我的第二次写作练习，求找茬

kaitlynyl · 发表于 2012-8-13 22:22:11

题目：TPO 2 自己觉得自己的问题：
1. 写到能写的，就开始天马行空了。也不管字数了，可着劲说。最后导致很多拼写错误。
2.每次要用的时候，还是那些词那些话，积累的还是不够。

3.最开始测作文的时候，忘记综合写作怎么个考法了，结果导致阅读也没读完，听力也没听清，其实完全可以做的很好的。第一次就做的还行，字数也比这次多，可惜都丢了。
4.第一次写之前看到一些比较好的词没有记下，导致这次想不起来上次写的什么。
5.独立写作写完才发现，有两个词没有注意，一个是most，一个是 any。针对这两个词，我貌似还可以写出更多内容

独立写作：Always telling the truth is the most important consideration in any relationship between people.
Nowadays more people are holding on an opinion that telling the truth is the most important consideration in any relationship between people. While on this point, different people have different opinions due to their distinct background and alien understandings. As far as I am concerned, this problem should depend on various situation people may encounter. My opinions are as follows.

To begin with, the people who always tell the truth to old man will be a disaster. For instance, if an old man who has disease and you happen to tell him that his son is dropped-out from school, he will be very angry and anxiously, making his health turn down quickly. Hence, it is essential to tell the truth, but, it depends.

What's more, the people who have the courage to tell the truth show his honesty. Let me raise an example. A friend of mine, Nancy,a consultant, who did something terrible in her report---she mistakenly forgot two numbers when she did the calculating---Then she got wrong result of the report, which happened to be very urgent and indispensable in the convention of the company. The reason why she made the mistake is actually the masterpiece of her naive son, who used the eraser and changed the numbers. When she read the figure loudly, her boss pointed out that the result may be wrong. She quickly found it and apologized to everyone in the convention. When she went back home and saw her young boy, she asked and knew what he did. She quickly phoned her boss, told him the truth and guaranteed it will not be happened in the future. Her boss considers that she is very honest and responsible. That's the advantage of the telling truth: the listener will be sure of what you do and your attitude rather than the results. After all, the honesty is more important than the result itself.

Admittedly, you may think that we canachieve more when we keep the secret. You may also think that telling a lie toyour boss may not be found. Here we part company. Honestly, you may not befound for some time, but you can not make sure it will be known by everyone inthe future. Until that time ,you fame will be ruined totally. You have to payback, using your rest of time in your life because they will not believe youanymore.

To sum up, the truth is very valuable. Somebody deserves to know it but somebody not. Before we tell a truth to someone, we had better analyze the whole situation, the advantages and disadvantages of the action, and the possible achievement we may obtain. Only in this way can we decide whether we should tell the people the truly thing.
综合写作：
In the reading material, the author thinks that the best way toapproach new projects is to make many people into a same team. Then he giveshis reasons: for one thing, the author indicates that the more the groupmembers, the wider range of knowledge the team will achieve.For the otherthing, he considers that the people in the team make the project move fasterthan usual. What's more, a group can take the burden of the project easilyrather than give the responsibility to a single person. The author also givesome points that the projects will be more rewarding for the whole people in ateam.

To begin with, the lecturer gives an example that oppose to theopinion of the author. The speaker says there is a project that has manypeople. Some people did nothing untilthe project finished, however, some contributed their whole spirit. Even thoughthe range of knowledge is wide, the job is well done in the end in the nameof a whole team. In the same time , theattitude of them is just opposite with the reading material.

In the second place, the lecturer holds his opinion that the speedof the project has some risks. For instance, some of the members will be ignoreeven they have many opinions. just because of the responsibility is on theshoulders of the unity. Furthermore，the speed of the projectwill not be calculated by the single people.

Last but by no means the least, if the project failed, the speakersays the boss or the project owner will blame all the members of the team. Theywill not consider what's the err, who will shoulder this err and so forth.

To sum up, using some example of the projects, the opinion of thespeaker is totally different with the author. He thinks maybe it is not a goodway to hold a group of people to do a project.

kaitlynyl · 发表于 2012-8-14 09:17:36

求找茬呀

FinDude · 发表于 2012-8-15 00:40:07

刚刚做完午饭，给你点建议把。由于时间关系，这是我唯一能做的修改，未来没有时间做同类的修改了。希望对你有点帮助。
Nowadays more people are holding on an opinion that tellingthe truth is the most important consideration in any relationship betweenpeople. ~~While~~ (应删去while) on this point, different people have differentopinions due to their distinct background and alien understandings. As far as Iam concerned, this problem should depend on various situation people mayencounter. ~~My opinions are as follows.~~
常见的搭配应该是PHRASES beof the opinion that … (formal)(= to believe orthink that),
Hold on anopinion that 应该是不正确的。
Alien这个词不恰当，其实可以说dueto their differences in the background and understanding.但是understanding稍显笼统。
situations
To begin with, the people who always tell the truth to oldman will be a disaster. For instance, if an old man who has (a) disease and youhappen to tell him that his son is dropped-out from school, he will be veryangry and anxiously, making his health turn down quickly. Hence, it is essential to tell the truth, but,it depends.
这句话应该这样表达：Always telling the truth to old men can be adisaster.
His son has dropped out of school.
For instance 这句话会被ets判为run-on.
Very angry and anxious.
Worsen his health
Hence, truth matters, but we should be careful about how totell the truth.

What's more, the people who have the courage to tell thetruth show his honesty. Let me raise an example. A friend of mine, Nancy,aconsultant, who did something terrible in her report---she mistakenly forgottwo numbers when she did the calculating---Then she got wrong result of thereport, which happened to be very urgent and indispensable in the convention ofthe company. The reason why she made the mistake is actually the masterpiece ofher naive son, who used the eraser and changed the numbers. When she read thefigure loudly, her boss pointed out that the result may be wrong. She quicklyfound it and apologized to everyone in the convention. When she went back homeand saw her young boy, she asked and knew what he did. She quickly phoned herboss, told him the truth and guaranteed it will not be happened in the future.Her boss considers that she is very honest and responsible. That's theadvantage of the telling truth: the listener will be sure of what you do andyour attitude rather than the results. （这句话的意思不清楚）After all, the (the应该去掉)honestyis more important than the result itself.
常见的搭配是give an example.
Forgot two numbers in her calculation
Masterpiece should be in quotation marks.
Used the eraser to change the numbers
I am not sure it is a convention—it might be a conference.
Her boss considered he to be very honest and responsible.

Admittedly, you may think that we canachieve more when wekeep the secret. You may also think that telling a lie toyour boss may not befound. Here we part company.(不懂这句话什么意思) Honestly, you may notbefound for some time, but you can not make sure it will be known by everyoneinthe future. Until that time ,you fame will be ruined totally. You have topayback, using your rest of time in your life because they will not believeyouanymore.

To sum up, the(the应该去掉) truth is very valuable. Somebodydeserves to know it but somebody not. Before we tell a truth to someone, we hadbetter analyze the whole situation, the advantages and disadvantages of theaction, and the possible achievement we may obtain. Only in this way can wedecide whether we should tell the people the truly thing. (the truly thing搭配可能不正确，因为truly是副词，这里你需要一个形容词。就说tellpeople the truth)

童颜公主 · 发表于 2012-8-15 07:21:31

是不是去作文区更好呀～还有个作文小分队，大家互相批改呢

kaitlynyl · 发表于 2012-8-16 21:26:23

是不是去作文区更好呀～还有个作文小分队，大家互相批改呢

-- by 会员童颜公主 (2012/8/15 7:21:31)

啊，我都不知道。算了吧，来不及了，就不去了先。。。。
再不发啦，我还是多自己分析吧~哈哈

kaitlynyl · 发表于 2012-8-16 21:28:21

谢谢你呀，这里面好多句子，是以前考G的时候背的模板，也不知道哪里抄来的，不知道怎么回事，就记得这几个句子，顺手就写上了。我自己再好好改改~被你这么一说好多错误。。。呜呜，G没学好就是不行啊。。。

刚刚做完午饭，给你点建议把。由于时间关系，这是我唯一能做的修改，未来没有时间做同类的修改了。希望对你有点帮助。
Nowadays more people are holding on an opinion that tellingthe truth is the most important consideration in any relationship betweenpeople. ~~While~~ (应删去while) on this point, different people have differentopinions due to their distinct background and alien understandings. As far as Iam concerned, this problem should depend on various situation people mayencounter. ~~My opinions are as follows.~~
常见的搭配应该是PHRASES beof the opinion that … (formal)(= to believe orthink that),明白了，怪不得我的G4.5，就是因为模板都是错的……呜呜……
Hold on anopinion that 应该是不正确的。
Alien这个词不恰当，其实可以说dueto their differences in the background and understanding.但是understanding稍显笼统。
situations
To begin with, the people who always tell the truth to oldman will be a disaster. For instance, if an old man who has (a) disease and youhappen to tell him that his son is dropped-out from school, he will be veryangry and anxiously, making his health turn down quickly. Hence, it is essential to tell the truth, but,it depends.
这句话应该这样表达：Always telling the truth to old men can be adisaster.
His son has dropped out of school.
For instance 这句话会被ets判为run-on.~~~~(>_<)~~~~ 好多run on啊……都忘光了
Very angry and anxious.
Worsen his health
Hence, truth matters, but we should be careful about how totell the truth.

What's more, the people who have the courage to tell thetruth show his honesty. Let me raise an example. A friend of mine, Nancy,aconsultant, who did something terrible in her report---she mistakenly forgottwo numbers when she did the calculating---Then she got wrong result of thereport, which happened to be very urgent and indispensable in the convention ofthe company. The reason why she made the mistake is actually the masterpiece ofher naive son, who used the eraser and changed the numbers. When she read thefigure loudly, her boss pointed out that the result may be wrong. She quicklyfound it and apologized to everyone in the convention. When she went back homeand saw her young boy, she asked and knew what he did. She quickly phoned herboss, told him the truth and guaranteed it will not be happened in the future.Her boss considers that she is very honest and responsible. That's theadvantage of the telling truth: the listener will be sure of what you do andyour attitude rather than the results. （这句话的意思不清楚）After all, the (the应该去掉)honestyis more important than the result itself.
常见的搭配是give an example.
Forgot two numbers in her calculation
Masterpiece should be in quotation marks.
Used the eraser to change the numbers
I am not sure it is a convention—it might be a conference.
Her boss considered he to be very honest and responsible.

Admittedly, you may think that we canachieve more when wekeep the secret. You may also think that telling a lie toyour boss may not befound. Here we part company.(不懂这句话什么意思)这个是我从G的OG11哪段阅读里面抄来做G的反例那段的模板的，原来有问题啊？那我下次不用了。意思是说这块我们观点就不一样了，分道扬镳的意思有点。。Honestly, you may notbefound for some time, but you can not make sure it will be known by everyoneinthe future. Until that time ,you fame will be ruined totally. You have topayback, using your rest of time in your life because they will not believeyouanymore.

To sum up, the(the应该去掉) truth is very valuable. Somebodydeserves to know it but somebody not. Before we tell a truth to someone, we hadbetter analyze the whole situation, the advantages and disadvantages of theaction, and the possible achievement we may obtain. Only in this way can wedecide whether we should tell the people the truly thing. (the truly thing搭配可能不正确，因为truly是副词，这里你需要一个形容词。就说tellpeople the truth)

-- by 会员 FinDude (2012/8/15 0:40:07)

[备考日记] 我的第二次写作练习，求找茬

呵呵我的一些建议

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

正在浏览此版块的会员 ()