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winnalegh · 发表于 2012-11-21 20:42:29

The author suggests lavender for curing insomnia, citing a study which shows that 30 people with insomnia were cured after three weeks sleeping on lavender-scented pillows.In the survey there were at least two factors that could lead to the result - medicine and lavender scent, but the author cannot prove the latter is the really cause.In addition, the duration of the survey was too short and the number of the people who took the experiment was too small, as a result, the author's conclusion is not convincing.

Firstly, in the experiment, both medicine and lavender were involved.To prove the lavender scent can have a great role in curing insomnia, the volunteers with insomnia should only sleep on lavender-scented pillows without taking any other medicines.But in the survey, the volunteers took medicines during the first week.During the two weeks following, the medication was longer taken.At the first glance, it is plausible to make a conclusion just as the author did that the medicine had not play a part any longer so the final results could be contributed to lavender’ s scent.This may be true in some cases, but there is a chance that the medicine had long effects.Even though been discontinued, it could have an effect on the patients and gradually cure them. In this case, it was the medicine rather the sent of lavender’ flowers that really play an important role.

Additionally, there were some other factors in the survey that could contribute to the final cure of these volunteers, for example the volunteers themselves.In the experiment, they had bad sleep in nearly two weeks, and during the second week, they had been already very tired.So it is likely that neither the medicine nor the scent that cured the volunteers, but tiredness cured them.To make clear whether some factors coming from the patients themselves had an effect, there should be a parallel experiment where another 30 patients who do not use scented pillows are observed while any other conditions are the same as those of the original survey.Moreover, in the survey, we have no idea about the volunteers - whether they had serious insomnia or not.Maybe the degree of the insomnia among the volunteer was not serious and can be cured easily even without any cure.To verify the claim that lavender scent is useful, the survey should be more thorough, that is, it should involve patients of different severities of insomnia.

Lastly, except these various factors which weaken the author’s claim, the survey’s short duration also makes it suspicious.There is no information about the volunteers' insomnia condition after the experiment.It is possible that most of these volunteers once had good sleep in the survey suffer a lot from insomnia again.Unless an accurate survey shows that most of these volunteers do not have difficult in sleep, we cannot agree that lavender's scent really have an important role in curing insomnia.

In brief, the survey cited involved so many factors that might result in the “cure” of the volunteers that catches itself in suspect.In addition, the short duration and small range of volunteers of the survey also weaken the author’s final conclusion.If more and different subjects were observed, the effect of lavender scent were be studied without any other interference, and the insomnia were cured, the author’ conclusion would be more plausible.

原题中用了过去时态，所以写的时候感觉时态上有些纠结，不好把握。另外我提的possiblity不是很多，不知道在考试的时候这样做会不会比较惨

普渡哥 · 发表于 2012-11-22 11:54:19

可以用一般现在时。

竹林中人 · 发表于 2012-11-22 15:04:32

时态都用一般现在时即可。看完LZ的作文有这么两点建议：1题目中的instruction需要重视，这是你写文章的一个依据，怎么写就得按照这个要求去写，不同的instruction在文章开头和中间段内容的组织和表述上是有区别的，这点必须注意。2.中间段落呢，最宜用推理性的语言表述，而不是纠错的方式表述。推理就要求你根据题目的依据和结论，先推出它存在什么问题漏洞或者缺少什么信息或者前提等等，然后在分析如果没有这些，会导致什么什么结果或者是有其他的可能性等等。PS：以后把题目附上吧，提纲也尽量写上来。这有利于我们迅速看到你的问题和好的地方

winnalegh · 发表于 2012-11-22 20:25:20

Firstly, the author conclude that lavender’s scent has an effect in curing insomnia by giving the fact that having slept on lavender-scented pillows, these insomniacs eventually achieve a good sleep. However the author ignores an important fact that in the experiment both medicine and lavender were involved. We cannot recognize the effect of lavender scent unless other medicines’ effects could be excluded. But in the survey, the volunteers slept on scented pillows while taking medicines at the same time in the first week. Even though the author tells us that in the second week, no medicine has been taken and the insomniacs did not sleep well ( by which he/she may imply that the insomnia medicines did not play a role any more so the final results could be contributed to lavender’ s scent), we cannot either deny a possibility that the medicines’ effect persisted long but was not quite stable which means the it might had a relatively good efficacy in the first and third week but had not in the second week. This possibility can also explain the outcome of the survey ,thus weakens the author’s claim that it is the lavender’ scent which cured insomnia.

我改了一下第二段，请帮忙看看思路是不是应该这样（推理性的表述）。其中有个句子太长了……
谢谢你！

winnalegh · 发表于 2012-11-22 20:27:03

Firstly, the author conclude that lavender’s scent has an effect in curing insomnia by giving the fact that having slept on lavender-scented pillows, these insomniacs eventually achieve a good sleep. However the author ignores an important fact that in the experiment both medicine and lavender were involved. We cannot recognize the effect of lavender scent unless other medicines’ effects could be excluded. But in the survey, the volunteers slept on scented pillows while taking medicines at the same time in the first week. Even though the author tells us that in the second week, no medicine has been taken and the insomniacs did not sleep well ( by which he/she may imply that the insomnia medicines did not play a role any more so the final results could be contributed to lavender’ s scent), we cannot either deny a possibility that the medicines’ effect persisted long but was not quite stable which means the it might had a relatively good efficacy in the first and third week but had not in the second week. This possibility can also explain the outcome of the survey ,thus weakens the author’s claim that it is the lavender’ scent which cured insomnia.

我改了一下第二段，请帮忙看看思路是不是应该这样（推理性的表述）。其中有个句子太长了……
谢谢你！

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