冲击作文满分失败，告别托福

imajuana · 发表于 2012-6-30 15:45:38

楼主9月8号又考了一次，终于上100了，一直以为作文肯定能满分，最后还是只有27.
每次都以为可能满分，但是每次都冲击不成，可能作文水平达到了一定的瓶颈。
可能有两方面问题：一、英文写作用语的规范程度，在一个句子中选择最恰当的词语是个技术活，现在的积累还达不到；
二、对外国人思维的模范能力，同一个问题，老外的思维和我们的确实很不一样。
从看不懂题目到任何题目都能按时写完；从按着模板写完一篇，到随心所欲打出几百字；从追求数量到质量取胜；我觉得自己的英文写作能力已经获得了一些提高，但是要解决上面所说的两个问题，在非英语环境下短时期内是很难提高的。所以非常佩服那些满分的同学。希望大家都能打败托福，打败托福作文。
新附件“独立作文”增加了几篇最近写的练笔，都是慢慢抛弃模板的写法。
特别是最后一篇Will you encourage your children to do the same job with you?
这篇和我考试那天的do you agree that children could not learn form their grandparents because the world has changed a lot in the last 50 years很像，很多内容都是通用的，所以写起来很轻松。而且考前看了一些美国大选演讲的视频，有些句子真是非常精彩，忍不住用了进去。
如：if farmers and blacksmiths can win independence from an empire, if immigrants could leave behind everything they knew for a better life on our shores, if women could be dragged to jail for seeking the votes, if a generation could defeat a deression, and define greatness for all time, if a preacher could lift us to the mountaintop with his righteous dream, and if proud americans canbe who they are and boldly stand at the altar with who they love, then surely we can give everyone in the country a fair chance at that great american dream. 考过GMAT的同学应该感受得到这种长排比句型+美国历史内容的句子的分量。

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楼主7月15考T，之前也考过，上次作文是27分，两个good，但是评价是说有语法错误和另外一个什么没看懂。。
楼主考完G之后对自己的语法有了一点信心，逻辑思维也开阔了一些，开始慢慢不依靠模板了，但是还是把以前的模板和练习放在附件给需要的朋友参考。
这次希望作文冲击一下高分，诚心希望大家帮忙批改一下，尽情指出我的错误，不胜感激！
楼主的作文都比较长，一般都有500+的字，上次考试打了570多字，希望大家不要嫌长，帮忙看看。。

第一篇 June 30 35 min 526 words
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In order to solve the problems of the present and the future, people should review the past.

When we are talking about the methods to solve problems of the present and future, many people claim that there is no need to review the past simply because the things have changed. However, I am always amazed when I hear people say so, and my opinion is quite the opposite-we should review the past when we need to solve the problem of present or future. There are several reasons for that, such as that the past methods itself could be used in present of future and that even if the methods are wrong, they do offer cherish experience.

To begin with, we should clarify that there are different situations about whether we could use the methods in the past directly. If the problems of the past, of present and of the future resemble each other and if the methods do work in that circumstance, we can imitate the old strategies, and therefore learning about the past is quite important and efficient. The example of Iphone perfectly matches this point. When Apple is developing Iphone 4, they do use much mature technologies which have been proved good in the Iphone 3 and by doing this, Apple cut a lot of their money for research and development. The fact that Iphone 4 also sells well all over the world do prove that the old methods could help. So, the significant of past could never be overstated.

In addition, even if there are solutions in which we could not use the strategies from the past, we could learn something from it and judge from it, and this is what we called experience. There is a famous example. Edison, the great inventor, have tried more than 300 kinds of materials to find the one kind suit to illuminate his blub. Hardly can we image that how many times he still need to try if he did not learn from the fail in the past; hardly can we image whether many of his great invention would ever be created if he is kind of the guy who never look back and learn something. It's obvious that when we are facing or going to face problems, we need to turn to the past even if we have failed.

Granted, only looking backing to the past is not a wisdom choice, since the time and the whole world never stops changing. However, in practice, no matter how much the world has changed, there are still many things like things in the past. A clever man/woman could find their common places and use it to figure out a new way.

In a nutshell, in order to solve the problems of the present and the future, people should review the past not only because sometimes we can use the methods from the past directly, but also because there are many things we could learn even if we failed in the past. If there is anyone who still wonders whether the past things are useless things, who still doubts the significance of the experience, and who still does not understand the meaning of looking back to the past, this passage is my answer.

imajuana · 发表于 2012-7-1 22:53:23

July 1 30min 526 words

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Rather than help their children do schoolwork, parents should encourage their children do work independently. Do you agree or disagree?

When we are talking about whether we should help our children to do homework, many people hold fast to their beliefs that as parents they should help their children with homework. However, Ii am always amazed when i hear them say so and my opinion is quite the opposite. I insist that we should not help the children when they have problems in homework and instead we should let them solve it by themselves. There are several reasons for that, such as that by doing so children could not only be more independent but also really learn something.

To begin with, we should make it clear that considering independently help children to grow independently. It has been agreed that there is no need for parents to do everything for their kids and it will be the same when they are facing problems in homework. If children get used to asking parents' help every time they have a difficult homework, they might lose their ability to think independently. My sister, for example, has been used to turning to parents as soon as she meets a question. However, as she grows up and she is learn knowledge from higher grade, her parents feel hard to answer all the academic questions. As a result, she does not do well in her high school and even worse, she has lost her chance to foster her own ability to consider. So, it's obvious that helping children's homework would have a detrimental influence upon their ability to considering independently.

What's more, once parents deal with the questions from children's homework, the children usually just copy the answers and they do not actually learn what their teach want them to learn. As is known to all that the reason why teach assigns a homework is to ask students to review the knowledge in the class or do some extensive research, however, if our parents do all the things for us, the meaning of a homework soon disappears. There is a current relative survey I know form the Economists that more than half of the students fail to answer the question about their homework in the class, if their homework are assisted or completed by their parents. This survey also additionally supports my point of view.

Granted, children are still children and parents should do something when they are facing puzzle. However, the wisdom choice to help is not to help our children to deal with the homework but to give them some hints or some bonus. A smart father/mother know which way is better.

In a nutshell, we should not help the children when they have problems in homework and instead we should let them solve it by themselves because if children do their homework by themselves, they can easily acquire independence and knowledge. Even if we as parents want to do something, we can help our kids in the other ways. If there is anyone who still wonders whether we should help children with homework, who still doubts the necessary to let kids think independently, and who still questions who to do if we don't help in homework, this passage is my answer.

jointoperation · 发表于 2012-7-1 23:41:14

ding

imajuana · 发表于 2012-7-2 00:56:42

自己发现几个错处

imajuana · 发表于 2012-7-2 01:00:04

每篇都有几个单词打错了，有指代不清，例子不好

Crystaljoy · 发表于 2012-7-5 13:29:05

iajuana很认真呀，快加入写作小分队互批吧
http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-732706-1-1.html

imajuana · 发表于 2012-7-11 21:31:49

July 11th 622 words…time is not counted..
people are now easier than before to become educated?

When we are discussing the issue that whether people now are easier than they were in the old days to be educated, many people claim that people now are difficult to educate simply because there are so many things which is enticing people that hardly would they focus on studying. However, I am always amazed when I hear them say so and my opinion is quite the opposite. I think that people are now easier to educate. There are several reasons for that. For example, people now have more devices to help them study conveniently and know the importance of competitiveness well.

To begin with, we should clarify why I say that people now have better, convenient and advancing devices to help them in learning. As we know, a computer, a ipad or a smart phone could help us to read, listen, or write anything only if we want to. The charming produce of Apple Inc, the ipad, for example, offers us a opportunity to study anywhere at any time. We could read news on it every morning, take notes on it while listening in the class, search data by connecting to the internet and even ask it to describe some formulas that we need. What’s more, the apps, developed by a lot of Apple fans or IT worker, offers other ways to learn. Obviously, these new way of learning is hard to imagine in the past. According to survey conducted by the Economist magazine, more the 90% people who has a ipad would read some in the subway or in the taxi. This result also support my side that nowadays people could use these devices to study and thus they are easier to be educated.

In addition, the modern man or woman knows how fierce they need to compete with the others and how important the competitiveness is. The whole world is developing at the speed beyond describe. Unlike people in the past, who did not need to keep on studying the whole life time, people live in the modern society is under high pressure—they need to learn since they were still a young child and never stop it till the day they die. Hence, it’s sure that nowadays people are stimulated by the pressure, in other words, by the society to study. Take me for example. A study major in the finance not only needs to study all the things his teachers want him to learn, but also has to try to do his utmost in the internship. You must learn as much as you can or you will be considered as someone who has no ability to update his knowledge although the new things you learn also will be rendered out of date.

Granted, some people would be enticed by the charming world including the PC games, the Facebook, or something else and finally they give up studying. However, in practice, the number of these people is getting smaller and smaller as more and more children are told by their parents that the world is like a jungle where the weaks would be given up by the society.

In short, people in the modern society is much easier to educate since they have modern device to help them and know the significance of the ability to compete. Even a little part of them might lose their direction, the bulk of modern people are so aware that they have inclinations to be educated. If there is anyone who doubts whether people nowadays are harder to become educated, who still questions the role played by the modern device in the studying, and who still holds that many people will lose themselves in the colorful world, this passage is my answer.

imajuana · 发表于 2012-7-12 16:26:36

tpo17 7.22 20mins 380words

The passage supports that the steady growth of the human population and the corresponding increase in agriculture and pesticide use have caused much harm to wildlife in the US- birds in particular. However, the professor's opinion is quite the opposite; she said in her lecture that the birds are not being hurt at all.

To begin with, the passage claims that as the human population and settlements continue to expand, more and more habitats for birds are disappearing, for example, wetlands, grasslands and forests. As a result, the number of the birds of course would be decrease. Nevertheless, the professor disagrees with this idea and argues that although some kinds of birds are disappearing, some other kinds of them, which are suitable to live in the cities, are increasing their numbers rather than dying out. So, the first statement of the passage is unconvincing.

In addition, unlike the professor, the author of the passage states that expanding agricultural activities, as well as the population, has detrimental influence upon the birds' lives. The growth of the agriculture will result in the further destruction of bird habitats, making more and more birds unable to survive. However, the professor holds the point that in fact, the land for agriculture in US is turning less and less every year. People have new way to supply food more efficiently and new kinds of food offer us an opportunity to yield more food while consuming few lands.

What's more, the passage insists that the pesticide used in the cities or rural areas would finally damage the birds because birds would directly or indirectly eat some food which contains certain kind of pesticide. However, the professor mentions 2 changes in her lecture which explains why the birds will not be damaged at all. Firstly, there are new pesticide which would do harm to the birds. Secondly, the birds would have ability to resist some pesticide after several generations. So the 3rd reason in the passage also cannot stand.

In the nutshell, the passage's content is totally contradicted by the professor. The professor argues with the passage by offering her own ideas or reasons which perfectly eases the worry about whether human activities would hurt the lovely birds and thus the reasons mentioned in the passage is unconvincing.

jarod_elf · 发表于 2012-7-12 16:54:26

楼主厉害，可以在时间内写这么多字

imajuana · 发表于 2012-7-13 13:44:19

楼主厉害，可以在时间内写这么多字

-- by 会员 jarod_elf (2012/7/12 16:54:26)

楼主把自己当做一个打字机

冲击作文满分失败，告别托福

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