请德克老师帮我看看...谢谢!!

题目: It has rencently been announced that a new restaurant my be built in your neighborhood .Do you support or oppose this plan?

谢谢德克老师了.按你的要求.选了一个简单点的题目.减少了字数..但是可能是因为刚开始写.时间的把握还是有点欠缺..请您帮我改改...看看文章存在些什么问题...

非常感谢!!

It is not rare to see that a growing number of people prefer to dine outside in our neighborhood, resulting in that numerous restaurants were built in our community recent years. There is an increasing awareness of both the positive and negative influences that building a new restaurant brings to our neighborhood. Some people believe that it may have some disadvantages, such as less public security and more noises. However, what I think is that people can share a more comfortable time together and benefit a lot as a result of a new restaurant.

No one will deny that the pressure of finding a job. A recent survey conducted by officials reveals that the demand of finding jobs is ten times more than the supply of it. Building a new restaurant will offer many job opportunities to the neighborhood, for the new restaurant must in a great need of waiters and waitresses. For instance, students nearby can do some part-time jobs in it to reduce some of their tuition loads. People who are idle can go and have a try in the new restaurant instead of staying at home and being afflicted with the feeling of useless.

Secondly, the new restaurant will provide people a high-quality environment to relax and entertain themselves with family members. Houses-wife can escape from the heavy work as preparing a big family dinner or tidying up after an at-home party. They will have more time to chat with their children or their husbands, enjoying the happiness of family, while waiters in the restaurant will complete all the serving.

Indeed, to build a new restaurant in a neighborhood will unavoidably bring some disadvantages along. With the opening of the new restaurant, more cars and people will appear in the community, making noises and lowering the public security of the neighborhood. People may not fall into asleep easily at night as they used to be because of the noise making by the new restaurant.

Considerable though the disadvantages that building a new restaurant in the neighborhood results in are, they can not compete with the benefits that it brings about, when the supply of job opportunities and the relaxation of it is taken into account. As far as I am concerned, I support the plan of building a new restaurant in our neighborhood. Thus we can have a more comfortable and beneficial life in our community in the future.

能说说这篇文章有些什么问题吗?如果您有时间的话,能帮我仔细改改吗?

还有,我开头总觉得自己写不好..想一个背景出来很牵强..有什么方法吗?

谢谢~

今天晚上帮你改

白天没有时间

好的..谢谢~

It is not rare to see that a growing number of people prefer to dine outside in our neighborhood, resulting in that numerous restaurants were(were在这里多余了) built in our community recent years. There is an increasing awareness of both the positive and negative influences that building a new restaurant brings to our neighborhood. Some people believe that it may have some disadvantages, such as less public security and more noises. However, what I think is that people can share a more comfortable time together and benefit a lot(people benefit a lot?应该是be benefited a great deal吧) as a result of a new restaurant.

No one will deny that the pressure of finding a job(这里的第一句来得过于的陡峭,你需要在每段的开头说明你该段的中心,所以,我建议你写:For one thing, a new restaurants will, as no doubt, provide people around with some employee opportunities, which will diminish the employee pressure in our neighborhood more or less.). A recent survey conducted by officials reveals that the demand of finding jobs is ten times more than the supply of it. Building a new restaurant will offer many job opportunities to the neighborhood, for the new restaurant must in a great need of waiters and waitresses. For instance, students nearby can do some part-time jobs in it to reduce some of their tuition loads. People who are idle can go and have a try in the new restaurant instead of staying at home and being afflicted with the feeling of useless.(这段整体还是比较流畅,最后一句似乎需要改一下,people who are idle can go and have a try in the newly built restaurant instead of wasting time at home and suffering the feeling of being useless.)

Secondly, the new restaurant will provide people a high-quality environment to relax and entertain themselves with family members. Houses-wives can escape from the heavy work as preparing a big family dinner or tidying up after an at-home party. They will have more time to chat with their children or their husbands, enjoying the happiness of family, while waiters in the restaurant will complete all the serving.(我一直都建议用实例来支撑论点.这里就可以编一个例子,你可以说:It will suffice to mention aunt, a typical house-wife who has to face tons of house work every day. Fortunately, in her neighborhood, there is a fantastic restaurant which offers delicious food. Thanks to this restaurant, she is saved so many miseries, say, cooking meals, doing dish washing and worrying about how to make every meal different and good-taste. Seeing the merits of restaurant, my mother invariably repeats that why not build a restaurant like this in our neighborhood? )

Indeed, to build a new restaurant in a neighborhood will unavoidably bring some disadvantages along. With the opening of the new restaurant, more cars and people will appear in the community, making noises and lowering the public security of the neighborhood. People may not fall into asleep easily at night as they used to be because of the noise making by the new restaurant.

Considerable though the disadvantages that building a new restaurant in the neighborhood results in are, they can not compete with the benefits that it brings about, when the supply of job opportunities and the relaxation of it is taken into account. As far as I am concerned, I support the plan of building a new restaurant in our neighborhood. Thus we can have a more comfortable and beneficial life in our community in the future.

(整体的水平还是维持在一个不错的层次上.我希望你可以用一些更好一点的短语和词汇,为文章添加highlights.毕竟过于平淡还是不好,需要有一点个性.从你的文章中,我还是可以依稀的看到一些模版的影子.BTW,我不是老师)

谢谢你..我会继续努力的..尽量改进..

我比较弱的一点就是词汇比较匮乏..这篇文章的确是模范了一些例子...是不是模版味太浓了?

辛苦你了..我会仔细研究你帮我改的部分的...听从你的意见..继续练习...

在该区置顶的帖子中，有我的修改的连接

在iBT区里边，也有我关于写作的帖子

你可以看一看，有不少的替换和句型