ESSAY第一稿，求拍砖，求指教，顺便尝试召唤花朵大哥和ZIYE姐

liuxuanlihao

好不容易写了第一篇ESSAY的初稿，头都大了。
感觉还没有完全表达出我的想法，还要想想怎么添加。但是知道自己写的东西存在的问题是要事，所以就先把内容修改前的ESSAY发上来了，求牛牛们多给意见，多拍砖

Essays and Resume
Describe your post-MBA or post-MS career plans. How does your past education and experience support your career objectives? What aspects of the Simon School program make it a good choice for your graduate study? (500 word maximum)



The international financial world is changing rapidly. A company can stand out in the highly competitive society only if it can grasp the direction of change in financial markets. Financial analyst, the person that connects the company and the financial market, is what I’ve decided to become, and I’ve been preparing myself for it during the four years of my university life.

My undergraduate courses have provided me the basic knowledge of the business world. From basic courses such as economics and international finance, to courses more professional such as corporate finance and fix income securities, these courses provided me the theoretical basis for a financial analyst. However, after consulting some financial analysts, I found that the courses I took can hardly prepare me for an eligible financial analyst, since making actual decisions should take many practical factors into consideration.

To do a more comprehensive analysis, I need a deep understanding of the society, and the way to understand is to experience and to communicate. That’s why I participated in the voluntary activities. Voluntary activity is a good way to contact with people from different background or different culture. During the voluntary service in “Sunny family” for children with mental retardation, I realized that what we mean to give is not always what others can happily accept. The care we usually offered to mentally disabled children might sometimes make them uncomfortable, since their minds might be more mature than we considered, and they would feel despised if treated as kids. What they need wasn’t just care, but understanding. The experience I spent with them changed my way of thinking. I realized the importance of making decision on the perspective of others and kept practicing. During the service in the “Thousand-village” investigation, I gave advices after having in-depth interview for each family. I also applied for leading a team to serve Hong Kong visitors in the EXPO 2010 since I was from the same culture with them and could better meet their needs. Gradually I could do analysis more considerate. When working in the PICC Property and Casualty Company Limited as a trainee, I assisted in negotiating with 2 key clients on the indemnity amount. I reminded the clients that the compromise they made this time was in favor of a lower premium in future cooperation and then solved the problem.

However, my knowledge of finance and insight of the society still cannot prepare me for an outstanding financial analyst. I still have to experience, and to learn more about different aspects of the financial market and about basic analytical skills. That’s why I choose Simon, choose the MSF program. Not only because the specialized courses about financial analysis and about different subfields of the financial market, but also because the small size of international class and the diversity of student clubs that enable me to have thorough idea exchange with students form different cultures.

The cross-cultural experience and theoretical study in Simon are essential for me to fulfill my dream. And I, the future outstanding financial analyst, am surely the best choice for Simon.

liuxuanlihao

Besides, I would suggest that you bring all the ACTIVITIES into the optional essay.

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:29:10)

恩，这个建议我会考虑考虑。另外我想请教一下，CAREER PLAN的描述，是一开始一步一步写得很详细好，还是开头大致整体描述，然后在下面段落中结合经历用整篇文章来描写好？

-- by 会员 liuxuanlihao (2011/10/11 20:32:50)

How to be detailed?
I would be analysts for the first 2 years, and then after 5 years.... I.....

Just as urself, what do you wanna  become after graduation and after 10 years?

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:36:24)

谢谢，今天你的点评很受用。我继续改我的第二稿去。

tata9055

Besides, I would suggest that you bring all the ACTIVITIES into the optional essay.

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:29:10)

恩，这个建议我会考虑考虑。另外我想请教一下，CAREER PLAN的描述，是一开始一步一步写得很详细好，还是开头大致整体描述，然后在下面段落中结合经历用整篇文章来描写好？

-- by 会员 liuxuanlihao (2011/10/11 20:32:50)

How to be detailed?
I would be analysts for the first 2 years, and then after 5 years.... I.....

Just as urself, what do you wanna  become after graduation and after 10 years?

liuxuanlihao

to make analysis... so you did a lot of voluntary activities?
really? make sense?    Cound not you feel anything that seem to be strange?

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:17:31)

我也觉得VOLUNTARY和我的CAREER GOAL有点远，但是因为我的INTERN太平淡，而且和职业定位也不太相关（保险），并且我觉得VOLUNTARY 还是让我对社会的认识和分析能力有很大提高，所以我尽量往他上面靠。但似乎效果不太好

-- by 会员 liuxuanlihao (2011/10/11 20:21:36)

They are really bad.
means nothing.
If i were you, i would say something about the quantitative method i had utilized in the experiences.

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:23:28)

我还是觉得VOLUN中我学到的，给我带来的是我的一个与众不同的地方，不太想轻易放弃。我在打算压缩VOLUN中的经历，这些经历如何帮助我成为一个ANALYST，希望效果会好一点

-- by 会员 liuxuanlihao (2011/10/11 20:29:09)

My Q here: you said you have contacted with some guys who really are analysts, have you?
From what you wrote on this essay, i cannot see any connections between your activities and your goal.
Make them relevant, or dump them all.

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:31:04)

我会选择第一种。如何结合我会好好考虑的。其实我承认我的这个第一稿时围绕我的经历去往CAREER GOAL上面靠，而不是根据CAREER GOAL去组织我的经历

liuxuanlihao

Besides, I would suggest that you bring all the ACTIVITIES into the optional essay.

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:29:10)

恩，这个建议我会考虑考虑。另外我想请教一下，CAREER PLAN的描述，是一开始一步一步写得很详细好，还是开头大致整体描述，然后在下面段落中结合经历用整篇文章来描写好？

tata9055

to make analysis... so you did a lot of voluntary activities?
really? make sense?    Cound not you feel anything that seem to be strange?

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:17:31)

我也觉得VOLUNTARY和我的CAREER GOAL有点远，但是因为我的INTERN太平淡，而且和职业定位也不太相关（保险），并且我觉得VOLUNTARY 还是让我对社会的认识和分析能力有很大提高，所以我尽量往他上面靠。但似乎效果不太好

-- by 会员 liuxuanlihao (2011/10/11 20:21:36)

They are really bad.
means nothing.
If i were you, i would say something about the quantitative method i had utilized in the experiences.

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:23:28)

我还是觉得VOLUN中我学到的，给我带来的是我的一个与众不同的地方，不太想轻易放弃。我在打算压缩VOLUN中的经历，这些经历如何帮助我成为一个ANALYST，希望效果会好一点

-- by 会员 liuxuanlihao (2011/10/11 20:29:09)

My Q here: you said you have contacted with some guys who really are analysts, have you?
From what you wrote on this essay, i cannot see any connections between your activities and your goal.
Make them relevant, or dump them all.

tata9055

Besides, I would suggest that you bring all the ACTIVITIES into the optional essay.

liuxuanlihao

to make analysis... so you did a lot of voluntary activities?
really? make sense?    Cound not you feel anything that seem to be strange?

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:17:31)

我也觉得VOLUNTARY和我的CAREER GOAL有点远，但是因为我的INTERN太平淡，而且和职业定位也不太相关（保险），并且我觉得VOLUNTARY 还是让我对社会的认识和分析能力有很大提高，所以我尽量往他上面靠。但似乎效果不太好

-- by 会员 liuxuanlihao (2011/10/11 20:21:36)

They are really bad.
means nothing.
If i were you, i would say something about the quantitative method i had utilized in the experiences.

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:23:28)

我还是觉得VOLUN中我学到的，给我带来的是我的一个与众不同的地方，不太想轻易放弃。我在打算压缩VOLUN中的经历，这些经历如何帮助我成为一个ANALYST，希望效果会好一点

tata9055

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT IN THE SECOND PARA.?

relevant to your career goals?

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:19:59)

SENCOND PARA 我现在写第二稿时已经换了一种表达方式，写得更AGGRESIVE，直接写了我本科期间上了的课已经给我对金融业有基本了解，能给我做金融的分析打下良好基础，不知道这样有没有好一点？

-- by 会员 liuxuanlihao (2011/10/11 20:24:13)

I'd say MAY BE

liuxuanlihao

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT IN THE SECOND PARA.?

relevant to your career goals?

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:19:59)

SENCOND PARA 我现在写第二稿时已经换了一种表达方式，写得更AGGRESIVE，直接写了我本科期间上了的课已经给我对金融业有基本了解，能给我做金融的分析打下良好基础，不知道这样有没有好一点？