新人啊。。求拍

kao154 · 发表于 2013-4-10 17:11:38

完了完了。。快考试了才发现这个神站。。写作垃圾的要死。。求轻拍

As the competition becomes more conflict, the problem to select a jobs for children bothered the parents a lot. According to a research in the internet, 65% parents who participated tend to choose the family jobs for their children. I think that is not a good idea. I will cast doubt on that with fully examples below.

In our life, we have many meaningful things to do. The most vital one is doing what we like. If the family job is not our test and you have to take it somehow, imagine you will spend your almost life on the boring things. As my view point, you can benefit a lot form doing what you like in spite of whether it is the family job. When people do their interest thing, it will inspire the innovation and may open the new gate to the next revolution of art or science. Such as many people who worked on IT witch they love most lead the explosion of internet eventually.

In addition, taking the job similar to parents limited the horizon of the children. In our society, horizon is more important than experience or anything else. You can do better if you see more in many jobs. The editor of a web must be a net bug or they even don’t know where to start with. In the other words, the advantage of taking family decreased because of the variation demand of jobs and knowledge.

Some parents argue that they have the experience on the family work and they can pass it to their children in case of the children may make mistake. I can understand the motion of the parents to protect their children. But the protection will destroy the courage of children to face problems. Even parents full of experience, but the percentage the children take it is still a unstable element. There are many children who have an experienced family but failed in the field where they were good at. And the children did not have courage to face the fail, never give up again.

In the end, I will emphasize that taking a family jobs can make you start quickly but harmful to the development of your own life. As I mention, the best job you will take depend on your interest and the knowledge you have.

kao154 · 发表于 2013-4-10 18:36:37

本人还没加入小分队。。怎么加入啊。。。求人搭咕下啊

kao154 · 发表于 2013-4-10 21:04:37

4月10号Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
If children want to do well in school, parents should limit the hours of watching TV programs or movies。

As the boom of digital devices, tv become the basic electrical equipment of family. And the programs on tv effect the family numbers a lot especially the children. Most children hold the point that children should not be limited the hours of watching tv programs and movies. Because of some programs offered the background of complex science theory. But I disagree with that point for many reasons. I will describe the reasons with examples above.

Although tv programs can teach children some background of complex theory, but there also have negative effect on children especially in behavior. The children will learn some criminal thought from the program even from the news. If the children addict to the criminal thought, they will become more aggressive and no way to talk about do well in study. The news about teenager criminal always be seen at the internet. Where did they learned it, must on the tv.  So the parents limit the children watching tv is a wise choice.

Additionally, watching tv can harm to the eyes. The statistics of a school shows that 50% student troubled by the poor sight witch not only inconvenient but also affect the efficiency of study.  The directly conclusion of this demonstrate that parents need to avoid the children using eyes in a wrong way or using too much. Watching tv is on the wanted list. My little brother watched tv every day when he was a child. When he got the primary school, he already wore a glass with 300 degrees.

In the end, I want argue that watching tv can waste lots time. No matter what you are watching, the program must last 20 minutes at least. What you can learn from the program is less than what you can gain from reading. As the river comes from every drops, ocean comes from every rivers, gathering the every 20 minutes to read or learn something truly helpful, will make you do better in school. Just as many success men, such as Jiancheng Li, he attributed the success to using every coffee time to learn.

To sum up, watching tv is a relax activity of adult, but to children, watching tv is more harmful than benefilal. So I strongly suggest parent shouldn’t give much freedom to the children to watch tv,. They can do more meaningful things during the tv time.

gobelieve · 发表于 2013-4-11 00:09:50

4月10号Independent Writing修改建议
红色字体为错误，蓝色部分是没错，我的一些建议+写得好的地方！
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
If children want to do well in school, parents should limit the hours of watching TV programs or movies。

As the boom of digital devices, tv(我记得新东方老师说过最好不要用缩写，我觉得如果tv programs的话缩写还说的过去，单独说电视的话还是写television吧。后面的不逐个标注了。) (+has时态！) become the basic electrical equipment of family(families). And the programs on tv effect(affect) the(可删去，不需要特指) family numbers(members) a lot(+,) especially the children. Most children(这里主语我觉得不是太合适，people好些) hold the point that children should not be limited (+on。这个地方我觉得需要注意一下：就是你用了被动语态，但是你现在这样写有歧义，是children被limited呢还是hours被limited呢？) the hours of watching tv programs and movies. Because of (删去of。because+句子；because of+名词) some programs offered the background of complex science theory.(这个地方不是一个完整的句子，建议和前面的连起来。) But I disagree with that point for many reasons. I will describe the reasons with examples above.(这两个句子我觉得有点单调，虽然没有错误，但是你可以看看一些范文，写得灵活一些！)

Although tv programs can teach(感觉teach background这个用法不太地道？) children some background of complex theory, but there also have(there is。不能用there have这个是错的！) negative effect on children(+,) especially in (+their) behavior. The(不是特指，去掉the就可以) children will learn some criminal(我觉得用evil更好哦) thought from the program even from the news. If the children addict to(get addicted to) the criminal thought, they will become more aggressive and no way to talk about do well in study.(,not mention/let alone performing well in study更好。no way to talk这个是不地道的。) The news about teenager criminal(应该不是这个样说，有个专业的词组我也是之前看了一个范文里面用的，你可以记一下：juvenile delinquent) always be(can be seen) seen at(on) the internet. Where did they learned it, must on the tv.(这个句子太中式英语了呀！)  So the parents limit(limitting) the children watching tv is a wise choice.
*我把你的后面几句稍微改写了一下你看看这样会不会好一点？当然我水平也有限仅供参考吧*
As news involving juvenile delinquency is widely seen in television programs and children are easily addicted to some evil thoughts, no doubt that television programs and movies are the first to blame. Under this circumstance, it is wise for parents to pose a limitation on the hours children watch television.

Additionally, watching tv can harm to(直接harm就行或者说do harm to/ be harmful for) the eyes. The statistics of a school shows(show) that 50% student troubled(have trouble in/are troubled with) by the poor sight witch(which) not only inconvenient but also affect the efficiency of study.(not only but also前后的元素要“平行”，就是都是adj或者都是动宾这样...可以说not only inconvinent but also inefficient in studying)  The directly conclusion of this demonstrate(s) that parents need to avoid the(去掉或者改成thier) children using eyes in a wrong way or using too much. Watching tv is on the wanted list.(←这个句子真不错！简单生动~但是建议能够加个连词，因为这样有点突兀，衔接不上。) My little brother watched tv every day when he was a child. When he got the(entered/attended/got to) primary school, he already wore a glass with 300 degrees(眼镜的度数不是degrees，我也是刚刚查了一下。300度是3*100屈光度，所以应该说3 diopters).(举例子很好！但是最好能把句子连起来，用一些更高级的句式会更精彩~)

In the end, I want(to) argue that watching tv can waste lots(lots of) time. No matter what you are watching,(我觉得还是有点中式英语，建议把这个句子调整一下。如Television programs are at least as long as 20 minutes with very few exceptions.我感觉用exceptions代替“no matter what you are watching”会更加简洁和明白) the program must last 20 minutes at least. What you can learn from the program is less than what you can gain from reading. As the river comes from every drops, ocean comes from every rivers,(比喻很精彩！) gathering the every 20 minutes to read or learn something truly helpful will make you(children更好) do better in school. Just as many success(successful) men, such as Jiancheng Li,(拼错啦嘻嘻，不过老外反正也看不懂的说^-^ ) he attributed the success to using every coffee time to learn.  (例子真是太棒了！！！！但是要是能说李嘉诚很少看电视而是将这些时间用来读书什么的明确一点会更加突出主题！有这么好的例子如果能更好的为主题服务就妙极了！我说的不对的话还请轻拍=。=)

To sum up, watching tv is a relax(relax是名词，这里应该用形容词relaxing) activity of adult, but to children, watching tv is more harmful than benefilal. So I strongly suggest (+that) parent(parents更好) shouldn’t give much freedom to the children to watch tv(on watching tv更好),. They can do more meaningful things during the tv time.(这个句子最好能和前面连接起来，既有你的观点又有你的理由，非常有说服力~注意这个地方they指代什么不是太清楚)

其实整体看的话我觉得楼主的思路和想法有30分的水平，尤其是举例和比喻非常出神入化，值得我学习！
美中不足是语言的表达还可以再提高一下，修饰一下，多多积累高级的句式句型，还有就是一些小错误不要再犯啦，你看看如果去掉一些低级错误的话红色部分几乎就没有了。
我的水平也比较有限，很多地方只是我的一点建议和想法，不对的地方还希望和楼主一起探讨。。

kao154 · 发表于 2013-4-11 10:45:42

gobelieve 发表于 2013-4-11 00:09
4月10号Independent Writing修改建议
红色字体为错误，蓝色部分是没错，我的一些建议+写得好的地方！
Do yo ...

谢谢亲。。从小语法题20个能错15个的路过啊。。。修改的好厉害啊。。努力学习中

gobelieve · 发表于 2013-4-11 12:26:51

kao154 发表于 2013-4-11 10:45
谢谢亲。。从小语法题20个能错15个的路过啊。。。修改的好厉害啊。。努力学习中 ...

我错了-_-#希望不会打击你的积极性额…共同交流一起进步。。。

kao154 · 发表于 2013-4-11 16:02:51

gobelieve 发表于 2013-4-11 12:26
我错了-_-#希望不会打击你的积极性额…共同交流一起进步。。。

不会啊。。改的的越多以后才能返错越少嘛。。

kao154 · 发表于 2013-4-12 00:43:42

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
Colleges and universities must do a better job preparation of the workplace for students.

There is a growing tendency for students to allocate jobs. So the preparation of the workplace which colleges and universities must do should be better than before to provide a chance for students to learn the basic skill to work.

Actually, the workplace that collages offered is the place where the students can learn something else except the knowledge told at classroom. They will learn how to use the theories to solve the practical problems even they have no willing to take a job. When I went to the workplace, I became a leader of a team to investigate the information which companies published. L learned how to be a leader which the teacher never told me and how to told the difference between two companies. As I suggest, the colleges should develop the workplace to make sure expanding the skills of students.

Let us get down to the fundamentals, and agree that the preparation of the workplace is vital for the students. The most important element of the view of an interviewee to decide whether the students can get a job is that how many experiences do they get. For example, my roommate received an offer from the IMB for he have the account experience in the workplace of the college. In the contrary, a roommate of mine who did better than him in the study failed in the competition of finding job. So the workplace where students can get experience of work seems more important than we think.

Of course, some people may argue that develop the workplace is a waste of money and time for the reason that students could find the chance to work out of school. This might be true, however, with the development of the workplace, the communication of students and professor will be bonded closely. At my school, the professor always participate the workplace to give the guidance to the students. Even there is some waste of money, the benefit which the workplace can give is undeniable.

To sum up, the development of workplace in colleges can improve the skill to work of students and banded the relationship of teachers between students and provide a advantage in finding jobs.

corneliaflower · 发表于 2013-4-12 18:03:08

我晚上回来给你改哦

kao154 · 发表于 2013-4-12 20:20:40

corneliaflower 发表于 2013-4-12 18:03
我晚上回来给你改哦

写完才发现我犯了跟你提的建议。。这是是不是的题。。不是行不行的题。。。。诶。。。

新人啊。。求拍

RE: 新人啊。。求拍

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

正在浏览此版块的会员 ()

浏览过的版块