我也弱弱发PS初稿上来， 求意见。 DIY真的不容易的啊~~

leonjhz

求大神意见啊。 我几天前写完初稿后再看着它我心里就莫名发慌啊发慌。 我主申marketing之类的~ 谢谢~~~~~~~~

I did notconsider applying for Business School until I rode a manpower tricycle(old-styled taxi) for business in summer 2009. Nevertheless, I found the righttrack of my life after this business experience. I must say that summer 2009 isone of the most vital turning points of my life.


Looking at mytranscript, you will find that my grades freshman year are quite different fromthose I got after summer 2009. After my poor performance in the CollegeEntrance Examination, I was completely lost my track of my life. After startingour own self-employed company riding the tricycle for business, I realized thatbusiness must be an essential part of my life and that communication is playinga key role in the business world. I have to confess that my cGPA freshman yearwas even lower than 3.0, but then I understood textbook knowledge is necessary.I began to study hard and go out to communicate with different people,including classmates from different provinces and teachers from various countries.My college, which carries out the four-year entire English teaching, recruitedmany instructors from different countries such as U.S., England, Ireland andFrance, providing a perfect environment for me to learn more about variouscultures and communication skills. After my endeavor, I bottomed up my cGPA sophomoreyear and junior year. Presentation, teamwork and communication have becomethree main key words of my college life.
Fortunately, Igrasped the opportunity to study in Minnesota, U.S. as an exchange student.This special experience helped me obtain more valuable knowledge aboutintercultural communication, which cannot be gained from textbooks. I got thechance to know many international students, and I travelled to New York City,Boston and Los Angles alone and lived in hostels so that I was able tocommunicate with travelers from diverse cultural backgrounds, pushing me to goa step further for my career plan.

My short-termcareer goal is to serve as an integrated marketing communication consultant toan overseas-invested enterprise or as a business consultant to a nonprofitagency, allowing me to further hone my communication and management skillswhile serving the community. What is more, this short-term goal can help meprepare for my long-term goal of starting an international business in thefield of integrated marketing communication. That is, becoming a greatentrepreneur is definitely my future career goal.

A XXX BusinessSchool Master of Marketing would provide me with internationally focusedmarketing, strategy, and communication education. I major in Public Relationsand Advertising now, and I believe that XXX’s emphasis on strategic marketingeducation fits well with my future career goal. In reality, I believe it wouldbe a mistake to limit my future possibilities too soon, and this is why I want aMaster of Marketing in XXX business school, which would broaden my knowledge ofbusiness and my horizons.
To sum, thecombination of my potential ability to study, special oversea study experience,cooperative spirits, communication skills and great education offered by XXXbusiness school will prepare me the great practical knowledge for my long-termcareer goal, which is to be an great entrepreneur and start an internationalenterprise in the field of integrated marketing communication.  

abbyhero

菜鸟表示粗略的瞅了瞅 感觉缺少细节 比如你一开始说的转折点 就只说自己有这么一个经历 有这个经历就改变了 但没有细节也没说清到底是怎么激励你了

还有我弱弱的说lz语言可能不精炼。。会给老外一种看中学生文章的感觉。。不过这个后面请人多改应该没问题啦！还是充实内容先~~

happyhlan

小小的说一些自己的看法，希望对楼主有帮助。
第一是不知道楼主为什么一开始就说成绩事情，是因为你的gpa有硬伤吗？还是想体现自己的某些特质。。。
第二是楼主既然有交流的经验，有在美国很多城市旅游的体验，可以把这个当重点，然后把这段经历和你为什么选mkt联系起来。。通篇没看出来你为什么选MKT，是对mkt多有激情。
第三就是选校这件事儿不仅仅是学校会帮你实现什么，你也可以考虑考虑你能给那个学校带去什么。
楼主加油~

summerwaker

思想转换的地方 defining moment 一定要说清楚。比如说前面你发现academic knowledge的重要性，就要写清楚这个转折，你是通过一个什么事情或者一些事情发现他的重要性。后面你还紧接写了interpersonal skills的事情，之前你也该说communication对business很重要。既然你说学习很重要，key words 里面应也要有个study有关的word吧。我觉得楼主可以写的更有逻辑性点。

衔接啊。。。。
个人观点

liyuehuano1

leonjhz

中介帮写的PS ，捂脸～所以可能帮不上太大忙，但中介让偶提供了很多素材，包括，现在的专业是CS,为啥想申请marketing，提示：家里人有从事marketing相关行业的工作，对自己产生了何种影响。
印象最深刻的一次课外活动（这个让偶很是深思了一番），该活动中显示了自己那些capabilities : leadership ? good communication ? influcing ? conflicts handling etc.
在学校的学习中那些细节跟自己选择的这个专业有关，如何影响自己。。。

希望有所帮助吧。非常同意楼上几位大牛的评语：先定一个目标，把素材罗列出来，确定一个逻辑的基调，围绕该基调让对方对自己的故事感兴趣。该基调自然是：你是优秀的，自信的，成功的！

-- by 会员 bj10years (2011/9/28 13:00:16)

谢谢你~ 对我很有帮助撒。 共勉啦

leonjhz

1.不知道那一大段经历讲了没讲有什么区别。
2.不知道你要申请什么专业。
3.你的career goal在第三段，没有任何材料支撑。
4.那一大段经历是bullshit，一个都不能用。
5.最后一段。。。

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/9/28 13:00:16)

1. 之前有牛牛告诉我说解释GPA的那段放到additional information那好了。 我本意是想说我还是有potential ability of study的 -   -
2. marketing啦。
3. 深知问题的严重性了已经~
4. 好吧。 你在说第一段麽。 我默默接受啦~
5. 谢谢你撒~~~~~~~~~~

tata9055

1.不知道那一大段经历讲了没讲有什么区别。
2.不知道你要申请什么专业。
3.你的career goal在第三段，没有任何材料支撑。
4.那一大段经历是bullshit，一个都不能用。
5.最后一段。。。

bj10years

中介帮写的PS ，捂脸～所以可能帮不上太大忙，但中介让偶提供了很多素材，包括，现在的专业是CS,为啥想申请marketing，提示：家里人有从事marketing相关行业的工作，对自己产生了何种影响。
印象最深刻的一次课外活动（这个让偶很是深思了一番），该活动中显示了自己那些capabilities : leadership ? good communication ? influcing ? conflicts handling etc.
在学校的学习中那些细节跟自己选择的这个专业有关，如何影响自己。。。

希望有所帮助吧。非常同意楼上几位大牛的评语：先定一个目标，把素材罗列出来，确定一个逻辑的基调，围绕该基调让对方对自己的故事感兴趣。该基调自然是：你是优秀的，自信的，成功的！

higanbana

IKT1108好热心赞一个，说的很到位，我贴上PS这两天，也聆听了很多大牛和好心CDer的建议，虽然我也是PS菜鸟一枚，但是也发表下意见，楼主可以忽略啊，我感觉楼主的这篇跟我初稿很像，我刚开始写PS的时候，闭上眼睛一回想就是 这些奋斗的历史，但是根据大牛的说法，这些历史，未必好用，你自己感动，觉得有自己的心血，可人家可能不认可，没有说服力，另外一点，就像IKT说的， 你要看准学校的问题，一般会问，这个项目能怎么帮你实现你的career goal，你就要围绕问题来想内容，有时候我们以为PS就是真实的写出自己最想说的话，可能其实不该这样写，虽然有时想想自己最在乎的那些东西都被删掉还觉得眼泪汪汪的……，但是像ziye姐说的，要形成策略性的思考和逻辑结构。楼主加油，我也正在努力的改，回头改好再传上来让大牛们评论，哪怕哪位CDer有时间随便给的一个小评论，也可能对我有很大的启发，你到时候也来看看哈，大家都是DIY，互相帮助，互相加油。

-- by 会员 yangmars (2011/9/27 22:14:33)

又看到你了，觉得你的态度真的很积极啊，加油吧！开网店那个是你吧？其实我觉得这是很好经历啊，不知道别的NN点评没，我觉得你这个可以强化一下，突出你的合理安排时间的能力，以及抗压能力什么的，小白的个人见解。。。