in this case.


What's more, were you eager to understand one deeply, starting with his/her friends, definitely, would be the best choice. Since friends have experienced many things together, no matter success or failure, they have seen the most realistic part of each other. Thus, friends know a person's characteristics well: in difficulties, he/she is optimistic or negative; in success, is modest or arrogant; in quarrel, is patient or unreasonable. Besides, people can know a person from what types of friends he/she has. A type of volunteer friends might indicate a person loves volunteer activities and is enthusiastic; a type of band friends might mean a person likes rock music and is somewhat rebel. My roommate, Meng meng, rich as she is, she still has many needy friends. Therefore, I consider she has a high-mindedness.


In conclusion, to know a person well from himself/herself is difficult, for he/she might disguise self, might unwillingness to talk about the past. However, people could know these things from his/her friends easily and objectively. Accordingly, I maintain that we can know a person well from his/her friends.

Vance1991

麻烦楼主帮我改一下我的8月1号的独立作文~.3Q

linwa小默

Vance1991  谢谢谢谢~ 虚心受教！！下次一定至少避免你今天说到的这些问题！

Vance1991

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误
Have you ever(been) embarrassed with a misunderstanding of text messages because lack of emotion? Have you ever came across the situation that sent several texts but cannot explain your idea clearly? Have you ever gone through a dilemma that being(being应该不需要吧...) when you wanna express your love to a girl? If you have never had such experience(experiences), you will never draw a conclusion that which approach is better when you discuss something upsetting or controversial(补with others). With all aspects carefully considered, in my view, I would like to say this is an integrate problem which should be determined on different situations.

Firstly, when people approach to the issue of love, especially with break-up, e-mail or text messages is(are) more suitable. Since this affair is quite subtle and will lead sound strong emotion(emotional) fluctuation, e-mail or text messages may help individuals to express their feelings clearly and accurately. The phenomenon that break-up text severs(这个是神马单词?理解不了,你想说service么?) as (补an) excellent example in this case. People prefer to send text message when they need(need break-up有点怪怪的...want是不是会更好点...) to break up with someone for in this way people would not (补have/delete to)to face the true emotion of the person you(前面既然讲people, 是不是用they会更好点) might(might用的不合适吧,had可能会更好点) hart(hurt), and would not be softhearted. Although it is some kind merciless, this way is the(delete the) better to deal with break-up affairs.(楼主的这个例子好残忍啊...T.T)

Furthermore, if you have to deal with the complaints of a customer about your product, telephone or voice-messaging is undoubtedly(把undoubtedly变成插入语吧,不然is + undoubtedly 看上去不爽啊) the priority choice. As is known to all, the service and the attitude is(are) always the first concern(s) of customers. Good after-sale service equals more customers. （30分钟我只写到了这里- -）When a customer complains about a product, he will find it (补is) easy to receive a patient, kind, enthusiasm service and finally solve his problem through voice communication, which, if done with written communication, might take a longer time and less effect(is less effective). Therefore, voice communication is favorable to solve complains sincerely.

Last but not least, undeniably, voice or written communication has its own merits: voice communication is easier to distinguish the emotion of the speakers and (补is) more efficient; written communication can express ideas more accurate(ly) and proper(ly). The one and only criterion to decide which approach is more suitable when dealing with upsetting or controversial problems is case-by-case. Thereby, it is by no means comprehensive to say whether e-mail or text message is better than telephone or voice message, people are sure to use these ways on situations and even combine each other in certain conditions.(lastbut not least 是和firstly, furthermore配对的.用在中间段举例说明的时候.不可以当做结尾段来使用.建议楼主把这段分成两段写;在the one前面换行.)


文章的结构很清晰,除了最后一段...论证也ok
楼主的词汇不够优美,不够丰富.要注意一下.
有些句子感觉awkward不是很nature.

linwa小默

楼主写的很不错了。

发现楼主所有中文注释都是在自我批评。。【虽然这点和我神似】

其实大可不必要。 看看那些美国畅销书，里面的语句也都很平常。

我们没必要完美主义。
坚持练习。
改正大错误 ：比如 拼写 小语法错误 比较明显的CHINGLISH 还有观点不明确等

就已经很好啦 加油-。- 【嗯，我在写这篇写不动时跳出来刷论坛了。。】

-- by 会员 guoyang88 (2012/8/1 19:06:40)

我们一起加油啦～ 嘿嘿  谢谢你的鼓励啦