第一次练笔issue，请各位大牛帮忙rating一下，希望得到大家的意见啊！谢谢

hukai901 · 发表于 2011-6-2 23:36:41

题目是企业应该更多参与进来帮助预防青少年犯罪

The speaker claims that businesses should get more involved in the helping to prevent juvenile crime since it becomes increasingly serious. At the first glance, the claim seems unreasonable simply because we seldom pay attention to the relationship between juvenile and businesses. But actually for more compelling argument, we find that businesses can contribute to this issue and benefit our society.

My first reason for favoring this issue is that, in contrast with social groups or juvenile fund, business is stronger in financial statues. Every year, businesses in a wild scope of sectors make huge profit. Even if these businesses just contribute a small portion of their revenue to support public good, many social issues can be well settled including the juvenile crime. Although some people may argue that it is social groups or non-governmental organizations that make contribution to the prevention of the problem, in fact, a majority of these groups are funded by business. That is to say, business is more eligible and capable to be involved in and to be centered on in the prevention of juvenile crimes. Based on their economic power, businesses can provide free community legal service to teenagers or launch educational projects aiming at reducing juvenile crime, and these action are sure to be effective ways to combat this thorny problem.

My second point is that business can have an extensive emotional influence on every generation due to their universality of existence. Under this circumstance, businesses, especially those of well reputation, can spill healthy lifestyles and positive values to the minds of our young generation. For example, world’s largest consumption goods producer, Procter & Gamble, launches project of “P&G University” in China every year to recruit future staff. With the reputation fully utilized, P&G promote its value of creativeness, leadership, integrating etc among those young people. If more Fortune 500 companies have such projects, juvenile can get more positive influences which can battle evil seeds of value, and then, prevent themselves from crimes.

In conclusion, business should get more involved in the helping to prevent juvenile crime. Not only because businesses have strong financial power, but also because they are more influential in values cultivation in today’s society.

xiaoqiaoli · 发表于 2011-6-5 17:10:26

一下是个人愚见，本人非N…..

The speaker claims that businesses should get more involved in the helping to prevent juvenile crime(感觉这里有点怪怪的，换个说法：should be more concerned about juvenile crime) since it becomes increasingly serious. At the first glance, the claim seems unreasonable simply because we seldom pay attention to the relationship between juvenile and businesses. But actually for more compelling argument, we find that businesses can contribute to this issue(感觉表达得有点模糊，可以试着加个定语从句什么的) and benefit our society.

My first reason for favoring this issue is that, in contrast with social groups or juvenile fund, business is stronger in financial statues(如果是我，我会写 financially stronger). Every year, businesses in a wild scope of sectors make huge profit. Even if these businesses just contribute a small portion of their revenue to support public good(换成issues 可能会更好些), many social issues(of them) can be well settled including the juvenile crime(放到前面去? 用插入语形式，social issues 和can be well settled). Although some people may argue that it is social groups or non-governmental organizations that make contribution to the prevention of the problem, in fact, a majority of these groups are funded by business. That is to say, business is more eligible and capable to be involved in and to be centered on in the prevention of juvenile crimes. Based on their economic power, businesses can provide free community legal service to teenagers or launch educational projects aiming at reducing juvenile crime, and these action are sure to be effective ways to combat this thorny problem.

My second point is that business can have an extensive emotional influence on every generation due to their universality of existence. Under this circumstance, businesses, especially those of well reputation, can spill (换个词？spill好像没有这种用法，Lz是否要表达宣传、传达的意思，我觉得可以用broadcast/spread) healthy lifestyles and positive values to the minds of our young generation. For example, world’s largest consumption goods producer, Procter & Gamble, launches project of “P&G University
” in China every year to recruit future staff. With the reputation fully utilized, P&G promote its value of creativeness, leadership, integrating etc among those young people. If more Fortune 500 companies have such projects, juvenile can get more positive influences which can battle evil seeds of value, and then, prevent themselves from crimes.

In conclusion, business should get more involved in the helping to prevent juvenile crime. Not only because businesses have strong financial power, but also because they are more influential in values cultivation in today’s society.

LZ的论述还是很不错的。

不过这个题目是说business 对juvenile crime 的作用，我觉得的第二个point 要再加上提高了青年的思想后对Juvenile crime的作用，就更好啦~~

然后如果有时间的话，LZ还可以再加上一个让步段，说business 对juvenile crime也会有反作用，这样就更好啦~~~

LZ加油哦~~~

hukai901 · 发表于 2011-6-7 19:24:43

哇！谢谢啊！很感动啊这么认真的给建议

第一次练笔issue，请各位大牛帮忙rating一下，希望得到大家的意见啊！谢谢

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