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Angelafeng的写作贴~~请多多指教!

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楼主
发表于 2012-9-22 11:43:16 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式
今天9.22,Angela加入写作小分队。

之前考过托福,但是写作只有临考前看看机经然后练了几篇,没有系统滴好好练,然后就只能得个22分。
这次10月28日的考试,Angela要好好练写作了,写作应该是提分的而不是拉分的!!

请牛牛多多指教!!!

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沙发
 楼主| 发表于 2012-9-22 21:46:29 | 只看该作者
【9.22独立】it is more enjoyable to have a job, and you work only 3 days a week with long hours rather than work for 5 days with short hours a day



Nowadays, more and more people are concerning about their working hours. Some people think that work only 3 days a week with long hours will be more enjoyable to do the job than work for 5 days with short hours a day, but some other people hold the opposite view. Personal speaking, I would rather choose a job that work for 5 days with short hours a day.


First and foremost, work for long hours in one day is not good for our health. An increasing people under so much pressure at work, have been deeply depressed in recent years. Working people should take care of not only their physical health but also their mental health. If people work for long hours in one day, they will have not enough time to do some sports, even have no time to have a good meal. In today’s modern world, the disorder dietaryhabitsanddaily routines are the main cause of illness. Therefore, work for long hours in a day is not a good choice.


Furthermore, work efficiency will be low if people work for long hours. People do a work at one time for long hours might be focus on it, but if they do not spend some time to relax themselves, things would be worse. Low work efficiency means that people should spend more time even more days to finish their work. So, in order to improve their work efficiency people should not work for a long time.


Admittedly, by working fewer days, one is able to have more time to enjoy their life, like to have more time with their family or friends. People also can use this free time do the things that they like. Stay with family or friends can bring a lot of happiness, and also can exchange minds with them. We all know that family and friends give people vital emotional support.


From what has been discussed above, in order to have a more healthy life and more efficiency work style, I prefer to work for short hours in 5 days. Although this job cannot make me have more time with family and friends, I believe that if I have a more strong and healthy body, I can gain a much more happiness.
板凳
发表于 2012-9-23 13:10:04 | 只看该作者
第一次改你的,多多包涵!

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地板
 楼主| 发表于 2012-9-23 14:12:16 | 只看该作者
第一次改你的,多多包涵!
-- by 会员 loveluyuanbai (2012/9/23 13:10:04)




谢谢love的修改

【修改后的】
Nowadays, more and more people are concerning about their working hours. Some people think that work only 3 days a week with long hours will be more enjoyablethan work for 5 days with short hours a day, but some other people hold the opposite view. As far as I concerned, people choose a job that work for 5 days with short hours a day will feel more enjoyable.
First and foremost, work for long hours in one day is not good for our health. An increasing people under so much pressure at work, have been deeply depressed in recent years. Working people should take care of not only their physical health but also their mental health. If people work for long hours in one day, they will not have enough time to do some sports, even have no time to have a good meal. In modern world, the disorder of dietary habits and daily routines are the main causes of illness. Therefore, work for long hours in a day is not a good choice.
Furthermore, work efficiency will be low if people work for long hours. People do a work for long hours might be focus on, but if they do not spend some time to relax, things would get worse. Low work efficiency means that people should spend more time to finish their work. So, in order to improve their work efficiency people should not work for a long time.
Admittedly, by working fewer days, one person is able to have more time to enjoy his or her life, like to have more time with their family or friends. People also can use this free time do the things that they like. Stay with family or friends can bring a lot of happiness, and also can exchange minds with them. We all know that family and friends give people vital emotional support.
From what has been discussed above, in order to have a more healthy life and more efficiency work style, I prefer to work for short hours in 5 days. Although this job cannot make me have more time with family and friends, I believe that if I have a more strong and healthy body, I can gain a much more happiness.

已经把老美185找出来了,以后要多看看,来解决语言不地道的缺陷。再次感谢love的修改,我会好好努力滴~~
5#
 楼主| 发表于 2012-9-23 22:58:20 | 只看该作者
【9.23独立】Competition with friends may have negative effect on friendship.



Nowadays, competition goes increasingly fierce in all walks of life. Competition between friends also is a common thing. Some people point out that competition will harm friendship. However as far as I concerned, healthy competition can give you and your friendship a chance to meet a better future.


First and foremost, healthy competition will not have a harmful effect on your friendship. But what is the so-called healthy competition?When you study with your friend, you find that your friend is good at resolve math problem. Through this, you want to improve your math and even to study math better than your friend. This kind of competition is healthy competition. That is because this kind of competition can make you find your shortcomings and motivate you to work harder.


Furthermore, there is nothing wrong with competition between friends. When we play basketball or football, we should compete with our friends in order to win the game. Although during the game the competition goes especially fierce, friendship will not be hurt instead of be deeper than before. In a basketball or football game, all friends could enjoy the process of competition, win or lose is just a way to make you and your friends have good mood.


However, if unhealthy competition happened between you and your friend, things would get worse. Unhealthy competition can seriously damage your friendship. For example, if you and your friend are both like one thing and only one person can own it, competition may happen between you two. Then negative emotions such as jealous, angry will mix into your relationship. Thus, if you want have a perfect friendship be away from the unhealthy competition.


Overall, competition will always exist in friendship. Make competition positive can make your friendship go a long way, but if you cannot make it positive, the negative effect will far outweigh the positive.
6#
发表于 2012-9-24 21:18:15 | 只看该作者
Nowadays, competitions goes increasingly fiercein all walks of life(才疏学浅哈~什么意思).Competitions between friends also is(are) alsoa common thing. Some people point out that competitions willharm friendship. However as far as I concerned, healthy competition can give you and your friendship(貌似不并列呀~ a chance to meet a better future.有个问题哈~两个观点并不是指一样的竞争吧,第一个是竞争,第二个就是良性竞争了,这不是把范围修改了吗~个人意见
看过你劝篇文章后感觉,既然要把竞争分成两类,就在第一段提一下吧~把另一类也说一下比较好(个人意见哈,我连T都没有考过呢)

First and foremost, healthy competitions will nothave a harmful effect on your friendship. But what is the so-called healthycompetition?When you study with your friend, you find that your friend is good at resolve(resolving) math problems. Through this, you want toimprove your math and even to study math better than your friend(和前面的都可以用代词替换的). Thiskind of competition is healthy competitions. That isbecause this kind of competition(用代词吧亲) can makeyou find your shortcomings and motivate you to work harder.


Furthermore, there is nothing wrong with competitions betweenfriends. When we play basketball or football, we should compete with ourfriends in order to win the game. Although during the game the competition goesespecially fierce, friendship will not be hurt instead of be deeperthan before(instead, it will be deeper than before~个人更倾向于这样). In abasketball or football game, all friends could enjoy the process ofcompetition, win or lose(the result) is just away to make you and your friends have a good mood.


However, if unhealthy competitions happened(感觉occurred比较好) betweenyou and your friend, things would get worse(能告诉我比较级从何而来吗?).Unhealthy competition can seriously damage your friendship. For example, if youand your friend are both like one thing and only oneperson can own it, competition may happen between youtwo. Then negative emotions such as jealous, angry will mix intoyour relationship. Thus, if you want have a perfect friendship be away from theunhealthy competitions.


Overall, competitions willalways exist in friendship. Make(making) competitions positivecan make your friendship go a long way, but if you cannot make it(them) positive,the negative effect will far outweigh the positive one.


那个~名词单数貌似不可以单独出现哦~一定要注意
7#
 楼主| 发表于 2012-9-24 22:27:34 | 只看该作者
感谢xeyy的修改。
我估计是受了GMAT语法的影响,老觉得代词会引起歧义,这个弯需要转过来。嗯嗯
Angela的写作还需努力努力再努力!!!

Nowadays,
competitiongoes increasingly fierce in all walks of life. Competitionbetween friends is also a common thing. Some people point out that competition will harm friendship; others think that competition will not affect the true friendship. As far as I concerned, however, healthy competition can give you and your friends a chance to meet a better future.


First and foremost, healthy competition will not have a harmful effect on your friendship. But what is the so-called healthy competition? When you study with your friend, you find that he is good at resolving math problems. Through this, you want to improve your math and even to study math better than him. This kind of competition is healthy competitions. That is because it can make you find your shortcomings and motivate you to work harder.

Furthermore, there is nothing wrong with competitions between friends. When we play basketball or football, we should compete with our friends in order to win the game. Although during the game the competition goes especially fierce, friendship will not be hurt instead, it will be deeper than before. In a basketball or football game, all friends could enjoy the process of competition. The result of the game is just a way to make you have a good mood.


However, if unhealthy competitions occurred between you and your friend, things would get worse than before. Unhealthy competition can seriously damage your friendship. For example, if you and your friend both like one thing and only one person can own it, competition may happen. Then negative emotions such as jealous, angry will mix into your relationship. Thus, if you want have a perfect friendship be away from the unhealthy competitions.

Overall, competitions will always exist in friendship. Making competitions positive can make your friendship go a long way, but if you cannot make them positive, the negative effect will far outweigh the positive one.


8#
 楼主| 发表于 2012-9-24 22:51:45 | 只看该作者
【9.24独立】which do you choose to improve your healthkind of food you eatamount of exerciseamount of stress

With the improvement of the life quality, more and more people are concerned about the health problem. People do many things to remain their health. Some go for a healthy diet, other recommend exercise, and the rest think that reduce stress is important. But in my view, keep exercise in our daily life can make us healthier.

Exercise is very important for one to improve health. Nowadays people often make a lot of excuses for not do exercise. Some have time problem, some have physical problem, some have space problem. But take a few minutes every day to do some exercise can make lots of differences. For example, after work you can walk to home instead driving your car. Walking is the easiest exercise. In recent years, walking becomes a popular sport, especially in big cities. Walking not only can improve health, but also can relieve the traffic congestion. Spend a few minute on exercising will make lots of differences.

Furthermore, exercise can help people lose weight. Nowadays, an increasing number of modern people are facing a big problem of obesity. This is due to their unhealthy diet. Most young people like to eat in fast food restaurants. But if people do some exercise every day, overweight will not be a serious problem. In summer holidays, I eat so much ice-creams and fried foods. I am afraid that I will become very fat at the end of this summer holidays. So every evening I do Yoga. Yoga can help me keep in shape and also can relax out of this stress full life.

Do exercise is the most economical and practical way to keep healthy. Some people may buy several health products to remain healthy. If we can save this amount of money, however, we can buy a lot of other more voluble things. Do some exercises every day has the same effect on health as eat health products.

In general do exercise has a lot of advantages in keeping our healthy. But we should note that exercise is not a one day program, do exercises every day make us a better life.
9#
发表于 2012-9-24 22:55:08 | 只看该作者
打眼一看 LZ的字数偏少,一般都是在380+字,在details方面相对单薄,例子= = 米有。。。
还有要注意小点的语法错误,单复数,主谓一致
10#
 楼主| 发表于 2012-9-24 22:58:41 | 只看该作者
打眼一看 LZ的字数偏少,一般都是在380+字,在details方面相对单薄,例子= = 米有。。。
还有要注意小点的语法错误,单复数,主谓一致
-- by 会员 chasedreamabc (2012/9/24 22:55:08)




这也正是我所犯愁的啊,栗子啊栗子啊,哎,积累的少了。。。
LS可不可以传授一下举例子的技巧啊,我这块真的很欠缺
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