『写作小分队』求各位大神轰炸，板砖，不吝赐教～

hjl80959

每天至少一篇，才买的新键盘打字比较慢，同时借鉴hans同学的作文，希望大神看完他的再来指导指导我的，谢谢啦，板砖飞起来，希望25天后，由牛C到牛B。

hjl80959

8.17 独立
What is the most important characteristic of an excellent leader should own? No one seems to identify. Obviously, many characters play essential roles in leadership extraordinarily, such as responsibility, confidence and authority, but value of each characteristic is difficult for us to weigh. Therefore, after careful contemplation, I, needless to say, the ability to take responsibility for mistake can not be regarded as the most significant one.


First all, on no account can we ignore the importance of confidence of leaders. When a leader shows confident in himself, along with the fellowships, it is more likely to aggrandize the motivation of the whole team. Due a survey in the Proceedings of National Academies of Sciences, scientists conclude that leaders ‘energetic confidence in their fellow members has contributions to increasing efficiency of team by 50 percent. Consequently, in daily work, in order to keep high efficiency, the characteristic, paid attention most by leader, is the confidence for his team.


In addition, the ability to equip members with strong executive force is inevitable. "You will learn more about a road by traveling it than by consulting all maps in the world," how often can we hear such words like these.What a pity is that members of a team, enable to spark various fantastic ideas, are unable to work them out. When a leader comes with this problem, what he need do is to design working plan and arrange tasks to each members as soon as possible.After thousands of experiments, Edison finally invented the bulb. Without practice, large amount of amazing ideas are only remained in our mind and fade out as time flies. Hence, the more powerful authority a leader possesses the easier for the team to realize their plan and succeed.


Admittedly, there is no denying that that responsibility is extremely necessary for a leader. To take a piece of news as an example, the product of a big corporation existed several quality problems. The consumers typically requested the corporation to give them some explanation. Since the leader of the corporation apologized for their mistakes and made some promises, the corporation finally avoided bankrupt and built up market confidence again. No one can blind to the effect of responsibility for acknowledging mistakes.


In a nutshell, granted the responsibility’s advantage presented to us, I have to emphasize the importance of confidence and authority of the leader.

GWinner

8.16独立
精彩错误修改提议综合
Concomitant with the development of the society by leaps and bounds, [这里写的好有诗意~赞一个]the new generation, indeed, encounters more and more opportunities day by day. Furthermore, considering the strong support from their families, people tend to assert that it is much easier for them to achieve success. However, accounting for the fierce competition and fast-changing technology, I, needless to say, it is hard for them to succeed. [这里插入语用的好强...不知道这样断句是否可行呢?把谓语分出来了的说> <?...]


First of all, as old saying goes: we are able to look farther as we stand on the shoulder of giants. Undeniably, our parents can offer us ample experience about how to handle the relationship with other, how to learn efficiently[这里的并列结构感觉好像少了一个似的...about A, B, and C要不就about A and B...我强迫症了]. Nevertheless, although we can learn some valuable knowledge from the elder directly, our old generation still has difficulty to catch up with rapid steps of [+个modern会不会更好?~]society. Take my father as an example. My major is computer science. I always operate the computer to help me copy some problems.[这句话的语意是?...] Nonetheless, when I confront with thorny issues, even my father's major is closely related with mine, he is only proficient in the traditional solution and seldom gets touch with computer, let alone give me a hand. Hence, our parents barely offer us constructive suggestions in our major that they has been extremely unfamiliar with.


In addition, the fiercer competition between corporations, the more demanding the requirement the corporations set.[这句话乍一看我还以为是竞争越强,公司要的人越多...感觉没有表达出公司的要求越高哈...demanding这个词有点问题....the higher the standard enterprises will set能表达你想表达的意思么?] Obviously, that fact is that graduates need [+to]grasp more superior abilities to stand out from the crowed. My brother participated in the interview of Google. After five interviews with the boss, he finally got the offer. He presented to boss his outstanding ability- skilled in establishing website, composing program and enable to communicate[保持排比句式一致communicatiing]with foreigners frequently. However, several years ago, what interviewee need is that degree of university[is only a degree of university是不是能更强调点?]. There is no doubt that requirement for us becomes more rigorous.
[感觉这段和family的联系不大...是不是应该扯点family来弥补一下逻辑上的GAP哈? 比如接着你的话来讲: 现在社会竞争变强了, 这个属于family可以help范围之外的困难, 所以不能说easier to success...你看加上这句话会不会好一点?]


Admittedly, our parents can exploit relationship [make use of their social networking]to help us find a good job. In China, it is widely accepted in public. Nonetheless, I must emphasize of the important of the self-quality. What to sustain our career is our ability[强调一下 别太平淡哈: we should use our own ability instead of our parents' to sustain our career.]. On no account can we ignore it. [其实前两句话可以合成一句哈(我有合并句子综合症): on no account can we deny that we should use our own ability......]In this way, parents can back us to find way to success, but we should reach success on [+our] own foot.


Granted the persuasive reasons presents[presented] above, the elder scarcely impart us specific experience and we have to improve our own quality to meet the demanding request from companies, [increasingly higher standard set by employers]as a result, it hard for us to success.[这....还是加上比较和限制神马的吧....这句话有点狠]

整齐的五段式~感觉第三段的逻辑还需要再往主题上拉拉 其他的都OK~

感觉LZ的用词比较高级 词汇量小的人表示鸭梨很大> <...有些词汇不知道能不能这么用 LZ也要斟酌哈 一定要保证用上的都是自己确定熟悉的词汇和搭配 以免出现用了高级词汇 却出现语法错误的尴尬~

另外感觉有些零散的句子可以注意合并一下 弄成从句的形式 这样长短句穿插 文章会更漂亮~建议LZ可以背背一些好词好句神马的 用用可以添彩哈

加油~

hjl80959

8.16独立
       Concomitant with the development of the society by leaps and bounds, the new generation, indeed, encounters more and more opportunities day by day. Furthermore, considering the strong support from their families, people tend to assert that it is much easier for them to achieve success. However, accounting for the fierce competition and fast-changing technology, I, needless to say, it is hard for them to succeed.


First of all, as old saying goes: we are able to look farther as we stand on the shoulder of giants. Undeniably, our parents can offer us ample experience about how to handle the relationship with other, how to learn efficiently. Nevertheless, although we can learn some valuable knowledge from the elder directly, our old generation still has difficulty to catch up with rapid steps of society. Take my father as an example. My major is computer science. I always operate the computer to help me copy some problems. Nonetheless, when I confront with thorny issues, even my father's major is closely related with mine, he is only proficient in the traditional solution and seldom gets touch with computer, let alone give me a hand. Hence, our parents barely offer us constructive suggestions in our major that they has been extremely unfamiliar with.


In addition, the fiercer competition between corporations, the more demanding the requirement the corporations set. Obviously, that fact is that graduates need grasp more superior abilities to stand out from the crowed. My brother participated in the interview of Google. After five interviews with the boss, he finally got the offer. He presented to boss his outstanding ability- skilled in establishing website, composing program and enable to communicate with foreigners frequently. However, several years ago, what interviewee need is that degree of university. There is no doubt that requirement for us becomes more rigorous.


Admittedly, our parents can exploit relationship to help us find a good job. In China, it is widely accepted in public. Nonetheless, I must emphasize of the important of the self-quality. What to sustain our career is our ability. On no account can we ignore it. In this way, parents can back us to find way to success, but we should reach success on own foot.


Granted the persuasive reasons presents above, the elder scarcely impart us specific experience and we have to improve our own quality to meet the demanding request from companies, as a result, it hard for us to success.

gre呀gre

8.14 独立Coincident with the development of society by leaps and bounds, thetechnology exceptionally made a great progress-- we have the washing machinesto help us wash dirty clothes; we have the lamp to illuminate our room; we havethe car to bring us more convenience if(我觉得改成rather than on foot 更好吧) we go on foot.Thanks to the fantastic proliferating of technology, our life quality hasreached to a new level. However, people in an increasing number hold the viewthat the most significant improvement has been（take place不能被动）taken place. From my prospective, I, after careful contemplation, refute thisstatement.

  Firstof all, a large amount of fierce diseases are still left in the world, whichhas been confusing our lives for decades. Image that AID（是AIDS啦- -）, SARAS, even the obesity bring sometrouble to our life（lives）. Howcan we announce confidently that our life has made the most significantimprovement? For example, the staffs, which are often sedentary during theworking time, have to face with the spine cervical problems, along with theobesity. Moreover, （an）increasing number ofpeople, in Africa, are（is） suffering from the tortures of AIDS. There is no doubt that if thetechnology has completely eliminated these fatal diseases, we hardlyacknowledge the great improvement of life has been made.
          In addition, undeniably, some advanced technology, which we can predict,has not been utilized in our daily life. Nothing can be more popular thanartificial technology in modern society. Take the robot as an example; even thesupercomputer called deep blue defeated the chess champion. Nevertheless, thelevel of robots now stays at the experimental process. It cannot help us write（do更好啊）homework as well as cook dishes. In other words, the technology that we eagerlylook forward to has not been applied to our life, let alone to（with） improve（improved） our life.
         Admittedly, men in the prehistory may feel content when they were ableto building（build） stone houses as a storm shelter. On no account can they predictthat they can eat hamburgers or travel to other planets by spaceship. As an oldsaying goes: history always has an astonishing similar（similarity）. Million（millions of） years later, their offsprings have thesimilar feeling-content. Obviously, more unbelievable products and inventionswill occur in the future.
         Granted the persuasive reasons above, I feel obliged to maintain thetechnology has too many surprises to present to us as to improve our life andhandle recent thorny problems.

chasedreamabc

The lecture is taking about the subject in a painting is not a full-length portrait of Austen, which refutes the passage thoroughly.

开头有点问题，虽然比较简洁，但是建议可以试试模版，使文章更加丰满。

Firstly, the passage explains（建议改成asserts） that Austen' family gave permission to use the portrait as illusion in an edition, so it was a portrait of the author. On the contrary, the lecture reckons that the portrait was authorized 70 years after Austen' death, and most of the relatives did not应该少词了what Austen looked like. This point directly contradicts what the passage take about.

Secondly, the passage argues that the face in the portrait clearly resembled the one in Cassandra's sketch who was her（建议her改成Austen’s ） sister, especially eyebrows, noses, mouth and overall shape of the face. However, the speaker suggests that there were a lot of family members among which contained many girls at the similar age with Austen. In this case, the portrait might be an illustration of her relatives. This is another point where the listening goes against.(感觉listening的部分说的太少了)

Thirdly, the passage consider（+s） the style of the unsigned painting linked to painter that was hired by the Austen' family. This is fairly against the fact that the canvas under painting begun to be sold when the Austen had been older than the teenager in the painting. （最后一段感觉要点表达的不是很好，给一个example,用以参考As the professor shows, the canvas of the portrait is not match the time period of Austen. It seems the William did not sell this kind of canvas when Austen was supposed to be a teenage.）

Granted three reasons above, the passage is unpersuasive.

hjl80959

8.15独立
Have you ever made mistakes? Have you ever been afraid of the punishment after making mistakes? Have you ever lied to your parents to avoid the punishment? If you have the similar experience like me, needless to say, majority of people will agree on the statement that parents should allow their children to make mistakes, as well as learn from their mistakes.

First of all, commonly, parents are always inclined to put punishment to admonish children of making mistakes, which is likely to have a bad influence on children.Smart as children are, they would rather lie to parents rather than acknowledge mistakes. Obviously, children will slip into a habit of telling lies as soon as they have done something wrong. Consequently, this habit takes a toll on children' collective growth.According to the Proceedings of National Academy of Sciences, that injurious influence on their childhood is closely related to their future life. This group of children may escape responsibility in their future jobs and be less loyal to the corporation. Hence, there is no doubt that parents should allow their children to make mistakes.


In addition, as an old saying goes: learning from the mistakes is a shortcut to the success. The mistake is like a mirror that tends to reflect shortcoming of people. Take me as an example. What confused a lot was that when I begun to write IBT compositions, I always typed wrong words and made some stupid grammar mistakes. However, after reviewing the mistake made in the past, I learnt an efficient pattern about how to type words quickly and composed a satisfactory composition. That is to say, by digging the valuable points out of mistakes,mistakes will act like a beacon to illuminate our way to success.


Admittedly, there is no denying that during the whole life of people, everyone must make mistakes. Faced with the situation, the positive attitude is extremely important. Instead of escaping from problems that mistakes bring to us, so brave are we to copy with them, and then learn from them. It not only develops our confidence in ourselves but also accumulates priceless treasure.


Granted that reasons presented above, on no account shall we ignore that the advantages such determination exerts on us, parents should allow children to make mistake so that they will gain confidence, ability, alongwith the previous quality-honesty.

hjl80959

8.14 综合
The lecture is taking about the subject in a painting is not a full-length portrait of Austen, which refutes the passage thoroughly.
Firstly, the passage explains that Austen' family gave permission to use the portrait as illusion in an edition, so it was a portrait of the author. On the contrary, the lecture reckons that the portrait was authorized 70 years after Austen' death, and most of the relatives did not what Austen looked like. This point directly contradicts what the passage take about.
Secondly, the passage argues that the face in the portrait clearly resembled the one in Cassandra's sketch who was her sister, especially eyebrows, noses, mouth and overall shape of the face. However, the speaker suggests that there were a lot of family members among which contained many girls at the similar age with Austen. In this case, the portrait might be an illustration of her relatives. This is another point where the listening goes against.
Thirdly, the passage consider the style of the unsigned painting linked to painter that was hired by the Austen' family. This is fairly against the fact that the canvas under painting begun to be sold when the Austen had been older than the teenager in the painting.
Granted three reasons above, the passage is unpersuasive.

gre呀gre

8.13 独立Coincident with the fantastic developmentof the human society, along with the fast-changing technology, the world istypically becoming smaller and smaller. Due to this amazing situation, theevent happening thousands of miles away seems to occur around us. However, eventhe information brought from other countries is more accessible, some peoplestill hold that（hold后面不能直接加that，最好加上view） events around the world do not affectour lift(笔误，lives). Allowing for influence ofthese events on the security our country, future of human beings, as well asourselves, I maintain that events do affect our life.


First of all, What（what）Chinese people are most concerned with（我觉得most放到这里更好）is the problem of the South China Sea. If the public are regarding the problemas nonsense, it will totally be a great mistake. This confliction with othercountries around the South Sea is not only about the territorial debate butalso （加上about）the nature resource. Image that theastonishing price of domestic oil will decrease rapidly since our countrystarts to exploit abundant oil under the sea. Moreover, the great compensationwill be made for our national economy so that government will pay more funds toeducation, medical security and infrastructures.Judging from these aspects, ourlife is fairly associated with the South Sea. 额额额，政治话题最好不要出现在托福中啊，因为南海的问题在国际上其实是有争议的，最好不要写这样的话题啊，但是一些确认的东西可以写，比如反法西斯的胜利是个好东西什么的，还有宗教和军事最好都不要涉及~

In addition, what people are most concernedwith is the curiosity rover（Curiosity Rover）,which has launched on the Mars. Also, people in an increasing number questionthe significance of the plan for exploring the Mars. The fact is that ascondition of the earth deteriorates day by day, human beings must take effortsto discovery（discover） a new home to root in, and we areeager to find the aliens so as to exchange the advanced technology with them.Considering promising future of the human beings, it is obvious that spaceexploration is inevitable and has an enormous influence on our future life.

Finally, the London Olympic Games has justperfectly finished, people are still immersed in the exciting atmosphere. Atthe same time, many questions are left by（我觉得换成behind更好）athletes in the events. What is the limitation of the human being?Whether Boltcan run faster? No one can deny that during the past century, the record ofOlympic has been broken again and again, as a result, the level of human beingsenhances gradually. Consequently, more teenagers, who have been affected by thespirit of the Olympic, are devoted to the sport exercise and the sale of thesports shop is booming simultaneously. Needless to say, the events influence uspotentially.

Grant（To grant） thepopular reasons presents above, the events around world, indeed, affect theseveral aspects of us------life condition, future, and life style.
写的挺好的，但是感觉有点偏题啊，这个题问的是，了解世界上发生的事不会影响我们的生活，我觉得否定应该否定在了解上啊，就是不了解世界上正在发生的事也不会影响到我们的生活，不知道我对题目理解的对不对，文章只是说出来了事会影响，但是没有说了解会影响，不知道是不是我理解题目理解的不对，求讨论！

hjl80959

8.14
Coincident with the development of society by leaps and bounds, the technology exceptionally made a great progress-- we have the washing machines to help us wash dirty clothes; we have the lamp to illuminate our room; we have the car to bring us more convenience if we go on foot. Thanks to the fantastic proliferating of technology, our life quality has reached to a new level. However, people in an increasing number hold the view that the most significant improvement has been taken place. From my prospective, I, after careful contemplation, refute this statement.
             First of all, a large amount of fierce diseases are still left in the world, which has been confusing our lives for decades. Image that AID, SARAS, even the obesity bring some trouble to our life. How can we announce confidently that our life has made the most significant improvement? For example, the staffs, which are often sedentary during the working time, have to face with the spine cervical problems, along with the obesity. Moreover, increasing number of people, in Africa, are suffering from the tortures of AIDS. There is no doubt that if the technology has completely eliminated these fatal diseases, we hardly acknowledge the great improvement of life has been made.
            In addition, undeniably, some advanced technology, which we can predict, has not been utilized in our daily life. Nothing can be more popular than artificial technology in modern society. Take the robot as an example; even the supercomputer called deep blue defeated the chess champion. Nevertheless, the level of robots now stays at the experimental process. It cannot help us write homework as well as cook dishes. In other words, the technology that we eagerly look forward to has not been applied to our life, let alone to improve our life.
           Admittedly, men in the prehistory may feel content when they were able to building stone houses as a storm shelter. On no account can they predict that they can eat hamburgers or travel to other planets by spaceship. As an old saying goes: history always has an astonishing similar. Million years later, their offsprings have the similar feeling-content. Obviously, more unbelievable products and inventions will occur in the future.
           Granted the persuasive reasons above, I feel obliged to maintain the technology has too many surprises to present to us as to improve our life and handle recent thorny problems.