作文求拍：政府应该把钱投入到艺术方面还是应该把钱投资在运动方面

写的是5月4日的机经：政府应该把钱投入到艺术方面还是应该把钱投资在运动方面，比如国家奥林匹克队什么的。

请大家帮忙看看，可以的话，帮偶改改吧。谢谢啦！

During every financial year, the Congress authorizes the government to invest money in various programs such as education, public traffic, and scientific research. It is the financial aid from the government that promotes these programs to make great progresses. The financial capability is limited, however, so it is necessary for the government to evaluate these programs, and then choose the most valuable and urgent ones to invest. From this point of view, the government should invest money in sports rather than art, because the former can enhance the loyalty of citizens and benefit the whole society.

    Supporting sports, especially the competitive sports, is quite helpful to enhance the validity of the government. In ancient times, nations usually got their territories through wars against neighbors and then protected them from aggressions. It means that the ancient government more often than not got its authority from battles against enemies. Considered as another form of wars, namely modern battles without smoke of gunpowder, sports have the similar function to enforce the authority. In 2004 Olympic Games, for example, when the young runner Liu Xiang won his champion in Greece, beating his opponents from other countries, the Chinese people all over the world celebrated it as a national victory. It gave rise to great national pride of Chinese, thereby causing them to love their country much more and strengthen the loyalty to the government.

    Moreover, investing money in sports will benefit the whole society rather than a small group of people. Along with the improvement of the standard of living, more and more people are concerning themselves with health problems. If the government pay more attention to add new sports equipments or repair them in time in parks, communities and some other public places, people will be attracted to exercise more often. Consequently, the civic healthy condition is much likely to improve. Even the life span may extend considerably. Though it will be a huge payout to carry this plan out in the whole country, it is worth doing with a view to its great social effects.

    Indeed, art activities need governmental support to develop themselves and it is obvious that investing in arts can enrich the social life and improve the aesthetic faculties of citizens. But when the governmnet have to choose one to invest, it is wise to support sports first.

来了

During every financial year, the Congress authorizes the government to invest money in various programs such as education, public traffic, and scientific research, etc. It is the financial aid from the government that promotes these programs to make great progresses(strides,表示进展大). The financial(政府在财政方面的应该用fiscal这个词,而不是financial) capability is limited, however, so it is necessary for the government to evaluate these programs, and then choose the most valuable and urgent ones to invest (in). From this point of view, the government should invest money in sports rather than art, because the former can enhance the loyalty(体育和忠诚有关???) of citizens and benefit the whole society.

    Supporting sports(supporting sports是什么意思?), especially the competitive sports, is(复数are) quite helpful to enhance the validity of the government. In ancient times, nations usually got their territories through wars against neighbors and then protected them from aggressions. It means that the ancient government more often than not(more often than not这个表达长了点,放在句子中间可能会影响到别人的阅读,所以,你要用这个短语的话,最好把它放在句子的末端)
            got its authority from battles against enemies. Considered as(这是一个很典型的错误:consider后面直接接名词/形容词,不加as.如果要加as,可以把consider改为deem) another form of wars, namely modern battles without smoke of gunpowder, sports have the similar function to enforce the authority. In 2004 Olympic Games, for example, when the young runner Liu Xiang won his champion in Greece, beating(defeating) his opponents from other countries, the Chinese people all over the world celebrated it as a national victory.(这里可以加一句:因为体育的胜利,在某种程度上,被认为是一个国家的胜利,所以人们自豪) It gave rise to great national pride of Chinese, thereby causing them to love their country much more and strengthen the loyalty to the government.(这个论点,很不好.过于的国家化.ETS不太喜欢把TOEFL写作上升到国家的层面上.这个论点是不可否认的正确的,但是我还是建议不用.)

    Moreover, investing money in sports will benefit the whole society rather than a small group of people. Along with the improvement of the standard of living, more and more people are concerning themselves with health problems(health problems, say, overweight, begin to harass a multitude of people more frequently. Therefore, something must be done to stop the harassment). If the government pay more attention to add new sports equipments or repair them in time in parks, communities and some other public places, people will be attracted to exercise more often.(把运动的好处罗列一下,这样对论点的支撑会更好) Consequently(As a result在这里更好), the civic healthy condition is much likely to improve. Even the life span may extend considerably. Though it will be a huge payout to carry this plan out in the whole country, it is worth doing with a view to its great positive social effects.

Indeed, art activities need governmental supports to develop themselves and it is obvious that investing in arts can enrich the social life and improve the aesthetic faculties of citizens. But when the governmnet have to choose one to invest, it is wise to support sports first.

(整体还是很不错的,就是第一个论点,最好换一下.需要提醒的是:TOEFL作文里边最好不要体现:国家荣誉感,民族自尊感.这些东西都是作为一个中国人必须的,但是,写作文的时候,搞得不好就会被认为有国家优越感,民族优越感,这样就麻烦了.所以,国家,政治,宗教信仰,人种这类的东西,都统统避免.ETS也不会出和这些有关的题目)