写作第二小分队 srafcatt 的作文

srafcatt

考试日期：2012年9月8日
目标分数：写作29+
我的誓言：超人的付出才有超人的成绩，阅读与写作并行。

DanielleZ

In my opinion, parents should encourage children to do school workindependently because of the following three aspects:（第一段这样写太过于单薄了）

Primarily, it is meaningfulto cultivate a child's spirit of independence. Because the sense to do thingsindependently will not only build a healthy personality, but also help childrento adapt to the society and run on their own careers with more ease. Manyfamous figures such as tend to do things by themselves, especially MichaelJackson. I've heard that most of Michael's songs and the melodies accompanywith the songs are wrote in person（可以表达为自己写的意思么？）. Moreover, during everyshows' rehearsal Michael always participated in the designing of thebackgrounds, the lights movement, the choreographs, etc（个人建议用and so on之类的代替，最好不要用etc）. And by doing this, he even create a new style of dance. So, it's notsurprised why he was called "THE KING OF THE POP".（我觉得Jackson的例子比较新颖，但是有点感觉不是那么紧密，感觉实在说independent对career的好处，但是跟题目离得比较远。我认为可以加上”Jackson said that his parents always encourage him tofinish his own schoolwork since he was only six”之类这种，更好一些）

Secondly, parents shouldencourage their children to do homework independently doesn't mean theyshouldn't help. In some cases, problems make children confused but without a teachernearby to ask. In this situation, some hints or tips from parents will make things easier to get throughand help children to build up confidence to think further .For example,my little brother's English is poor, and that makes him hate English and don'twant to study anything about it. Fortunately, his mother was an English teacherand she teach him how to review the tests and how to find the answers of theschool works from the test book. Finally, my little brother find his self-esteem andbecomes interested with（in） English.

Although help in some cases helps a lot（help重复的太多了，可以改成类似的句子assistances are of great importance in some cases）, too much help will makes the school worksuseless. The school works are a way(单复数形式不搭配) to go over the knowledge having（had） been taught, it is(这的单复数也与school works不同) a practice to sharp the children's studying skills. Whereas, many parentstend to be biased by their love of their children, which would sometimes make them(指代是parents 还是children 有点不明确) neglect the importance ofpracticing. There are sayings says(that) Genuine knowledge always comes from practice. If parentsreplace children to finish the tasks, then the children themselves will losethe chances to perfect their studying skills.

Broadly speaking, Parentsshould try their best to let children face the difficult things from the schoolworks by themselves. Because every parents they want(个人觉得wish好一些) their children having sharp studyingskills and being more independent.

Dear Srafcatt,不好意思，晚啦~
文章的开头过于单薄了，肯定还需要多说一些。
另外，理由1和3是咱正，2则说了一个特殊情况。但是2写在中间的位置的话，感觉文章的思维比较混乱。所以我觉得以后写的时候，可以先把理由写个位置，这样逻辑会更清楚一些。
涂黄是我觉得非常好的句子，另外有几个小错误也在文章中标出来啦~
还有，我的作文晚到啦，不好意思要麻烦帮我修改我的作文啦~链接如下~http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-727156-4-1.html

瓜瓜不瓜

7.1 综合阅读 tpo16

红色为错误 蓝色为建议 绿色为内容上的不足 紫色为总评
The reading passage explores the issue of archaeological artifacts （of后面怎么接了一个完整句？ 改——此处插入：, which）now face with a series of problems. The professor’s lecture deals with the same issue.(这句写在这里感觉没有什么太多的意义，反而显得模板化，建议去掉） However, she（若上一句去掉的话，就把she改成professor） thinks that things sounds（单复数错误，sound） not that bad, which contradicts what the reading states. And in the lecture, she uses three specific points to support her idea.

First, even though the reading passage suggests that the artifacts will be lost（时态错误，看文章就知道讨论的是过去） due to the construction program（+s）, the professor argues in the lecture that there are a（单复数错误） guide line which says that sites can（规定，一般用should） be examined first by archaeologists to see if it is valuable.,（两个标点符号出现，低级错误额）which means if the sites is interested in specialists, （改成句号）Obviously, the professor’s argument disproves its counterpart in the reading.

Moreover, despite the statement in the reading that archaeologists' research financial fund is inadequate, the professor contends that this origins of the fund can be useful. Then she supports this point with the fact that the money comes from both the government and the games. In other words,the contribution will be held.（这一段要点听错了。。资金不再是政府提供而是建筑公司提供，这段srafcatt重新听一遍再写吧，瓜瓜不知道要怎么改了。。）

Finally, the professor asserts that the work will be paid and a significance whereas the author of the reading claims that it is difficult to have a career in archaeology. The professor proves that the work will （依然是时态问题）be paid and this claim is indefensible by pointing out that （that后面呢？忘记写了么？这段写的太简短了，只表达了论点，没有展现论据）

In conclusion, the professor clearly identifies the weaknesses in the reading passage and convincingly shows that the central argument in the reading is incorrect.


srafcatt，不知道怎么称呼好呢？第一次过招，瓜瓜批得有点严厉，莫见怪哈

文章的小错误有点多，其实都是自己检查可以发现的，以后写完最好自己检查一遍哦，真正考试的时候一般也有时间给你扫一遍检查的。
综合其实就是一八股文，你用的模板还是和我的是同一个哈，这个没有关系，只要用的好，不要太有模版感觉就行。
还有就是听力方面要加强哦，第二段再去听一遍吧，还有第三段最好也补充一下。
嗯，一起加油哦！

对啦，对我的迟到表示对不起！！！！

DanielleZ

7月1日Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Rather than help their children do schoolwork, parents should encourage their children do work independently. Do you agree or disagree?



思路：赞成独立做

1.培养独立做事的精神很重要

2.鼓励独立并非是否定帮助的必要性。

3.帮助孩子做作业会让作业本身失去意义。

结论：要独立做。

In my opinion,parents should encourage children to do school work independently because of the following three aspects:

Primarily,It is meaningful to cultivate a child's spirit of independence.Because the sense to do things independently will not only build a healthy personality, but also help children to adapt to the society and run on their own careers with more ease.Many famous figures such as tend to do things by themselves,especially Michael Jackson.I've heard that most of Michael's songs and the melodies accompany with the songs are wrote in person.Moreover,during every shows' rehearsal Michael always participated in the designing of the backgrounds,the lights movement, the choreographs,etc.And by doing this, he even create a new style of dance.So,it's not surprised why he was called "THE KING OF THE POP".

Secondly,parents should encourage their children to do homework independently doesn't mean they shouldn't help.In some cases,problems make children confused but without a teacher nearby to ask.In this situation, some hints or tips from parents will make things easier to get through and help children to build up confidence to think further .For example, my little brother's English is poor,and that makes him hate English and don't want to study anything about it.Fortunately,his mother was an English teacher and she teach him how to review the tests and how to find the answers of the school works from the test book.Finally, my little brother find his self-esteem and becomes interested with English.

Although help in some cases helps a lot, too much help will makes the school works useless.The school works are a way to go over the knowledge having been taught,it is a practice to sharp the children's studying skills.Whereas,many parents tend to be biased by their love of their children which would sometimes make them neglect the importance of practicing.There are sayings says Genuine knowledge always comes from practice.If parents replace children to finish the tasks, then the children themselves will lose the chances to perfect their studying skills.

Broadly speaking,Parents should try their best to let children face the difficult things from the school works by themselves.Because every parents they want their children having sharp studying skills and being more independent.

-- by 会员 srafcatt (2012/7/1 18:04:01)

我的作文写好了，亲~我马上修改你的文章哈~

瓜瓜不瓜

srafcatt, 我30号的综合明天交，见谅啦！写完来给你汇报

srafcatt

 The reading passage explores the issue of archaeological artifacts now face with a series of problems.  The professor’s lecture deals with the same issue. However, she thinks that things sounds not that bad, which contradicts what the reading states. And in the lecture, she uses three specific points to support her idea.
  First, even though the reading passage suggests that the artifacts will be lost due to the construction program, the professor argues in the lecture that there are a guide line which says that sites can be examined first by archaeologists to see if it is valuable.,which means if the sites is interested in specialists, Obviously, the professor’s argument disproves its counterpart in the reading.
  Moreover, despite the statement in the reading that archaeologists' research financial fund is inadequate, the professor contends that this origins of the fund can be useful. Then she supports this point with the fact that the money comes from both the government and the games. In other words,the contribution will be held.
  Finally, the professor asserts that the work will be paid and a significance whereas the author of the reading claims that it is difficult to have a career in archaeology. The professor proves that the work will be paid and  this claim is indefensible by pointing out that
  In conclusion, the professor clearly identifies the weaknesses in the reading passage and convincingly shows that the central argument in the reading is incorrect.

srafcatt

7月1日Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Rather than help their children do schoolwork, parents should encourage their children do work independently. Do you agree or disagree?



思路：赞成独立做

1.培养独立做事的精神很重要

2.鼓励独立并非是否定帮助的必要性。

3.帮助孩子做作业会让作业本身失去意义。

结论：要独立做。

In my opinion,parents should encourage children to do school work independently because of the following three aspects:

Primarily,It is meaningful to cultivate a child's spirit of independence.Because the sense to do things independently will not only build a healthy personality, but also help children to adapt to the society and run on their own careers with more ease.Many famous figures such as tend to do things by themselves,especially Michael Jackson.I've heard that most of Michael's songs and the melodies accompany with the songs are wrote in person.Moreover,during every shows' rehearsal Michael always participated in the designing of the backgrounds,the lights movement, the choreographs,etc.And by doing this, he even create a new style of dance.So,it's not surprised why he was called "THE KING OF THE POP".

Secondly,parents should encourage their children to do homework independently doesn't mean they shouldn't help.In some cases,problems make children confused but without a teacher nearby to ask.In this situation, some hints or tips from parents will make things easier to get through and help children to build up confidence to think further .For example, my little brother's English is poor,and that makes him hate English and don't want to study anything about it.Fortunately,his mother was an English teacher and she teach him how to review the tests and how to find the answers of the school works from the test book.Finally, my little brother find his self-esteem and becomes interested with English.

Although help in some cases helps a lot, too much help will makes the school works useless.The school works are a way to go over the knowledge having been taught,it is a practice to sharp the children's studying skills.Whereas,many parents tend to be biased by their love of their children which would sometimes make them neglect the importance of practicing.There are sayings says Genuine knowledge always comes from practice.If parents replace children to finish the tasks, then the children themselves will lose the chances to perfect their studying skills.

Broadly speaking,Parents should try their best to let children face the difficult things from the school works by themselves.Because every parents they want their children having sharp studying skills and being more independent.

kchszy061ban

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

When talks about moving to another place,many people will hesitate a long time for fear of losing old friends.The point is: Will you really lose your friends, if you are not planning to leave them behind?

Nowadays,ways to be connected are various, keep in contact with your friends and long-standing friendship will even become firmer.For example,I went to a university far from my hometown while most of my friends entered the local one.So we live separated throughout the four years.But every vacation I will renew acquaintance with them.And during traditional festivals I will always get messages from them.Therefore always keep in contact with your friends and you will lose nothing.

In fact, moving to a new country is not that bad.A new place means change and challenge. And this is a significant way to perfect one a lot.Many people feel painful when the failure comes, so they tend to stick to the same place and the same habit.However,it is just the failure that points out where they are inadequate and not developing well. When people adapt to the change and the environment, a meaningful life begins.And no doubt that it is a happy thing to share this period with your old friends.

In addition, relationship needs to be renewed.And in order to do this, moving is inevitable. People ,especially the youths, should extend their social relationships since a successful career is based on relationships,and during the process of making friends we can not only learn how to be good with people but also build our own personality.

In conclusion, the advantages of moving carry more weight than those of staying at the same place because people will learn more and get more by moving without losing their old friends. In deed, only in this way, can one maximize his contributions to the society and to his friends.

不错不错，木有错误的说。

综合修改

The lecture apparently disputes the points illustrated in the reading material. According to the passage cane toads should be declined by three methods,However, yet none of them regard in the eye of the lecture.

First of all, the professor claims that national fence won't be efficient to decline the cane toads because only a few can establish population very fast. In contrast, the reading passage points out that national fence can be effective to prevent them from moving to another parts of the Australia. So the lecture totally disagrees with the view made in the reading passage.

Second, the passage demonstrates that the toad can be captured and destroyed by volunteers. In the lecture, the professor admits the volunteer will mistake the originate ones with the cane toads because their looking is similar.

Finally, the passage raises the issue that virus will be especially designed. The professor opposes to the writer's expectation. She asserts that the virus will destroy the balance of the ecology, content that explicitly contradicts that passage.

In conclusion, the point made in the lecture contracts with what is presented in the reading material.

综合的写作还是需要一点点细节额

tyyhappy

629
红色是修改，蓝色是疑问，黄色是高亮。
Records saying that there are youngsters (who) prefer to choose a career generally quite different from their parents'(这个句子的主谓语不清楚). And the amounts is（are） considerable. If it is a trend to choose a different job rather than just inherit the parents', then it would be interesting to find out the reasons behind this.（这个引出好像不是切题，题目是should否，但是这个句子的意思是探索现象背后的原因，有些偏题。）

To begin with, as time goes by, the job parents get probably is becoming an old-fashioned one. For example, my little aunt used to make cakes to feed the family, but she now is a worker in a cake factory, because the factory she is working for can make cakes faster cheaper and more delicious. Everyone knows that only ten years past the life(这个说法貌似很chinglish嘿。) can be quite different. Especially today, an era when industries of computer, transportation and mechanization developes (develop) at an incredibly speed. Simply inherit（ing） a job from parents is not a good idea.

Also, children's willingness to contribute themselves to which areas is important(这句应该倒装一下哪，到装完：what areas children’s willingnessto contribute themselves to is important，但是读起来好别扭的说，这么写行不呢：children what areas children prefer to contribute themselves to is important). It indeed is affected by parents. An(A) surprising fact is: Parents always tend to let their children choose another kind of job. My parents are teachers, in fact they do their jobs pretty well for both of them are being highly respected in their schools. But they always told me if I am brave and ambitious, I should try to be employed by the banks. It is too tired to speak and stand in front of the blackboard all day long. But one of my classmate's parents, already working in a bank, told me an(a) completely different story: Competition（s） in banks is(are) very obvious, burdens need to bear is very heavy（这句话有两个谓语，而且句子之间没有连词）. So, don't try to be a bank worker if you get another choice. So, it is not an accident children prefer the jobs different from their parents'.

In addition, sometimes it is boring if the whole family works in the same career. For instance, Sara is one of my favorite film star(stars) and during the past six months she lived with a boy who is crazy about films, too. I thought they would be happy, but the result is (that) they broke up. Then recently, in a show, she complains about it--I broke up with him, because he usually get only one topic to talk about, films! I cannot put up with being with films all the time, (两个句子并列，+and)I need to take a break.

In conclusion, children choose a job to be happy. The job will bring them other parts of the life. So, if a totally different career from their parents' could bring them what they want, let's just wish them a promising future.

To scrafcatt

scafcatt的论证过程和例子都很好的说。

但是有些句子偏chinglish，会有多谓语的现象，和句子并列无连词的现象哪。

kchszy061ban

dear srafcatt，你改作文真的很仔细的说，嘿嘿，等待欣赏你的作文了额