argument 148 女校~求拍

jasonliu119

一、调查代表性
二、女校传统不一定带来士气的提升
三、女校传统不一定带来经济资助

In this argument the author advocates that the old tradition of all-female education should be preserved in Grove College. It seems reasonable to agree with the author before a close scrutiny. However, the argument rests on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions that render it unconvincing.


To begin with, the argument relies on an assumption that both the two surveys are valid and representative enough to show all the students' or the alumnae' opinions on this problem. However, the author fails to provide sufficient evidence to convince me of the validity and scope of the surveys. The cited 80 percent seems a large number and there is a possibility that only 20 students responded in this survey. And similarly, the sample of the alumnae may be too small to present the whole. If that's the case, the surveys can't be used to bolster the recommendation of keeping the college all female. Unless the author can present firm evidence to affirm the validity and representativeness of the surveys, the argument is unpersuasive as it stands.


What's more, even though the foregoing assumption can be proved, the argument is still ill-conceived. The author unfairly assumes that the all-female tradition helps to enhance the morale among students. We are not able to deny the likelihood that the majority of the female students may feel comfortable without male students. However, there is no necessary relationship between the all-female tradition and the morale in college. Perhaps if the college accepts male students and thus there is an increase in the number of the students, the female students may think their school becomes better and more famous, which may lead to the improvement in the students' morale. If that is true, the assumption will be weakened seriously. Without considering the possible alternative explanation and ruling it out, the argument is logically unsound.


Last but not least, even if the author is able to prove the assumptions mentioned above, there is another crucial but unsubstantiated assumption that alumnae are willing to support the college if the college can remain all-female. If it is true, the recommendation will be reinforced greatly. However, the author fails to offer evidence to support it. Common sense tells me that there are several factors that may influence the alumnae's willingness to donate to the college, such as the economic conditions and the educational effectiveness of the school. For example, perhaps a bad economic environment leads to the alumnae’s bad economic conditions, which may result in the termination of the financial support to the college though it keeps all female. Only with firm evidence to affirm the relationship between the all-female tradition and the financial support can the argument be considered reliable.


To sum up, relying on nothing more than unsubstantiated assumptions, the argument is unpersuasive and fails to convince me that the college should implement the author's recommendation. To make a more cogent argument and convince the college to keep all-female, the author needs to provide more valid and clear evidence to substantiate the assumptions as well as to present more rigid reasoning.

ppguo

这么看行不？ 男女之间的不同，思想的碰撞可以激发学习兴趣，也就是士气？

jasonliu119

谢谢你的建议！那个男女交流问题我是想过的，但是貌似与morale没太大关系吧、、、我理解的morale是士气，当一个军队人多而强大的时候，士气才高涨。同理，学校人多了，一定程度上说明学校在当地的影响力提升了，也不能提高士气？

ppguo

提几个具体的问题吧，
1. survey 的样本一般称为 pool.
2. 第三段“ Perhaps if the college accepts male students and thus there is an increase in the number of the students, the female students may think their school becomes better and more famous, which may lead to the improvement in the students' morale.” 这个论据很weak. 你可以说男女同校可以促进彼此认识男女的不同，优劣互补。
3. 在表达类似的意思是，要尽量使用不同的词，这个是机改中的一个评分标准。

大剑Jade

可以考虑下资金来源是否只是校友资助，或者不赞成招男生的校友是否是资助的中坚力量。
整体感觉不错，攻击点找的没有问题， 但整篇文章并不出彩，毕竟思维发散性似乎尚有欠缺，语言上行文还算流畅，但也是缺乏说服力（这方面可以加一些自己的特点，比如各种反问，一些排比，总之要写出出彩的句子才有说服力）现在这篇貌似有些太平庸了。
估计最多只能在adequate和strong之间徘徊。尚需努力！~ ——个人浅见。