请帮忙看一篇自认为自己写的比较好的作文

astrofine

是科目前面不要用定冠词"the"

luckg

no article before a kind of Subject like match & physics

请问楼上MM,这句话是什么意思?

你们的修改我都认真看过，记过了

清水清水

1.there are some grammar (grammatical) mistakes

2.some expressions are awkward causing misunderstanding strange in native speakers' eyes (I am not, but I can feel, hehe)

3.some words and phrases are improper

4.structure can be improved

some suggestions:

Some people demonstrate(insist or argue) that teachers should take the responsibility for motivating students to learn, but from my perspective this point is thoroughly jeopardizing the education system (or whatever)(it is a verb, cannot be used here). It is impossible to make teachers (be) responsible for all developments of students (in) mentally and physically. Teachers are sources from which students (can) get knowledges not masters (from my understanding u mean “God”) who (should) create(s) the kind of students.(this sentence is awkward)
            (I do not understand what u want to express)

  According to my understanding about the learning system, students only can motivate themselves undoubtedly(don’t understand why use this word), no matter in class or out of class. If students would not like to study by themselves, no one can change even help their habits(maybe “help them change their habits” is better). I am (was) a best example for(of) this case. Biology course is (was) my least favorite couse when I was in middle school, because I do(am) (was) not interested in understanding (“studying” is better I think)the behaviors and minds of animals. My biology teacher, class advisor and my parents ever tried to help me aware(aware is an adj, use realize) how important (the)
            (no article before a kind of Subject like match & physics) biology is (was). The consequence is (was) there is (was)(wrong tense) barely great (if I were u I would like to use “significant”) impact on me. Fortunately after ownning a pet, I became to increase my interesting on
            (interest in)animals, then I changed my mind about biology (couse),
            and thought it is (was)
            worth to learn(worth learning).

  Subsequently(improper use)(maybe u want to say “consequently”), teachers help students to confirm  knowledges they get credible(awkward and difficult to understand), but not
            creat styles of students(awkward). For instance, if mathematics  teachers motivate Bill to reaserch math, there perhaps won't be(虚拟语气要用would not be) Microsoft Kingdom. Furthermore(in other words), teachers are guiders not commanders. Teachers have no sense to command students to learn something they are not volunteer (willing) to do. Students need to be (properly) guilded but not aggressively (passively) lead. 

  Last, because currently the profession of teacher is already endowed with so many burdens that teachers have no enough energy to concentrate on student's (students’) motivation. Some parents hope that teachers can be more care about whether their students study hard and seriously, but they forget teachers need to prepare course(redundant) lecture and revise (mark) assgiments. Those are definitely more actual responsible (responsibilities) for teachers. 

  Consequently, I cast doubt on the statement that teachers are responsible for motivating students learn. Obviously students should learn to motivate themselves, because that is the key factor due to (indicating)
            whether they will sucsse in the furture.

luckg

非常感谢

littlehen

1.there are some grammar mistakes

2.some expressions are strange in native speakers' eyes (I am not, but I can feel, hehe)

3.some words and phrases are improper

4.structure can be improved

some suggestions:

Some people demonstrate(insist or argue) that teachers should take the responsibility for motivating students to learn, but from my perspective this point is thoroughly jeopardize(it is a verb, cannot be used here). It is impossible to make teachers be responsible for all developments of students (in) mentally and physically. Teachers are sources from which students can get knowledges not masters who should create the kind of students.(this sentence is awkward)

  According to my understanding about the learning system, students only can motivate themselves undoubtedly(don’t understand why use this word), no matter in class or out of class. If students would not like to study by themselves, no one can change even help their habits(maybe “help them change their habits” is better). I am a best example for(of) this case. Biology course is my least favorite couse when I was in middle school, because I do(am) not interested in understanding the behaviors and minds of animals. My biology teacher, class advisor and my parents ever tried to help me aware(aware is an adj, use realize) how important the biology is. The consequence is there is(wrong tense) barely great impact on me. Fortunately after ownning a pet, I became to increase my interesting on
            (interest in)animals, then I changed my mind about biology couse and thought it is worth to learn(worth learning).

  Subsequently(improper use), teachers help students to confirm  knowledges they get credible(awkward and difficult to understand), but not
            creat styles of students(awkward). For instance, if mathematics  teachers motivate Bill to reaserch math, there perhaps won't be(虚拟语气要用would not be) Microsoft Kingdom. Furthermore(in other words), teachers are guiders not commanders. Teachers have no sense to command students to learn something they are not volunteer to do. Students need be guilded but not aggressively lead. 

  Last, because currently the profession of teacher is already endowed with so many burdens that teachers have no enough energy to concentrate on student's motivation. Some parents hope that teachers can be more care about whether their students study hard and seriously, but they forget teachers need to prepare course(redundant) lecture and revise assgiments. Those are definitely more actual responsible for teachers. 

  Consequently I cast doubt on the statement that teachers are responsible for motivating students learn. Obviously students should learn to motivate themselves, because that is the key factor due to whether they will sucsse in the furture.

sunwing

有些句子看不太懂

要是短语有拿不准的地方可以加“”到google里搜索

单词可以查金山词霸的例句

如第一句里demonstrate就可以查查字典里都是怎么用的

[此贴子已经被作者于2006-10-24 15:38:07编辑过]

suteki123

帮顶

山衔落日

对作文不太在行，而且楼主写得的确不错，帮顶一下。欢迎大家来评论一下，尤其是同样需要别人评论文章的朋友，可以和楼主互相讨论。

luckg

请大家尽量点批，用力批评

Some people demonstrate that teachers should take the responsibility for motivating students to learn, but from my perspective this point is thoroughly jeopardize. It is impossible to make teachers be responsible for all developments of students in mentally and physically. Teachers are sources from which students can get knowledges not masters who should create the kind of students.   

  According to my understanding about the learning system, students only can motivate themselves undoutedly, no matter in class or out of class. If students would not like to study by themselves, no one can change even help their habit. I am a best example for this case. Biology course is my least favorite couse when I was in middle school, because I do not interested in understanding the behaviors and minds of animals. My biology teacher, class advisor and my parents ever tried to help me aware how important the biology is. The consequence is there is barely great impact me. Fortunately after ownning a pet, I became to increase my interesting on animals, then I changed my mind about biology couse and thought it is worth to learn.

  Subsequently, teachers help students to confirm  knowledges they get credible, but not creat styles of students. For instance, if mathematics  teachers motivate Bill to reaserch math, there perhaps won't be Microsoft Kingdom. Furthermore, teachers are guiders not commanders. Teachers have no sense to command students to learn something they are not volunteer to do. Students need be guilded but not aggressively lead.  

  Last, because currently the profession of teacher is already endowed with so many burdens that teachers have no enough energy to concentrate on student's motivation. Some parents hope that teachers can be more care about whether their students study hard and seriously, but they forget teachers need to prepare course lecture and revise assgiments. Those are definitely more actual responsible for teachers. 

  Consequently I cast doubt on that teachers are responsible for motivating students learn. Obviously students should learn to motivate themselves, because that is key factor due to whether they
            will sucsse in the furture.