[求助]请NN帮忙修改TWE185

首篇作文，花25分钟写完。但是只有265个字，自我修改后成文如下。希望NN们多多指教，小女子拜谢~~

When it comes to the topic whether you will buy a house or a business when you have enough money, quite a few people claim that they will buy a house, while other people conceive a business as an ideal choice. Although sometime it seems difficult to determine which one overweighs the other, they deserve some close examination. As far as I am concerned, buying a business will be a better choice. There are three advantages for choosing a business as rendered below.

For one thing, owning a business is one of my permanently desired dreams. I studied business and foreign languages in the university, and joined an accounting firm after graduation. Frankly speaking, I am an ambitious woman with a clear and firm career goal, in which opening my own business and strengthening it is one of my final aims. I would like to have a company with its own culture, such as relaxed atmosphere, comfortable working environment, and high working efficiency.

In addition, a house is the symbol luxurious life, while a business is the token of hard working. As one of the most famous early writers said no pains no gains, we should use most time in our lives to work. What’s more, if we operate the business successfully, we will earn more money, by which we can buy houses, get education, and even go out for holidays.

The last but not the least, a company can not only make money for individual who operates it but also benefit the society and the country. For instance, a company provides job opportunities for potential employees, as well as pays amounts of taxes which support the country’s construction.

To sum up, I would agree that purchasing a business is a sagacious choice for me for several reasons, among them realizing my permanent dream, making more money, and contributing to society. It is true that a house will make my life more comfortable; however, taking into account all the factors discussed above, I would like to buy a business if I have sufficient money, and I will devote myself to make our life and country better.

When
it comes to the topic whether you will buy a house or a business when
you have enough money, quite a few people claim that they will buy a
house, while other people conceive a business as an ideal choice.
Although sometime it seems difficult to determine which one overweighs
the other, they deserve some close examination. As far as I am
concerned, buying a business will be a better choice. There are three
advantages for choosing a business as rendered below.

你的首段模式化太强啦！

首段修改

A choice of investment to a house or a business is not only a suggested way for us to read a person's attitude on money, but also to take a deep look at one's personality. It is safe to assume that a person with the conservative characteristics is invariably purchasing a house, while his adventurous counterpart would feel no hesitant to take a business, when they are respectively given adequate money. As for me, I am "bold" enough to merge or start a business.

For
one thing, owning a business is one of my permanently desired dreams（这里应表明的是做生意的好处，而不是你的理想）. I
studied business and foreign languages in the university, and joined an
accounting firm after graduation. Frankly speaking, I am an ambitious
woman with a clear and firm career goal, in which opening my own
business and strengthening it is one of my final aims. I would like to
have a company with its own culture, such as relaxed atmosphere,
comfortable working environment, and high working efficiency.

In
addition, a house is the symbol luxurious life, while a business is the
token of hard working. As one of the most famous early writers said no
pains no gains, we should use most time in our lives to work. What’s
more, if we operate the business successfully, we will earn more money,
by which we can buy houses, get education, and even go out for holidays.（缺乏例证）

The
last but not the least, a company can not only make money for
individual who operates it but also benefit the society and the
country. For instance, a company provides job opportunities for
potential employees, as well as pays amounts of taxes which support the
country’s construction.（缺乏例证）

谢谢LS兄台。偶一定再总结努力。

只是，这分数着实让我有点心寒啊：（