Iszy作文贴，^^,大家互帮互助，一起进步~~^^

Iszy · 发表于 2012-9-26 15:46:02

It's no doubt that the labor market today has been increasingly competitive. Finding a satisfied job seems so hard that if you aquire several job offers which have different pros and cons, you'll have to make a relatively pleasant decision among them. Confronted to choose between the low salary job allowing me staying with my family and friends and the high salary one but leaving them, I'll be inclined to the latter.

First of all, on my point of view, it can significantly help you become independent and mature. Given that you work in a new city without accompany of families and friends, you'll indispensably solve the problems on your own when confronting with them. And it's necessary for you to learn to take care of yourself under the circumstances in order to be healthy. In particular, building your own social network in a new environment is extremely essential which need you to pay lots of attention and efforts. All of those should be accomplished by your own. And it's quite possible that your independence and maturity will be strengthened in an astonishing rate through having such an experience.

Furthermore, it enables you to have a more ample and sufficient material life owing to your ability, and may provide you with a more promising and hopeful career simultaneously as it has a high salary. It's generally admitted that employers are willing to give an employee a high salary when he is thought to be worthy of. So a high salary to some extent means a more recognized value and a promising future in career. In addition, it obviously can help you have a more comfortable material life as it provides more money to you.

Admittedly, leaving your family and friends for this job might obstacle the communications between you and them. However, it can be easily settled if you use diverse modern communicating and electronic facilities to keep touching with them. For instance, you can chat with your friends whenever you want via your phone or the network used in your computer.

For the reasons presented above, I prefer to choose the high salary job though it requires me to leave my family and friends.

fuzhengrui · 发表于 2012-9-26 20:23:29

Iszy · 发表于 2012-9-26 21:34:59

我这里显示“非法途径”，下不了，不能看，麻烦可否在贴一次？非常感谢！！！

fuzhengrui · 发表于 2012-9-26 21:55:19

Iszy · 发表于 2012-9-26 22:25:00

谢谢啦！！！！！！！！！！！！！

最后一次杀T · 发表于 2012-9-26 22:34:49

黄色高亮为精彩绿色为需改动粉色为修改建议
It's no doubt that the labor market today has been increasingly competitive. Finding a satisfied job seems so hard that sometimes you'll have to make a relatively pleasant decision among several offered jobs.【sometimes we will have to take the suboptimal job offer. 我不能确定relatively pleasant decision是否正确，但是这句话本身有点罗嗦了，改后会显得简洁些。】 If I am forced to choose between the low salary job allowing me staying with my family and friends and the high salary one but leaving them, I'll be inclined to the latter.【allow sb. to do sth.】

First of all, on my point of view, it can significantly help you become independent and mature. Given that you work in a new city without accompany of families and friends, you'll indispensably solve the problems on your own when confronting with them. And it's necessary for you to learn to take care of yourself under the circumstances in order to be healthy. In particular, building your own social network in a new environment is extremely essential which need you to pay lots of attention and efforts. All of those should be accomplished by your own. And it's quite possible that your independence and maturity will be strengthened in an astonishing rate through having such an experience.

Furthermore, it enables you to have a more ample and sufficient material life owing to your ability, and may provide you with a more promising and hopeful career simultaneously as it has a high salary. It's generally admitted that employers are willing to give an employee a high salary when he is thought to be worthy of. 【when he is considered to be worthy of.】So a high salary to some extent means a more recognized value and a promising future in career. In addition, it obviously can help you have a more comfortable material life as it provides more money to you. 【替换词enable，或者改为it obviously offer you a more comfortable ......】

Admittedly, leaving your family and friends for this job might be an obstacle in the communications between you and them. However, it can be easily settled if you use diverse modern communicating and electronic facilities to keep touching with them. 【communication tools/ keep in touch with】For instance, you can chat with your friends whenever you want via your phone or the network used in your computer.

For the reasons presented above, I prefer to choose the high salary job though it requires me to leave my family and friends.总体不错，

用了很多副词【I like it

而且我也在尝试多用副词，学习了······】
但是又两个问题，

书面表达中，尽量不使用缩写，我就不逐个帮你改了。如I 'm, it's 等的，并不正式。小问题，注意下就好了。
我一般不使用you，而使用we来表达。因为第二人称在书面表达的时候有点突兀，显得不太礼貌。而说我们可以表达一种共性，而且回避了不礼貌的说法。这个是我的理解，欢迎讨论。

Iszy · 发表于 2012-9-26 23:57:57

谢谢，受益匪浅~~~~！！！！！！

请问一下，关于分组的，是横着并列摆着两个名字是一组吗？我太清楚我必须改谁的，可否告知一下改的具体规则？

我是要回改你的作文滴吗~~~~

最后一次杀T · 发表于 2012-9-27 07:54:08

是的··横着的是一组··

Iszy · 发表于 2012-9-27 23:27:45

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: Nowadays, it is much easier to achieve success with help from one's family than what is like before.10.29

花了较长的时间才写好的，字数：487

Assistances from our families to some extent have always been playing a role in part of people's careers making them be successful.However, the significance of these helps should never be exaggerated.Since never can we decide where we are born and bred, what is more important to us is that remembering the maxim that success always favors competent and capable people instead of ones who have a strong family background.

To begin with, the crucial factor making our lives more easily succeeded is our diverse valuable abilities asIalluded to above.Owning some outstanding ability is the basis of success.Supposed that we know a boy who have a powerful and wealthy family that is able to provide a nice job to him whereas he is ignorant and incompetent,worse than ever, getting addicted to drugs,do we think he will arrive success? On the contrary,a girl born in an extremely poor family in the countryside,but is eager to be successful and grab every chance to improve her ability,is there less possible for her to make it in the end? Obviously, answers for both questions are no. Therefore, sometimes it's unreliable to draw the conclusion that it's easier for ones having family's help to succeed without considering their own abilities.

In addition, the tendency for the contemporary society to pay more and more attention to fairness has been observed since it was generally accepted that equity helps promote harmony and generate more wealth. And it is easy to notice that not only the government but also most excellent companies in the world regard fairness as one of their main principles to select people for their core departments, like the famous Apple company, they equally treat all the applicants who are willing to join Apple and pick out ones they need excluding considering their family backgrounds.

Admittedly,if several people have the same level of ability,and one of them possess a much more effective help from her family,she is very likely to be more quickly and easily successful.However, what I want to emphasize on is that in any historical periods or human societies, people whose families are mighty enough that could easily assist them to succeed are in the minority.A bulk of beings are lack of such strong backgrounds,hence most of us aim for success nearly in the same starting line.

So,taking all of the above factors into account, I do not agree with the opinion that it is much easier to achieve success with the help from one's family than what is like before. What I do believe is that we will probably much more easily succeed only if we acquire some outstanding abilities under a fair-oriented society.

verchieldan · 发表于 2012-9-28 14:21:14

Assistances from our families to some extent have always been playing a role in part of people's careers making them（从语法上来看，在这里them
是指careers,最好改成people） be successful.However, the significance of these helps should never be exaggerated.Since never can we decide where we are born and bred, what is more important to us is that remembering the maxim that success always favors competent and capable people instead of ones who have a strong family background.（引用名言，写得很好）
To begin with, the crucial factor makesing our lives more easily succeeded is our diverse valuable abilities asIalluded(??不太清楚这个词啊) to above.Owning some outstanding ability is the basis of success.Supposed that we know a boy who have a powerful and wealthy family that is able to provide a nice job to him whereas he is ignorant and incompetent,worse than ever, getting addicted to drugs,do we think he will arrive success? On the contrary,a girl born in an extremely poor family in the countryside,but is eager to be successful and grabs every chance to improve her ability.,Iisthere less possible chance for her to make it in the end?(is 这一句前面要用句号，因为主句是 a girl, 从句是but, 就不能再加一句了) Obviously, answers for both questions are no. Therefore, sometimes it's unreliable to draw the conclusion that it's easier for one to shaveing family's help(？？这个词要表达什么) to succeed without considering their own abilities.
In addition, the tendency for the contemporary society to pay more and more attention to fairness has been observed since it was generally accepted that equity helps promote harmony and generate more wealth. And it is easy to notice that not only the government but also most excellent companies in the world regard fairness as one of their main principles to select people for their core departments, like the famous Apple company, they equally treat all the applicants who are willing to join Apple and pick out onesthey need equally excluding considering their family backgrounds.
Admittedly,if several people have the same level of ability,and one of them possess a much more effective help from her family,she is very likely to be more quickly and easily successful.However, what I want to emphasize on is that in any historical periods or human societies, people whose families are mighty enough that could easily assist them to succeed are in the minority.A bulk of beings are lack of such strong backgrounds,hence most of us aim for success nearly in the same starting line.
So,taking all of the above factors into account, I do not agree with the opinion that it is much easier to achieve success with the help from one's family than what is like before. What I do believe is that we will probably much more easily succeed only if we acquire some outstanding abilities under a fair-oriented society.

1.楼主的结构清晰，例子很恰当，我刚好选了与你相反的题目，不过被你说服了。。。

2.觉得整篇文章逻辑西路很清晰，很容易follow

3.让步的那一段写得很好

总之。。。觉得可以当范文了，很短语和表达我都计了下来，向你学习哦。

Iszy作文贴，^^,大家互帮互助，一起进步~~^^

文章问题不大见附件

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Hi,谢谢！但可否重新发送一次，下不了~~~！

本帖子中包含更多资源

Thanks~~~!看到了，所以我根据你建议修改了一些，哈哈，谢谢！

灰常感谢最后一次杀T！！！^^

9.27 独立作文，求指教~~~^^

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所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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Iszy作文贴，^^,大家互帮互助，一起进步~~^^

文章问题不大 见附件

本帖子中包含更多资源

Hi,谢谢！但可否重新发送一次，下不了~~~！

本帖子中包含更多资源

Thanks~~~!看到了，所以我根据你建议修改了一些，哈哈，谢谢！

灰常感谢~~最后一次杀T~~！！！^^

9.27 独立作文，求指教~~~^^

本帖子中包含更多资源

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

正在浏览此版块的会员 ()

文章问题不大见附件

灰常感谢最后一次杀T！！！^^