【写作小分队】music作文贴，714 ～～～

jiaosisisisi

RT，希望大家可以共同进步！

二妹拿命搞

dddddddd

vanessa923

红色改，黄色背景好，蓝色建议。
In ancient China ,top intellectuals are usually those who work for the emperor and the books they read are largely made of wood,which can be difficulty to carry.It's unrealistic and inconvenient for ordinary people to get（这里用obtain会不会更加分？）knowledge from the large and expensive books.By contrast,nowdays elites of every field are easy to find among the common people,they are able to get education freely and efficientlybecause they are living in an era where people are ever smart ,technology are ever highly developed and resources are ever available.（不错，ever的用法，受教了！）

To begin with , the smarter human beings are,the easier they can get educated. Generally speaking the process of human history is the process of accumulating experience,especially thanks to the widely use of language and characters.Modern people can learn knowledge quickly and efficiently on the basis of their ancestor's reality practice.For example,nowadays scientists do not need to prove every mathematical formula or theoretical model to support his research.Therefore,they've benefited much from the shortcut explored by ancestors.（这些例子其实验证的是人类可以从祖先那里获得很多经验指导，可主题句是人类越聪明越。。要不试着把主题句详细点？）
Additionally, internet accounts for the easiness for people in morden society to get long-distance  education. Educational resources are available to everyone who's able to hook up to the internet.For example,I am now living in remote West of China,but everyday I will take notes of the classes offered by Harvard University Public Courses.However,in the past people would never imagine to do things like this,or it will be very costy for ordinary people to get education.  

Last but not least , high-tech electronic products offer the conveniency for modern people to get easy education,which also make it possible that people can read books anywhere and anytime. Take me as an example ,about ten years ago if I wanted to read a book ,I have to carry a very thick paper-made book and it was not very possible to keep the book unbroken.However,now I usually take me with portable Ipad,into which I'v put hundreds of electronic books.It's very convenient for me to take this small device everyday. Thus I can get accessible to whatever I want to learn only as I wish.

To sum up, given the reasons discussed above, which sometimes intertwine to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive,（这句话本身很好，可是放在这里会不会有些累赘？） we can safely reach the conclusion that People are now easier to become educated than in the past because they accumulate knowledge from their predecessors,（and）internet and high-tech electronic products are at the same time offering assistance.
总结：
语言通顺。结构清晰。整体不错。

jiaosisisisi

6.9 done
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People are now easier to become educated than in the past
In ancient China ,top intellectuals are usually those who work for the emperor and the books they read are largely made of wood,which can be difficulty to carry.It's unrealistic and inconvenient for ordinary people to get knowledge from the large and expensive books.By contrast,nowdays elites of every field are easy to find among the common people,they are able to get education freely and efficiently because they are living in an era where people are ever smart ,technology are ever highly developed and resources are ever available.

To begin with , the smarter human beings are,the easier they can get educated. Generally speaking the process of human history is the process of accumulating experience,especially thanks to the widely use of language and characters.Modern people can learn knowledge quickly and efficiently on the basis of their ancestor's reality practice.For example,nowadays scientists do not need to prove every mathematical formula or theoretical model to support his research.Therefore,they've benefited much from the shortcut explored by ancestors.

Additionally, internet accounts for the easiness for people in morden society to get long-distance  education. Educational resources are available to everyone who's able to hook up to the internet.For example,I am now living in remote West of China,but everyday I will take notes of the classes offered by Harvard University Public Courses.However,in the past people would never imagine to do things like this,or it will be very costy for ordinary people to get education.  

Last but not least , high-tech electronic products offer the conveniency for modern people to get easy education,which also make it possible that people can read books anywhere and anytime. Take me as an example ,about ten years ago if I wanted to read a book ,I have to carry a very thick paper-made book and it was not very possible to keep the book unbroken.However,now I usually take me with portable Ipad,into which I'v put hundreds of electronic books.It's very convenient for me to take this small device everyday. Thus I can get accessible to whatever I want to learn only as I wish.

To sum up, given the reasons discussed above, which sometimes intertwine to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive, we can safely reach the conclusion that People are now easier to become educated than in the past because they accumulate knowledge from their predecessors,internet and high-tech electronic products are at the same time offering assistance.

acrophobiahy

6.6
修改好词

Have you heard of the recent news that in China SanLu milk powder brought many babies's lives due to its unqualified products?（改写如下）Or have you been aware of the survey conducted by World Health Organization that more than one-third of the world's population is in sub-health conditions just because they eat genetically modified food ?If so ,you might deeply/safely reach anagreement with me that food nowadays is much more unhealthier than that in the past.

改写：

Have you heard of the Chinese Baby Formula Scandal that many babies were sick when some manufactures added melamine to infant formular?


Creditability crisis is the first and foremost reason that(去掉that)why people are suffering unhealthy food today.It's a prevalent trend that food manufacturers are searching after profits blindly,the only one point they care about is money（and what they care most is money）.That gradually makes it possible that food producers begin to cheat consumers by replacing high qualified materials by(with)cheap or even poisonous stuffs.That's why so many tragic stories are now and then playing on TV or newspaper.For example,some journalists in China have recently make a list of 39 names of the problem food products to criticize the food manufacturers and government,however,they poisonous food will not beextinct(extinct 是形容词) without any big changes.

Additionally,technology plays an indispensable（必不可少的，感觉用在这里不太恰当） role to make food unhealthy .Increasing reports about the harm from genetically modified food have persuaded people that they are now in danger.Farmers choose to plant genetically modified food because less pesticides are needed and they can harvest more.However,this kind of high tech food can not always provide enough trace elements that body needs,thus make eaters stay in a poor health situation. Besides,genetically modified food will always contains excessive antibiotics,which have bad effects on the immune system of human bodies.

However, people in the past have relatively simple and honest minds.They are majorly pursuing happiness and health rather than profits and money.They plant natural but green food even though without high-tech.Therefore ,people are living a relatively healthier life in the past than now.

To sum up,given the reasons discussed above, which sometimes intertwine toform （form  可以去掉了，intertwine into 交织成后面可以直接加名词了，这个词选用的真好）an organic whole and thus become more persuasive, we can safely reach the conclusion that food nowadays is much more unhealthier than that in the past due to creditability crisis and high-tech .


ｍｕｓｉｃ　采用提问的方式开头别出心裁，值得我好好学习啊～～
　　　　　　整体的结构也很好，２＋１形式
　　　　　　但是呢，我觉得你的例子可以具体一点。

jiaosisisisi

6.6
题目：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Food in the past was much healthier than today.

Have you heard of the recent news that in China SanLu milk powder brought many babies's lives due to its unqualified products?Or have you been aware of the survey conducted by World Health Organization that more than one-third of the world's population is in sub-health conditions just because they eat genetically modified food ?If so ,you might deeply reach an agreement with me that food nowadays is much more unhealthier than that in the past.

Creditability crisis is the first and foremost reason that why people are suffering unhealthy food today.It's a prevalent trend that food manufacturers are searching after profits blindly,the only one point they care about is money.That gradually makes it possible that food producers begin to cheat consumers by replacing high qualified materials by cheap or even poisonous stuffs.That's why so many tragic stories are now and then playing on TV or newspaper.For example,some journalists in China have recently make a list of 39 names of the problem food products to criticize the food manufacturers and government,however,they poisonous food will not extinct without any big changes.

Additionally,technology plays an indispensable role to make food unhealthy .Increasing reports about the harm from genetically modified food have persuaded people that they are now in danger.
Farmers choose to plant genetically modified food because less pesticides are needed and they can harvest more.However,this kind of high tech food can not always provide enough trace elements that body needs,thus make eaters stay in a poor health situation. Besides,genetically modified food will always contains excessive antibiotics,which have bad effects on the immune system of human bodies.

However, people in the past have relatively simple and honest minds.They are majorly pursuing happiness and health rather than profits and money.They plant natural but green food even though without high-tech.Therefore ,people are living a relatively healthier life in the past than now.

To sum up,given the reasons discussed above, which sometimes intertwine to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive, we can safely reach the conclusion that food nowadays is much more unhealthier than that in the past due to creditability crisis and high-tech .

jiaosisisisi

今天完成了听写 作业     口语作业。。。
正在完成 写作作业！！！
很遗憾。。。。I‘m back了！

miss绿光

4月16日110821 NADo you agree or disagree with the following statement? There is never a reason to be rude (impolite) to another person.
观点：不能粗鲁
粗鲁不好，会造成无法弥补的遗憾。Thanks for your outline!
Eg.  两个关系非常要好的朋友吵架，一方没有控制好情绪，粗鲁了一把，他们之间的关系再也没法回到以前了。
粗鲁不好，解决不了问题，反而使得矛盾升级。
Eg,本来是一个小问题，可以私下解决的，但是却非要闹，都不妥协让步，最后造成了大祸。

综上所述，不能粗鲁，因为首先，粗鲁造成遗憾。其次粗鲁解决不了问题，反而使得事情更糟！
Have you ever found yourself been regreted regretted after you shouted to others impolitely?
Or have you found that rudeness can always make things even worse and worse. ?
If so,you might profoundly reach an agreement with me that under no circumstances
should people be impolite to another person and I would like to share my viewpoints
as follows.

To begin with, rudeness will lead to people's regrets that would never make up for be made up.T
his is because people always make an excessively wrong decision when they are on fire
with someone else.Actually,they might have not enough time to think carefully over what's
in their mind.For example, I and andrea [A name of friend? Capital form.] were once very good friends ,but one day we
got quarrels with each other for a very tiny misunderstanding .The problem was that I
never imagined that he should would感觉更好一些 shout at me with extremely disgusting words .After that,
I felt utterly heart broken and realised realized that our friendship had ended at that moment he
behaved so rudely.Though later Andrea recognised recognized that it was his fault and apologized
sincerely to me ,our friendship has been not too far away from collapse.

Additionally,rudeness is not the way to solve problems.On the contrary,it will generally
carry things towards the even worse situations. For example, in a couple of days ago
I was deeply shocked by the news from XiaGuanYing University.It reported that two students
quarreled with each other for the seats in the library, and they both claimed that the
seats were first occupied by themselves.[这里如果用的是themselves，就把两个学生看做一体了。我觉得用Each claimed that the seat is occupied first by himself.但是我觉得这么说还是怪，看看有没有别的expression？]No one seemed to compromise to each other.
Soon, the small issue was [应用被动] upgraded into a bloody fight,and [两个主谓宾结构之间要有连词] the final result was that the weak boy
crazily killed the strong but arrogant boy with knife.[有点没明白，是弱的把强的杀了？] How thought provoking!
Therefore,never be impolite if we hope to solve the problems.In fact,rudeness will only
trigger more problems rather than offer help.

In conclusion,even under the worst situations,people are not supposed to behave rudely
to another person because impoliteness has the same meaning of regret.What is more,
rudeness will always make the result more and more worse.

文章结构分析。
文章采取总分总的形式
structure
第一段总说，粗鲁会造成Bad1，会造成bad2，所以，啊～～～不能粗鲁。、
第二段，细说为什么会造成BAD1，而且举例子说明，最后总结，啊～～～的确粗鲁会造成BAD1
第三段，细说为什么会造成BAD2，而且举例子说明，最后总结，啊～～～的确粗鲁会造成BAD2
第四段来“圆第一段的谎”，啊，第一段说得太对了，就是不能粗鲁，因为BAD1,BAD2.
==================================
我觉得整体文章结构很好，观点也很有说服力（因为我写的是相反的观点所以更觉如此~）例子也很恰当！就是有一些语法上的小错误~注意一下就好。
另外，感觉结尾有点小苍白，与前面的比起来。结尾可以试着华丽一点，以前老师总是说要首位爆好，即使中间平淡…不过也只是老师的一家之言啦~
以上是我的感觉，如有不对的地方敬请谅解！

Crystaljoy

完成任务

够水。。。。

粗鲁  
是魔鬼。




看的快不会写这两字了。

-- by 会员 Crystaljoy (2012/4/17 11:05:25)

-- by 会员 jiaosisisisi (2012/4/17 12:40:31)

jiaosisisisi

够水。。。。

粗鲁  
是魔鬼。




看的快不会写这两字了。

-- by 会员 Crystaljoy (2012/4/17 11:05:25)