第一篇AA，恳请NN狠批。。

biabia123

原题：The following appeared as part of an article in a computer magazine.

”A year ago Apex Manufacturing bought its managers computers for their homes and paid for telephone connections so that the managers could access Apex computers and data files from home after normal business hours. Since last year, productivity at Apex has increased by 15 percent. Other companies can learn from the success at Apex: given home computers and access to company resources, employees will work additional hours at home and thereby increase company profits.”
正文：
Showing the evidence that, after Apex Manufacturing’s decisions to bring managers computers for their homes and pay for the telephone connections several years ago, the productivity at Apex has increased by 15 percent, the author concludes the policy taken by the company contributes to the booming of productivity and therefore recommends that other companies provide home computers and access to company resources to their employees to increase company profits. However, the author’s reasoning process is questionable for the following points.
First of all, the author assumes that Apex’s increase in productivity is due to its equipping its managers with home computers and access to company resources, based on the fact that the productivity increase occurred after the action of the company. However no evidence is provided by the author to ensure that it is the manager’s home working hours that mainly contributes to the productivity increase. Other factors, such as the employees’ performance and economics environment, should also impact great influence on the productivity. Besides, Apex might just introduce advanced machines to its assembling line last year and hence the assembling progress has made the production more effective.
Secondly, the author recommends that other companies learn from Apex based on an analogy between them. Unfortunately this analogy is fallacious because the author failed to give assumptions to make sure that Apex and other companies are experiencing similar circumstances. Perhaps in other companies, employees tend to finish their works in the company with colleagues sitting around them so that they discuss the details in work affairs face to face. Furthermore productivity increase does not enable profit to increase. It is possible for some companies to face a great decline in their product’s price in the following years, and thus the profits will not increase along with the productivity increase.
In sum, based on the insufficient deduction and the poor analogy between Apex and other companies, the line of the author’s reasoning is unconvincing. In order to make the reasoning more persuasive, the author should provide additional evidence that Apex’s decision to provide its managers with home computers and access to company resources played an essential role in productivity increase and should make crucial assumptions that all the companies are under the similar environment.

biabia123

恩恩，把句子写短又要表达清楚是个技术活，我去改改~~

anniecomet

第一句我要是没看错的话，是到however前面结束的吧？句子过长，美国人一看就头疼。尽量用简单句，用好连接词，不要套太复杂的句式。

biabia123

看完了，写的不错，但是中间部分太短了吧，可以针对increase profits再谈一下

-- by 会员 rio (2011/11/18 1:14:07)

也就是说中间部分的第二段的“Furthermore productivity increase does not enable profit to increase. It is possible for some companies to face a great decline in their product’s price in the following years, and thus the profits will not increase along with the productivity increase.”这一部分可以再展开呈一段说明，那会不会和第二段重复呢？ 谢谢版主~~~

rio

看完了，写的不错，但是中间部分太短了吧，可以针对increase profits再谈一下

rio

准备迎接狂风骤雨吧！