求助高人（在线等）

我写的 PS ，老板说我的语言太中国化了， 求助各位帮忙改改，不胜感激

I was born in a traditional family of China in 1982, family members loving each other. My father worked as a mathematical teacher in our country’s primary school from 1978 to 1988, and he taught me at home when I was young; therefore, I didn’t go to school until 1991. The concise and vivid way in which my father expressed mathematical ideas cultivated my initial loving of logic thinking.

During my life in Xinghua
                    Middle School, I belonged to the top 10% students in our class which contained about 60 members. Therefore, I selected Nanjing
                    University as my first choice, intending to study mathematics, because I thought I have a little talent to study mathematics. However, a fever during the college entrance examination destroyed my chance to study in Nanjing
                University, so I went to Yangzhou
                    University. Luckily, there were many excellent teachers in the math department of Yangzhou
                    University, especially Analysis teachers, Algebra teachers and Topology teachers. I liked discussing with my teachers on math problems, and they suggested me to extend my eyesight, and to read more classic math books. Therefore, I read some other books on Analysis and Topology from library. In retrospection, being a student star on campus due to my outstanding academic performance, I shall confidently say that academically, my life in Yangzhou
                    University was fairly successful. Devoted and hardworking, the average of all mathematic course grades of mine is the highest of all students (about 220 ones) in the Math Department, and the majority of my math courses got excellent. I won scholarships of the first prize and other scholarships during the 4 years. However, in no way was I the so-called “machine for examinations”. I was a main member of Students’ Union, I like playing basketball, and I like to take part in many other interesting activities such as performing on stage. I acted in a play for the graduation performance in 2002, and another one in 2004. It was my happiest time when I did my teaching practice in Shagou
                    Middle School as a leader of all the fellow students who did the teaching practice. We shared the happiest time with our students, studying, playing basketball and doing other interesting things, and there was no problem for me to teach. When I was leaving, my lovely students gave me a basketball with their signatures on it as a present, which moved me a lot, and that period of time shared with my students will cast a permanent memory in my heart.

When my undergraduate life was close to the end, I decided to continue to study math, intending to find a better environment, and my Algebra teacher, Li, Libing, also suggested me so. I selected Nanjing
                    University. It was professor You, Jiangong and two other teachers that interviewed us 6 students. There were 6 or 7 problems, mainly on Analysis, for each student to answer, and other 5 students used at least 20 minutes; however, it cost me no more than 10 minutes to finish.

I originally wanted to study Functional Analysis, but I am also interested in Algebra and Topology, so I finally decided to study Differential Geometry. Professor Wang, Hongyu suggested me to study after Dr. Mei, Jiaqiang, and I should give my special thanks for Professor Wang’s instruction and his help with my study. I learned a lot from Dr. Mei. He has not only taught me the professional knowledge but also shown me what the virtue and principle of being a researcher is.

During my postgraduate life, I took up many electives of math mainly on Geometry, Topology and Analysis, such as Manifolds and Geometry, Compact Riemannian Surface, Differential Topology, Lie groups and Lie algebra, Dynamics, and scored high in them, so the Master’s Excellent Scholarships of Nanjing University in 2005, an honor conferred to only the top 15% students, have been awarded to me in acknowledgement of my achievement. I was happy because the life in Yangzhou
                    University was not a waste of time, and it also strengthened my self-confidence. Therefore, I think the condition of environment is important, and given good environment, one can do well. In the later two years, I also attended several seminars such as Riemannian Geometry, Floer homology and Complex Algebraic Geometry, and two Summer School in Nanjing and Hong Kong respectively. My thesis is about Gromov’s famous conjecture on Betti number estimate of non-negatively curved manifolds, and my work is to improve the constant of the estimate. The main tools are spectral sequence, Morse theory of distance functions, and some comparison theorems, and I finally got better estimates. Although didn’t solve the conjecture, I learned how to do research and got deeper understanding of knowledge I learned before.

Deeply in love with math, I determine to pursue a Ph.D. degree. USA is not the only choice, since your university, which is one of the best universities in Asia, provides a better environment for doing research. I also know from my teachers that Professor Xu, Xingwang is a kind person and his work on Geometry, especially on Geometric Differential Equations, is excellent. During the days of the National Conference on Geometry and Analysis in Nanjing
                    University, I found that he was also very humorous. This is a more important reason why I want to pursue Ph.D. studies in the program of mathematics in your university. And a Ph.D. degree in prestigious department like yours is necessary to my devoted teaching and researching career.

有NATIVE说你的PS太
        中国化，我想是你的思路太中国化。你的PS总体感觉更象个NARRATIVE，但是，PS应该更象个ANALYTICAL WRITING。

其实呢，你的PS需要调整结构。很长，但是都是在摆事实。如果需要说服学校，你需要讲道理，或者让学校知道，因为你的经历，所以你正是他们需要的人才。呵呵，念书是投资，招生是生意。想想学校希望他们的PROSPECTIVE STUDENTS应该长的什么样子，再从自己的经历/背景中去找这些他们想要的好咚咚。

PARAGRAPH ONE：这个和你的申请有多大的关系？如果关系不大，把它DELETE就行了。我想，ADMISSION OFFICERS不会很关心你的家庭和父母的。YES？

ＰＡＲＡＧＲＡＰＨ　ＴＷＯ：这一大段放在PS中不是很合适的，对你的申请没有任何意义，
        因为THEY ARE ALL OLD STORIES THOUSANDS YEARS AGO AND THEREFORE BEAR NO WEIGHT IN ASSESSING YOUR APPLICATION。 IF I WERE THE OFFICER，I WILL SURELY BEGIN TO GAPE。TOO MANY DETAILS AND TRIVIALS IN YOUR PS， BUT THEY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR APPLICATION。

Ｐ　３，　４，　５　ＡＮＤ　６：
        这些段落基本上都是在自言自语，呵呵，我也有过这样的过程。TRUTH OFTEN HURTS，呵呵。你需要知道，录取的OFFICIALS需要什么。你的每一句话，每一件事，是否和你的申请有关系？是否对你的申请有帮助？写的时候多想想这些问题。

Ｐ７：　这段写的非常隐晦，EQUIVOCAL AND THEREBY WEAK IN ARGUING， OR CONVINCING YOUR SHOOL TO ACCEPT YOU。