sajjuan的原创作业贴~写作是门技术活，得好好写

sajjuan · 发表于 2014-3-19 15:22:13

第一次参加写作小分队，忙到这个点，突然意识到时间不多了，题目左看右看却写不满300字，请帮忙修改的小伙伴原谅我，写作方面我特别需要加强，也期待各方的意见，努力，加油。

sajjuan · 发表于 2014-3-19 15:26:35

3.18独立写作For a business to be successful, more money must be put in advertising

In the informationize society, Information transmit very fast, to make a business more success, it’s better to focus on the business itself rather than the advertising.
High amount of advertising means high cost, consumers know. At the big data age, people can get most information very easy and fast, a good business with competition price will easy attract people’s attention even without too much advertising. Advertising may make the business more quickly known by the business world, normally, we can find thousands of business in the market, but the one can last long and make profits can not reply on the advertising, but the business itself, and the price is a key issue for the success of the business.
A good business should has competitive cost, high quality business body and good marketing strategy. It surely can not be done by the advertising alone.
Proper advertising is good for publicity of the business, but over advertising may lead the adversary effect, consumers may consider that because the business is not good, then advertise a lot. Such effect hurts the confidence of the customers toward to the business.
In short, I think to make a business success, it’s better to focus on the business itself rather than advertising.

sweetyecho · 发表于 2014-3-19 21:19:03

蓝色为错误或者疑惑，红色为修改，高亮为精彩

In the informationize society, Information transmit transmits very fast, (后面的那一个短句应该是一个完整的句子，所以前面这个逗号应该用句号，是不？)to make a business more success, it’s better to focus on the business itself rather than the advertising.
High amount of advertising means high cost, （这里是不是要加上as）consumers know. At the big data age, people can get most 这里不能用最高级吧可改为a large quantity of information very easy easily and fast, a good business with competition competitive price will easy easily attract people’s attention even without too much advertising. Advertising may make the business more quickly known by the business world, normally, we can find thousands of business in the market, but the one 这里是不是要变成一个定语从句:can last long和make profits的企业不能rely on blablabla can last long and make profits can not reply on the advertising, but the business itself, and the price is a key issue for the success of the business.
A good business should has have competitive cost, high quality business body and good marketing strategy. It surely can not be done by the advertising alone.
Proper advertising is good for publicity of the business, but over advertising may lead the adversary effect, consumers may consider that because the business is not good, then advertise a lot. Such effect hurts the confidence of the customers toward to to删去the business.
In short, I think to make a business success, it’s better to focus on the business itself rather than advertising.

亲亲，你写句子的功力好棒，内容不够是不是因为没有举栗子？举栗子后还能分析一下例子blablabla，这样的话词数肯定就妥妥啦！还有一个小问题就是标点符号，一个完整的句子写完就用"." 如果用","可能会让读者有误解哦~~~一起加油！

sajjuan · 发表于 2014-3-19 22:45:45

sweetyecho 发表于 2014-3-19 21:19
蓝色为错误或者疑惑，红色为修改，高亮为精彩

In the informationize society, Information t ...

非常谢谢echo，真的好细致呢，我回头再根据上面亲爱的echo标示滴好好修改修改。

hug:

sajjuan · 发表于 2014-3-20 13:49:22

sweetyecho 发表于 2014-3-19 21:19
蓝色为错误或者疑惑，红色为修改，高亮为精彩

In the informationize society, Information t ...

At the information era, Information transmits very fast, to make a business more success, it’s better to focus on the business itself rather than the advertising.
High amount of advertising means high cost, as consumers know. At the big data age, people can get a large quantity of information very easily and fast, a good business with competitive price will easily attract people’s attention even without too much advertising. Advertising may make the business more quickly known by the business world, normally, we can find thousands of business in the market, but the one that can last long and make profits can not reply on the advertising, but the business itself, and the price is a key issue for the success of the business.
A good business should have competitive cost, high quality business body and good marketing strategy. It surely can not be done by the advertising alone.
We all know that Whatsapp, a smartphone app which has no advertising at all but with 450million users per month, attracts Facebook to spent 19billion dollar to buy. The deal itself is the best advertising, we do not even spend a coin on it, people all around the world know Whatsapp and Facebook more at that moment.
Proper advertising is good for publicity of the business, but over advertising may lead the adversary effect, consumers may consider that because the business is not good, then advertise a lot. Such effect hurts the confidence of the customers toward the business.
In short, I think to make a business success, it’s better to focus on the business itself rather than advertising.

亲爱滴echo，我按照你的意见修改了一下哦，虽然字数还是不够，栗子暂时聚不出来，下次会再努力，谢谢谢谢！！！加油加油！！

sweetyecho · 发表于 2014-3-20 16:28:46

sajjuan 发表于 2014-3-20 13:49
At the information era, Information transmits very fast, to make a business more success, it’s be ...

好棒！！！感觉流畅多了，Whatsapp的栗子举得很贴切，赞赞赞~~~

sajjuan的原创作业贴~写作是门技术活，得好好写

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

正在浏览此版块的会员 ()