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TOEFL作文 求板砖

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楼主
发表于 2013-4-9 16:56:43 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式
Do you agree or disagree with the statementabout charge high tax for the smoking people and buying unhealthy food?
Currently , increasing number of people buyunhealthy food ,such as fried food ,like fried chicken ,by peddlers. And agrowing number of people smoking. Not only pollute our environment but also seta bad example for young people. Recently , some prestigious people appealgovernment to charge tax for those people. I definitely agree with that.
First and the foremost , the primacy aim toprevent people to buy those things. It is better to themself ,and  to government. In the common sense, unhealthyfood  and smoking is harm to our health.  There are a lot of disease ,even the mostdeteriorate   cancer ,are result from it. some medical magazine has done a lot of example to test that smoking peoplehad more  several times risk get cancerthan the people doesn’t. Viewed from this point, government did a wise decision.
Besides,  in the future, it will take more money onmedical cost than buying those things for the people .as we all know, we needto pay our debt which at the cost of our health. Clearly, medical cost is theone which we must to pay for. And recently , the price of medical is sharplyraising..  This trend will be going inthe future. we will have a heavy bag on our back. Just imagine , several yearslater, we need to  take care of ourchildren ,our parents, and need pay money cure our health as well. And ,ubiquitously,weneed money. It is a picture how sadness.
Last but not the least, government canbenefit from the high taxes . government can use those funds to the place ,likepublic education, help the children who can not attend university withoutenough money. finally contribute their efforts to public as another way.  For example, in our city, they provide nosquare for older people to exercise, no place for people to walking. Withoutthis problem if the government has enough money to built a square . this matter benefit the nation and the people shouldbe done .
In conclusion, charging high taxes isnecessary, because it can prevent them to buy the bad things, to relieve theburden on our back , to raise the taxes by government. So base on this reason,charge high taxes is imperative.
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沙发
发表于 2013-4-9 18:17:08 | 只看该作者
1 is harm to our health应是is harmful to,
2标点后面才要空格,而不是前面。
3齐头式的段乱之间应该空一行。
4 And agrowing number of people smoking. Not only pollute our environment but also seta bad example for young people. (这句话主语呢?)
5 finally contribute their efforts to public as another way.  这都不是一个句子啊,你的文章中很多这样的句子,其实主谓宾都不齐。写完记得读一读。建议你多看看满分作文的句子句式。
6It is better to themself ,and  to government.中间不要逗号了,显得前后意思断层了。
7theone which we must to pay for简单错误。
说实话,这篇文章问题好多。读起来很不顺。
板凳
 楼主| 发表于 2013-4-9 20:45:17 | 只看该作者
谢谢 ,我再改,再精进
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