Argue 92 尝试平实自由风，求指点！！

konatsu · 发表于 2012-11-19 15:44:05

Argument 92:
Workers in the small town of Leeville take fewer sick days than workers in the large city of Masonton, 50 miles away. Moreover, relative to population size, the diagnosis of stress-related illness is proportionally much lower in Leeville than in Masonton. According to the Leeville Chamber of Commerce, these facts can be attributed to the health benefits of the relatively relaxed pace of life in Leeville.

Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.

Time: 30min Words: 396
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In this argument, the author asserts that people in Leeville is more healthy than those in Masonton and contributes it to the relatively relaxed pace in Leeville. However, it suffers from several weak deductions.

In the first place, workers’ taking fewer sick days does not necessarily lead to better health conditions. In fact, companies and factories vary greatly in different area. Maybe the companies in Leeville are really strict in allowing sick leave. The workers who take sick days will lose their bonus for that year. Obviously in this case workers would not feel free to ask for leave even when they are sick. And comparatively those Masonton companies are more human-oriented. They permit sick leave and those workers would not lose much money for that. Consequently it will also bring about the result that Leeville workers take fewer sick days than Masonton, but it is uncertain on the health condition.

Moreover, referring to the stress-related illness, the diagnosis is proportionally lower in Leeville, however, we should also take those cases without being diagnosed into account. The rate of illness occurrence is not the only factor that contributes to the diagnosis rate. There are others. Since we know Leeville is a small town and Masonton is a large city, it is reasonable to think about a possibility that Masonton people have better conscious of their own health conditions. Also stress-related illness is mainly spiritual, which can be easily ignored without a careful sense. There are possibly not as many mental doctors in Leeville as that in Masonton. Therefore the Leeville people are not aware of their stress-related illness, and they can hardly turn to professional doctors. This can be a possible explanation for fewer diagnosis rate in Leeville.

In addition, assuming that it is true people in Leeville enjoy better health conditions that those in Masonton, is the relaxed pace the most essential? Actually people living a slower pace will be more peaceful in many cases, but that can be caused by other aspects, like the environment and the relationship between residents. Surrounded by fresh air, lucid water and kind-hearted neighbors and colleagues, people have a great tendency to be healthy both physically and mentally. What’s more, relaxed pace is not always beneficial. When life is slow, people walk slowly and think slowly. Sometimes it is the cause of obesity, just like the case in California.

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感觉题目中的纵向逻辑关系不怎么复杂，所以只有一次递进。先写fewer sick days的他因，再写lower diagnosis rate的他因，最后让步写原因不只relaxed pace。最后一句提到California应该没有问题吧？写得太随意了...如果有时间还是应该收拢一下结个小尾。之后看了另一篇A92，普渡哥提出人口结构、工作类型，的确这个也是可以考虑的。
看了一些AW经验，感觉的确把理由说透，说到常识层面比一句without ruling out the possibility that xxx 要舒服非常多。包括无夏也是用很基础的词汇，表达出了顺畅的思想。我一直看模板式的文章看得头疼，不会写那么华丽缠绕的词句，所以想努力形成简单平实的风格。
关于求改真的非常感谢竹林哥、普渡哥和其他的热心同学。希望自己以后研究得多一些，得到一些肯定之后，也来帮助大家。

竹林中人 · 发表于 2012-11-19 22:29:35

In this argument, the author assertsthat people in Leeville is more healthy than those in Masonton and contributes it to the relatively relaxed pace in Leeville. However, it suffers from several weak deductions.这句话建议跟题目后面要求里面的one or morealternative explanations有个回应

In the first place, workers’ taking fewer sick days does not necessarily leadto better health conditions. In fact, companies and factories vary greatly indifferent area. Maybe the companies in Leeville are really strict in allowingsick leave. The workers who take sick days will lose their bonus for that year.Obviously in this case workers would not feel free to ask for leave even whenthey are sick. And comparatively those Masonton companies are morehuman-oriented. They permit sick leave and those workers would not lose muchmoney for that. Consequently it will also bring about the result that Leevilleworkers take fewer sick days than Masonton, but it is uncertain on the healthcondition.

Moreover, referring to the stress-related illness, the diagnosis isproportionally lower in Leeville, however, we should also take those caseswithout being diagnosed into account. The rate of illness occurrence is not theonly factor that contributes to the diagnosis rate. There are others. Since we knowLeeville is a small town and Masonton is a large city, it is reasonable tothink about a possibility that Masonton people have better conscious of theirown health conditions. Also stress-related illness is mainly spiritual, whichcan be easily ignored without a careful sense. There are possibly not as manymental doctors in Leeville as that in Masonton. Therefore the Leeville peopleare not aware of their stress-related illness, and they can hardly turn toprofessional doctors. This can be a possible explanation for fewer diagnosisrate in Leeville.

In addition, assuming that it is true people in Leeville enjoy better healthconditions than those in Masonton, is the relaxed pace the most essential?Actually people living a slower pace will be more peaceful in many cases, butthat can be caused by other aspects, like the environment and the relationshipbetween residents. Surrounded by fresh air, lucid water and kind-heartedneighbors and colleagues, people have a great tendency to be healthy both physically andmentally. What’s more, relaxed pace is not always beneficial. When life isslow, people walk slowly and think slowly. Sometimes it is the cause ofobesity, just like the case in California
.建议作者重视instruction，因为这涉及到自己如何组织自己的内容和表述，不同的instruction对应着不同的表述方式和组织形式，比如ask question的，就要你指出存在的需要明确的问题，并指出如果没有相应的问题的解释，就会怎么样，而assumption类型的，就要你分析出题目中存在于依据和结论之前作者没有说出来的信息或者前提假设，然后再说没有这些assumption，会有什么样的其他的后果，evidence或者alter explanations的同样如此。
另外，结尾尽量要有吧，虽然我新东方老师说argu没结尾没什么影响，但最好还是有。ＬＺ对ＡＷ的体会还是很不错的，加油，如果有兴趣，可以加入我们的互改小组，方便更多的讨论

konatsu · 发表于 2012-11-19 23:15:11

In this argument, the author assertsthat people in Leeville is more healthy than those in Masonton and contributesit to the relatively relaxed pace in Leeville. However, it suffers from several weak deductions.这句话建议跟题目后面要求里面的one or morealternative explanations有个回应
…….建议作者重视instruction，因为这涉及到自己如何组织自己的内容和表述，不同的instruction对应着不同的表述方式和组织形式，比如ask question的，就要你指出存在的需要明确的问题，并指出如果没有相应的问题的解释，就会怎么样，而assumption类型的，就要你分析出题目中存在于依据和结论之前作者没有说出来的信息或者前提假设，然后再说没有这些assumption，会有什么样的其他的后果，evidence或者alter explanations的同样如此。
另外，结尾尽量要有吧，虽然我新东方老师说argu没结尾没什么影响，但最好还是有。ＬＺ对ＡＷ的体会还是很不错的，加油，如果有兴趣，可以加入我们的互改小组，方便更多的讨论

-- by 会员竹林中人 (2012/11/19 22:29:35)

嗯切题不准我写完也觉得了，太浮了，应该回应得更有针对性。谢谢竹林哥~(*￣▽￣*)
其实我这周末就考了啊哈哈（挠头.....两次3.5> <...所以我也不知道该用什么样的风格...如果ets还比较认可“说人话”，申请完就来给大家改作文~~

竹林中人 · 发表于 2012-11-20 09:00:34

In this argument, the author assertsthat people in Leeville is more healthy than those in Masonton and contributesit to the relatively relaxed pace in Leeville. However, it suffers from several weak deductions.这句话建议跟题目后面要求里面的one or morealternative explanations有个回应
…….建议作者重视instruction，因为这涉及到自己如何组织自己的内容和表述，不同的instruction对应着不同的表述方式和组织形式，比如ask question的，就要你指出存在的需要明确的问题，并指出如果没有相应的问题的解释，就会怎么样，而assumption类型的，就要你分析出题目中存在于依据和结论之前作者没有说出来的信息或者前提假设，然后再说没有这些assumption，会有什么样的其他的后果，evidence或者alter explanations的同样如此。
另外，结尾尽量要有吧，虽然我新东方老师说argu没结尾没什么影响，但最好还是有。ＬＺ对ＡＷ的体会还是很不错的，加油，如果有兴趣，可以加入我们的互改小组，方便更多的讨论

-- by 会员竹林中人 (2012/11/19 22:29:35)

嗯切题不准我写完也觉得了，太浮了，应该回应得更有针对性。谢谢竹林哥~(*￣▽￣*)
其实我这周末就考了啊哈哈（挠头.....两次3.5> <...所以我也不知道该用什么样的风格...如果ets还比较认可“说人话”，申请完就来给大家改作文~~

-- by 会员 konatsu (2012/11/19 23:15:11)

好，加油哦

[作文互改] Argue 92 尝试平实自由风，求指点！！

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