eone1025

eone1025 · 发表于 2012-8-19 20:03:47

8.20
独立
your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life does.

Have you ever felt happy while you are overtime working? Have you ever felt sadness while you are having excellent hours with your friends? Have you ever want to change your job because of the unreasonable boss? If you have had any of the experience I mention above, we may share the same opinion that Job has more effect on our happiness. Yes, job does have more effect than social life.
In one hand, social life usually happens after the working time or at weekend. Though social life makes you feel more relax and comfortable, the effect of social life does not last long. The tired and exhausted may drive you home and cover the feeling of happiness. You may become number and number while you are joining social life.
In the other hand, we usually work 8 hours a day. We spend long hours doing job. If you are suffering at the first of the day, you have nowhere to go to let off your unhappiness. This situation may last a whole day. If you could not find a way to abreact, then this situation would last for almost a week. No matter what enjoyable social life you have had, this feeling would not disappear quickly. But the feeling of happiness flies quicker.
All in all, job has more effect on happiness than social life does.

综合

The reading passage inferred that a type of evergreen tree is dying out. Scientists brought out three ways of solving this problem while the listening passage proposed opposite opinions.
First, the scientists wanted to rebuild the area where the tree used to grow. They thought the weather there would be suitable for these trees. The climate there is called microclimate. The climate is cooler and wetter than the surrounding region’s climate. However, in the listening passage, they thought this would not help a lot due to the global warming. This would make the climate different from before. That is said, the climate here would no longer be proper for these trees.
Secondly, moving the trees to a new environment is another choice. Only if they found a similar land and weather condition, the scientists could just move the trees to the new place. This option was violated either. Consider to the possibility that alien species would damage the local eco-system, this would not be a good choice.
Lastly, the last methods of saving this kind of tree is that planted their seed in a preserve area. Under a monitored environment and daily observe can this kind of tree avoid the destiny of extinction. Nonetheless, climate is not the only factor that would affect the growing of the tree. The disease would lead the tree to extinction, because of some unthinkable details.

ykhjy · 发表于 2012-8-21 14:29:22

8.20 综合修改~蓝色good 黄色需修改红色我改的绿色批注建议

The reading passage inferred that a type of evergreen tree is dying out. Scientists brought out three ways of solving this problem while the listening passage proposed opposite opinions. [有点含糊哈，其实前面两句可以连起来的，重点在第二句，对立关系是有了，最好能指出lecture认为reading中提出的ways行不通]
First, the scientists wanted to rebuild the area where the tree used to grow. They thought the weather there would be suitable for these trees. The climate there is called microclimate. The climate is cooler and wetter than the surrounding region’s climate.[阅读中的内容太多了，只要提出reading中的point就可以了，内容尽量少提，更不能提reading中的细节] However, in the listening passage, they thought this would not help a lot due to the global warming. This would make the climate different from before. That is said, the climate here would no longer be proper for these trees. [lecture中的细节又太少了，要尽量具体。]
Secondly, moving the trees to a new environment is another choice.[最好能指出这是reading中的观点。比如在后面加：as the reading passage said]Only if they found a similar land and weather condition, the scientists could just move the trees to the new place. This option was violated [这个词是被打破么，觉得不太好，换个argue、dispute之类的把] either. Considering to the possibility that alien species would damage the local eco-system,[要细节，要具体] this would not be a good choice.
Lastly, the last methods of saving this kind of tree is that planted[planting] their seeds in a preserve area[research centers]. ~~Under a monitored environment and daily observe can this kind of tree avoid the destiny of extinction.~~ Nonetheless, [according to the lecture] climate is not the only factor that would affect the growing of the tree. The disease would lead the tree to extinction, because of some unthinkable details. [细节不够,而且这个理由也没表述准确]

【啦啦啦~~ 楼主是第一次写把有几个问题要注意下：
1.要指出哪些是reading中的，哪些是lecture中的。
2.reading中的只要提及了point就可以，支撑reading中的point的细节不用说，也不能说。
3.lecture中的内容一定要详细，细节决定成败~~~欸~~这方面我还得练练练建议lz去看一些范文
一起努力吧！

】
ps:有问题可以来找我讨论喔~~

eone1025 · 发表于 2012-8-21 20:48:21

听力也是个弱项来着··
我会去专研的！谢谢批改！！

JennyW9261 · 发表于 2012-8-21 21:30:53

改独立占座。。不好意思我可能晚一点来帮您改！

JennyW9261 · 发表于 2012-8-22 16:26:53

your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life does.

Have you ever felt happy while you are overtime working? Have you ever felt sadness（sad） while you are having excellent hours with your friends? Have you ever want（wanted） to change your job because of the unreasonable boss? If you have had any of the experience I mention above, we may share the same opinion that Job has more effect on our happiness than social life. ~~Yes, job does have more effect than social life.~~
In one hand, social life usually happens after the working time or at weekend. Though social life makes you feel more relax and comfortable, the effect of social life does not last long. The tired and exhausted (应该用名词)may drive you home and cover the feeling of happiness（happy）. You may become number and number while you are joining social life（想表达啥？number and number？）.
In the other hand, we usually work 8 hours a day. We spend long hours （time） doing job. If you are suffering at the first of the day, you have nowhere to go to let off your unhappiness. This situation may last a whole day. If you could not find a way to abreast, then this situation would last for almost a week. No matter what enjoyable social life you have had, this feeling would not disappear quickly. But the feeling of happiness flies quicker.
All in all, job has more effect on happiness than social life does.

基础不太好，很多基本的语法错误要注意避免。
内容比较空洞，需要多补充一些细节。
建议多看看范文。

eone1025 · 发表于 2012-8-25 22:25:41

We learn from experience; we success from failure. Without the lesson and case from the past, we cannot get to the triumph straightly.
For instance, HIV virus still shrivels human beings. As the first case of HIV infection found in 1981, the number of infected people increases annually. All of those infected people die eventually. The medical community is working hard on this disease. However, we can still hear good news from the treatment centre. Nowadays, though it cannot be totally healing, the condition could be alleviated. I believe one day in the future, we can invent a medicine to cure this deadly illness.
To consider me myself, in my school time, I used to organize a tour for my class. I had no idea about what should I prepare. I didn't even know the sequence of the plan. While I was wondering anxiously, my friends who had related experience came and gave me a hand. She had held a tour to Yangshuo city last year that had satisfied her class. With her help, I made a clear plan list. Thanks to her experience last year, my class and I had a great moment during our journey. After coming back, we held a class meeting and received feedback which everyone was satisfied with the trip, even some problems used to occur in last year had been mended. I really used the past to solve the problem at the presence.
We are not genius, we cannot success in one time. We do success, however. To rethink the past, to review the experience from failure and then bring up new method and test it, I think all the problem can be solved.

jijismile · 发表于 2012-8-26 15:16:40

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

We learn from experience; we success from failure.(意思能理解，这句话有点别扭，我在bing上或者google上没找到相同的使用) Without the lessons and cases from the past, we cannot get to the triumph (get to sth有点像达到一种状态，比如get to sleep，获得的意思时，get sth)straightly.
For instance, HIV virus still shrivels human beings. As the first case of HIV infection found in 1981, the number of infected people increases annually. All of those infected people die eventually. The medical community is working hard on fighting with this disease. However, we can still hear good news from the treatment centre. Nowadays, though it cannot be totally healing, the condition could be alleviated. I believe one day in the future, we can invent a medicine to cure this deadly illness.

这段大意是说：艾滋病肆虐人类，每年都有人死于艾滋。但是医学界正在努力攻克，虽然还无法治愈，但是正在逐步改善。坚信未来会成功。

这个例子是不是没有说明白the relationship of reviewing the past and solving problems
To consider me myself, in my school time(when I was a student), I used to organize a tour for my class. I had no idea about what ~~should I~~I should prepare. I didn't even know the sequence of the plan. While I was wondering anxiously(confusing 是不是更好), my friends who had related experience came and gave me a hand. She had held a tour to Yangshuo city last year that had satisfied her class. With her help, I made a clear plan list. Thanks to her experiencelast year, my class and I had a great moment during our journey. After coming back, we held a class meeting and received feedback ~~which~~ that everyone was satisfied with the trip, 这个标点应该用句号，一个句子中主句的主语只能有一个，不然就要连接词even some problems used to occur in last year had been mended. I really used the past（有点chinglish，通过利用过去的经验，而不是利用过去） to solve the problem at the presence.
We are not genius, we cannot success ~~in one time~~（是想说every time？）. We do success, however. To rethink the past, to review the experience from failure and then bring up new method and test it, I think all the problems can be solved.

我也是初来咋到，如有不妥，敬请谅解。

主要的问题是文章的结构过于简单，没有层次感，没有体现出语法词汇使用的多样性。

字数也偏少（不到300），大体应该400左右比较合适，个别表达带有很明显的中式思维习惯

建议首先阅读以下托福写作的评分标准

其次浏览一下CD上面的考试心经，尤其是作文的不要一门心思闭门造车

有什么疑问，可以联系我，希望我们共同提高，加油！~

eone1025 · 发表于 2012-9-13 22:34:08

The reason that we go to university is not for a work. Maybe we can get decent work as an bachelor, but that should not be our ultimate aim. Therefore I hold a negative opinion about the colleges offer more courses to students.
First, before we attend university we have found a fundamental knowledge system. The test we take to value our ability of knowledge is a guarantee that we are able to study in the university. Hence we can do a deep research of our major in colleges, such as biology, botany, literature and so on. That’s why we would choose a major orientation before we enter the colleges. This can help us to focus on one subject and promote the efficiency while we are study. After a four-year study in the college, they become more professional on their majors.
Second, even a doctor degree cannot make a people be more familiar with a fresh work than a employee with ten-year old working experience. Experience plays an important role during working. In order to prepare students for future before working, providing more opportunities to act as interns rather than offer additional courses would help the students to blend in society.
All in all, the additional courses for students may aggrandize their load, reduce their time to touch the society. This would make an opposite effect on students. Offering more courses would be not be a good choice.

小兔爱twins · 发表于 2012-9-14 10:23:59

The reason that we go to university is not for a work. Maybe we can get decent work as an bachelor, but that should not be our ultimate aim. Therefore I hold a negative opinion about the colleges offer more courses to students.
First, before we attend university we have found a fundamental knowledge system. The test we take to value our ability of knowledge is a guarantee that we are able to study in the university. Hence we can do a deep research of our major in colleges, such as biology, botany, literature and so on. That’s why we would choose a major orientation before we enter the colleges. This can help us to focus on one subject and promote the efficiency while we are study. After a four-year study in the college, they become more professional on their majors.
Second, even a doctor degree cannot make a people be more familiar with a fresh work than a employee with ten-year old working experience. Experience plays an important role during working. In order to prepare students for future before working, providing more opportunities to act as interns rather than offer additional courses would help the students to blend in society.
All in all, the additional courses for students may aggrandize their load, reduce their time to touch the society. This would make an opposite effect on students. Offering more courses would be not be a good choice.

字数绝对是不够的！！有效的文章的字数是300字 238 最最多limited。。。也就是15分
表述的准确性上存在一定的问题。。我个人建议楼主应该开始多看看范文先积累一下句子啊词汇的

eone1025 · 发表于 2012-9-22 00:11:39

“Life is short, enjoy more”. This is a famous slogan from an advertisement in 2010. Since I have been working for two nearly years, I couldn’t agree more on the statement that spending money on traveling and vacation is better than saving for future, due to several reasons below.

Firstly, the destination where you want to arrive may not be waiting right there for you. Some places of interest may be replaced by modern construction, such as the Three Gorges Dam , it does bring us some convenient in living aspects, nevertheless we can never go there to visit, for instance, the temple of Zhangfei, which is worshiped by the local natives. Besides, as it is known to all of us, the global warming is changing our environment from day to day. Some places of interest vanish even before we have chance to be there. It’s worth to spend money to travel to visit such places while you have money and time, to admire such wonderfulness of nature.

Secondly, travel can exaggerate one’s field of vision. Every detail in the journey can be a precious experience in the future. In some way this is one fortune compared to real money. For me myself, I have been to the Phoenix Town for a visit. We didn’t make a plan before we set off. That was really a disaster-travel. We have missed the train, lost the wallet or even almost get lost in a original meadow. It was luckily that we found our way out by our accurate sense of direction. We have learnt from this experience that everything should be planned well before your perform. I think this can help me to avoid squandering time and money during my future business.

Last but not least, things like saving money for future, I cannot take it into life-plan consideration. Money is one kind of flexible control substance. You can either borrow money from the bank or family, even from your friends. Admittedly it is necessary to save money, giving up the chance to enjoy your life rather to be a miser is unreasonable, however.

In conclusion, traveling worth much more than saving money for future. You learn a lot from a journey but remain the same while you choose to stay at home in order to save money.

eone1025

谢谢ykh同学

8.25 独立写作

9.13 独立写作

9.21 独立作文

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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