纯小白，申请msa，第一篇PS第一稿，求拍求指导！

munaiyipop · 发表于 2011-9-26 22:37:39

各位CDer~我准备申请明年的msa，自己DIY。这是刚刚写好的PS，是按照NIU的要求写的。他要求写一页纸，没有题目，只是说是statement of purpose或者是goal statement，我写了一页半，需要大幅精简。憋了好几天终于写好了初稿，麻烦各位牛人、各位酱油哥给点批评、意见和建议吧~~~~~ 我完全是小白，不知道自己写的这个到底离人家要的有多远。谢谢大家了！！

Becoming an industrialistis my dream. My father was a gifted accountant and he owns the largestlandscape gardening company in our province. He shows me the importance ofaccounting knowledge in running a business and the greatness of industrialists.When he builds a park, he does not only create a place of greenery, but offersa large rang of working opportunities for the jobless, a peaceful shelter from urbanpressure and his own contribution of making earth a beautiful planet to live in.He is who I want to be – an entrepreneur of integrity and responsibility. Tomake this happen, pursuing a Master of Accounting degree in NIU is my firststep to take. The LMAS could equip me with solid base of financial management skillswhich are the keys to business success and a ticket to Major CPA firms whichcould polish my soft skills, sharpen my insights into industries, build me awider network and thus, prepare me to arrive at my final destination – Becomingthe owner of an influential company.

I was born as a leader.I led my elementary school basketball team to get the district champion; tookcharge of different kinds of study groups in high school and get A+s and As; organizedcountless class travelling and head my class to get college-level awards inteam dancing, mini Olympics, group singing and so on so forth. In the summer of2009, I teamed up a group of ten people to investigate residents` knowledge ofShanghai EXPO 2010 and advertised it in Xi`an by the name of our businessschool and Shanghai College Student Summer Activity Union. As the team leader,I know my team members so well that I can release the potential of everyone. Igot creative artists to make fancy videos and PPT, smart coordinators (myself)to find and negotiate with cooperators (including TV station, journalists,companies, communities and government branches), passionate orator to givepublic speeches and talent journalists to write articles and survey reports. Aswe stepped further, we worked more closely and efficiently because, based on periodic accomplishments,teammates like their jobs and trust my decisions. Of course I didn`t let themdown. Our team won the Excellent Team in Shanghai College Student SummerActivity Contest and our stories are televised by TV station of our provinceand reported by the biggest local newspaper.

I am also the very candidate for accountancy. My internship in China CITIC Bankdemonstrates my capacity to distinguish myself in detail oriented jobs whilegetting to know more about the whole system behind a bank teller`s daily routine.Under the 2-months training of my teller mentor, using her teller account, Icould handle all kinds of transactions in business service department withaverage speed and 0% error rate. Surprised by my high-above-expectationperformance, my mentor Yu Ling even asked if I need her recommendation for afull-time offer after graduation, but I turned down her goodness for higher ambition.In addition, I have the strong will power to see through any challenge withdedicated efforts and unyielding hope. I came from Xi`an to Shanghai after my6th grade, but I got 32 points out of 100 for my English Entrance Exam due tothe poor English education in my hometown. It was a nightmare for a kid andthat kid decided to excel in English among his peers. Within one year, I rankedthe top5 in English of my grade; within 6years, my English score for ChinaCollege Entrance Exam is the first in my class; within 9 years, I am here toapply for one of the most competitive accounting institutes in States with a105 TOEFL score. Apparently, my good command of English enables me to read extensivelyon my major – Economics and my interest – Accounting. Among my regular readingsare accountingcoach.com,Wall St. Journal and Economist. Through reading, I enrich myself withprofessional training in accountancy, sharp criticisms on world economic eventsand insightful views into industries. With those skills and knowledge I believe I can advancemy study in an English learning environment.

Accounting study provides what I need formy career, while LMAS in NIU increases that possibility to succeed. With various workshops,the N&Y leadership center would aid me inbecoming a leader not only in CPA firm but also in my future entrepreneurship;the BELIEF Initiative invites lecturers in big companies like KPMG or Microsoftto show me how to apply my dream of becoming an integrate and responsibleentrepreneur into real-world; and the strong alumni network in great Chicagoarea would surely present me with more opportunities and adventures. With allthose supports and learning opportunity in NIU, I`m sure I could strengthen myfinancial management skills and would be able to lead a challenging career in aMajor CPA firm. After steelingmyself in the CPA firm with financial and management skills, sharp sense ofcommerce and rich social network, I believe I can make my own contribution notonly to NIU, but also to the world as an industrialist.

GMU · 发表于 2011-9-26 22:46:09

the tone is good, very personal

GMU · 发表于 2011-9-26 22:56:39

a little bit arrogant

ziye210 · 发表于 2011-9-26 23:06:09

个人意见：

1，对于MSA项目来说，leadership分量有点多，这个可以作为补充部分，但是首要的着眼点应该在会计财务领域，你的实习经历等帮助你认识到自己在哪些具体方面还有什么不足，而这些不足正是要申请的这个项目可以帮助你的。这个表述应该是重点。而显然你对于职业准备方面的表述不足。

2，没有体现出来为什么“这个”项目最适合你，你换个学校名字，照样适用，这样就不会是一篇最出色的文章。

3，关于创业想法，如果你没有几年实际工作经验申请MBA这类项目，最好不提；如果提，最好有明确的想法，而不是一句要创业。

个人意见供你参考。如果你要改的话，

1，整个结构要大改，重点在会计职业道路的思考和准备，研究好这个项目对你的帮助，非常明确的帮助，而不是泛泛一概而论的。要写得让人觉得你真的研究了这个项目。

2，措辞注意不要太过，有自信和有实力是两回事，做好了什么样的准备比较重要。类似天生领导者这类话，慎提。

3，创业计划要写得明确。

总之一句话，改变重点，更加specific.

munaiyipop · 发表于 2011-9-26 23:11:11

the tone is good, very personal

-- by 会员 GMU (2011/9/26 22:46:09)

Personal 比较好吗？我觉得是不是我这个太口语化了，要正规一点啊？

munaiyipop · 发表于 2011-9-26 23:12:05

a little bit arrogant

-- by 会员 GMU (2011/9/26 22:56:39)

恩，是哦，，我自己读下来也有这种感觉。.......

munaiyipop · 发表于 2011-9-26 23:24:37

个人意见：

1，对于MSA项目来说，leadership分量有点多，这个可以作为补充部分，但是首要的着眼点应该在会计财务领域，你的实习经历等帮助你认识到自己在哪些具体方面还有什么不足，而这些不足正是要申请的这个项目可以帮助你的。这个表述应该是重点。而显然你对于职业准备方面的表述不足。

2，没有体现出来为什么“这个”项目最适合你，你换个学校名字，照样适用，这样就不会是一篇最出色的文章。

3，关于创业想法，如果你没有几年实际工作经验申请MBA这类项目，最好不提；如果提，最好有明确的想法，而不是一句要创业。

个人意见供你参考。如果你要改的话，

1，整个结构要大改，重点在会计职业道路的思考和准备，研究好这个项目对你的帮助，非常明确的帮助，而不是泛泛一概而论的。要写得让人觉得你真的研究了这个项目。

2，措辞注意不要太过，有自信和有实力是两回事，做好了什么样的准备比较重要。类似天生领导者这类话，慎提。

3，创业计划要写得明确。

总之一句话，改变重点，更加specific.

-- by 会员 ziye210 (2011/9/26 23:06:09)

恩恩，谢谢你提了这么多中肯的意见。

其实我写的时候也觉得我好像对近期的职业准备这方面写的太少了，太多了说了创业这个比较远的想法。当时是觉得他这个项目就叫做Leadship master of accounting，然后我的规划也是想把会计和之后四大的工作作为为创业做的准备。但是现在再看看，确实觉得是有些空谈的感觉。

恩，第二个问题也是一直困扰我的问题。我一直在想怎么才能表现出他的项目最适合我呢。觉得这个很难啊？我网上看了他的官网，还加了他们学校中国学生的校友群，了解到他们比较注重leadership(有安永的一个leadership center),一直强调ethnic(有个叫BELIEF的program),然后就是芝加哥校友比较多。我就写在最后一段了，但是自己写完也觉得不知道怎么表现出他们对我的合适。能麻烦大大具体指导指导怎么才能比较好的体现出来啊~~~？

恩恩，语气和用词方面我再看的时候也确实是有些太过了... 创业计划也要好好present一下....

啊啊啊啊啊啊这么晚了真心感谢大家这么热心啊~~~~~~~~~~~从考G的时候就发现CD真的是我们未来的希望啊...大家特别团结的感觉。好喜欢啊......

ziye210 · 发表于 2011-9-26 23:33:42

如果他家项目明确强调leadership，那么你就要明确写出来你知道这一点，就是说，首先结构，为什么我喜欢会计，因为会计是一切商业的基础，是独特的商业语言，从事财务分析工作，能够帮助一个年轻人迅速了解这个行业和整体商业环境等等。我希望在这个积累的基础上，实现我在什么领域什么范围内的创业计划，我这个创业计划由何而来，已经进行到什么阶段，都有什么样的资源。在现在我的基础上，首先我需要全面了解财务，会计是非常好的入门和夯实的基础；其次，关于管理最核心的部分，leadership，在我这个阶段有必要加强。我过去的经历中不乏这类经验，比如blabla，但是在一个更高的范围内尤其是现实商业环境中获得提升，就不是我现在的资源可以支持的。因此我非常喜欢你们项目中的重点，就是关于leadership的重视与强调，我研究了什么什么，联系了谁谁谁，知道你们现在都在做什么样的项目，这些无疑将会帮助我提升商业领域的领导力潜质。

综合所有的资源条件和想法，你们这个项目最满足我当下的需求，她把会计专业训练和领导力培养完美结合在一起，除此之外你们项目的什么资源可以满足我什么需要（列出另外的两到三点），因此我认为这是一个最适合我的项目，而追寻会计专业训练与领导力素质提升的我，也是你们这个项目最合适的学生。

大概如此，供你参考。

GMU · 发表于 2011-9-26 23:34:27

it's a personal statement, so being personal is the priority.

A personal statement can't be too dry or too cold, can't be a business report

The school gonna know your work experience from your resume, and the courses you took from your transcript.

Show your personality, that's the most important stuff in your ps as they would like to know whether your personality also fits the program.

GMU · 发表于 2011-9-26 23:35:46

be ur self, be honest

纯小白，申请msa，第一篇PS第一稿，求拍求指导！

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